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How does one develop a thicker skin (in relationships)?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Spiderman1, May 4, 2010.

  1. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Reading a post in the Silence thread prompted me to create this.

    I so need a thicker skin...Life would be a tad bit easier if I had one.

    How does one develop a thicker skin in relationships? (Any relationship - spouses, parents, inlaws, friends etc).

    Any suggestions, experiences, views?

    Pros/Cons, things to watch out for?
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
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  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    I need to add something here:

    I am NOT talking about the case where the relationship is with someone you dont care that much about. In such cases, thick skin is easier. Most of the times, you can let the barking dog bark in such cases - wont affect you so much.

    How about the people you really care about and they too care about you for the most part - in such relationships or friendships is what my question is all about.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    You really got me thinking.. :idea

    It is when I understood that each person is unique and they have their own mind, preference, priority in life, preconceived notions, exposures, experiences.. I could easily take others comments / judgements for what it is worth.

    I never let anyone's comment demotivate me or even for that matter over motivate me.. Any appreciation or discouragement does not reach my heart unless I believe I deserve them.. If someone is out there to make me feel terribly bad/good about myself, it is none other than me.

    I think these are somethings that helped with my 'thick skin' project..

    PS:
    Spiderman.. Seriously, whats with the avatar(am)s?! Every time I open a thread I fear, "Oh God, What is in store for me from Spiderman's Avatar gallery?". May be ILs should put a restraining order on you from the "Edit Avatar" option..Or.. I should develop a even more thicker skin!! :rotfl
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  4. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    agreeing with mstrue .. my advice is that it takes a lot of time and effort to develop a thick skin but it can be done.

    1. to develop a thick skin, you need to develop an acceptance that people are who they are and one must not expect them to change for your convinience or to suit your needs.

    2. also one has to learn to not someone else's words or actions hurt oneself. we don't have control over other people's actions, all we can do is learn not to react to it or make a big deal out of it. it's pretty tough to do but it has to be practiced for it to work. especially we must learn not to have the knee-jerk reaction and say or do things on the spot without thinking about it first.

    3. believe in only what you can do for yourself and for others. don't expect anything in return. this is what the geeta says right?? I am only learning now how true this is.

    4. be good to others even if they are bad to you. what goes around comes around.

    5. Control your words. If you don't have anything good to say about someone, then don't say anything. Negativity breeds negativity.

    In the case of inlaws, I have found that focussing on their positives and trying to overlook the negatives helps a lot. I(genuinely) praise them for their good qualities and that made things a lot better in their attitude towards me. My DH also appreciates the fact that I don't go around harping on their negatives like I used to before and that leads to improved relations between us as well.
     
  5. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    I dunno. I have a few tips. not all applicable to all in all circumstances:

    Don't take him way too seriously. Get him used to getting ignored at times. Prepare him to accept that you have a free will in small doses.

    Don't ignore her but if she says something terrible, act like you haven't heard and say pardon...or something like that. She will check herself, usually unless you really need to get it good!

    If you are a guy and if it's something emotional and it bothers you, you got too much free time on your hand so get your rear off to do something useful that the wife loves like laundry, dishes, vacuum cleaning or teaching the kids! But if it happened cuz you have been watching TV drooling over beautiful babes, or goofing off on the Internet, you deserve it and take it like a maan!

    If it's your husband who is acting like a jerk and he usually is not, it helps to blame it on the MIL for spoiling the kid and remember the reason you married him despite him being an idiot! :) Well, it's that time of the month for him. :rotfl

    Seriously, don't be too possessive and don't put them on a pedestal. They are humans with all the baggage.

    P.S. Spidee, this last avatar of yours is as hideous as the first one, fyi.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    :eek:mg:pmaHensa! I follow most of what you have said there! It is like reading my post that I wrote without my knowledge. :bowdown I agree with you there. Thanks for summing it up so well.


    Another thing that comes to my mind is:
    If there is a situation, I see what is my part to it. What did I do? If it is my fault, I try to rectify it without spending too much time on worrying. If it is not my fault, then I do not worry too much again, because there is nothing I could do. So either way, I worry less.. and skin appears to have gotten thicker.

    When I do not get my love reciprocated, I remember this story:
    There is a saint trying to rescue a scorpion drowning in water. It was stinging him everytime he tried to help it. But the saint tried without giving up. When asked, he said, "To sting is the scorpion's nature. To help is my nature."

    Ofcourse I am not like that saint.. I would definitely not go out of way to help like him.. but the story helps to keep myself from going for tit-for-tat and try to be loving regardless. Why should I change my good nature if someone has a bad nature? When hurt, either I do good to them or just not react.

    'Not reacting' is also a reaction. You cannot be provoked now, because your skin got thicker.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Good pointers, Sarma! :thumbsup And I totally Agree with everything you said including Spiderman's avatar. :rotfl That panda in your avatar is so cute.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  8. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Excellent replies pmahensa, MST and Sarma.
    Wow! Really great replies :bowdown

    Thanks and keep it coming. It is very difficult for a person of my nature to adopt this, but I'm gonna try to do whatever I can.

    You see the thing is this:
    We usually keep a "guard" around ourselves. We drop the guard only when we are in the presence of people we trust and love. And we have to do that. There is no point always walking around with your guard on.

    So, when we drop the guard we become very vulnerable. And true love happens when we are in the vulnerable state, and hurt can also happen in that vulnerable state. Therein lies the problem.

    You need to feel things in life. And to feel you need to drop the guard down. That is my quandary.
    --------------

    PS:
    Anyway - Excellent replies (except for the part about my avatar :spin You guys need to develop a taste for beauty. I keep churning out beauties one after the other. There were people cribbing about Genelia :), and to help out I brought the next from the gallery of Spiderman. Appreciate beauty folks :)

    Panda is cuter than my avatar???? *shaking my head* :biglaugh)

    Further discussion on AVATARS will take place away from this thread at:
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/c...ons-about-spidermans-avatars.html#post1186230
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  9. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    May be look at it as "taking the thought maturity to a different level" as opposed "letting the guard down and getting vulnerable"..
    Like loosing the innocense..
     
  10. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Been there myself and used to brood over stuff all the time. Once I realized that I was taking myself way too seriously and what I do or say doesn't amount to much in the big picture and that I am just a Joe-six-pack that's acting too big for himself, it was a lot easier.

    I suggest that you hang loose and try it, you'll love it. Being called a besharam a few times is not the end of the world! Then you have no guard to speak of and you are incorrigible and that to me, my friend, is nirvana! :)


    P.S. MsTrue, thanks for liking my new avatar! You and Spidee motivated me to change often. I was thinking of Ileana but was worried that some ppl may find it a bit too attractive! So settled on Panda!
    P.P.S. MST, Love your line art, btw. Keep it comin'
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010

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