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Help me relax

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Pritirach, Jul 16, 2007.

  1. Pritirach

    Pritirach Silver IL'ite

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    Hello friends
    I need yur help to relax my mind.For the first time in my three and half of marriage i have come face to face with realty of married life.Yesterday while casually talking with my hubby we started discussing about inlaws.It was good at the begining but took really ugly turn after. And i admit that inspite of reading GOLDEN RULES FOR EVERY WOMEN, I failed to follow it completely and in the flow told all the things tht my In-laws said to me in these three years.As usual he put the entire blame on me and said tht they are wonderful people and it is just because of me they are behaving like that.
    Few things tht hurted me(and told my hubby) most were:

    1) My hubby had an infatuation during his school days abt which he told me after our marriage.He said that he was nOt at all interested in studieS before meetng that girl and whatever he is today is because of that girl as she was very inteliigent and school topper,so she was the only one responsible for whatever he is today.he also told his family about tht girl and also the girl father called thier house and things didnot ork out.
    So once when i went to my inlaws house when my hubby went abroad my MIL also told me tht "do u know why he changed and started studying,it is all beacause of the girl",I siad her yes he told me and she kept on repeating that that girl was only responsible for his growth and whtever he is today.Imagine my situation.I did not feel bad when my hubby told me all this ,but Is it fair on her part to say all these to me?What she said was she was a very silent girl and he liked her nature very much.
    Now when i told my hubby thus that she should not have said this to me what he said was why dont you take positively.What my mother meant was as i like that girl's silent nature u also develop that nature.I was shocked .How could he supoort each and every damn word of his mother?


    2)I have a two and half year son and while he ws born my inlaws showed his jHatakam and astrologer said that beacuse of my son his paternal family(my inlaws )may have some health problems.:bangcomp:After he was born we took him to my inlwas city for annaprasanna ,there he had loose motions due to which i had to postpone my journey back home and hubby returned.After that my SIL"S son who stays nearby and also my MIL got loose motions.U know wht she said "I was expecting tht somthing may happen as according to his jatakam we will have health problems":evil:A baby of five months was responsible for thier loose motions Imagine thier stupidity.
    Otherwise also they are not much affetioante towards my son. My MIL naver is ready to tkae care of him and NOW I WONT LET HER DO THAT ALSO.She compareS her dauhters children with him.They are also fussy eaters but when my son does not eat she said "My children(grand) are gold ,If they would have been like him(my son) she would never have been able to take care of them.
    TO this my hubby's reaction was it is because of you that they are not close to my son.They are scared that u may say something is anything goes wrong.
    Now tell me am i mad to say anything to anybodyand everybody?It was them not me who said tht because of my son they fell ill .
    There are many other things in addtion to calling name to my parents.My father casually told hem abotu my mother that she is much more interested in taking care of the cooking and the house hold stuff than anything else in the world and never tskes interest in the finncial matters even if she is working.Now this my inlaws discussed at great length and even came to the conclusion tht my father is very good and my mother is non supportive.And that is what hubby said to me "I can see your mother in you.Always cooking and nothing else and non supportive.I have already confronted my dad on this isue immeditely when i came to know about it.He was speechless.He said everything i a very light manner but to wrong people.I created big scene ,but damage was already done.WHat my mother got for all her sacrifices,Getting up at 5 Am preparing breakfast ,lunch office washing my fathers clothes Even groceries.Absolutely no work for my father Still she got bad name but whom to blame for it.I hate my father for this . Yesterday i had to hear all this becuase of his mistake.
    i had a very very bad day .i loved my husband so much and thought that he is ther for me everytime.But everything shattered .He was fullly supportive for all that his parents did and all the mistake is mine.HE says that his two sisters are so adjusting and i m really lucky to get him>if i had got a husband ike hIs sisters they would have left me for saying so many things or would have definalty gven me sound bashing.
    To conclude is His family is best and mine worst withno understanding between my parents.
    i was (am) so depressed with all these.I am having a total negative feeling.i Wanted to start afresh with my inlaws,But now i admit I hate them>the only reason for this is my hubby illogical support to them.i DONT WANT TO IMPROVE REALTIONS WITH THEM BECAUSE OF MY HUBBYS SUPPOT TO THEM.

    I know i am paying for not following the GOLDEN RULES, BUT PLEASE FRIENDS HELP ME GET OUT OF THI NEGATIVE FELLING .IT IS TAKING TOLL ON ME.I love my husand and evrything i did was for him, keeping him in mind ,just fr him.Now i realize I need to think of myself.I need to be practical and distract myself from my husband a bit .HELP ME GETTING OUT OF THIS NEGATIVE FEELING.
    PRITI
     
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  2. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Priti,
    I can understand your situation. Everybody will face these kinds of problems in their life. So keep yourself COOL. It hurts very much when hubby is not supportive to us. They will support their mom only even she is MOM is 100% wrong. Just don't get into arguments with your MIL. Once you understand that persons nature it is better to ignore them. Only time will solve these kinds of problems. Even I faced so much like this initially, now I don't give a chance for my husband or in-laws to talk. I give them back answers immedietly, anyway I have become bad person to them, so there is no need to please them for anything.

    First you try to divert your mind, keep cool, engage yourself with friends.

