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How do u judge this man ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Kodavati, Mar 8, 2008.

  1. Kodavati

    Kodavati Senior IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I wanted to get some advice from all of you here as to how to deal with an Arrogant,Moody and Stubborn Huband.

    Here is a small situation that happened yesterday.
    Morning when he was getting ready for work i made the breakfast and was watching the news channel and he asked me what is for breakfast,i wanted to joke and said it is fresh grass and he became angry on me for that,shouted on me and went away without eating breakfast.

    I go to the gym everyday in the morning and then i am busy searching for a job and attending calls and i also had a take a brainstorming BrainBench Test.

    By evening i was tired and i was feeling sleepy and my body was sore and aching.
    But i wanted to make sure that by the time he comes back i am fresh and spend some time with him and also make up wid him about wat happened in the morning.

    I was feeling bad about it and i was waiting for him to get back from work so that i could explain to him that it was nothing personal and i just wanted a light humor.
    So i waited for him to come back and when he came back there was a letter from his company about some health forms that had to be filled out about me because of a medical treatment that i was undergoing.He was upset and started shouting on me without finding out what they were and what should be done.
    Then he made a call to the TollFree number and they told him it was nothing to worry but just a clause.
    He went into the bedroom and started shouting why you did not set the bed.
    I told him i was busy during the day and could not get a chance to.

    I was so tired and his attitude made me all the more upset.
    I was only wondering what is wrong with him
    After this he was telling me that he was feeling sleeping and wanted to sleep.
    However upset i was i pulled myself up and tried to change the mood at home so i tried to lift his mood i was asking him all about his childhood days and also tried sex but it did not work out.

    Note: He has no sex drive.this has been happening for a month now.
    He sees a lot of **** movies and has membership to many of them.
    I could not accept this behavior of his and had to fight many times about it and
    said he wont but he still sees.

    After this he said he is hungry.I said the rice is ready and just need to be heated.
    So i heated the rice and Beerakaya curry and Vankaya curry and gave him.
    He started eating and said the beeryakaya curry went sour and stopped eating.
    He also did not want to eat the other curry.
    I asked him if i should make anything for him and he said no need.
    He drank fanta and was watching Basketball and at 8:00 pm he went to sleep and asked me to come.

    Note: He has a lot of passion for sports.
    During footbal season it used to be about Football.Now it is about BasketBall.
    Everyday he comes home does not talk and starts watching basketball.
    This is a routine everyday.I fought with him about this and because of
    BasketBall we dont go to bed together also.
    I have to got to bed alone every night.
    I was as it is frustated with this whole thing and i said i wanted to study.
    He said he wanted me to come with him so i went with the laptop and when i went in he said no go out i dont want the light.
    So i came out and studied and had 2 slices of bread and at 10:30 pm i went to sleep.
    Then he got up.
    I asked him what's wrong he said he was feeling hungry and i asked should i make anything for him and he said no need go and sleep.
    He went into the kitchen made an issue about all the uncleaned utensils and started washing them and later he made an omlette and ate it.
    I was feeling so bad about it and started crying.
    He said why are u crying "i did not say anything to you".
    I said no u did not say anything.
    He said how do u want me to eat when u r crying in front of me.
    I felt very sad went to the bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

    I was thinking what kind of life is this ???

    Note:My husband has a very very bad temper.When he gets angry he has a tendency to brek things or hit people.So i am trying my best not to provoke him much when he is angry.

    Any advise would be really helpful.


  2. vkrithika1

    vkrithika1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi kodavati,

    Atleast 40% of the ladies face the same problem.THe only medicine for this is patience.He may be behaving like this because of work stress or some other reason which hurts him so much.First try to find the reason.please do not shout or argue.remain silent and after some time slowly make him understand your problem.One important thing is do not cry infront of him which would increase his anger.This may sound rubbish,but slowly you will see results.By love and affection you can do wonders.Do not trouble yourself by putting this always in your mind.Be cool and divert your thinking towards something which makes you happy.
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    I personally feel that if you can improve your time management and relationship management...i am sure things will improve.

