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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by viv97, Mar 2, 2012.

  1. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Thanks ingr. U have no idea how happy i'm to read ur lines. I just want us to be normal, happy couples with good kids. That is all i'm asking for.
     
  2. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    @viv97,

    well as ingr has been in that position earlier it makes sense to listen to her advice.

    Hopefully most of us are wrong and in some time we hear from u again with a diff prob like "help: is it normal for a man to have sex so many times in a day?"

    @ingr
    may god bless you with a healthy progeny and you enjoy this journey immensly.

    Take care
    chow
     
  3. zainabsarfraz

    zainabsarfraz Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Viv97,

    I really donno wat to say to you dear...im feeling sorry for you and at the sme time getting angry y u r tolerating this. PLEASE speak up to ur husband!!! ask him to share his plans about ur married life.

    Now see when the situation is like this you can no more be shy as this will badly affect your married life..when you are not getting what you actually are supposed to get naturally then you have to work hard to get it. try to dress up sexually like wearing some nice silky nightgowns for him, cook his fav food, start cuddling him and moan when he kisses you so that he gets activated whisper in his ears some sweetnothings tel him how much you crave for him and if he is interested in porns sit with him and watch them even if u dont want to and while watching slowly start touching him and he will arouse... Moaning helps a lot in this try it dear :) All the best
     
  4. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I would suggest you to take him to the doctor with out holding back.. I feel this behavior is abnormal..Straight Men don't watch gay ****..it is already 1.5yrs and still there is no *** life.Ask him to do immediately..
     
  5. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    " I come from orthodx family and eldest child of my parents. "


    "As soon as I landed in US my hubby's mood took a full 360 degree turn as he changed from a normal and smiling person to rude and insensitive person. "
    He might have suspected/ been attracted to men in past, being from indian middle class family (my assumption) might hav tried to suppress, might have thought will change after marriage, when this didnt happen (him being attracted to woman, you) he acted rude. With his parents, family around in India he did not dare act rude as family would have commented.


    "Then I asked him why he was doing so he said he was feeling home sick and thats why he acted so strange and even apologised to me."
    He's lived in US away from family and India prior to your marriage for his PHD, how homesick could he be? Plus for heterosexual men the sexual interest is quite high in the early stages of marriage (specially with no parents around in US)


    But what frightens me is he was watching gay pron.

    I read in internet a lot about gays and their behaviour. He does not act like any of them but he never had sex with me.
    How do you think gay men act/behave? They do not have any special ways of behaving. Unlike popular indian movies culture, not all gay men are effiminate, acting like woman shy types. Some gay men are extremely "manly" in physique, ta;ll well built etc. with lots of testorene (they might act s the "man" partner to the "woman" man in the gay partnership. What behaviour did you notice from him that makes you sure he is not gay?

    when I asked he said he said he does not watch gay ****, only regular ****. But When I coonfront that fact saying you have gay **** videos stored everywhere he says all kinds of **** videos are catered by the same site and only after downloading one will know what kind of **** it is.
    Wrong, you can see the video to understand whether it is gay or heterosexual ****. I see him giving red flags after red flags, danger signals, based on all his excuses. "I watch ****, not gay ****" - excuse 1, he can easily see what is regular vs gay ****. Excuse 2 - i dont want kids as i I am student and poor" - didnt he think before marriage that he is student and cant afford kids so why marry now? he just ahd to wait a year to finish study and get job. My suspicion is his family knew of his"probability of gayness" and hence forced him into marriage saying after marriage he will be attracted to woman etc.

    Althought I trust him now there is always this worry at the back of my mind.


    When asked why he never had sex with me he stated that he is in his last leg of this phd and not in any state of mind to have sex.
    Excuses - didnt he think of this when he got married? he just had to wait another year for him to get job, 6-9 months prior to job his family could have started looking at girls, the process takes some time, with a 3-4 month engagement he could have gotten married right before his new job.

