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Help. What Is My Husband Up To?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by EagerForInfo, Mar 29, 2019.

  1. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I understand your pain. My ex-husband used to come for intercourse even when we havent spoken for a week like i am some sex worker.

    What I later learned is only when men are sexually satisfied they will open their ears and eyes to your frustrations.

    He wants sex to give you love, you want love to give sex. this is a vicious circle. One of you have to break this circle and it should be you since he is ready for divorce.

    So offer amazing romance,love,sex and give it 2-3 months. If he is still mean and horrible to you then think of the next steps. Pls hire some help so you are not tired always.

    this is very common issue and you are not alone in this.
     
    beautifullife30 and DDream like this.
  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can totally understand. I am facing this every day
     
    neenabeauty likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You have received almost similar replies in both threads. Marriage is lot of work. If anything is right in his claim of sexless marriage, it can be a good reason to separate.

    Like you, almost all women need attention, verbal assurance , communication and care to emotionally connect with spouse. But men need sex to emotionally connect with their spouse. I am sure you know this difference in love language. So accept it. First, you give and then take. In my own experience, if there is any conflict, even if its over, my dh opens up well only after having physical relation. Once they are happy in that way, they listen and care more. So try to give more and more . If not, later you may repent for not doing it. This is the youthful state you should enjoy. After getting old, no point in thinking back and remorse over it.

    "He tries to insult me in front of friends. Hey she didn’t cut the little ones nails. Did u give him a bath at least today ????? ( even when I clearly did ) The list goes on. He tries to make it look like I don’t do my duties in front of people and friends."

    Not good. How you respond to this. Have you stopped, him right there in front of people or later. Next time, you can tell, you are their father you can also do it. Why you think it's only mothers job to do this. Or joke in front of them, something like "I am glad that you noticed your kids atleast now". If I were in position, I will assert my unhappiness later to him over that and ask him stop such comments in front of others or face similar things back. Give a warning, if it fails , then use other methods.

    If both of you are unhappy, what's the point in staying in this marriage. So try your best before it's too late to revive your marriage based on the suggestions by ladies here. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
  4. MrCroc

    MrCroc Bronze IL'ite

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    *Ahem*
    MrsCroc birthed BabyCroc just last month. It was a horrible pregnancy and even more horrible delivery. We had a forcep assisted delivery. She is having stitches, horrible pain, and a lot of bleeding. During pregnancy, she used to vomit 8-10 times a day.... for all 9 months, coupled with extreme weakness. Not fun.... I hardly get more than 4 hours of sleep on a GOOD day. And I have daily job 8AM-6PM. My parents are helping in cooking and stuff. Got them come here in Canada. We live in a 2 bed room 700 SQ FT apartment with paper thin walls, so we have almost no privacy. Oh and we all 4 + BabyCroc share one bathroom to boot.

    Why am I telling you all this? Because even with all of this crap going in my life, I and MrsCroc get frisky god damn every day! Thrice a day on weekends. We cann't go all the way because of her wounds so we go as far as possible and try different errr.... "options", BUT GOD DAMN I am not letting MrsCroc and me miss the fun.

    If your husband is not having it with you for 2 years 8 months, then by god something is wrong. Either he is having some medical issues, or he has a mental block (incidentally was he present in the labor room during delivery? That experience can turn a guy off for long!!), or he has enormous stress from somewhere. Basically he is having 'issues'. He want to avoid facing those 'issues' by avoiding you, me thinks.

    Last but not the least, in terms of intimacy me and MrsCroc think each other as errr.... our perpetual and god-appointed "sex worker".... And no, we don't think it in an insulting manner. There is a lot else in marriage but sex is also not-nothing in marriage.
     
  5. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Please vent your heart out ! We are happy to hear if it helps lighten your emotional burden.

