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Hoping Mil To Die

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadwife, Jun 11, 2023.

  1. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @sadwife,

    The root cause of the problem is you are living in the past. You need to move on from what happened in the past in order to enjoy your present life. Don't link your happiness to the reactions of your husband or anyone else. Your happiness can purely be driven by your own thoughts and actions. You think by wishing your MIL to die is going to let you overcome your anger. Certainly not. It will linger in your mind even after she is gone unless you learn to overcome your anger yourself. It is not what she did but it is your own reactions to those actions that bothers your mind always. You can't control her actions but you can managing reactions to them is entirely in your control.

    I am not saying you didn't suffer. You did in the hands of your MIL. But that thought is putting down your self-esteem and hence hurting you whether she is with you or not. More you suffer, you are handing over the victory to your MIL on what she originally intended to do to bring division between your husband and yourself (if that is her intention). You should put up a brave face and handle situation well unaffected by her shenanigans by confronting her by standing up for your own values. Even if you don't say anything instead smile at her stinging words, her heart will break. Take your husband into confidence and explain that you have a right to defend your self-esteem. He is already confirming it by agreeing to reprimand her if she were to use any harsh words against you. You need to understand that your anger is ruining your mental and physical health more than your MIL's. She is probably feeling happy every time she hears about your anger. Defeating her intention is the best way to handle it. Please consult a therapist who will guide you through this process.

    If you truly like to destroy her will to hurt you, you should show a great level of togetherness with your husband and prove it to her that your relationship with him is unshakable and he is going to stand up for you. That is the best way to overcome this problem. Every time you show your displeasure with your husband about her, please remember it is a mental victory for your MIL whether she comes to know about it or not.

    I wish you the best in your life.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2023
    Laks09, joylokhi, Mistt and 2 others like this.
  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Will her death bring you happiness or make your life better?
    I doubt . There will be one or other issues. Thats life. Actually your MIL won. You are spending so much time thinking about her while she is enjoying her life.
    You should not waste a sec thinking about her. Instead divert and focus on other aspects that improve your life.
     
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  3. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Viswamitra & DDream,

    She is the type of a person who wants everyone to think she is the best MIL in the world, the DILs are lucky to have her as the MIL. So infront her relatives and friends she will be at her best. She was very close with my co sister and for some time now both not in talking terms. It was MIL's fault but she goes around putting the blame on co-sister which obviously co-sister and BIL got to know. Now even I just ignore her at functions etc. She attempts to talk to me as she doesn't want others to know I'm also not in talking terms with her. DH and I are still lovey dovey as usual around her so that's not much of a concern here. She had always thought her sons will talk for her if their wives go against her and they have proved her wrong. I'm glad her sons are always rational and don't blindly side her in the name of respect or mother sentiment.

    I have started meditation and reading some positive books. Let's see how much will these help me. Everytime I come to think of her I will quickly divert my mind. Thank you so much for the advice. Really appreciate your time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2023
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @sadwife

    Your response above shows how balanced you are in handling this situation. You could have easily told me to go away as I don't know your situation but you responded patiently explaining your situation and how your husband is supportive to your situation. Frankly, my wife went through a similar situation 40 years ago (in 1983) immediately after we got married. The abuse was verbal killing her self-worth. She went through a lot but luckily learned more tactics how to handle it and I supported her. I am glad your husband is supportive to you. All the best.

    I had a chance to type out your situation in ChatGPT (ananymously) and the following is the response. It is amazing how ChatGPT response was more or less the same what you got from the ILites:

    My question:
    How do one overcome verbal abuse by the husband's mother? How to keep oneself off being so angry?

    ChatGPT Response:
    Dealing with verbal abuse from a family member, especially from your husband's mother, can be challenging and emotionally draining. Here are some steps you can take to overcome verbal abuse and manage your anger:

    1. Recognize the abuse: The first step is to acknowledge and understand that the behavior you're experiencing is verbal abuse. It's important to validate your feelings and realize that you don't deserve to be treated this way.

    2. Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to your husband and his mother. Let them know what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Assertively express that you will not tolerate verbal abuse and demand respect.

    3. Seek support: Reach out to friends, family members, or a support group who can offer you emotional support, guidance, and a safe space to express your feelings. Professional counseling or therapy can also be beneficial in helping you cope with the situation.

    4. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and reduce stress. This may include exercising, meditating, practicing deep breathing techniques, pursuing hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.

    5. Develop coping mechanisms: Explore healthy coping mechanisms that help you manage your anger and stress. This may involve journaling, practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques, or seeking professional guidance on anger management.