    Prioritize your daily activity...was going to the gym important to you or keeping the house in order. If just hunting for a job can put your schedule in a topsy turvy...then what will you do after you get a job.

    Also, as Krithika mentioned...don't cry but be strong. No one has to prove themselves...but still manage life in such a menner that people look upto you. Managing life is also an art.

    If your husband had asked you to spend time with him...why did you go in with a laptop....you had already decided earlier in the day that you will spend some time with him...learn to spend quality time with your family. Don't think he dosen't so even i won't then what is the difference between you and him.

    Do a self analysis...be calm if both of you keep losing your temper then there will be no end to your fights one person will have to remain calm...then the other will slowly calm down.

    All the best
  4. sheshin

    sheshin Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Kodavati,

    I want to give some points to follow regarding your problem with your husband's sports passion.

    My husband is a football(both college and NFL) lover.He eats F.B.,drinks F.B.and sleeps F.B.In the football season we don't have any outings,no movies ad no entertainment.I used to so frustrated with it and end up fighting with him in the first year of our married life later i changed my way .In the startin i used to ask him to do things forcibly while he was watching F.B but in the last season i planned everything by giving so much respect to his interest.Once his friend's wife showed so much pity on me saying as if i was suffering with his football craze but i replied them that i do have some problem with that but i don't have to suffer because of my husband's interest in some sports i do enjoy his shoutings while watching game and all.With my answer my husband realised that i respect his passion and even he himself planned 4 days vacation in the midst of football season.That was a great acheivement for me.

    I just wanted to tell you just if you change the way you look at your husband sports passion it will give so much relief for you.Do whatever you like while he watching sports like groom yourself,try some new reipes,read a book but whatever you do just do by sitting adjuscent to your husband with this you will not feel like left out.
    like other IL's said do not cry it will worse the situation.Regarding anger be cool when he shout at you and later when he calm down tell him how you felt.this will solve 50% of the problem.
    All the best.
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2008
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't know how long you are married. From what you have said, it does not look Arrogant, Stubborn...it looks more of a adjustment problems.

    First of all understand, that just as you have expectations from your husband, your husband also could be having a expectation.

    Initial days, men tend to have an yardstick of their mother when it comes to maintaining the house, cooking food.

    Just like roopa says a little time management and relationship management goes a long way.

    1. you could make your bed immediately after you get up, the habit will help in the long run.
    2. Sit with your husband and have a cup of coffee, discussing about his how is day going to be and what you are planning do...
    3. Sometimes, a lighter vein jokes, don't go well, if the person at the receiving end, is not in the mood for it. and also not every person has a sense of humor.
    4.Agreed, you have to go the gym, look for a job and you end up tired, just relax and analyse if you are overdoing at the gym. even works outs should be relaxing on the long run.
    5.Take the example of the hospital issue, maybe he was worried that it was something serious, and did not know how to express his concern, and his way of voicing it came out wrong.
    6.Telling you he was sleepy means an indicator, as roopa says if your concern was making up, it was a good cue. some men are not explicit.
    7.I don't say you have to be at the beck and call. but when he did not eat something, you could just take a sandwich that you made with a hot cup of milk and both could have made up ...see some husbands still have that childish expectations..(will we not go behind our kids to eat something else if the kid has not eaten)
    8.Some people are poor communicators. you need to learn to be patient, and even if it is a one side conversation, you could start with how was his day, what you did, though initially it will look as if he is still watching the sports , he would definitely have one year to your talk...
    9.Crying does not get you anywhere. lot of men don't know how to tackle a crying lady..(including mine, though I rarely do that...). His saying "I did not say anything" means he is concerned, and worried about whether he had hurt you.
    10. you could study in the afternoon, or someother time when you are free.

    Comeon buddy, marriage is give and take. and leaving anger and egos out at the doorstep.be positive.

    Regarding temper, It can be tempered down with lots of love and patience..from my own experience, my husband used to be the worst tempered person, my mil used to be scared about the fate of her DIL.

