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Help me save my marriage...any good advice.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by diana, Apr 10, 2007.

  1. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I am a 32 year old married woman with two kids. Mine was an arranged marriage. In the initial period of marriage I realized that my husband was a quite and reserved person, but slowly within a span of two years I came to know the reason of his being quiet was that he was in love with a girl for 5 years, who ditched him for the reason that his elder brother had ditched her elder sister and married someone else. His girlfriend went ahead and married someone else. She lives abroad now.

    This breakup had made my husband bitter towards women and so was not ready for marriage. After his mother coaxing he went ahead and got married to me. On knowing this truth I was hurt, as i had not heard this from him, but got to know through my mother-in-law. I then decided to shower him with so much love and affection that he gets over his earlier love and only loves me for life.

    Now after 7 years I feel that I have been defeated and nothing can change him. I, at times get so much depressed that wish to end my life or just walk out on him, but couldn’t because of my two innocent kids. Is there anything I can do to make him affectionate towards me and shower me with love? He never makes any effort to show his concern or love for me. Our sex life is also on his mood and terms (when he wants or likes). I have lost hope but still want to save my marriage, any advice.

    Diana.
     
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  2. xpressions

    xpressions New IL'ite

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    Hi Diana,

    Felt sad :icon_frown: to read about your problem. Let me ask you one thing honestly, do you really feel that evrybody after their marriage are happy???? Everybody have their own problems, may be in terms of compatibility, understanding, financial security, status etc etc......

    Please do not feel frustrated becz of something, which is not your fault!!!! I am not giving you wrong advice, but rather than seeking advice to get your hubby's love, you should search for solutions to make yourself occupied with something.....of your interest.

    If your hubby has not realised your aboslute dedication towards him....it's his loss, not yours !!!! Think in long term. I appreciate your decency and respect for him......but be with him and show him an unexpected shade of your personlaity.

    You have your bundle of joys (kids), spend time with them, join a library - an interesting book will make you least bothered about anything....trust me. Show your family members that you also have some reasons (activities) to keep you happy and busy.

    Do not expect any gentle moments from your hubby, initiate conversation only when required. He would be surprised to see a changed DIANA. M sure he wud start feeling INSECURED....and you would get everything you DESIRED for.....

    M sure you will get tons of advices on this topic. Analyse all and do whatever you feel is PRACTICAL. Take care....

    Regards,
    Seema
     
  3. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My heart goes out to you. You are indeed a strong woman to live through this for 7 years.

    One thing concerns me. Your mil said that he is silent because he is in love with the other girl. Did your husband say that? Maybe he was in love with her, but how do you know that that is the reason he is so silent. Maybe just as you thought during the beginning of your marriage he may be just a silent, reserved kind of guy.

    I am so surprised that on learning about this matter you did not get angry with him or fight with him for hiding it but instead showered him with love. That shows your infinite love for your husband. He is lucky indeed.

    You think he is not responding/reciprocating your love. Men don't show their love like we would. He may not even know that you are doing this to make him forget about the other woman. Maybe he doesn't even think about her now and just doens't care. Because you are in competition with this long gone girlfriend of his you may be expecting something from him which he doesn't even know is expected from him.

    One thing you could try is a direct approach. Send the kids to grandma. Relax yourself. Check if your hubby is relaxed. Then talk to him. Don't get emotional. Just talk like he is your friend and you are trying to help him. Even if he doesn't respond openely, you pour out all of your feelings of love, hurt, anger, disappointment your expectations out to him. Don't expect any miracle from him. Once your pour out your heart you will feel much better. Then just leave him with a few questions like what you can expect from him and what he expects from you. Don't push him for answers. Slowly he will come around. Well you know your hubby best, you will know best about how he will respond.

    No you are not defeated. One thing that you have to come to terms with is, you are responsible for your happiness. Not your hubby. Don't expect him to 'make' you happy. You put a smile on your face. You start living for yourself. Do things that make you happy. Bring cheer into your life. Start paying attention to yourself.

    You have 2 beautiful kids. They are a blessing. How many people suffer through childlessness. Or how many people have kids but they have health issues. Is there anything worse in the world than to see your child suffer from a disease. Your hubby and you are healthy. Your kids are going to look at you for everything. They lay the foundation for their lives based on you and your hubby. Don't be desperate and sad. Look at them and you will realize that your life has purpose.

    Find things that interest your hubby. Start doing things together. Or pull him in to do things for your kids. Get him involved with the kids. He is not going out with other women now. All is not lost. Seeing his usually doting and sad wife happy, keeping herself busy and cheerful is bound to have an impact on him. Maybe he is a silent guy and has a silent way of showing it. But unless you are happy and change your attitude you will surely miss it.

    So today is a new day. Start a new life with your family. Let by gones be bygones. You have a healthy wonderful family. You have a healthy happy YOU. You go girl ! Enjoy life! Your family will follwo suit.

    Love:)
     
  4. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Seema & Shanthi for taking the trouble of going through my threads and sending me your wonderful suggestions. I will surely think over what has been advised.

    One thing I want to make it clear, which i forgot to mention earlier is that, I did confront my hubby after coming to know about his earlier girlfriend from my mother-in-law and he confessed it was true and also that few weeks before our marriage, he was still trying to get information about his ex. And only after coming to know that she had left the Country for good with her husband did he marry me.
    I do accept that many people have past and that we shouldnt mix the past with the present but then when you are left loveless in a marriage, does it not hurt. I did try things like staying for couple of days away from him at my parents place or keeping myself occupied before with my job and later with my kids, but some where deep i feel empty and lost.
    I envy couples who go out either alone or with family and have a gal of time. Should I always find love elsewhere only. Is this marriage.
    I at times feel if people were in my place, would even cheat their hubby by having extra marital affair or just elope. But I am a God-fearing person and so have lot of hope in God too.