    6. Avoid engaging in arguments: Verbal abuse is often aimed at provoking a reaction. Instead of getting into arguments or trying to defend yourself, disengage from the situation when possible. Refuse to participate in conversations that are disrespectful or hurtful.

    7. Maintain perspective: Remember that the way your husband's mother treats you is a reflection of her own issues and insecurities. It's essential to not internalize her words and understand that her behavior does not define your worth or value as a person.

    8. Communicate with your spouse: Openly communicate with your husband about your feelings and concerns. Help him understand the impact his mother's behavior has on you and your relationship. It's crucial to work together as a team to address the issue.

    9. Seek professional help if necessary: If the verbal abuse continues despite your efforts, it may be necessary to involve a therapist or mediator who can facilitate productive conversations and help find a resolution.
    Remember, overcoming verbal abuse takes time, patience, and a strong support system. Focus on your well-being and prioritize your emotional health.
     
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  5. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra
    I thought you are a woman.
    Anyway thanks for sharing and it feels good to know you have been a supportive spouse to your wife.

    In my case it's not direct verbal abuse actually, a bit complicated to explain. She will bad mouth about me or my mother just standing somewhere nearby assuming I wouldn't hear it. When I walk towards her, she would immediately change the topic. Of course she been rude to me in few occasions. Her relatives don't know the exact story/ situation so obviously they would be believing in her only. Those who used to be nice to me are not so nice to me now because of her. But I'm not angry with them as I know MIL is the culprit and the cause for everything. But now many in their family are starting to learn about her true nature as her niece had recorded everything. I thank God for that. It was also helpful for my DH to further understand his mother's character.

    Anyway the ChatGPT response was useful.
    Thank you again.
     
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  6. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Quite serious discussion is going on from June 11th
    about MIL DIL conflicts.Since I had the best MIL, perhaps
    I may not be suitable even to offer comments.
    All the MILs of my five sisters belonged to the
    category explained by the author.But neither the timid
    nor the boldest sister prayed for the death of MIL.
    This prayer may never help EITHER the DIL or MIL.

    I am reminded of an article in SATHYA SAI Speaks'.
    THE WRITING IS MORE OR LESS SIMILAR TO THE ABOVE SNIPPET.
    A DIL SUFFERING A LOT FROM THE HARSH MIL
    VERY OFTEN PRAYS, DOES POOJAS AND PRARTHANAS
    PRAYING FOR THE DEATH OF HER MIL.NOTHING FRUCTIFIES.
    A GREAT MAN LIKE SAGE COMES TO HER PLACE.SAGE IS STATED YO BE VERY
    CORRECT IN HIS ADVICES,
    DIL PROSTRATES BEFORE HIM AND ASKS HIM TO GIVE SOME DRUGS
    TO THE MIL TO FACILITATE HER END.
    THE SAGE GAVE HER SOME COUNTRY DRUGS AND ASKED HER
    TO GIVE MEDICINE TO MIL MIXING IT WITH COFFEE.
    HE ADVISED THE DIL" YOUR mil WILL BE ALIVE JUST FOR
    SIX MONTHS.SO PRETEND TO BE VERY KIND TO HER THOUGH SHE
    MAY ABUSE YOU.BE CAREFUL.THAT IS A SLOW KILLER.I AM GIVING
    THIS DRUG SO THAT YOU MAY NOT BE ACCUSED LATER.
    TREATMENT STARTED.DIL PRETENDED TO BE VERY KIND.
    MIL WAS TOO HAPPY.SHE TOO RECIPROCATED.WITHIN 3 MONTHS
    THE SITUATION CHANGED.IN THE 4TH MONTH DIL BEGAN
    TO CONTEMPLATE WHETHER HER WISH FOR MIL'S DEATH WAS
    CORRECT.DAY BY DAY SHE THOUGHT GUILTY ABOUT HER OWN INTENTIONS.
    SHE WAS AFRAID THAT HER MIL WHOM SHE HAS PRETENDED TO LOVE
    AND WHOM SHE HAS STARED REALLY LOVING FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS
    WOULD LEAVE HER.NOW SHE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TO SAVE HER MIL.
    SHE RUSHED TO THE OLD PHILOSOPHER WHO SEEMED TO BE EXPECTING HER.
    DIL REPENTED AND REQUESTED THE MAN TO SOMEHOW SAVE HER DEAR MIL.
    THE WISE MAN SAID,DONT WORRY GIRL.YOUR MIL WONT DIE.WHAT I GAVE IS ONLY A NOURISHING DRUG.
    ONCE YOU STARTED PRETENDING TO LOVE,IT HAS FORMED A PATTERN IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT HAS BECOME A REAL HABIT TO LOVE.hOW CAN YOU
    WISH A PERSON TO DIE WHOM YOU LOVE MOST?
    EVEN PRETENSION IS POSITIVE REMEDY.
    THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL AND MORE SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATION.EVEN IF WE START LOVING OUT OF COMPULSION OR PERSUASION,IT WILL MAKE A FAVOURABLE LASTING IMPRESSION IN THE MIND TO BRING ABOUT UNEXPECTED POSITIVE CHANGES,
    THE AUTHOR MAY BE ADVISED TO ERASE PREFORMED IMPRESSIONS
    AND TAKE A CORRECT POSITIVE STEP IN THIS REGARD,

