Help me to correct..

idlemind · May 14, 2012

Friends let me tell my problem..I am a housewife with 1 year old baby...sometimes i really feel frustrated sitting idle...My husband had an affair before marriage and he openly told everything about it to me when i asked him...i have told him that i wont ask him again about it if he tells it once..but i always cant keep that promise and i ask him small small details about it ...frankly i like to hear it and we sometimes talk freely but sometimes when he say[he says only when i ask] i just breaks down ...at that time he gets angry and says not to ask about this anymore...i have told you already not to dig but why are you always asking this...he told he will slap me if i ask him about this once more...the thing is i fear he didnt forget her although he has told me that it is past..she is married..in his office there is a colleague with the same name as his ex..and i felt very restless on hearing that as i felt that he will be reminded of his ex whenever he sees her..but my husband wont say her name when talking office matters to me...for a few months he gave lift to her when they left office but along with my cousin who was at that time working in the same office and staying nearby building...she was living far away from us...still i didnt like him giving lift and i told him that i dont like it and he told he will stop it once my cousin stops her work as she was quitting her job due to her hubby transfer...I know there is nothing bad in giving a lift but since her name is that i feels insecure..quite a few times we had fight talking about this lift issue..i always wanted to work but cant because my kid is small..and hubby when there is any vacancy in his office or any of its branch he give cv's of co sis or cousin sis and i feel a kind of jealousy or something like that...i dont have any other hatred feeling for them ..we are very friendly but when it comes to giving cv's i always you dont get me a job in your office but have vacancy for everyone else...he has clearly told me that partners cant work in same office but can in different office which is very far ...but i just cant digest this fact as i have heard from him that his office atmosphere is very calm n peaceful..i have worked before but quit as it was very horrible experience and i have always dreamt of working in his office...But when i see him giving cv's of others i just cant stand it we always fight...he always tell me you wont get a job in my office that is the fact ...he says my mind is not good...i sometimes feel so but the next time when he give cv same feeling comes again..help me please to correct it..is it because i am frustrated or am i bad as he says...thanks

godsgp · May 14, 2012

I guess your husband is a decent and honest man.
It's rare to find such people who maintain such a transparent relationship with their partner but then there has to be a lot of maturity in the other half too.
I feel that you are thinking a bit too much.
The question is not if he's gotten over it or not, it's that you should get over it.
Don't ruin a good relationship because of whimsical thoughts.
Try to be constructive in your relationship and don't let any chance to have a happy and fun moment slip away.

Saisakthi · May 14, 2012

Dear Sister,

First of all hugs to you that have heard your DH tell about his past, Having learnt about his past, please forget it as a past history, it would make him more comfortable for having been truthful to you. When you become anxious about something though things are normal it will appear suspicious, for instance if you have a fear for darkness you will mistake a thread or something of that sort to a snake, though you are fully aware no reptile could creep in there. So please gift him for his honesty by not being suspicious and nagging, that will give him strength to be more affectionate to the family. Past is Past, just let it go away.

The second issue of JOB, you have mentioned you have to take care of your little one at home, so there is NO JOB on your cards for the present. for some future issue why make your day to days affairs clumsy by fighting for it. Live for your present. When you have decided to work then comes the issue as whose CV he is giving for the vacany, stay calm and spend your valuable time enjoying with your liitle one and family and not having nagging thoughts all the time which spoils the relationship.

:hatsoff to DH's truthfullness and please bond it with love, Best wishes..

Since your mindset reveals in the title "Help me to correct" makes me feel you can change... be positive

suryakala · May 15, 2012

Hi sister,
You are so cute!
My suggestion would be, leave the past and think about your little one's future.Don't talk about the past,it is finished. Don't spoil your relationship by fighting about the past issue. That is not good for you both. In tamil one proverb is there" 'Palayana kazithalum puthiyana puhuthalum'-means, wash away the old one and take the new things in your life. Think about your little one's future. Spend your good time with your little one.
You are so lucky you have got a nice and honest DH. He openly told everything about it to you,that is a very good thing for you! Please don't spoil your life. Be with your Dh and with your little one make them happy.
Stay at home for some times, may be after one or two years you can find a job, till that time everything will be alright,That may be the correct time for you to go for work. You will get nice a job.Be cool,and take care.
May Baba Bless you and Guide you always.

nitya1980 · May 15, 2012

Hi Op,
I know it hurts to know that once husband had a affair/crush even if it is before marriage, even when he was a kid/teenager , but still you should not dig into it again and again, no use of it, you will loose your peace.
He looks like honest guy, told you everything. But still i understand it hurts.

