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How do you ladies do this ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rosegirl, Dec 11, 2009.

  1. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My inlaws have said and done some mean things. But DH hasnt exactly stood up for me or defended his parents. He has always been silent and leaves us to sort our issues ourselves.

    But everytime my inlaws say or do things that irritate me, I am ready to pounce on DH or keep a long face. In my brain I know he is not the reason, he is helpless, he is not at fault still my heart keeps pounding and I am furious at him.

    I want to know these things
    1.When inlaws are mean, how is your relationship with your dh on that day ?
    2.DO you discuss with him about it and seek solace or brush it off ?
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    In my relation,I cleary know there is no use of discussing thing with my husband.He always say ,what's the big deal and why are taking seriously.

    I will be upset sometime but don't show it in the house.I only talk to my close friends,go out and do whatever I like and come home and forget.
     
  3. Maharani

    Maharani New IL'ite

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    1. Not only that day but also the other days when I get reminded of the stuff - the whole day goes BAD, lots of fights between us. He wud be arguing for his mom's rights and I will be for mine.

    I also know from my heart within that he is not the cause or has no connection with the situation sometimes, at those moments he remains quiet and tries not to involve between MIL and me. I go even crazy when that happens, directly arguing with MIL which is worse. DH does not say anything and I always ask him y he remained mum. When time comes to support his mom he opens his mouth.

    2. I do discuss every minute stuff as he also does the same. Most of the time he agrees after discussion that I am right. At times to just stop the argument or at times really agreeing that it is MIL fault.
     
  4. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Rosegirl,

    Not many Indian husbands would stand up for their wives in front of his parents. I guess the reason is that they know for sure that the wife will not speak back to his parents. Infact, a "good wife" is expected to just put up with her inlaws insulting her.

    Stop expecting your DH to stand up for you. You should have "zero-tolerance" towards inlaws saying things to insult your parents. Gather the guts to defend yourself. Try not to turn it into a ugly fight. But,the message should be conveyed clearly to your in-laws and DH that you will not just keep quiet and silently put up with in-laws saying mean things about you or your parents.

    I know, these things are easier said than done. But once you start doing this, your in-laws will think twice before saying bad things to you.

    In the early days of marriage, these things used to affect me .Over the time I have learnt to just brush it off.
    For eg: Every woman of my age group in my DH's family is heavier than me, but my MIL used to keep nagging me about being fat . I would just say an "oh...ok" in a tone that implies that i dont care whenever she says that. After a while, when she realised that I dont give any importance to her unwanted advice on how to keep slim, she gradually stopped.:)

    Yes, I discuss with DH every single word of anything mean my MIL says to me. Often my MIL shows off as if she is very caring towards me in front of DH. So,I make sure that he knows what she says to me in his absence.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2009
  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    My MIL acts mean to me almost everyday in some or the other issues. Which by now I have got used to it. But there are times when she hurts me so badly by her acid tongue and peircing words, I end up being so upset that my mood will be spoilt the whole day and I will be relieved only when I tell everything to my DH (please not complaining to him) just telling him the whole incident and he wil politely tell me not to bother and console me not to take it to heart, those words are enough for me to be back to normal.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    1) ILs say mean things & then for:
    a) simple mean comments - my relation with DH remains as usual.
    b) realy trashy ones - I discuss with DH & then an ugly fight begins which ends up in months of silence & they telling my parents to take me back & requiring assurance that ILs are not dowry seekers , how much they're suffering in this marriage etc etc.

    2) If I dont have the energy to handle (1.b) then I just brush it off.. there's no point in discussing anything with DH.. since his parents are GOD & what they do is acceptable & justified. There can be no solace.
     
  7. Keerthu

    Keerthu New IL'ite

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    1.When inlaws are mean, how is your relationship with your dh on that day ?

    In general when we talk to my PILs and in particular when i say something my DH would start saying that because you said this my mom got offended..He will say my mom is very sensitive..you have hurt her feelings..It would be the silliest of reasons..for instance,i stopped speaking much with them because they(ILs and DH) keep finding faults in whatever i say.So my DH said you offended her by not talking much.I would just say hello and other general enquiries..but still my MIL would get offended ..and my DH would start lecturing me..and if I talk back he wouldn't think twice to even hit me.I just brush these things off.My DH will NEVER EVER stand up for me..Infact,he would support my ILs and fight against me.For all these reasons I hate talking to my ILs because at the end we both have to fight or I have to simply tolerate whatever my DH says.So I avoid conversations with my ILs.We call once in a week or even once in 2 weeks.

    2.DO you discuss with him about it and seek solace or brush it off ?

    I dont discuss with him most of the times..because I felt there is no point in discussing this with him.He will never support me or even understand whats happening.But at times,when things go overboard I tell him what all I have to tolerate and I also tell him that I am fed up with everything.He would just start fighting with me and to keep me silent he might even beat me up.
     
