How Do I Navigate Through This?

Sorry to say this but you and your H are responsible for your kids and chores at home . Your MIL cooks her own food that means cook is cooking for 2 adults and kid. How it is too much work to cut vegetables? You are able to show empathy to your cook maybe show the same to your mil

your H is correct here .

Looks like your Mil is depressed . If possible send her to old age home
But in that case who will bring daughter from bus stop at 1pm and who will play with little one . Maybe you can hire more help . How your mil spends time shouldn’t be dictated by you .

Hope you make necessary arrangements before sending her to old age home .

btw what she wears to party is also her wish . So many have two adults working with two young kids and no cook or no support from any family . So learn fo do it instead of complaining about your mil

 

I can totally understand what you're going through. We cannot completely blame your husband or MIL. As per your husband's situation he is helpless, he needs to take care of his mom. At the same time whatever your MIL is doing is taking a toll on your mental health. Maybe she is having some mental health issues like depression or anxiety that's why she behaves so. Its better you, your MIL and your husband sit together and try to speak out your hearts and clarify your needs and difficulties to arrive at a solution. Or you can opt to visit a psychologist if needed.
Coz separating from your husband will only worsen the situation. At the same time you just cant tolerate this **** for too long.
All the best...

 

oh my god . what is wrong here. Why such Rude responses from seniors. ILS.

why do not you send your parents to old age home . and blaming a person who is nothing bothering anyone.

I do not see any mention, where she is critical on you, abusive and emotionally blackmailing. Read other POSTs here .

Why jumping to leave your SPOUSE. This is ridiculous. So this is IT. kick your spouse for no reason.

She did her time, raised your spouse. who is kind and helpful. Your kids are your responsilibity. Raise them to be respectfull and kind to all. My mom watches Tv all the time, it annoys my dh, but we got a IPAD with headset. so all are happy.

Old people have issues. Is she asking you to cook . No. Ask your Spouse to cut, you can cut. if not busy with kids. My spouse and i alone. Cut , clean dishes, takes kids to classes, doctor appt, work.

As long as she is keeping herself clean and her room and her stuff is not scattered. I do not see.

what happpens if your kids scatter things all over the home. My 17 year old is same. Should i kick her out.

I can agree a bit here. YOu have to have to talk to her to tell her to stop talking negative all the time.

what are you doing.

I am sorry , you sound really selfish. hate me all you can. i have ILs and mom visiting me here for a year , where my work tripled , still now i feel it was worth it. Now they are not with me.

On your benefit, you need to get out for yoga , exercise for a Happy ME time. it changes perspective.

All of it you are saying other to do something. like your spouse, your cook, your mil, your parents. What are you doing?.

 

These are all very solvable issues, but you have to change your mindset.

1. Do not expect child care from her. Your kids are your responsibility. She has done her job and raised hers. She may help your SIL’s kids more because she feels more confident with her own daughter’s kids. Don’t hold this against her. My mom also does like this. If your daughter comes home early from school
then keep a nanny for her. My brother’s family has a lady who comes in the morning and stays all day. For few hours in the morning when kids go to preschool she will help with light tasks like folding clothes and cutting vegetables. Then when the kids return she will supervise them. The grandparents stay with them but they don’t have to do this as a routine everyday.

2. If she is particular about her food then let her do what she wants. Why do you care if she eats in her room? If she makes faces then just let her be. Figure out some time to cut veg and keep for a couple of days or buy them cut if you can.

3. If your husband is ready to help you with chores then accept his help! Why are you getting hung up in men’s and women’s tasks? Also let go of the idea that everything has to be done perfectly. As long as the job is done don’t quibble over who is doing what.

4. Health complaints and health dramas are very common. I have seen this with my own grandmother. It can be a form of attention seeking behavior. Usually they will complain the most about the child who is doing the most for them and praise the child who is doing the least. Ask your husband to sit with his mother for a few minutes every day and talk calmly. It may not be easy to plan vacations but you should ask your SIL to help.

Just be smart and change your way of thinking. Your situation is not ideal but it’s also not the worst. Just think of your MIL also as a person with her own fears and emotions, and don’t expect anything from her.

 

I am sorry if it sounds rude, your kids, your responsibility! I remember holding my second one and cooking to get one older one ready for school. You atleast have a person to hold your baby when you are doing your chores.
And what is with your MIL cutting veges for the cook?? Why cant the cook do that? You pay your cook for that right?
And why do you even care what she wears, what or where she eats, whether she goes on a walk or not? Let her do whatever pleases her.
And about your older one glued to TV after school, better to put her in an aftercare till you come back from work. Atleast give it a try for a couple of months and see how it goes.
And you say your husband is doing lots of chores, you have a cook and a maid. I am sorry, but I really can't understand why you want a helping hand from your MIL as well.
You said your husband is Shravan Kumar, and if your MIL was evil, she would ve manipulated him into not doing any chores in the household, we have heard a lot of stories like that in IL here. I don't think that happens in your house.
Like other ILs suggested, change your perspective and don't bother about what your MIL eats/wears/does in her free time.

 

I’m not defending or criticizing anyone but I just want to point out that in many metro areas the cook will expect to arrive to already cut vegetables and even soaked tamarind and other prep work done. Many of these ladies cook in 2-4 homes in the morning so they will come in, do everything as quickly as possible and run to their next job. So the family needs to make sure it’s done beforehand.

 

OP . I am sorry if you felt i am very rude. But please do not throw the D word so casually. You do not know what you have .

lot of folks here in IL would love switch.

also you will know the value of your partner after kids grow around 15 onwards. they are in their world. nothing wrong, it is part of life. we did the same.