    (Passing judgements easy, but remember somebody else will be doing the same about us...)
    my two My 2centsMy 2cents
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2008
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    First welcome to IL. Great to see that you have reached out to folks.
    Well others above have given classic advices, I completely agree with Roopa and Shanvy.
    Even sheshin has very valid point to tackle Sport frenzy kinds.

    I just feel that you guys are not married for long. Because it seems you dont know what ticks with your guy and what not. This is very first step in first two years of marriage. Make a mental list of everything which does work and which doesnot work with your man. Marriage is nothing having one to one compatibility between two people. It as easy as its tough. Once you get rhythem, It will be piece of cake but you seem to be stuck at step 1 of it.

    I have nothing to add about specific events in your message, as others have already given right suggestions. Just a word of advice from me, Initial few years in marriage, never take a day as a day, take it a crucial teething phase and observe and learn as much as you can. Instead of trying to fight out equality and justice in first few months, tread your way smartly. Men can be greatest friend of woman , only if she treads nicely. They have this whole commited , honest and objective self which will only come out once you tackle the child in him. Each one of us has childish attributes but we all just think only others have it.

    I hope you get the cues.
  7. CarpeDiem

    CarpeDiem Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Kodavati,

    I totally understand your pain. Don't fret, as vkrithika said - most of the ladies face the same problem. When I was reading your post, I felt like you were talking about my husband :) Your reactions reminded me of myself in the first 3 years of my married life. It was like deja-vu all over again for me!
    As Ria rightly said - the first few years in a marriage are like teething phases. You have to learn from each incident and experience. The number of such incidents will be more initially. Every experience will teach you something. If you remember that and apply your lesson the next time such incidents occur, you will emerge victorious.

    Let me tell you how I am tackling the situation. My husband is also very moody and short-tempered. During the first few years, I would also take it upon me to help him come out of his bad moods, try and work hard to cheer him up. I would try everything under the sun to make the atmosphere at home a happy one by focusing all my energy and time on him. I would assess and concentrate on every action and reaction of his and take it personally. Crying, and talking to him would only make it worse. Feeling pity for myself would exacerbate the situation. Slowly, I learnt that ONLY HE ALONE can come out of his bad mood. He is not looking for help. All I can do is leave him alone and give him his space.

    Also one very important thing is - to keep your spirits high, you should also try to stay away from his bad moods, because the more you are near him or trying to talk to him, his reactions are going to upset you really badly. Slowly you will master control over your mind enough to not get so affected by his moods. When he sees you doing normal stuff, being happy and not being affected, he will calm down and change on his own. Men don't like to be under pressure to be in a good mood (unfortunately) :(

    You have so many things going on. Going to the gym is always an adrenaline-booster. Keeps you both physically and mentally fit. You are searching for a job. Keep yourself busy. Follow a routine - it always helps define the day and makes life easy. Stop focusing so much on him. When he sees that his moods don't affect you and that you are giving him his space, he will come around, eventually.

    I was brought-up in a home where there was a lot of masti. Pulling each other's legs, making fun and keeping spirits light. Naturally, after marriage, I behaved the same way. I would try light humor and try pulling my husband's leg etc. I was taken aback by the reactions I got. He made it very clear to me that I should not joke or crack any jokes at his expense or even joke around casually since he doesn't appreciate it. Some men are like that. They cannot take jokes. We just have to accept it.

    There are so many mind-games involved in a marriage. We also have to be diplomatic at times. When we know that crying and emotions don't help, it's time we tackle problems using a practical and well-thought out approach. It's tough but we women can handle it!

    All the best! I'm sure you can turn this around.
  8. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

