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Help Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Misha33, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    I'm not new to this forum but haven't posted in a long time, I am married for almost 10 years have 2 kids, my husband is reserve kind of a person, he doesnt want me to interfere in his matters, so a couple of days ago we had a fight because since a few days he has been coming home late from work going straight to gym, then to play tennis and coming home after me and kids have gone to bed so two days ago I asked him that he could have atleast acknowleged the fact that he was a no show and did not spent any time with me and kids, and he went off on me saying I have ruined his life, he called me bad abusive names, he threw my sons water bottle at the wall and now today he is like why r u mad, if it is about yesterday just forget about it and move on, but this time i am not able to , please help me what should i do
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    r@Misha33,
    As a wife , you have every right to question him when he just spends the whole day away without giving any valid reasons. Reserved nature has got nothing to do with his not keeping you informed of his activities and whiling away time outside when even kids would naturally be waiting for their father. When he is in a normal frame of mind, i.e. when not angry or so, talk to him calmly and tell him, this is not the way families are run and children will surely be affected in the long run. It is not that he cant spend time for his interests like gym, tennis etc, but it should be with an understanding that he will make it up to you all with othr planned activities. It may require patience rather than getting angry and having shouting bouts which will not solve the problem. Take care and update how u are faring later.
     
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Can you elaborate what this fight was about? This will give an idea what made him so angry on you. A little more background would help.
     
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    He owes you an explanation for all this.

    Don’t ever clean this if he does next time. If he knows how to throw, he can clean it too.

    Will he be ok if you did whatever he did n next day if you simply say “move on” ??

    Tell him you want to sit n talk with him. No shouting, throwing. Just talking like two adults.
    You as his wife deserve to know
    how you ruined his life
    n why he is behaving like this
    N what can be done to fix this situation ?
     
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  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with all of the questions above. You shouldn't stop until you get answers. This is your life too. He cannot be a dictator. Ask him why he specifically blamed you with "You ruined my life" statement. May be it is work stress, but from what you described above, for these past days he was avoiding contact with you for a reason he thinks you caused. You will need to find it and handle it patiently. Do you guys fight often ? Is it the first time he did something like this? Then it might be a serious issue. Dig a little deeper to get your answers, and work like a diplomat. Give a little what he wants, but make sure you get everything you want!
     
  6. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    This is not our first fight about this issue, things go fine as long as I dontt voice my opinion on anything if I do or say something I dont agree in the relationship he always has a very strong reaction to it and it always start with u didnt need to say anything or u could have just ignored it , he just wants me to be ok with any situation or any circumstance we r in ,I just should not react , but this time when he was not present for two days I said to him that if he was not able to give any time to us he could have atleast acknowledge it and said something in the lines of I feel bad I wasnt able to spend time with guys to which he said oh so u want me to apologize for going to the gym or play tennis or hanging out with friends,this time he was really out of line he verbally abused me, he came at me gesturing to hit me, threw the bottle , said I have ruined his life, and now he wants me to just get over it and finish the tension in the house, but I just can't seem to do it this time, what do I tell him, that I'm fine with whatever he does or I shouldn't have asked himand just ignored thinking it's not everyday that he does that, i dont know , for now I just dont want anything to do with him.
     
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Talk to him and make it clear that he is hurting you emotionally and this behavior is not acceptable. If he wants to play tennis, make it 3 days a week, so that he comes home all other days to spend time with you. or play for couple hours and make it back to home in time for dinner with everyone. Just an example. You have to make him understand that when he does his abusive gesture towards you, it will make you less affectionate and detached from him. Find sometime to sit down with him when he is calm and ask him what is the reason behind the behavior, tell him it is worrying you very much. Mental health is as much as important as physical health. If you keep everything bottled up in yourself, it is not going to do any good in the long run. See a doctor if need to.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Misha, the man making the time to be with kids is a contentious in almost every household. Women seem to naturally re-order their priorities so that time with kid remains near the top of their list. For (most) men, time with kids is not so much a "must do." It is a "must/will do if I have time after x, y and z activities."

