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help please - my wife and I are so different

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ArrangedM, Jun 14, 2012.

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Aug 23, 2012 #41

ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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please excuse me, i just want to tell everythign in mind to somebody thats all. Sorry all, i cant tell this to anyone in real life. Just want to write everythign in mind thats all, sometimes it is helping to write and sometimes it is not.

Last edited: Aug 24, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

#41
Aug 23, 2012 #42

ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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eandian said: ↑

If she sulks and says no to the dress even though she likes it a lot, dont make her buy it.

Once or twice let her miss buying things that she likes. Then she will learn to ask for things. Dont feel guilty. She said NO. Be a bit strong. Dont baby her too much. You are not a mind reader.

Just take her word at face value....a bitter medicine...might cure.

@restaurant, get two menus, You order for yourself and let he do for herself. Why should you ask her what you should order for her????? She has a mouth that can be used to order as well as eat. She might pick exactly what you pick. No problem. Then she cannot complain that she is getting used by others for her goodness. She ordered it. Let her eat it.

She has to come out of this martyr syndrome.
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She is like a Baby. I always want to do what you wrote above. I do it too. But I cannot hold it for long, I ended up taking her measurements yesterday. (please dont thik am being condescending here or magnanimous...just that i know i dont deserve her, so i try to keep her happy in other ways)

Reason she wont talk first after fights is- she is scared of rejection. What if she ocmes to me and I reject her.

She is deeply hurt, thats all. I may have given a wrong impression on her, may be in anger. But she is good. Thanks.

Last edited: Aug 24, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

#42
Aug 23, 2012 #43

ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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beautifullife30;2397253- try imitating her when she calls you with respect. let her know why you think that uncessary respect is not needed. else make her call you those only when you two are alone -from your post i understood that you want her to be more expressive and free. .[/QUOTE said:

I will do this. Thanks. I lack patience, true. its okay, I can select for her i can order for her.as long as she is free with me and talks to me.
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ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 23, 2012

#43
Aug 23, 2012 #44

Rise Platinum IL'ite

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its a tough situation you are in, i donno how i can help you... but i am happy to see a man putting in efforts to make his wife happy. i donno if i can helps but my opinion is... try to get a good soft romantic book.. like eric segal...lovestory.... or google out some true life succesful lovestories, or how to lead a married life.. or resposibilites of a wife to husband and viceversa......... i think your wife has not yet learned to trust you and mariage..... hope all will be well soon...Best wishes

PS: if my hus did half the things u did for wife.... i would have remarried my hus again

Rise, Aug 23, 2012

Rise, Aug 23, 2012

#44
Aug 23, 2012 #45

insha Gold IL'ite

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Have you spoken to her openly that you want to make this work?Its true that she doesnt like your past.But nothing can be changed now and there is no point in sulking.Tell her you are ready to love her in the best possible way.I see that you are genuinely trying to put efforts.She feeling bad about your past is ok,but even after you making efforts she still being adament is just spoiling her life as well.

If even after telling this she still remains with any reaction,start behaving the same way to her for sometime.Let her feel the silent treatment that she is giving you.

insha, Aug 23, 2012

insha, Aug 23, 2012

#45
Aug 23, 2012 #46

yesican Gold IL'ite

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ArrangedM said: ↑

To be frank with you, I had no brain to analyze what type of life partner I wanted.

Whining and crying - So have you never done any mistakes in your life? Did you ever try to rectify ti by analyzing what the root cause is. I said what I thought was the root cause and trying to find out ways to surpass that. It does not mean I want her to change, I am saying again - I do not want to change her. For the sake of our relationship - I want to know if we both can meet somewhere in the middle. I wanted to list waht i think were deterants to our relationship and she has to write what she thinks are deterrants to our relationship. Each gets that list and try to idetify those from the list that cannot alter our core personality types and are changeable for good if some effort is invested. And implement the change. And this is called whining and crying?

From my side - She thinks i was a prostitute and slept with everybody in town. I can and did change that and I cut contacts with every girl that i knew from my college life after marriage. And i did not do that as a favour or after she asked, I did it before she asked. She still thinks am impure, which I was btu not after marriage. She thinks I say harsh things, that break her heart, I admit I do that. I want to change it and tried why I loose my temper so much and why i say such things and when i say those.

Reasons I found are,

1) I am very shameless, so I dont find them very offensive or heart breakers. she would have said those things to me so many times but I never took them seriosly, so I subconsciously feel I can say things as well.

2) I am very energtic and excited. Soemtimes or most of the times, I have plans to do this do that, when I see her so down, dull, and "your wish" answers make me think - are we not doing these for romance? is she not interested? am i the only one who wants to be romantic ? and mercury level falls down to the ground from that top level.

Ex: I want us to sit close, watch movies and do romance. I would have stuff in mind to do. When she behaves like a dead person following orders just to get it done with. Ok, you want to watch a movie. Switch it on lets watch. And nothing. You want me to watch this romantic song? ok play it on. I will watch. Done. Its finished. and goes back to other browsing. Does that mean that we cant do anythign fun at home forver? I dont know if you see the frustration here. if its not a big deal, then atleast am g etting some satisfaction by opening up to somebody unknown.

