Help me

hi,

I had a close cousin whose hubby didn't want to have a child for the first year since he believed that they shud have a good understanding between them before having a child. and for this reason, he bluntly told her that he don't know how to do it and just kept postponing it for a year... but then they have a normal life until today and have a son too..hope this info helps u..

may be he is right that u r shy and he wants to take it slowly..its kind of unbelievable but can't rule out that possibility completely. so lets be positive and hope that things r going to be normal between u soon..

cheer up..

 

Viv, I think you found the solution based on your previous post and you seemed to be very comfortable. Give him some more time let him complete the last part of his studies. I would say plan and go for a very good vacation it will give you more time to relax and not think about anything else.You guys seems to be a very happy couple which is nice to hear. Stop being shy, you people are married for more than a year so no point in being shy. Regarding intimacy I think you are matured enough and know what to do or the internet itself has enough stuff to get knowledge from.Hope things will sort out soon. Good luck.

 

Viv,

I could not stop myself from commenting again for the only fact that this is just sooooooooooo similar to my situation except for the **** matter.

Sometimes when we overthink/are upset/frustrated with our situation we tend to see only the negatives & I believe that is what has happened to with with your very first post. And after reading the replies you might have put more thoughts in a different angle to the situation and hence have come out with the positives about ur H!!! This is my understanding & it happened to me too.

To give you a gist I can say my H is the sweetest H I can ever ask for except for the intimacy thing & few trivial ILs prob. But with time & aging of marriage that has gradually started to change. So I guess it is not too uncommon among guys. Don't know if it is correct but just my thinking. I was initially too frustrated but then gave him time & went on his way and tried to change him. To the outsiders we seem to be the most happy couple which is not the fact. Now even though we are not a very romantic couple we atleast have started having intimacy fairly regularly.

So don't worry & Wish you Good Luck girl!!!

 

Viv, though initial years of mge were intimate, after having a baby even I nd DH dint have *** for more than a year. He is busy, works from 5am-7pm, tired wen home nd I m busy cookin n cleanin after he s home nd takes care of our LO. So work does effect *** life but try to get some couple time on weekends or take a vacation. Just coz u both weren't intimate we can't draw a conclusion tat he may not be straight. I only think it's coz of a Busy schedule. Now tat u guys r settled, I guess u start afresh as if u r married just a mont back nd initially it's common o be shy. Don't over think this matter, if even after few month of settling in nothin happens u shud give it a thought. I guess u said its been just a month since u settled well.

 

This looks very tricky ! It appears that you also are a very shy person .You have waited this long , give it a couple of more months now that things seem to be going in the right direction.Hang in there !

 

Here are my thoughts

1. Is your husband from all boys school or it was Co-Ed? If he was in all boys school, maybe he is shy because of that because he may not have interacted much with girls in his life. If he was in co-ed school and he is shy, may be he never had any female friends in schools or he never had the courage to talk to girls. Hence he is shy.

But here lies the problem, you are also shy and he is also shy. Who will take the lead in love making? Traditionally it has been the DH and according to you he is shy, so may be you should take it.

2. Since you found out that he is into gay ****, you are having thoughts about DH - if he is gay or no. Well I would say I am 50-50 on this one. Men women mostly go for straight sex ****. He maybe bi-curious or just wanted to see how gay **** is like. Again if he has been schooled in all boys school, he has more affinity to boys than girls. I am not saying that boys who have been in all boys schools are gay

3. It will be a good idea to sit with him and communicate and sort this thing out. If he is just bi-curious, then I think there is no problem. But just kissing, cuddling and not going the distance - I am not sure whats happening there. Maybe he don't feel confident going all the way or he is nervous since it maybe his first time and yours too. So both of you are nervous. In this case I would suggest you and him watch some instructional videos. You will get an idea how to proceed.

4. Talk to a Psychiatrist or doctor. DH maybe open to him/her than he is open to you. Then you will have a clear idea whats going on.

I just hope the signs of him staying away from you and not going the distance is just work or stress related and there is nothing serious. If he is gay, then you may have to seriously think about your married life

 

OP:

This is not advise based on experience, but I am appalled by some of the suggestions posted here.

To be very frank, just because he watched gay **** does not make him gay, 50% gay or even bi-curious. Again: you have just mentioned that you caught him watching gay ****, but were there other categories too? Even an ordinary video hosting site has all these related videos on either side and it's very easy to get side tracked and watch everything that catches your eye.

Secondly, it is not "abnormal" for a "heterosexual" man to stay away from sex for a long period of time. Your post answers your own question: he was finishing his PhD and had lots of financial/ career issues on hold. Sex is the last thing one would think about with all of those going on.