    I actaully had to agree with him coz he used to work long hours and was very busy in his lab too. He used to come only late.
    As tashidelek said, I would be very suspicious of his late nights, in the US gay sex is quite easily available through internet forums etc, as there is less taboo

    And another reason he gave me was financial insecurity. We both dont have jobs and living on stipend. So getting pregnant is an insane thing to do as well. I 100% accept what he say too.
    You seem to be a very sweet girl, highly intelligent. Like a lot of wives, in the initial stages of marriage we beleive everything our husbands say, as we are so in love with them. Gradually as the first few years go by we realize when they are telling truth when they make excuses. You thought pattern that you have laid out here shows your highly intelligent mind has picked up the clues that tell you there is a major chance he might be gay. Yet you want to beleive his insane stupid excuses for every issue you raise/have noticed - for any woman, specially one coming from traditional indian background like yours, it is horrendous frightening to think the man you love, whom u have trusted and married for the rest of your life, might be gay. Your rational part of mind has subconsciously picked the clues to his real nature, the emotional part of your nature grasps any hope tht he might be heterosexual. This is a normal reaction.



    Now we are settled and he got his first month salary and we dont see any issues. He did not have sex yet but started imitating which I think u guys call it as foreplay.
    Foreplay - kissing touching hugging etc the partner in effort to arouse her to prepare for..., is this what he is doing? or is it masturbation? as a virgin you are sexually inexperienced so look it up on the net

    What concerns me is that I have read in so many articles/blogs that men cannot go on without sex for a long time (in my case almost an year). Even if they are not planning for kids they would use condoms to satisfy the desire. Is my husband's behavious unusual?

    But just wanted to tell u guys that he is a person with lot of will power and self control.
    See you are picking up his behavior and then making up excuses for him in your mind. Your hubby senses this and then makes up stupid excuses like busy and PHD , no money, not attracted to you as you are shy (what did he expect? sombody like hindi movie item dancer as wife when you come from orthodox indian background as a virgin, how much knowledge will u have??) becasue he senses ur mind is making up excuses for his behavior, you will fall for any type of excuse from him.

    I just need to know if whatever has happened is fine and I dont have anything to worry about?

    Based on what you ahve written, in my opinion there is high probability he might be gay. I am not sure how u can confirm 100% he is gay, unless he imself says so, no doctor can confirm so, a psychiatrist might offer his opinion he might be gay, but ur hubby will never go to psychiatrist as he knows he might be found out.

    Going fwd, u have 2 options: close ur mind, eyes, and go forward in this marriage, ur hubby might force himself to have sex with u, it might be very less sex and love and emotions in marriage, no real emotion in marriage, going on like this for next 40-50 years. As you are in SF area with good acceptance of LGBT community, your hub might secretly have sex with gay men (if he is indeed gay). Please have safe sex in future, dont put yourself at risk.

    I DONT SEE DIVORCE AS AN OPTION AS YOU ARE FROM ORTHODOX BACKGOUND, ASSUMING HE TOO IS, HIM N HIS FAMILY CAN RARELY OPENLY ACCEPT HE MIGHT BE GAY.

    OPTION 2: He might not be gay, might have low testoreone/erectile dysfunction/embarassed of the condition, hence might have helld off sex. But then why watch gay ****, why not regular ****. Its the gay **** that strikes me, the rest is just excuses (didnt know it was gay ****, studies, money etc.)

    I am so sorry i cannot help you further with a solution, may god bless you and give you happiness and success!
     
  6. jogu07

    jogu07 Gold IL'ite

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    Hey Viv,


    Its surprising to know that you people have been married for more than a year and yet no ***life....I mean, its kinda strange....Anyways, comin to your problem, wanted to ask you if you have tried seducing him, in the sense that wear clothers which would arouse him or do things which would arouse him...???

    If not, pls try it....This will surely make things clear for you, cause a normal heterosexual will not be able to resist....I understand that you are a shy person and this might be difficult for you, but you gotta try dear...

