Her mil...my mom.........

Maya, you have a beautiful heart. You are impartial to both sets of parents and have the sanity to put yourself into others shoes... This is what is needed for 2 generations to stay closer by distance and/or heart.

 

You are doing the best you can.
Unfortunately looks like all of you are living in the USA and its a pretty tough place to grow old, especially if the parents have come from India.
If you mother is well enough to travel why not ask her to travel back to her home town in India for a few months every year. She would love checking with relatives and bring back treats for all of you.
Hope this helps.

 

How I had been waiting for someone to talk about this dilemma. It is easy to say for DILs that they don't want to stay with their MILs but when the DIL's own mother experiences the same refusal from her DIL, does the reality sink in. But,
I am not blaming you for anything as you are far more logical,understanding and empathetic.

This is possible but only in a big house,preferably with two separate floors or two apartments in the same building so that the older generation doesn't boss around and interfere. At the same time, they must have their own source of income which implies that they must not spend all their savings on sons and daughters and DILs and SILs or grandchildren with the hope that they will get it back. Unless the senior generation believes in retirement savings and self-reliance, this situation cannot be remedied. There will be MILs who will interfere with and torture DILs, DILs who would ill-treat or ignore MILs and sons without spine who will not take any stand.

Does this mean your Mom sold her house and now stays with her son and that she has no other place to go to ? Ah, it is so agonising to be dependent on children who don't want to keep them or cannot keep them because of in-laws.

If your mother is the adjusting and non-interfering types, I am sad to see her plight. She deserves better than this at the age of 70!

 

Hi Maya, someone above, said - she could visit her relatives back home in India, assuming you and your brother are in the USA. a couple of months in India, will give your brother and wife, some privacy. Looks like your brother is recently married (my assumption only-sorry, if I am wrong), so his desire is understandable.

plus, can you arrange for your brother in law to keep your inlaws for a longer time (month or two), so your mom can spend some more time at your place?


I am not sure how supportive your husband is, but I feel like your husband is as matured and considerate as you are. talk to him and see if you guys can arrange something together.

hang in there, things will work out fine.

 

Retired life in this kali kaalam is not rosy at all....

hmm.. Your brother should understand and make his wife understand as well.. Same goes to you as well when your inlaws get on ur nerves. They are just old and need a peaceful life. So what compromise , I am use it will be worth it.

It's sad, when couples have kids and want a nanny, they don't might shuttling their old parents here and there to take care of their children..hmmm...

 

Well I don't want to sound mean towards your brother and I very well understand from where he is coming. Hats off to you for your controlled behavior towards your brother .I would probably be mad if I got to hear the same from my brother.
This might be a temporary phase for you where you got to do all the juggling around with mom and in-laws..Once your brother has a child things will change.He will most likely want some elderly person to be around for guidance and help. Till then you are the lucky one who gets all the good karma of taking care of elderly parents
Love your calm and composed attitude and of course clear thinking.

Good luck..Do keep us updated as to how is it going.

 

I can see where you are coming from. Your clever brother while being candid with you has laid the onus of explaining this situation to your Mom on you. He said what he wanted and he will get it without being the 'bad or forthright son' in this case and you would have to juggle with all the 'whys', 'please let me go to my son's place' from your oblivious mother.

It's high time that the other son takes responsibility too not because your PILs are objects to be footballed from one place to another, but because I strongly believe that PILs must realise that even their DILs would like to have their own parents stay with them as it is the DIL's parents equal right to get support in old age. (Refer to my older posts)!

I know it and cannot explain to my husband either. But I feel sorry for your Mom. You know why ? Because she is 70yrs and alone and she was earning until now. Thus is self-respecting and would hate it wen she would discover what her son did! Don't know how recent was your brother's marriage and whether he was financially dependent on his mother !

Hats off to you lady for such a positive and receptive frame of mind!

I don't agree with this line of thinking. This is no consolation. This is called 'using' your parents when you need help and driving them out when you need privacy! Children should decide to be on one side. I am not comfortable with my PILs at all but do not want their support in baby-rearing or anything of that sort. I shall change or quit my job or arrange a safe and hygienic daycare howsoever expensive but not 'use' anyone whom I don't like.

 

Maya69.....Hugs to you dear.
If the issue with brother is only privacy as he is newly married and nothing else then how about just giving her a big hug and say"mom you should come and stay with us for longer periods and give those two newly married love birds some time alone."(with a wink) As simple as that .No need to get too emotional and making the issue into something that looks like they don't want to care for her. I hope it is just a matter of privacy in their newly married life.

Is it possible for them to get a bigger place or a studio appartment next door?That could be good for everyone.