  8. Aarthibhuvan

    Aarthibhuvan Senior IL'ite

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    At the initial stages of our marriage i used to discuss with him, but that resulted in misunderstandings between us. So, now i have completely stopped complaining or discussing such matters with my DH . why to spoil our relationship with DH .

    I have started ignoring their comments or their mean activities. i feel better after i learnt to ignore things.

    regards,
    Aarthi
     
  9. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

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    When i have problems with IL's I immediately spill it out on my DH in rather a sharp way. But the fact is that he never supports me nor does he supports his parents. He just says things will be better soon or just says that that's how peoples' nature is ..How could we change it and stuff like that ...
    I would have definitely expected him to talk to his parents atleast once when they were wrong but he hasnt done it till date ...
    But I shoudl also admit he never asks me to keep quiet and take all the rubbish my MIL speaks. If she speaks anything I just tell her back in rather a polished way but makes sure she knows her limits with me .. Thanks to my DH support on that angle otherwise life would have been hell.. Although my MIL hasnt changed much, she has stopped directly commenting to me or hurting me, as she knows that she will get it back then and there....
     
  10. sinibiju

    sinibiju New IL'ite

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    The first few months after marriage, I felt my MIL is the best in the world. At that time in my DH house mil was alone as FIL expired and my SIL married. DH came from Dubai for our marriage. After marriage she never allowed me for cooking. She did everything and I helped her in everything she does. She was very nice to me. But sometimes she spoke to my parents and relatives that am not doing any household works at home. They were hurted. She used to tell me about the proposals of rich girls came for her son. I knew that she is indirectly speaking about the dowry. I didn’t take it serious as I realized that she is a village woman without education. I didn’t tell these all things to my DH coz, I don’t want to create more problems or hurt him.
    But later when he went back to Dubai, she started blaming me on small things, telling everybody that I don’t know cooking, I don’t know housekeeping, am not smart, etc. At that time I was working and pregnant too. Considering my comfort my DH allowed me to stay with my parents, as my office is very near to my home. I thought that, after delivery my DH will take me with him to Dubai. So I have no need to hear these all things from my mil anymore. But unfortunately it was delayed.
    After delivery I came back to my DH house with my son. Then my MIL showed the real character of her. My parents gave me and my son everything including gold and clothes, much more than that they gave to their daughter. Still she was unhappy about it and told me that, even she brought more from her home, after delivery. She will not do anything for me considering that I have to take care of a baby. I have to do everything for my baby, and also to help her in cooking. I was ok with that too.
    Later I joined with my DH, our beautiful days came back. But to survive here I have to find a job. So when my son was 1 year we bring MIL as she is alone at home and to take care of the baby when I go to work. After she came here, I started going to job. She will not help me for anything at kitchen. Do you know how she spends her time? She will brainwash my DH in my absence. I heard it indirectly sometimes, it irritated me. But I kept silent. I spoke to my DH it is irritating me. Then he replied, "They are old people, they will be like that. We cannot correct them. So you should tolerate with her". When she found that he will not support me, she dared blaming in front of me. Sometimes my DH blamed me using the same words of MIL. Then only I realized that how the brainwashing is working. It hurted me he never asked me what happened really. I thought that he cannot be the perfect husband who will always support his wife in any difficult situation.
    One day she was speaking very cheaply about me. Unfortunately I heard it. My DH kept silent and he never tried to correct his mother even if he knew the truth. This made me very angry, it was an explosion really. I asked her directly “you have no work at home, so you have too much time to find these silly matters and brainwashing my hubby, do you really want to make this home a hell?" she fight with me very badly, she told me "I will ask your parents why they gave you as a head ache to them. " and also she told that I am the worst match for her son. My DH kept silent. His silence hurted me a lot. I asked him, why you are keeping silent? He didn’t reply. When I was calm, I told him I have to speak with you regarding your mother. He told me ok, but now I have no time. He never got time. That night he didn’t hug me as usually he does. So I hugged him even if I was unhappy about his attitude.
    I felt that, becoz of my MIL we will lose the harmony of our life. My mother also told me; don’t do ugly fights with her. Let her say anything. Keep silent. That is the only remedy in such situations.
    When the next time she started blaming me, I just kept silent. I engaged in my works. She tried her maximum to annoy me, at last she cried a lot to get her son's sympathy. My husband liked my new approach. He supported me with nice words in front of my MIL. May be because of that, she refused to have the dinner. He never minded it. We have a wonderful night that day. My husband didn’t tell me he liked what I did, but from his body language I understood it.
    Now, also while am doing every household works, she remains blaming me. My hubby used to hear it. Even if he kept silent, it never hurts me now. Because I knows that, her words against me cannot change my place in his heart. But if I am telling anything bad about his mother or fighting with her will change his attitude to me. Still my relation with my MIL is not a good one, but I stopped quarrelling with her, especially in front of my DH. It really works IL’s.
     

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