    Also, let me tell you, being heterosexual - watching gay **** is not natural at all....Whether you may like it or no(from your post) it is kinda difficult to give your H a benefit of doubt that he might not be gay/bisexual....!!!

    Hope this works/helps for u...!!! Good Luck and God Bless..!!!
     
  7. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have only one option here. Wait for some more time and see whether he is really doing the action..!! Since not he has joined the job and has started earning, and your foreplay have started...give him sometime to happen.. you never know, he might be a shy person as well.. So lets not jump into conclusions and wait for another one month or so and if he still did not show any improvement, blurt it out frankly...!!

    If he expects you to some thing from your side, ask him to be frank about what he expects..!! Good luck and hope things work out for you..!!
     
  8. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi viv97
    when I read your post I knew I had to respond. I have had experiences when my husband was watching **** he was not interested in me. I thought it was very normal for guys to watch **** and I am absolutely OK with it as long as it does not affect your marriage life. he watched **** for 1 month and did not show any interest towards me in that period. after that I started fighting with hime to stop this habit. now he does not watch **** that much and there has been been some changes in his behaviour. some men watch **** to enhance their sex life wheras othrs in cases like me watch **** to destroy their sex life. you should discourage your husband from watching ****. atleast it will solve some part of your problem.
     
  9. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Hello yesicamn,

    Thanks for the response.

    I would like to explain few more lingering doubts here.

    1. I dont know why i mentioned in my post about his mood swing after coming to US. He was insensitive but that lasted only for a week. After that we visited his sister's place and he seemed bit ok and after a week he was back to his normal self. I did some self analysis on why mentioned this. Its mainly becoz i was home sick too and longing for his love n affection which I did not get. That coupled my worries. Even if he was rude he still did things to me like 1. He never allowed me to go out in the cold and do any stuff (It was peak winter when i landed here). 2. He took care of the food/cooking for a couple of days 3. Did not go to his lab or any other place without me thinking i would feel alone for almost a week. etc. Those are indeed positive signs. After couple of weeks he was back to his normal self. He never behaved like that again. So the issue rest there. Time for me to move on. Sorry, if I mislead u guys. No..I'm not pacifying myself :) :)


    Secondly, I agree all men have high interest in sex. But, but research proves that when a person is under intense pressure he cant have sex. When we came here, we had lot of things to worry abt. Money..as how are we gonna manage in stifend. Job..which is becomign incresingly diff to get one is US. and studies...I have to mention that his thesis was going haywire at some point and he was all for giving up. But few things clicked after several trials and attemps and he was able to pull it off greatly. His boss was constantly pressuring him too all the time to complete his thesis. Given the state of affairs I dont think anyone wud have REGULAR sex.

    Regarding **** matter, after he was caught and he apologised..he never ever watched **** again. I do keep track of his lappy, mobile and have installed softwares that wud sho any activity on the comp. So far did not see anything like that.
    Well whatever have been written will arise 2 ques for sure. Why the hell u married him? What your porb if u understand his situation so well.?

    Well, ours is an arranged marriage with astro match making we go by the stars as when to get married. A per the prediction that was the apt time to get married. Both families are into it. My hubby cud not do anything abt it. Neither can I.

    Then what the hell is my prob? I thought he would come staright for me as soon as he got a job. But that did not happen. But there is some change in behavious. As I already quoted he is being more active now.
    Many of you told me to wear sexy dresses. I did wear one and all I can say is he was taking full advantage of it but never crossed the line. Thats what worries me. I see ther is a prob but dont know what it is. I am quite shy and in many ways he is shy too. May be we both dont know how to go on abt this...

    For now I have decided to wait and give him sometime rather than pressuirze him.
     
  10. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Thanks to may others who read my post with patience and replied back. I'm very much obliged and wud consider each n every suggestion seriously.

    More suggestions are welcome.

    Thanks all once again.
     

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