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Help - Need Ideas To Rekindle The Marital Relationship

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Feb 5, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Hi friends,

    Though we have had a roller coaster type of marriage for the past decade, we managed to stick together during all the time. The bond was so special, that we loved each other so much despite of so many differences.
    However, things started to improve in the past few years, and finally after cutting all the ties with PILs in late 2018, our marriage started blossoming.
    The fights and random arguments (mostly caused by PILs interference) have come to end, and there were so many happy memories that we managed to create in the family.
    Last year, we traveled a lot, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, and parties.... visited friends, and entertained ourselves a lot at home.
    Though H felt a little low initially for leaving PILs, he came to terms with his decision. Later he alone maintained a very low profile relationship with them and handled it carefully so that their nonsense wouldn't disturb our family.

    However, everything changed upside down in the past few months.
    With the Leukemia diagnosis of my niece (5 yr old DD of my brother), the entire family became very fragile.
    The stress and unhappiness from my brother's home is simply passed to our home.
    It has affected me psychologically from deep down. I fear a lot about Leukemia and specially everything about my kids now a days.
    Any lumps, any bruises, any fever, any joint pain etc..etc.. reminds me of leukemia, and the early symptoms of my niece which we took lightly back then.
    I communicated my stresses to my mom and H, but both brushed off it as if i worry too much. So, now a days I suffer silently.

    I know these symptoms are common, and any child could show up such symptoms every now and then.
    But my monkey mind starts worrying unnecessarily.
    Now a days, I find solace with prayers, and somewhat manage to cope with it.

    However, the stress comes out differently and often create rifts between me and my spouse.
    To top it up, we are renovating our home currently. The actual cost is very much exceeding the estimates, so I worry a lot about allocating money for the works.

    On the other hand, my elder son is sitting for a national examination - which is very competitive. Usually parents coach their kids a lot, but unfortunately due to work and long commute I could help a little only.
    My 9 yr old son is still being kiddish, and doesn't show any interest or responsibility to study or follow my instructions. So, I have almost given up my hopes on him for this competition.
    Looking at his peers, and how hard they are trying, and how much their parents are supportive, I feel kinda lost.
    My son is very talented, and he could have been molded so well had I gotten the luxury to stay at home or teach him. Now, everything seems so messy.

    Besides, our servant maid has left us. We are so unfortunate to find a good replacement. Therefore, my mom suffers a lot, and it stresses me so much that how on earth I could leave my home & kids in the hands of a 71 yr old woman?

    My H acts like a stranger with all the above matters. He doesn't show any empathy. No attempts to support or at least console me with some positive words.
    He rather stresses me further with unwanted plans related to house renovations.

    I easily get irritated whenever he suggests things that are not practical or cost effective.
    He also gets irritated whenever I complain of the problems, and criticizes my lack of planning.
    I started nagging a lot, and specially nagging for his lack of empathy & help.
    This stimulates his insecurity and he often leaves the home to avoid further fighting. I go mad if he chose to cut the discussion half way through, and just move away.

    Last 2-3 weeks were horrible, that we often fought for nothing. Even our kids have started noticing the difference and worried.

    We sat down for a heart to heart discussion last night & I was ready to let go of EVERYTHING!
    But I didn't hear any words from him throughout. He just simply listened to me, but neither accepted his faults, nor agreed for a solution.
    That itself made me go mad, because this is how he often silently ignore all my concerns.

    Due to the stress, I started having acid reflux, and lot of other issues like headache, loss of appetite, sleep deprivation etc...

    I feel mad at my H whenever he is around at home. But the moment we are separated (at work), the guilt takes me over, and I feel lost.

    I want to be a good & loving wife to him. I want to give him a peaceful home because he has left everyone to be with me.
    He has lots of personal struggles, mainly with his career & health too (has diabetes, BP etc at 40 yrs)
    But at the same time, I think it is too much for me to bear all the burden at the same time, that too without any support.
    I feel like a suicide bomber, who is ready to explode!!!

    I need to rekindle the marital relationship.
    All the problems (stress, construction, maid, kid's studies etc..etc...) will get resolved on its own. We have faced a lot more serious problems in the past, so these matters are just peanuts only.
    But why am I stressing myself and everyone around me so much like this?