Your post again mentions how his intimacy has gradually increased, doesn't matter if its touching or cuddling.. He is getting there.

At just over a year, your marriage is still young. His career is still young. Give it time, and I would suggest you to relax and not read too much into his actions (for now). It is too soon to wonder if he is gay just because he watched gay **** by not taking his situation and other actions into consideration.

 

I think some people who post here don't read the OP's thread clearly and the replies that the OP makes to the posts. It will be really helpful if someone giving advice reads all the posts and then replies.

Viv - I think you should sit and have 1 on 1 with DH and sort this thing out. Maybe take help of doctor or Psychiatrist. I think take help of third party because he might not open up with you so soon. You are just 1 year into your marriage.

But you can take the best decision based on your day to day interaction with him if you need doctor's help or you can sort this yourself. I just hope you have an excellent married life

 

Dear Viv97

Yes it is pretty unnatural not to have physical intimacy for around one year.
But in my opinion ,if your husband watches gay **** in addition to the regular **** does not make him gay.
Even coining him as bicurious is a bit more than what it calls for for there are many people who are just plain curious by nature.

Rather than jumping to conclusions and worrying yourself with his being gay conisder the following possiblities

1. Tendency of getting stressed is different with different people.
That his behavior changed after you moved in seems like an expression of anxiety which is normal.
I feel that your husband reacts easily to situations.
That he is doing his PhD in US(an academically tough job that too on a minimal stipend and got married in the same situation,without a job followed by his wife moving in with him might have freaked him out.
I mean he was already in tough situation and then he got married which is no joke.
While most guys can handle such situations may be your husband is a bit oversensitive type who has been into academics all his life and suddenly situation changed for him.

2. Yours was an arranged marriage.
Breaking the ice and taking it to the level of physical intimacy might have been difficult for your husband.
May be he is also shy by nature .In addition you are also shy so he might have never picked up the guts.
Believe me men also get jitters for performing and satisfying their wives.
There is something called performance anxiety .Google about it.

3. May be he wants you to show interest.Fear of rejection might be stopping him.
Men like the women who get fully involved in the act rather than the ones who act passively.
May I suggest ,whenever he starts the foreplay now ask him not to stop and take him further.
Will help.


Be a bit patient,take interest,free your mind of unnecessary fears ,try to understand his personality communicate your feelings effectively and your life will take a positive turn.

Good luck!

 

Some things i can give benefit of doubt. Some i dont see a point why they should be given any benefit of doubt - when the facts are sreaming....to be heard.

First - do some base owrk Viv.

Are the videos downloaded (on the machine?) or did you mean just the site history? If it is site history - then i would ignore saying 'curios'. Form what you write - i see that those videos are downloaded. shd tell you something.

Know this: It was in zamana that we downloaded videos, these days - we have them on websites itself streaming. there is no need to download and most of them would not download them for the fear of virus, when they are available to view on website.

If vides are downloaded - can you pelase check the date - Right click -> Properties -> created date. That would tell you somethign too.

I know somebody - about an year ago - he was not iterested in girls. I told him what i would do. Poor guy he was scared to go to India - for his parents would convice him for marriegae. He dint want to go...but he had to go. No idea what happened next.

Docs cant tell orientation - no one way to find that there's once crude way i thin- I am not 100% sure so my idea cannot be relied upon. Seriosly.
Try watching straight ...nobetter ...lesbo **** or or just girl solo ****....... together....and watch for any changes in his body. I am sorry folks for the idea., tried my best to be decent. I doint want Viv to keep waiting forever. So i had to write. You can try watching gay **** together too just tell you are curios n watch for changes.

And you can talk abotu people orientation to your partner ...what diff kidns of orientation can exist n what goes on with them - not in offensive ...talk with compassion - chances are he would open a bit maybe not about himself but he might give you hints.

And lastly - what the heck yaar. Ask him on face. Dont be rude - I have seen how bad they feel, the mental turmoil they go through ith in themselves every minute. Be his frend. Tell him.

Hey I am a human being - i have desires. We cannot go on like this forevr. I have some facts, please confirm my doubts. I dont find anythign wrong, and i would not divulge this to anybody promise him that. Just tell me - are you? or are you not? . If you are - i will be your best frend, we cn think of n tell some other reaosn to take divorce on n go on our ways..n you can still be in touch with me talk to me. I wont tell this to anybody. If you are not - we shoudl think of ways in getting to the bototm of it.

Blame it on indian society, male stereotyping, parental force. I hope you dont wait forever givinng benefitsss of doubt Viv.