    jAYASALA 42



     
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  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Smt. Jayasala:

    I remember reading this particular story in Sathya Sai Speaks. "Love lives by giving and forgiving whereas self lives by getting and forgetting" is His teaching. Thank you for sharing this story.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    I remember to have read a similar story but here the girl wants to kill her husband.
    It goes like this :

    POISON THAT KILLS HUSBAND

    Once upon a time a beautiful girl got tired of her marriage life and wanted to murder her spouse.
    One morning she ran to her mother and say to her " mother, I am tired of my husband I can no longer support his nonsense. I want to kill him but I am afraid Law of the land will hold me responsible, can you please help me mother?"
    The mother answered:
    - Yes my daughter I can help you, but, there is a little task attached.
    The daughter asked "what task? I am willing and ready to assume any task attached in order to get him out"
    OK, said the mother,
    1..You will have to make peace with him, so that no one will suspect you when he is dead.
    2.. You will have to beautify yourself in order to look young and attractive to him
    3.. You have to take good care of him and be very nice and appreciative to him
    4.. You have to be patient, loving and less jealous, have more listening ears, be more respectful and obedient
    5. Spend your money for him and don’t get angry even when he doesn’t give you money for whatever.
    6. Don’t raise your voice against but encourage peace and love so that you will never be suspected when he must have died.
    Can you do all of that?
    Asked the mother.
    “Yes Ii can. She replied”.
    “OK” said the mother.
    “Take this powder and pour a bit in his every day meal, it will slowly kill him”.
    After 30 days the lady came back to her mother and said.
    Mother, I have no intention of killing my husband again. As of now I have grown to love him because he has completely changed, he is now a very sweet husband than I ever imagined.
    What can I do to stop the poison from killing him?
    Please help me mother.
    She pleaded in a sorrowful tone.
    The mother answered;
    “Do not worry my daughter. What I gave you the other day was just Tumeric Powder. It will never kill him. In reality, you were the poison that was slowly killing your husband with tension and dispassion. It was when you started loving, honouring and cherishing him that you saw him change to a nice and sweet husband. Men are not really wicked, but our way of relating with them determines their responses and feelings towards us”.

    Women if they can only show respect, dedication, love, care and commitment to their spouse, he will 100% be there for you.

    The point is even pretension can act like Placebo and therefore it is QED here. But the Op here (author) may not be inclined to even pretend.
     
  9. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    @jayasala42
    @Thyagarajan

    I have been quiet for more than 10 years. Everytime she said or did something or when she insulted me infront others I never spoke up. I have always wanted to burst out but I stopped myself from doing so because I felt it's like disrespecting my husband.

    But now that my kids are growing up I want to set a good example to them. I want them to speak up for themselves and don't hesitate to say NO. In fact my husband told me that I should have maintained a distance with her from the beginning.

    I have been nice to her all these years even after her repeated nonsense. Everytime she does something she will be extra nice to me just to make sure I'm not mad at her and still talking to her nicely as usual. Then after some time she will start again. Finally I told my DH the next time she is up with something I'm going to give her a piece of my mind and I did exactly that. She wouldn't have expected that from me. Been more than 2 years now I'm not talking to her and she knows her boundaries now.
     
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  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Generally, someone wishing someone to die doesn’t happen easily. All your subsequent posts are giving me an impression that you did everything you could to address the issue except being silent initially. Perhaps, this is what you were referring to when you said you wanted to set the right example for the children. Other than some generic putting you down, did your MIL say anything that is inappropriate to say about a) your parents, b) your upbringing or c) yourself? That thought wishing your MIl to die is extreme and that is why I am asking this. I can understand if you don’t like to say it here.
     
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