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    hi kodavati,
    the soultion only possible for this is affection...why iam saying this is my father is a very good person in heart and a strict disciplinarian too...But his temper was very very bad..,my mother is a very soft person,totally opposite...after marriage,my father used to shout at home and my mother will be silent..she understands that he may have some tension in office or some kind of frustration that a husband can show only to his wife due to more rights ..So,she adjusted and as days pass by,my father used to tell everything happened at office as well as his tension and everything....openly...so,he felt my mother a good medicine for his personal wounds..after two children,his anger went off 90%..and he is now telling that due to my wife only,such a good person with a good heart i was able to come up in life successfully...my mother won my father due to her patience,affection only...none other than that..after marriage nothing was there for her(i mean sex)..she waited for 5 years for that...Now,they are No.1 understanding couple i ever felt..So,pls be patient and watch if there is any change..Regarding watching **** movies,if u resist he will continue...let him do it whatever extent he can(he is just seeing right?)...after that he will realise that what he did is a silly thing..every woman cannot digest my answer,i know,it is difficult...but resistance or fight aggravates the habit...So,try to make him understand by being very soft,if he is not ready to do it,leave him at risk..because nowadays,investigations are sensing people who are seeing these kind of movies or scenes... if they are caught,it is a total shame for them..try to tell this..
  9. Kodavati

    Kodavati Senior IL'ite

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    Hi everybody.
    Thank You all for the advice that you have shared with me.

    I will surely apply what you all have told me.
    Yes I have married for a year now.

    There was once a situation when my husband was moody and I thought I am not able to help him so I left him alone. He decided to go to sleep and I was watching TV. Later when I went in to sleep he was so mad at me that I did not try to entertain him.

    I am a very very emotional person so no matter how hard I try not to cry I can’t.

    I want some really good advice about
    --- > How to be patient ???
    --- >How to handle my husband during his bad moods without him affecting me ?

    One thing which frustrates me a lot about my husband is that : “he has not taught me driving so far”.
    No matter how many times I have asked me, how I have asked him he puts it off.
    It’s been a year that I had given the written test.

    Waiting for u’r suggestions.

  10. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Kodavati,

    First lets talk about your simple problem of learning driving. Can you start taking driving lessons from a driving school? If your husband seems to be putting off teaching you how to drive then nicely tell him that you understand he is busy so why not you join a driving school. Listen to what he has to say. If he pushes it out again tell him that you really want to learn driving so you will call up the school and enroll yourself. Take things in your hands without fighting.

    As for patience and dealing with his bad mood, I think all my friends who replied here have given very good pointers. Ria has aptly put some very crucial points about initial years of marriage. Please pay great attention to them. You will benefit from them tremendously.

    Two things you must learn to do. First, you have to focus on yourself. Second, you have to think of your husband as someone you “own”. When I say own, I don’t mean in a negative way. I mean that you should feel that this is my husband and this is my relationship with him that is in question. So I have to do whatever it takes to get it to the desired level. Sometimes it means being patient and tolerant, sometimes it may mean being extra loving, sometimes it may mean being strong and bold. Whatever it takes. To figure out what it will take in each situation, follow Ria’s suggestion on how to find out what makes him tick and what puts him off.

    Your first and foremost focus should be your own betterment, self- improvement, honing your skills, learning new things – basically everything that relates to your own development. You are young and these are golden years of your life. Not just from marriage perspective but also from the perspective of individual accomplishment. Don’t lose this precious time in focusing so much on your husband. Yes, he is very important in your life. But don’t make him the only focus of your life.

    Make a plan for yourself. Write down what you will strive to achieve in the next 6 months in terms of gaining small independence (such as learning driving) to big tasks like obtaining a job or volunteering actively some place. Once you have your objectives, schedule your day systematically for working towards accomplishing your goals.

    I will not elaborate too much here because a lot of it will be a repetition from previous discussions in this forum. Please do go through some old threads in this forum that talk about ideas on how to become self-reliant and how to deal with people more patiently, how to overcome frequent emotional outbursts etc. If you are unable to locate those please write here so one of us can point you to them.

    I would also like to recommend you read a nice eye-opener story that was recently posted by Malspie. I think it will tell you a few things that will help you figure out some of the things you need to do. The link is – http://www.indusladies.com/forums/indian-stories/21970-lost-identity.html

    Remember, nothing succeeds like success. Success does not mean only worldly success. It means to conduct yourself and your life in such a way that you exude confidence, self-assurance and a positive disposition. Success is an amalgamation of all these traits and many more. If you exhibit a successful behavior, you are bound to succeed in every sphere of life. And believe me, every one of us can do it.

    Good luck. And get charged up to turn things around.


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