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Help me to forget my first love!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DrPepper, May 25, 2010.

  1. DrPepper

    DrPepper New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    This is my first post on IL forum and hope I get your valuable suggestion from exp ladies out there.

    I have been married for 4 yrs and have a 2 yr old. Mine is an arranged marriage. Prior to marriage when I was working in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region> one of my office colleague was madly in love with me. Initially when he proposed me I did not like him …but later I started liking him ( he was 2 yrs younger to me) I was pretty confused and scared about my love as my family was totally against this love marriage concept and top of that my sister had love marriage and my parents were broke during that time and I knew they will be more hurt if I let my parents know about my affair. Also my dad has some heart problem so did not revel about my love. Then I blindly agreed for the guy whom my parents choose . After my marriage was fixed I tried to be far from my guy and told him the reason of me getting married. He was very unhappy with my decision and created some trouble on my marriage day giving curses that I will never be happy and nobody can love me like him…and I will be unfortunate to dump a person like him for which I was really hurt and feeble.

    I moved to US to join my hubby in a month . And after my marriage I was never in contact with him or his friends . And also he was not in contact with me anymore. The last I saw him was at my wedding. But all these four years I keep thinking about him a lot. There have not been one single day that I have not thought about him.
    Also my marriage life is not great as I have some problem with in-laws and my DH is totally a mama’s boy….so with all these issues I feel all his curses are hitting me very badly and made a mistake of betraying him.

    Recently I saw him on the face book that he is happily married to some nice girl…..and was happy for him that he has moved on in his life…but I felt too for cheating on him. I want to apologise to him….but I feel that will again creep into more troubles ..where I don’t want to disturb his married life.

    He is always in my thoughts…which I know it’s very wrong to think about him when I have husband and a lovely kid … I love my DH and my LO very much …but why is this guy always coming into my thoughts…sometimes I hate about myself to think about him…and pray to god not to think about him...and deviate my mind on something else…

    Whenever I listen to nice old songs either in my car or on ipod.. all my old days comes back to me ….I feel so sad when I get his thoughts… Also I just can't stop thinking about him as what he is doing now etc...And sometimes I get the feeling that I may meet him one fine day.

    Please ladies tell me how to forget my first love and lead a normal life….I somehow could not get out of this thought for all these years. I know thinking about him is cheap...
    I just want to stop this crap and concentrate on my work at home and office and my on my DS.

    Anybody in same boat like me where you still could not forget your first love?

    Thanks
    DrPepper.
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Let's see, you gave up the first guy for your parents, their big ego against love marriages, and all that other social crap. You made your choice, now just deal with it and move on! Obviously you didn't love this guy as much as you thought you did, else you would not have left him.

    So stop dwelling on the past, because really, there is not as much good stuff there as you think. If there was, you would be with him today. Your relationship with that other guy was just not meant to be. You are way too much concerned with society and your parents to have ever made that relationship work. So relax and accept that your fate was to be with your dh and kid, because that is what you chose. And who knows... had you gotten married to the first guy, there is no guarantee that your marriage with him would have been better or happier than the one you've got now! So no point thinking over and over 'what if'.

    But one thing I just HAVE to say...

    You are accusing your dh of being a momma's boy???? HELLO! You are the one who broke your first relationship because of your parents! Just as he is a momma's boy, you are a momma's girl! There's one thing in common with people who go for arranged marriage.... both bride and groom are highly committed to following parent's wishes. So, you can't opt for an arranged marriage and then expect your dh to be an independent Romeo willing to trail blaze his own path without parents "guidance". If that's what you wanted, then you probably should have picked the first guy! Too late now. Count your blessings and forget the past. If your relationship with your dh is lacking, spruce it up and build the love. Make the best of the life you've got!
     
  3. Pavithra55

    Pavithra55 Gold IL'ite

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    hi
    try to concentrate on work more. build a new hobby and dont be alone. try to avoid his thought. keep humming your favourite song and go on. you have your dh and kid kindly get rid off his thoughts. dont try to get in touch with our ex it might create problem to you as well a him . so just make your mind. their is nothing impossible so try not to remember about him. all the best:thumbsup
     
  4. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    whenever you think about this guy.. also think what if my DH is also thinking about another girl..
    Automatically everything will stop.
     
  5. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    DrPepper,
    I understand your pain. I had a close friend like you in a very much similar situation. I used to console her and diverted her by taking her to movies/shopping etc....what not? But I know you can't erase the past but can hide your feelings. So, just move on as it was your conscious decision to marry your DH. What made you to think about your ex??Just try to interact with your KId, try to do meditation,Yoga and involve in your favourite activity. What do you want to prove to your Ex by apalogising??Love may not always lead to marriage, its a universal hidden truth and every lovers will have this sort of insecurity feeling till they get permission from their parents. Why to messup your life and his life?
    Just move on!!!



    Archana,
    Good sugestion!!
     
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    sounds like V.V. movie, but anyway - try to focus on the good points of your DH to shift your mind. I also agree with what ASG has suggested.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2010
  7. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    Dont fall into the trap of initiating any communication - one thing may lead to another and u may find yourself in a mess in no time.
     
  8. momtwo

    momtwo New IL'ite

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    Hi
    It is going to be hard and frankly i will say you will never forget.No matter how great your current married life is there will be times ,ie watching a movie of listening to a song that will bring memories back.
    What you have to realize is the past and present is very different.What's past is past.Growing up you must have had unpleasant experiences ,you must think of them as a part of your maturing ,ie some hurdles in your path of life and move on.Remember time and tide waits for none.
     
  9. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    I don't think that's a bad thing. Life is to appreciate nature and it's wonderful ways.
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    True .. Sarma a +1 for me for the above.
    There's a quote.. sometimes its in the best interest for us to not to get everything we wanted... but to get things that shall be good for us in the long run. What is important is to relalise that the love was past and should not ride over your present.

    I shall call it an instance of sweeping generalization and a thought pattern which forces a lot of people to arrange a LOVE Marriage. Not all are lucky to find their true love in biological reproduceable age limit or to finalise a love marriage.
     

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