    One thing i surely want to say that I find myself lucky to find this website which helps people (mostly women) who have no one to speak to share their problems and shed their excess baggage on their heart to feel lighter and relieved.
    Thanks once again :) .
     
  5. Jpatma

    Jpatma Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Diana,
    I think the whole group understands your predicament. My life was something similar, now i think abt it i want to laugh at myself for being so sensitive. In fact mine was worse , ihad my inlaws silently impling that my husband's girlfriend was better than me.
    I suppose i have reached the maturity to accept a lot of things that happens in life and also today iam very happy (absolutely not dependent emotionally on my husband) because of my Guru who taught me basic principles for happiness. There is hardly any marriage with complete happiness.
    1) Count your blessings ie your children even your husband who is not a womaniser or drunkgard or irresponsible
    2) Do not expect any thing from any one, just do your duties with great love for God
    3) As you detach from results (basic principle of Gita) you will notice the change
    4) You can't change others, you can only change yourself to suit others.
    5) Devote yourself for the family and yourself too, do not feel hesitant to do that you would like to do
    6) Pray to God sincerely and send silently love for all in the family everyday.
    7) Prayers will be answered - either you get maturity or your husband mellows down
    8) Accept the situation and move forward , instead of fighting it.
    9) Remember 7 years is not that long & also men by nature are reserved with their feeling to their wife. They take you for granted.
    10) Laugh and maintain light vein and make some good friends who will influence you to go on and not vice versa.
    Diana, believe me: everything will be fine, learn to accept situation and instead of trying to do what you want, just go with the flow and pray to God to give you the guidance and strength.
    Lots of Love : jaya
     
  6. vaidehi

    vaidehi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi diana!

    Went thru ur thread, as well as all those illites gvg advice and their opinions, here i would just like to suggest you some simple steps which i have observed in my family and personally i feel is the proper way of handling this kind of problem.

    As you mentioned you are blessed with two sweet kids, my advice is why don't you form a bond with these two kids and have fun and enjoy quality time with them, you can build a very good rapport with them and form a gang of urs. Just devote ur time and love towards ur kids ( i mean u can give all the more attention than earlier ). while you do this ur husband may notice that u no longer long for his attention and is happy with ur intrests, he will start feeling left out. he will try all possible means in the begnning to divert the attention , but my advice is u have to posses "Don't care attitude....."

    i am sure when he realises that all Three of you are happy along with each other he will surely try all possible ways to come into ur group. (No one in these world want to be left out or likes to be cornered) Just that u have to be really paitent and calm with ur emotions , meanwhile with pasing phase you urself will enjoy ur kids comapany to go out and will try to forgive and forget ur past.

    i feel rather pleading or sitting in a corner and thinking of ur past u can find new ways of finding love within ur family and i bet u will find the diffn. And my prayers for the same.

    i don't know how many ilites will agree with me,but i feel this has to work.

    cheers
    vaidehi:2thumbsup:
     
  7. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Diana,

    My suggestion is the same as others. Your husband (at this time) may not be openly affectionate or inteested in you and the marriage. But look at the plus sides. You have two wonderful children. Your husband seems to be stable in his job and other matters. Put your faith in God. Create a rapport with your children, but never tell them about this matter. To them, their dad is special and this info is not of any use to them, atleast now.

    I am sure, by the Grace of God, your husband will come round. In fact, I am sure even now, he has realised his mistake in moping for an unfaithful lady while ignoring his wife. Give him time. With your patience, all will be well. Abt sex life, dont fret. These days with competitive careers, most marriages have become like this.

    We will all pray for you. You will get all happiness in married life.

    affectionately
    Vidya
     
  8. Deepav

    Deepav New IL'ite

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    Hello my dear friend

    Please do not get tensed .It is easy to talk but i can understand the deep thought and various that are running in your mind . As our senior member has adviced , please be bold and have faith in God .Your blessed with 2 kids . You have to live your life to them and bring out the best in them .
    Try not to put your self down in any way and face the situation in a bold manner.
    God is always there beside you and will never leave you alone .

    Take care
    Deepa
     
  9. Malathijagan

    Malathijagan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Diana,
    I went through your outpourings about your married life. But as every other ilite who has replied to you, I too feel, men do not behave the same way as women do. Have you read the book-"Men are from Mars and women are from Venus"? That will give you an insight into the way of thinking of men and women.As some one had pointed out, may be by nature, your hubby is reserved and doesn't speak much. So I think, it is not worth thinking of breaking the marriage, falling into a depression or seeking wrong means to satisfy needs. The best way to keep yourself happy is to explore your latent talents and allow it to bloom like a flower that amidst all odds, never fails to blossom and spread its fragrance and beauty to one and all. Do your duty till time takes over you.The fruits will certainly be sweet. All these words are out of similar experiences as yours though there was no love life involved in my hubby's life prior to his marriage. Remember that your kids need your love deeply now. Wish you all the best for a happy life.
    Malathi





     
  10. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

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    hello friend,
    felt very sad about your situation but don't ever think of ending your life in any case as you don't have any rights to take off your soul...face your life..and the best thing is please talk to your hubby directly regarding this and openly and make him understand that you are trying to help him...please don't get emotional and don't let this matter to end in fight..slowly make him realise that you are always for him..and make him realise not to feel for someone who has not cared for him but someone who really loves him..that is you..make a free day and see to that you talk softly...observe what he expresses to you and then decide about your life...even if he doesn't respond properly show your love to him and even cry at times if he doesn't understand you.. this may change hime..don't ever loose hope
    :)
     

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