    How can I bring a closure to this ugly cycle of problems between me and my spouse?

    I feel bad, because we didn't fight like this when we had loads of other problems going on life in the past. Now that we have a safe journey. Everything progress so well in life, yet let these simple problems take over our happiness.

    Kindly help me
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2020
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  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Two problems which need your attention to resolve the rest
    1. Brothers Dd problem
    2. Dh not responding

    Correct me if I am wrong, you still grieve about your brother's daughter leukemia, it's affecting you deep down. You have not come out of that.. What if this happens to anyone in my place, what if.... Had caused the chaos you're in right now.

    Plan a trip for a couple of days anythi g religious, romantic or whatever suits you both, a small change of place will calm your mind and heart. Do contemplate about the happenings and both of you talk. Ask him to vent out if there is something going on with him, you seem to be straight forward person who speaks her heart but your h must break the ice by talking so that he can free himself.

    If he talks most of your problems are solved, so look for solution to make him talk anything. As he begins to unleash you both will come to same page and from there take it forward by segmenting each problem and analysing the best possible solution you can find.

    You can sail thru..
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Hi
    Yes... I am yet to be freed from the shock of my niece's illness and it has broken me into pieces from deep down.
    I need to find a way to deal with it.

    My H is on the other hand causing enormous problemso without even knowing what he is doing.
    He is such a clumsy person who doesn't plan anything. His financial management is extremely poor that eventually makes him a loser in life.
    Despite of earning almost 6 digital salary in most of his work places in the past 15 yrs, this man owns nothing.
    Can u imagine... he doesn't have ano investment or saving or any assets.
    He doesn't even spend on household expenses or child care.
    Doesn't actively support his parents.
    Doesn't have drinking or smoking habit, neither have partying friends.

    He wastes his money just like that bcz he doesn't focus, doesn't plan & doesn't listen to his well wishers.

    Now that we are spending on house renovation that is eating a lot of money.
    Without even knowing the cash in hand or estimate, my H plans things lavishly. He makes the contractor spends on extra and forces me to pay.

    Whenever I try to limit the contractor, he meets them separately and advices them not to listen to me. He apparently told them the house is built by him so the contractor should consult & do things according to what he orders.
    I came to know about this just now, and felt really upset.

    I am afraid bcz the contractor may get confused and run away.
    Besides, with the additional expenses like this I may not be able to complete this construction.

    What can I do?
    How to make him understand that I can't spend on any additional luxurious matters that are not in the plan, bcz my finances are limited.
    I've told this to him so many times but he doesn't seem to be getting it.

    6 yrs back when we started this construction, he disturbed exactly like this. I was full term pregnant by then and couldn't cope with this kind of stress.
    I ran short of money when nearly 40% of the construction were yet to be finished.
    So I had to stop it and move in to a half done home.

    I didn't want to start building the home bcz of the fear and frustration my H has innocently caused me last time. So waited this long to save enough money, so that I could also accommodate his requirements.

    But he is going overboard and a little too much without bothering anything about finances.
    Perhaps he expects me to begin from my siblings or use up my FDs which I have kept for my kids or for my future in the latter days.
    He blindly hope that, if the expenses are high automatically I would end up using those savings.
    All he wants was a super luxurious home...
    How selfish it can be?


    Vent over
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV,

    before you rekindle the relationship, you have to resolve the major issues.
    For now, your brother's DD's sickness, is not in your control. I am sure they are working with good doctors and taking care of the kid. There might not be anything more that you can do other than support the family emotionally, and if available with some money. More than money they might need the emotional support and that feeling of "someone being there" for them.

    With your husband, as long as the construction is going on beyond your expenses, you will have a problem with your husband. It is not going to resolve on its on. Either you give in to his ideas of construction and fund it (will you have to find extra funds?) or come up with an idea to make him compromise so that he gets something of what he wants and you get something that you want. Both sides needs to compromise. Whatever you decide, a good way to start control is use one ban account and put the money for the estimated amount in it, with may be 10% overhead no more no less. And until the construction is over you shouldnt give any more money and you will have to be firm. IMO, unless this thing gets resolved it is going to affect your marriage, or it already is.