Family asks me in private whether am taking good care of her or not, I say yes. Then they think my wife is not a happy person. Which I dont like, so I tell them something on me. Once or twice it will work, but every time they see her depressed, and I tell problem is with me ..i did something to piss her off just before we came so she is not in mood. They ask me to stop covering for her and that they will not get a bad impression on the girl, if she chose to be depressed irrespective of me being nice ro not nice. She is family, so they want me to try and get her out of it. They think I restrict her in every way, which is why she behaves like that taking permission, so silent. no smile, no frown, just do work and stand still. I do not restrict her at all.

i dont know am going in circles and circles. I dont knwo what my problem is.
About traditional, orthodax - okay going through all the posts - I understood this difference and you know what - I am okay with that. It pales in comparison when i look at other issues of she doing things like a dead person or without any interest. Watch the song? okay lets watch. yes its done i watched it. Thats all? well there is a reaosn I ask that we watch it together......there are somethings that we may not be able to convey to her due to shyness or anything. So I wish that we see together or she listens to them alone to understand my feelings for her. I told her this for which she nods her head.
For ex: yesterday, with great interest i searched for this song and played it. asked her to listen. She did. and thats it.

mere sanam kahin tu aisi jagah chal, jahaan na aaj ho na ho koyi kal
uss jagah pyaar hi pyaar ho, beech koyi na deewaar ho
siwa pyaar ke koyi cheej bhi aaye na dono ke darmiyaan.

She bursts my bubble saying - there is no such world or no such love. so i dont trust this love songs. I hate love stories. I was very angry but just said - 'okay may be i dint give you that kind of love so you think it does not exist, we have all the time in our lifes. May be someday i will give you that kind of love, then we will watch this song together. "

i am again gogin in circles. Only thing i know is - She is deeply hurt. She wanted a person who is very studious, sincere, religious, never loved anyone (loving before marriage is a blasphemy), romantic. I have none of those qualities in me. I told her all my qualities before marriage except that past relationship. Who will marry me after knowing am a second hand? Sometimes she says - it was not your fault, i feel sorry for you. Someitmes she says - That is why previous girl left you, that is why I never wanted to marry a person who was in love before. She says its not your mistake, I should not blame you. But you have done this with her havent you? . everythign you do ...if somebody asks you for every romantic gesture of yours - you have done with sombody else dint you? i dont want that.

please excuse me, i just want to tell everythign in mind to somebody thats all. Sorry all, i cant tell this to anyone in real life. Just want to write everythign in mind thats all, sometimes it is helping to write and sometimes it is not.
Click to expand...

Hi arrangem, i seem to have offended you, that was not my intention, my intention was to bring you of your circle of sorrow that you seemed to be stuck in, so you can take some action and move forward in life instead of going round in circles over the problem. I am sorry if my words were harsh and hurt you.

I can feel the pain you are in by your words above, you are trying so hard to understand your wife, her wishes and how you can make her happy. . After reading stories of some not-so-good husbands on this forum, I think you are a great husband, I only wish your wife understands this sooner rather than later. Sorry I do not have any wisdom to share as to how you can bring that about - I am simply at a loss to suggest anything, other than accept her as is, my opinion for what its worth she's not going to change anytime soon (she's had 25+ years to build her current character+thoughts, its going to take another 25+ years for her to evolve and change her thoughts). Wish there were more such great husbands like you around, if you ever divorce your wife give me a call...just joking!!!

yesican, Aug 23, 2012

yesican, Aug 23, 2012

#46
Aug 24, 2012 #47

ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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initially I got angry. but as i went into writing I totally forgot about it. i understood your post

Thank You all.

ArrangedM, Aug 24, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 24, 2012

#47
Aug 24, 2012 #48

Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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Everyone has a threshold before they snap. I guess you are standing right above it. Your wife needs to know that. All this, accept as they are and love unconditionally never works with partners. I mean, excuse me, we are humans and we are supposed to have expectations and stuff.
If I want to be kinky tonight, I better have a responsive partner in bed than a servant who would do what I want. I need someone to explore with me. An organic natural flow should be in place.

Well so you were a playboy in your past and not a ram as she expected. I hope you are not that anymore ) if So, well what can she do now. Either live with you or separate. that's all is there. Dragging her feet and making you life in hell every minute is just torture.

This needs to be put it out in the table which means you both need to talk. Communication is a must to get things out in the open.

Start with asking her what is that she wants to do for the next N number of years?. Doesn't she have any expectations in life anymore? Put her in a spot that if you love this imperfect husband, shouldn't you do it in the right way, since you are perfect ;-)

Nandshyam, Aug 24, 2012

Nandshyam, Aug 24, 2012

#48

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Aug 24, 2012 #49

mommybird Gold IL'ite

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Thank god Nandhu said it. I thought I was the only bad girl thinking in these lines.

Accept the situation gracefully and live..if not move out. I don't appreciate this passive aggressive behaviour in humans. Gets to me.

mommybird, Aug 24, 2012

mommybird, Aug 24, 2012

#49
Aug 24, 2012 #50

ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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Nandshyam said: ↑

If I want to be kinky tonight, I better have a responsive partner in bed than a servant who would do what I want. I need someone to explore with me. An organic natural flow should be in place.

Start with asking her what is that she wants to do for the next N number of years?. Doesn't she have any expectations in life anymore? Put her in a spot that if you love this imperfect husband, shouldn't you do it in the right way, since you are perfect ;-)
Click to expand...

You got it right. Thanks.

I asked her - what does she want. How will she want us to be in 5 yrs down the line if we are gogin at this rate now. what are we gogin to do about it? her answer is 'i dont know. life will go on' - though her answer is pathetic, her face when she tells that is really sorry, you cannot miss the sorrow in that face. very deep.

ArrangedM, Aug 24, 2012

ArrangedM, Aug 24, 2012

#50

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