About your other concerns, you are comparing past with present, that if he will loose his heart again,, we/some indians think that people who fall in love are some diff kind of people, they don't care about society, they don't care about crossing the rules lane etc etc. But there are lot of people who were good boys before marriage, crossed lane # of times after marriage and vice versa. So just forget about past for your peace.

And please don't get me wrong, i think you are just jealous of these other women, i know why you are jealous, i understand, its common to feel jealous in your shoes, but you know ,its better for you if you don't work in your husband's office, as then you will analyse his behavior in office, and loose your peace. 90 percent of people don't prefer working in same office as spouse. Unless you want him to do your work in office, just stay away from that place. If you don't like him recommending anyone, tell him not to give others CV's straightforward, instead of sulking in the back.
The reason why he is not recommending might be your analysing his behaviour for every act, keep mind pure(i know it is easy said) , as your husband said.
One should try to think positively, if not about everyone in this world, at least about someone we live with 24/7 :cheers.

I wish you Good luck:thumbsup

idlemind · May 15, 2012

Many Thanks godspg , saisakthi , suryakala , nitya1980...

Ya i know what i am doing and thinking is wrong...I love him so much and a bit possessive too...the thing is when he gives importance to other women [ that is how i feel ] i feel awkward...i think after hearing his story only my thinking changed this bad...he sometimes gives lift to other colleagues also but i don feel anything but for this particular girl i dont like..i told him if her name was not that i would have no problem......he has told me why dont you think giving cvs as a good deed as he is helping someone to get a job...but what my mind think is i wanted to work there and look everyone else is getting a job..and when they come and tell the things happened there i feel sad...
@ nitya1980 : My husband knows that i dont like him giving cvs still he gives ..he always says you have to change ...whenever we fight over this he says he will defenitely try his 100% to get her a job in his office...I think once i start doing a job then i would be fine...ya i sometimes feel i am jealous...

parvathi1980 · May 15, 2012

Hey my husband also had a girlfriend before he married me. I have never tried to dig into his past. It won't help anybody. I don't even know the girls name. Stop talking about his past. You are destroying your present and future by doing this.

idlemind · May 15, 2012

@parvathy1980:..That was wise that you didnt ask about her or her details..Nowadays i also think it was my mistake that i asked him about his affair..ladies , dont ask about the past and spoil your peace...now i regret..

jogu07 · May 15, 2012

Dear Idlemind....Everyone has a past and trust me no one ever wants to visit it again, it hurts...!!! Imagine if your DH wouldnt have told you about his past/gf, would you have ever known about it, I dont think so, yet your DH shared it with you, this shows that he cares about you and your feelings and wants to be faithful so you dont have to worry about his intimacy with other women...!!! The fact that your DH has confided, is a proof that he trusts you so why not give him what he deserves...!!! A relationship is a two way process dear friend, we often tend to expect things from the other person, realising little that even that person might have expections from us...!!!

Regarding your job, you are blessed to have a baby and the baby needs you more than anyone else at the moment, JMO...!!! Maybe even your DH wants the same...!!! Your feelings are completely normal and justified however you need to get over them for your DH and baby who are more important to you, right...!!! Dear girl, let bygones be bygones and do not ruin your present thinking and worrying about the past cause no matter what, it cannot be changed..!!!

Good luck and God bless...!!!

nitya1980 · May 16, 2012

Hi idlemind,
If after a fight ,he says he will try 100% to get someone else a job,, then what you can do from next time, is completely ignore him, don't even look at his side, next time he tells about someone else CV, just give a damn look like what ever.
Your husband just looks too good of a person, if he is giving these cv's ,even if you don't like,, as he is taking your taunts to get someone else a job, that too these people are not his relatives or longtime friends(assuming from your post). Even my very good dad listens to my mom once in while ,while doing favors. Some people take pride helping others, they think that others will "look up" to them, give more respect, will feel "great" about him and his connections,they think this will increase their social status. And this phase also will pass in few years, as very soon he will find it boring passing cv's(considering not all the time one gets chance to give cv's, may be its new to him, so enjoying), some times bosses also appreciate if they see good resumes. There are lot of people like this around. Your husband might be one of those, so if someone got a favor from you guys, may be they will be nice to you also right, you can also take pride in it. If you can't bend him, just follow him ,if you like. Otherwise just follow "whatever" attitude.
And don't worry you are normal/average woman,like anyone else. Yes, you are right ,as you start working,things will fall in place sometimes, don't know what it is,it worked for lot of women -