The Awkward First Phone Call *SENTENCES WRITTEN IN CAPS ARE THOUGHTS..UNSPOKEN WORDS* The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in <st1:State><st1lace>New York</st1lace></st1:State>. The Boy is doing his residency in <st1:City><st1lace>Boston</st1lace></st1:City> and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in <st1:City><st1lace>Chicago</st1lace></st1:City>. CAPS are unspoken thoughts. Monday night, <st1:time minute="0" hour="22">10 pm</st1:time> Girl: Hello? Boy: ****, SHE'S HOME! Umm, hi! Is this ---? Girl: Speaking. Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-GOD, WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO I AM? I'LL SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT. HELL, I ALREADY SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS! Girl: Oh, you live in <st1:City><st1lace>Boston</st1lace></st1:City>, right? Boy: Yeah. OK, SHE WAS TOLD ABOUT ME, THAT'S A FUCKING RELIEF. I WONDER WHAT SHE WAS TOLD - "HE'S A RESIDENT, TALL, AND FAIR, AND HE GRADUATED FROM <st1lace><st1laceName>IVY</st1laceName> <st1laceName>LEAGUE</st1laceName> <st1laceType>SCHOOL</st1laceType></st1lace>!" GOD, SHE PROBABLY HATES ME ALREADY! Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY CALLED! Boy: So, how are you? OH YEAH, THAT'S REAL ORIGINAL, BUT WHAT THE HELL ELSE I AM SUPPOSED TO SAY- UMM, HI, I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT DO YOU WANT TO BE WIFE? Girl: I'm fine. And you? OK, THIS IS OFF TO A GREAT FUCKING START... Boy: I'm good. OK, THINK, THINK! So, I heard you're an investment banker? OH, THAT'S A REAL WINNER. NOW I CAN BE A BAD CONVERSATIONALIST AND AN IDIOT! Girl: Yes. Boy: OK, SHE IS NOT HELPING ME AT ALL! Where do you work? Girl: Merrill Lynch. (This could be me except I'm not an investment banker.) Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! I SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE <st1:City><st1lace>MORON</st1lace></st1:City>. I SHOULD JUST HANG UP EXCEPT MY MOTHER WOULD SOMEHOW FIND OUT AND KILL ME! Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. GOD, THIS <st1lace><st1laceName>GUY</st1laceName> <st1laceName>SOUNDS</st1laceName></st1lace> LIKE A COMPLETE LOSER Boy: So... STALL, STALL! Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? LIKE MY MOM DIDN'T TELL ME THAT 500 TIMES ALREADY! Boy: Ok, I can handle this...Yeah, I'm in my second year ALRIGHT, NOW SAY SOMETHING ELSE, BUT WHAT DO I SAY? DO YOU DRINK AND HAVE SEX? CAUSE IF YOU WANT TO MARRY ME, YOU CAN'T BE ONE OF THOSE GOODY GOODY SOUTH ASIAN GIRLS WHO THINK IF THEY KISS A GUY THEY'VE PRACTICALLY GONE ALL THE WAY So, what do you like to do in your free time? Girl: UMM... GET WASTED... Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies. Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY? Girl: ****, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? THIS GUY COULD BE SOME RELIGIOUS FREAK! I CAN'T SAY BARS - I'LL SAYCLUBS, YOU CAN GO TO CLUBS AND NOT DRINK... Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... THAT WAS GOOD, I MADE IT SOUND LIKE I LIKE CLUBS, BUT I'M NOT REALLY INTO THEM... Boy: OK, SHE GOES TO CLUBS, THAT'S A GOOD SIGN. IF SHE WAS REALLY RELIGIOUS SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT. Yeah? I like to dance also. Girl: HE LIKES TO DANCE- THAT'S A GOOD SIGN. HE CAN'T BE THAT STIFF! So where do you hang out in <st1:City><st1lace>Boston</st1lace></st1:City>? Boy: SHOULD I SAY IT- ALRIGHT, I'LL SAY IT, WHAT THE HELL! Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that. Girl: HE SAID BARS! SO HE PROBABLY DRINKS.GOOD SIGN. I SHOULD EXPLORE THIS FURTHER... Are there any good bars in <st1:City><st1lace>Boston</st1lace></st1:City>? Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. OK, THAT GIVES THE IMPRESSION OF SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS DRINKING BUT IS NOT AN ALCOHOLIC -PRETTY GOOD, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF! Girl: THAT SOUNDS REALLY POSITIVE. THIS GUY SOUNDS KIND OF COOL. BUT IF HE'S SO COOL WHY IS HE CALLING ME? SHOULDN'T HE HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? OR NOT NEED TO CALL RANDOM GIRLS HIS MOTHER TELLS HIM ABOUT? GOD, WHAT IF HE'S COMPLETELY UGLY? OR HAS NEVER BEEN KISSED? Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out. Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. I WONDER IF SHE'S BUTT... Girl: OK, SO HE DIDN'T FREAK OUT AT THE LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE REFERENCE-ANOTHER GOOD SIGN. I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE... So... Boy: OR SHE COULD BE REALLY FAT WITH A HUGE MUSTACHE. WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime. Girl: COFFEE. THAT'S TOTALLY SAFE. IF HE'S TOTALLY NASTY I CAN HAVE A QUICK ESPRESSO AND RUN LIKE HELL! Yeah, that sounds great. Boy: ALRIGHT THAT WENT PRETTY WELL. COFFEE'S PRETTY HARMLESS. AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE SHE'LL BE COOL. NOW I HAVE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION... So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out? Girl: E-MAIL IS SOOO MUCH BETTER THAN THE PHONE. THANK GOD FOR E-MAIL! Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- GOD, THIS IS GETTING PAINFUL Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. MEANING IN TWO DAYS CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK TOO DESPERATE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING NOT TO LOOK TOO DESPERATE... Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. I THINK... Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon. PLEASE BE HOT, PLEASE BE HOT! Girl: Alright. Bye. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE CALLED! TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW. BESIDES, MAYBE HE'S COOL. HE DIDN'T SOUND SO BAD ON THE PHONE. I REALLY HOPE HE'S NOT A VIRGIN. Boy: Bye. I DID IT! I AM THE MAN. I THINK SHE WANTS ME. YEAH, SHE DEFINITELY WANTS ME. I HOPE SHE HAS NICE BOOBS!