    I am a mother of two children. Have breastfed them for until they were 2 years of age - I did it while doing a full time job. I am saying this so that you know I understand how tiring and exhausting BF can be.
    In all those days when your H was sleeping in a different room, did you ever attempt going to his room, instead of waiting for him to come to your room ?
    What happened when you tried?
    What is the age gap of your kids?
    Younger children take afternoon naps - did you try using that time as couple time on weekends?
    If you can help us understand your attempts to mend the relationship issues, it would help us to suggest you better.
    Working n single job in itself is exhausting - did you give him the benefit of doubt that he might be exhausted working in 2 jobs ?
    I understand a sweet word, one line of concern means a lot - especially when you are taking care of kids - trust me I know - been there , done that.
    Just wanted to know how you have responded(not reacted but responded) to his tiredness and his exhaustion, before you waited for him to say anything?
     
    startinganew likes this.
  6. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Bronze IL'ite

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    No I have not gone to his room. I was upset soon after the delivery itself when he was accusing me that I was making a 2 day old baby cry at 3 am in the night. Baby had jaundice. I had a c section. Not one help but instead arguments in the middle of the night. He would go and stay with his mom at home ( who had come to help me ) while I was alone in the hospital for 5 days. Even during pregnancy also he did not help one bit. Then also he used to sleep in a different room. It was hard for me to get water in the middle of the night. I had wished at least he would be there to get it for me. With all this anguish inside of me I have to admit I haven’t even gone into his room. Even if I did he would be talking all night with his parents which was annoying and disturbing to me.
     
  7. ramya8085

    ramya8085 Bronze IL'ite

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    i did not read all your threads. but if you keep reliving the past, you will always relive the past. your husband sounds like a very immature man. actually not many men are mature enough to handle baby ( i am not saying new mothers are too ). i still remember my husband getting ready to prepare and telling me to give pepper and jeera water to my daughter ( 1 month old ) because had common cold , it sounds hilarious now but that time , i was scared.

    try to let go of past and ask him to connect with you. kids can sleep in the same room but different bed.

    if still acts like a jerk, sorry either you have to suffer or let go.
     
    sbonigala likes this.
  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    As @ramya8085 said,
    try to let go of past and ask him to connect with you. kids can sleep in the same room but different bed.
     
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    It seems like there is a lot of history of hurt between you two making both of you extremely unhappy. In my opinion, him telling the doctor (of all people) that he wants a divorce sounds like a vent to his frustrations, not an actual movement to get a divorce. Because let’s be honest, divorce is hard and messy and often vilifies a man’s character. Divorces are also expensive and socially very challenging. Rather than fearing that consequence, talk to him on the reasons he wants a divorce and how to best alleviate the problems at home.
    I am reading lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), lack of communication, and lack of family based activities even - no wonder marriage is miserable. Start with something small, like planning a family day trip to the children’s museum or aquarium. Encourage your husband’s bonding as a family and the happiness that comes from an outing like that. If it’s still not helping his perspective and create an opportunity to talk to him about your marriage without the children around. Preferably during the daytime, when you have more energy - ask a friend or a babysitter to look after the kids as you put effort into communication. Maybe you have to set new rules onto your marriage, and it might not follow the traditional layout. This all depends on what YOU want. Do you want an intimate relationship with your husband? Do you just want the financial and social security that he provided? Remember, your husband would also suffer in a divorce, so don’t fear the word unless he’s visited lawyers or starts making plans to separate. Find out what he really wants too. Don’t guess - he could be feeling unattractive or having trouble feeling attracted to you, or he’s physically and mentally stressed by his 2 jobs. You may want to address why he needs 2 jobs. Find out the financial situation (this you have to do, even as the primary caretaker of your children, you need to get engaged to the financial situation). Personally, I think that he’s avoiding his personal problems by working, not to provide extra money for the family.
    Regardless, if you want this marriage to come out if it’s black hole, you have to open communication and start working on reaching the root of the problem. It’s not easy, and egos on both sides might be hurt- but this pain is necessary to achieve a better home life. Before you start communication with your husband, start analyzing what you want out of the marriage and your life.
     
  10. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    Very nicely written
     

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