    It is not clear if he is working or not. If he is can he use his money and save all of your money?

    I wonder what his answer/concern about the future expenses.

    Now, looking from the your husband's side, do you think he is taking the emotional stress into this construction process? Like, I cook when I am stressed and keep cooking until I am tired. So may be he is stressed because of the strained relationship with his parents or job or something and he is finding an outlet by this construction shenanigan.

    Construction/house hunting is always a stressful situation on the family. If both of you are not on the same boat, it is not going to be fun.
     
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Then he should be the one to pay. Why ask you.
    Your husband seems to be childish and manipulative at the same time.
    Making you spend all your kids savings :weary:
     
  7. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    You just poured all that you had, now find the answer for those questions. From your vent it looks like he is a tea-totaller, so where does he spend all his income, what is his financial statements say.
    Don't spend any of your savings, you will need when the situation is demanding in future.
    Your problem following your niece is,
    Husbands poor financial management so address that by making him plan the finances, for example just ask him to draw a budget for this 2020, see where you stand involve him in all financial aspects, always you either carry the burden or share the burden not keep all the burden with ourselves.
    Financials need to sorted, so half of yoir problem will be doing down..
    I always believe that for every problem in life the solution lies at the beginning point from where it all started, so house remodeling let us say it started in yoir case, then ask your husband to do the budgeting moving forward and it has to go thru you as well, instruct the contracter. Let your husband be the decision maker but the decision final approval must be made by both of you..
     
  8. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    There is no way he cannot bother about finance because its your home us and not his home, so all those childishness apart, ask him what's really bothering that he behaves this way.
    You told your ir side of the story, find out his.. What's really really troubling him to inflict this much pain in this relationship and what does it give him in return. Savings also by the way again goes to yoir kids so you earn invest in yoir family, grow your family. Ultimately you do everything for that family what's that he can't understand in this.
     
  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Only way out is to let the contractor know in the presence of your husband that you have money only to do so much. Anything extra will not be getting funds from you. Be patient in that avoid arguments. But be firm in your stand.

    Part of the problem is easy funds available to break in the form of FDs. FDs are not ideal saving instruments for long term. In India, kids' education, retirement etc have long term plans that cannot be broken before 10-15 years or before the investor turns 60. FDs are easy to break. Hence don't keep long-term stuff in FDs.

    Also, you have no valid reason to listen to your husband regarding budgeting for any project. He can't plan his finances even so much to support his home. He needs to wake to this harsh reality before he pushes your family into financial trouble.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2020
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    The problem in a nutshell is his irresponsibility.
    He doesn't bother about our kids education or future or any medical emergencies or retirement. He just simply live for the moment.
    Doesn't even think from where the money will come.

    7 yrs back when we started this construction process, we decided a budget.
    Made agreement with contractor accordingly.
    I was pregnant then, so didn't spend much time on the site.
    After a point, I noticed that there were alterations and the project is exceeding from what we planned. The budget was over when the construction was only 60% done.

    He knew that we didn't have money, even then he didn't bother.
    He simply don't think anything before doing...
    He has become like a 5 yrs old kid who blindly demands things without knowing or thinking what the family could afford. He is like that.

    The issue is, if it is a kid we have some control over the kids. No one would listen to his requests rather consult with the parents before giving it.
    In my H'so case he is out of control. Being a male in our society he has it all.
    When he instruct the contractor or mason or anyone, they would simply respect him and listen as a man of the family. They won't double check with me or wait for my approval.

    He even goes to them and say his wife is not technically sound to make decisions on construction matters, so they shouldn't listen to her.
    That's why whenever I instruct the contractor on financial matters, he takes them lightly.

    I could openly tell them that I am the one who does all the spending, so I should be consulted and make final decision.
    When I made subtle remarks as such, my H got furious and made me feel guilty for commenting that way.
    It was an emotional trap that you can't do anything.

    Also looking at how he behaved before a 3rd person, I felt very bad. He wanted to project as if I am an arrogant woman who doesn't respect her husband. It sucks.

    No point of explaining anything again as I've done that so many times before.

    All I could do is to bring the contractor and him in person and lay my conditions clearly for both.
    If he still troubles, either the contractor will leave or we will have an ugly fight very soon.
     

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