    When the x, y and z activities are ones like gym, tennis, TV, it makes the wife mad.

    That part of a man's nature cannot be changed. Expecting him to acknowledge that he did not make/spend time with kids/wife is destined for disappointment and arguments which help no one. The argument won't even give the woman the useless satisfaction of "I made a point."

    This argument is now a thing of the past for us as the kids themselves are not keen to spend time with us. : ) But, I do recall getting mad just like you are now. My suggestion is accept it as something that cannot change. Do not expect acknowledgement that he missed spending time. Continue to create opportunities for kids to get more time with father.

    In an ideal world, fathers would be as bothered as mothers about how much time they spent with the kids on a given day or in a given week. In reality, men tend to think if they spend more than certain time with kids, it is a favor to the mother. A mother who reaches home after child has fallen asleep might feel guilty, a father will put it down to "it was a busy day."

    It helps to remember that over 16-18 years, children get enough time with parents. And, that the father loves the child as much as a mother does.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I can see lack of respect on both sides.

    Everyone needs space. He too. You need to respect that. What's wrong in spending time for himself. If he has already informed you about that, why he need to acknowledge it again. No one likes to say sorry for it. But you can tell him you appreciate if he could schedule his gym or tennis in such away that he reach home before you all go to bed or before dinner atleast. Staying late that long can be a concern. Tell him it make you anxious and worried. Deal it in calm way. When you demand explanation he feel like you are controlling him or questioning him. May be that's the reason for his out burst, mostly due to ego. You can also join gym, find some activity, hand over kids to him whenever possible and enjoy your time.

    But he also need to respect you. Verbal abuse or emotional abuse is unacceptable. You have to set boundaries. He should not cross that. Tell him ( no questioning but convey) when both of you are calm, you can not accept his verbal abuse, its creating so much damage in your mind. How can he be a role model for his kids. Is this the way an educated mature person behave?. How will he respond if kids those bad words. Ask him an explanation for his sentence on " you spoiled his life" . Is there any truth in it. Or it doesn't mean anything.

    Ask him in what way you can make situation better. But demand respect if it's not given. You have to convey that you loose respect when he use bad words and make you emotionally distant and negative. Is that what he wants. Demand an apology for using bad words and throwing stuff( never clean, he has to clean it himself, let it be there). If he need a positive and loving wife he has to treat you that... use sentience start with ' I ' not 'you'. He can be a reserved person, it's his choice, but you dont have to hurt yourself by keeping anger inside. So communicate well. But if you argue or raise voice, full attention will be shifted to that, but not on the point you want to convey. So learn to talk in cool and composed way, but at the right time.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2019
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  10. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    Thanks for the reply, I think I agree with you on some level , I have to change my mindset, I have to be ok with him being home or out with friends or just having some me time, in the almost 10 years of my marriage now I'm learning is that one should not expect much, I remember when I first got married, it was really hard for me to hold a conversation with him because most of the time he wont be paying attention , so one day I asked him and he said I know I cant cuz during the week I'm stressed out about work and I still think about it when I'm home, I was taken aback but accepted it, then came the topic of finances , he is not the one who likes to spend money, he likes to save and he keeps his bank account and his finances private, which again I accepted because it's his money and in the 10 years of marriage we shared the bed only for the first year and after my daughter was born we sleep in different rooms because he has to wake up early to go to work, and I am expected to be quiet and not speak up for any matter I should just ignore it or am said to have handled it a differnt way, I know I'm not perfect in any way and im not expecting him to be one, but it hurts when im being treated this way, there are many many things about my life that I cant cover here, I have always looked at the bigger picture, he possesses a good cahracter, he is religious, he is educated a good provider ( he loaned me his money to pay off my student debt which I paid back to him in a year and a half)for the family but what about the emotions , the care , having feelings for the wife ,even today he came up to me and said looks like u r still mad, then he said why did u ask me when u knew where I was he said it's not a big deal if he didnt get to spend time for a couple of days and then said u made me angry that's why I said all those things to you if u had not said it i wont have said anything to you, then said he feels I get bored and want an activity so I start a fight with him .
     

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