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How Do I Change This Habit?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have this weird habit..Am not sure how to categorize myself..

    If I like someone or have no hard feelings,I will do as much help,very appreciative of all their hardwork and encouraging.Even if they make mistakes,I oversee them,let go and empathize a lot.I have few very good friends for many years and have zero expectations from them.Some live in different countries but until today for more than a decade,I have stayed in touch and always make sure to meet them whenever possible.I am usually soft spoken and they can only see my good side.

    If for some reason,anyone who touches my weak spot or tries to put me down..I get downright evil.I competely shut them out of my life,give them silent treatment,make them very puzzled at my behavior without giving any explanations,will not discourage but surely not give any compliment and no matter how many years they try,I move away from them.I have cut people cold turkey many a times and in other times luckily they have moved away.I have hated them and never seen them again.

    Now..this time the hate is with my relatives.It has been a while and some relatives try to get in touch but I do not even pick up their calls.For me..they are over.

    My husband feels I give either extreme love or extreme hate.True..but I am struggling to find a balance.

    My husband and mom is giving me a hard time to try to resolve things with my relatives but for me..They have humiliated me so much,treated me poorly and I don’t want them anymore and no amount of sorry is going to fix things but at the same time..my mental struggle due to this imbalance of emotions is not good which I know.


    How do u find a balance?
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2021
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Though I clicked like yet there is nothing for liking the situation described therein.
    It is a question on emotional counterpoise.
    Hate means they turned your enemies. They too remember and it stays green in their memory.
    The rule is to forget they were in your life. But pray that they live peacefully. Never discuss about them with any one nor listen about their progress from any quarters.

    As a boy, I had trouble with a class mate. He was my chum. He came to know Am well off. He said he wrote to me for help but I told i didn’t get his letter. Really I did not get his letter which was probably addressed to the lodge I stayed in for few months. After some thirty years, I phoned up and he refused to talk to me. But I heard he is is well off in UK settled with his daughter and son in law.

    I regret that I find it is difficult to suggest ways & means to overcome the habit that you had projected in your post.
    Regards.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2021
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    No problem. Any advice is beneficial! I so want to change this habit and I know it is wrong and one should be balanced good or bad but don’t know how to implement it..
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    When you are at such an impasse, thoroughly stumped for a scheme, it means only one thing: There is no need to bother. What anika987 has is a good habit, that is followed by the Accountant Chitragupta who keeps an account of everybody's deeds. Not easy for regular people to do. That sort of talent is a good thing to keep, sustain, and make good use.
    Here is a prime anecdote that can expand into a good blog story. The lack of funding from friend-who-turned-out-a-liar, made Mr. Kuchela go with plan-B, the less expensive option than plan-A, which would have been possible with the help of that "friend" who is now dead-for-all-that-matters. Plan-B takes le miserable to get his daughter into Commerce, instead of Engineering, which would've cost more. She eventually marries, goes abroad, gets a job in Llyod's Bank, and helps to emigrate her father to UK as well. Plan-A might have gone a different way, with the daughter married to a US gone NRI, stuck in Wahpeton, SouthDakota without an EAD (work permit). The typical Thyagarajan title for the thread can be: "A letter lost, a friendship dead, and a man sentenced to live under cold, grey, and overcast skies for life: Keeps warm with burning hatred."
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Let me see what others suggest here Anika. I have somewhat similar habit and hopefully I can get some insights on this.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Extreme hate usually needs to be preceded by extreme love. Manage the extreme love to lessen the chances of extreme hate.

    When any friendship or relationship is going great, really great, you are looking forward to each interaction or the next meeting, you are gushing about them to husband, then pause to reflect. Make it a habit to periodically press "slow down" on relationships going great.

    I have observed a friend who has this built into her personality. She has only had friendships or relationships fade away, hardly any ended on a note of discord. An example - she used to call up her parents in India only once a week, in the weekends. As phone calls became cheaper, she didn't change this habit. Only before India trips or during Covid, the calls went up to twice a week. She follows the same with her siblings. Regular calls once in 3-4 weeks and some texting. She has more frequent and intense communication only with me and 2-3 other friends. Between us too, we freely tell each other, 'hey I am dropping off from the grid for a week.'

    Moderation and low expectations in interactions while being there whole-heartedly with no-questions asked and no help too big in emergencies.
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Splendid. But title can never be a paragraph. At best I restrict title to contain three to five words.
     
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  8. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    Thank god ! It is so unburdening to read this . I do the same thing with family calls where I stick to weekends or some important news to share midweek or for occasions . In laws side, I dialled down even more and keep it very short and formal. I am learning the art of fading out some friendships after I have made some friends too soon and learnt neither we nor our spouses are really compatible and ended up in awkward situations with still some common friends !!
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    This is perfect Rihana..


    I always loved my family and my idea was that family should always support each other.

    My cousins are women around my age and we always loved each other and was encouraging of each other.That is the way I saw the women who entered our family marrying my cousin brothers etc.Initially it was fun..but over the years too much jealousy and competition,it drains me out.

    Plus the elders also changed.Lot of selfishness..

    I loved my family and infact took pride that we were the perfect family and usually sidelined all the flaws..

    but now when am older..all the taunts and sarcasms etc looks very awkward..there is no basic respect..

    Dont know if my expectations are a lot..maybe it is but i have learnt my lesson.

    I never want to get close to anyone and want to minimize all attachments..best for my mental health
     
  10. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    [QUOTE="anika987, post: 4221566, member: 353311"If for some reason,anyone who touches my weak spot or tries to put me down..I get downright evil.I competely shut them out of my life,give them silent treatment,make them very puzzled at my behavior without giving any explanations,will not discourage but surely not give any compliment and no matter how many years they try,I move away from them.I have cut people cold turkey many a times and in other times luckily they have moved away.I have hated them and never seen them again.
    [/QUOTE]

    I would like to answer this part of your post with a fun math. I would go with the binary system and assign a zero to a bad person/friend/relative/anyone who hurts me and at least one to good people. So, even if I add or subtract all the zeros, these so called people would not make any difference in my portfolio and I will be happy with the leftover one or more + digits.

    Having said that, I don't see anything wrong if you react in the way you have described. I would only ask you to correct something - you should not worry about the aftermath or try to think that there is an imbalance in your thinking by letting them move away. Keep this simple- they hurt you with their actions and you reacted by letting them move away. This gesture cannot be pre-measured or planned in advance. It is the most human reaction you adopt based on the situation.

    As per your post, you describe yourself as a person who gives extreme love. Just focus on that and make this a great plus point. Sooner or later you will attract only good people in your life. Don't think you are imperfect because of others stupidity.
     
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