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Hope I too won't become the typical MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by hamsapriya, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    I am 37 years old and have a son who is 8 years old. sometimes I sit back and think about how it is going to be when his wife will be added as a member to our home. It really makes me feel very strange that myself and my hubby should live with them. It doesn't make any sense at all by intruding in thier privacy and thier home. I really don't believe in this indian culture that the parents if they are in the same town or city should share the same roof. It actually creates lot of tension for everyone under the roof cause everyone of them have thier own identity.
    I believe in live and let live peacefully. My greatest fear is that if I am too given the tag of the typical MIL by my would be DIL. I'd like to give her and my son full freedom tolive the life they want and not be bogged down all the time worrying for us. For that to happen I & my hubby have to look after our health right from now so that when we are old or till such time that we are on this earth we don't have to be dependant on our children.
    My ageing plans include reading the greatest number of books, to work for a animal care association, maybe have some 4-5 dogs in my home,go visiting lots of places, and keeping myintrest in music by learning an instrument. My husband's plans include to be busy with stock markets, keeping his health fit by going for morning walks,read the economic times from the 1st letter to the last, and his passion for music will always keep him young. I know we won't find ourselves to be lonely or feel neglected by our children because we have become so busy now we don't have the time to chase our intrests and passion.
    My suggestion to all friends out there who are in my age period is don't neglect your health. look after it right from now so that we can enjoy our old age like no one can.:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    This is going to sound odd since I'm only 22, but I can't wait to be retired! I'll be able to enjoy my kids and grandkids without the responsibility of having to take care of them like when they were small, I'll be able to pursue classes in college just for fun (like art and music classes), me and dh are going to go on a world cruise, travel a lot, eat great food, visit with friends... I wouldn't want to live with my kids even if they wanted me to. I wouldn't want to be that person to drive a wedge between husband and wife or make a home an unhappy place. I'd love to come visit, but definitely not permanently.

    Nice post. Some good food for thought!
     
  3. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

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    hamsapriya,
    If we understand that after son's/daughters marriage

    Its their spouse that takes the first priority and we as parents shouldn't compete with it.Accepting this fact will keep the insecurities and jealousy at check.

    Having compassion for DIL/SIL irrespective of the relationship we formed.

    Donot have expectations like if MIL's are super nice to DIL/SIL they will also be super nice.

    I think these three will help the sail go smooth.DIL and MIL needn't agree on everything or can have little irritations which is normal even in well intended DIL/MIL relationships.We should learn to accept that.Unity in diversity is the approach that helps I guess.

    Your intentions are well meant and you seem to plan your retirement life.I think you will do well.Good luck!
     
  4. semaphore

    semaphore Senior IL'ite

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    Thoughtful topic.

    I think after going through so much with in-laws(atleast 80% of ppl) dont we know what dil's think and probably will be more understanding than our mil's.

    I always think, distance increases affection ...
    Also our generation are prepared for retirement. That independency solves 50% problems.

    Hope lessons learnt will not be forgotten. :)
     
  5. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    Its kinda sweet that my MIL thinks like you do. DH is an only son, and MIL and my mom are pretty friendly... before we were married, MIL once confided in mom that she didn't want to be "that MIL..." :rotfl I was plenty amused, because she already is a pretty sweet, independent, busy and fascinating woman... it'd be funny to see her intruding.
    I find her sweet in the little things she does and how she always takes care to keep out of our lives, it is very endearing.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2010
  6. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    That is such a novel thought.

    You can preserve this thread to show to your wud be MIL someday!!
     
  7. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Hamsa,

    What a great post. Amen to it a million times. :)

    My retirement plans include living close to, but not with, either of my kids. I like my privacy and independence too much to share living space or kitchen with anyone else - including my own daughter. Like you, my husband and I plan to stay healthy and active as long as we can and to live independently until we get REALLY OLD or REALLY sick. If a time ever comes when we are no longer able to care for ourselves, then we'd prefer to go into an assisted living facility instead of moving in with our kids (and their families).

    All we expect from our kids are regular visits with the grandchildren, and overnight stays during festivals / functions. Other than that, I have neither the interest nor the inclination to be overly involved in their lives. I'd much rather spend retirement traveling, volunteering, reading and socializing with friends.

    In addition to taking care of one's health, I would also urge people in their 30s and 40s to cultivate good friendships. These friends will ensure not only your emotional well-being but will also provide you with an outlet for your socialization / communication needs, in addition to strong moral support in your hours of need. While I believe that we are not wrong to expect moral / emotional support from our daughters and sons, it might be easier to find understanding and empathy for many of the issues that plague old age from friends who are of a similar age than much younger kids / kids-in-law. This will also keep us from being overly involved in our kids' lives due to boredom, loneliness, lack of company etc.

    Retirement is a great time and I see what a wonderful time my parents & in-laws are having due to great planning and foresight. I think it's a time to enjoy yourselves to the fullest, after a lifetime of hard-work, long days, stress, sacrifice and child-rearing! :thumbsup
     
  8. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Well said Malyatha.I liked all your points especially
    While I believe that we are not wrong to expect moral / emotional support from our daughters and sons, it might be easier to find understanding and empathy for many of the issues that plague old age from friends who are of a similar age than much younger kids / kids-in-law. This will also keep us from being overly involved in our kids' lives due to boredom, loneliness, lack of company etc.
     
  9. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    Dear Malyatha,
    I agree to your point of making good friends who will lastyou forever. Thanks for the reminder as I had almost forgotten it in my agenda of retiring. And very true that we'll get better emotional support from the same age group rather than from our kids who will be in the next generation by then.

    Wow, I never thought that many others are thinking the same way as I am. Thankyou so much for heartwarming reply. This is in fact myfirst post and I am glad I am getting such positive replies:)
     
  10. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    Hi suitable girl,

    Thanks for the reply. I am glad that a young one like you too liked my post. GO ahead and enjoy your present with your DH as much as you can before getting tied down to family, kids,school....etc. Rock ur life!!!:cheers
     

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