    Take care,
    Punitha
     
  3. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    You have my uttermost respect and sympathy .. it is a difficult situation to be in, especially when your own blood lands you into trouble with your in-laws despite knowing better

    my advice is as follows and is based on my experiences.

    1. Keep your mouth shut in front of in-laws no matter what. Let them continue saying whatever they want without responding but keep careful notes. Do not retaliate against them otherwise you will be blamed for their mistakes. As my mausi told me "mooh me dahi bhar kar baitho". Note everything but dont react and dont say anything. If u dont say anything or dont react they cant find fault with you and if they do so you can always claim innocence because you did not do or say anything!

    2. Husbands think their wives are over-emotional and over-reactive and are too sensitive when it comes to their parents. So don't act emotional/weepy about their parents. Whenever the chance comes up, bring up the notes you kept on in-laws behavior in a very matter of fact manner. He can find fault with your emotional outbursts but no way can he fight facts. Men think they are such rational creatures and the only way to get through to them is to act more rationally than they do .. so for example, you can say, look I try my best to be nice to your mom. I never do or say anything to hurt her feelings, but she still treats me this way and my feelings get hurt. I am not complaining about her to you and neither do I expect you to say anything to her. But this is fact that I am being mistreated and there is no one else that I can share my feelings with besides my husband.

    3. Never talk badly about your in-laws to your husband. They become defensive and would rather blame you than their parents. See, your mother-in-law already does a good job filling her son's ears against you so if you join in this game, yiur husband will start thinking whatever she is saying about you is true. If you find out that she has said something bad about you, do the exact opposite so that your husband will start seeing through her lies. In my case, my mil told my husband I was a money minded person not worthy of her family. So I bought lavish gifts for her and her daughters. Next time she complained abt me, her son gave her a piece of his mind :)

    4. Keep your husband buttered up at all times. Praise him and his family, especially mil. then when she complains abt you, he will have it at the back of his mind that oh my wife is so loving and caring. she thinks so positively about my family and yet my mom keeps complaining about my wife. next time they complain abt you or say something, he will be more likely to defend you :)

    5. avoid talking to inlaws when your husband is not around.

    6. remember they are in-laws, not your parents. no matter how good they may be, inlaws are inlaws and can be expected to say or do things to hurt you. You just remember that you must not let their actions or words affect your life. if they say or do something, why do you let if affect your relationship with your husband? why are you giving them this power to control your life? Just ignore and move on. I know it's hard to do so in the beginning but if you try, it beocmes easier with time.

    Hope this helps,

    Pooja
     
  4. arch174

    arch174 Senior IL'ite

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    hi Priti,
    I can understand ur predicament as I have faced pretty much of this myself.
    these are instances where u must understand that some people have nuisance :bangcomp: value..try not to get into fights/arguments with them ..not becoz they r rt/wrong but...it is better to agree on little things & get on with ur life..they want attention & importance..giving little is better..becoz overall u have peace of mind..small price 2 pay..BUT :2thumbsup: u learn to draw line when they go beyond that line..u protest
     
  5. Pritirach

    Pritirach Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Punita,Pooja and arch for your understanding and kind words.I will try to follow your advice and be careful in the future.
    I think i am learning the hard way.
    I really aprreciate a ton .Till now i was really feeling lonely and sad in this foriegn land and only had my hubby to rely on for all my needs ,but he did not understand my feeling instead hurt them, Now i have friends like you to advice and understand me.Thanks a lot for making me feel better.
    Priti
     
  6. subbi

    subbi New IL'ite

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    Dear priti
    when delibrately people wants to hurt you.and you get hurt their mission is completed.all the accusations comes out of their inferior complex and insecurity. try acting that you are not hurt by their comments, just see the reaction, you will automatically relax.i will be coming to norwood in december
    looking forward to meet you
    subbi
     
  7. Nivedi

    Nivedi New IL'ite

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    Priti dear,

    What Puni, Pooja, arch and Subbi say are 100% true. Some people are there in our lives just to hurt us. And if we react to them, then we will loose our peace of mind. But I can understand the anger that you would have gone through.

    Many MIL's have a large heart for their daughter's children and show little affection towards the children of their son's, but they do all this in a very discreet and smart way. It is highly stupid on their part to blame your son for their health issues.

    Enjoy your time with your little boy, play with him and you will cheer up in no time.
     
  8. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    HI priti,
    How are you doing today??
    Were you able to overcome the depression/pain.
    Just ignore them and you lead your own life.

    Take care,
    Punitha
     
  9. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Welcome to reality! Not that I am enjoying your predicament, but letting you know that you have taken the first step towards becoming more mature and strong and face your in-laws and hubby. A majority of Indian men are like that. Blind support for their family, forgetting even wife is part of that family! Makes me mad, but that is reality for a lot of women. You have put in words all of your frustration. When the same thing happened to me ( ie. realising for the first time that I have no support from my husband when it comes to in-law matters) a couple of years ago I was devastated too. Couldn't accept it. Its' as if everything was topsy-turvy. I felt like I cannot rely on anyone anymore. Later on I realised I shouldn't rely on anyone too much. Especially if that someone isn't going to support you! Most husbands will get defensive when you say anything about their family. It doesn't matter how you say it - will all the calm in the world and erupting like a raging volcano. It's the same to them. It doesn't matter if you video tape the incident and show it to them. They still will never accept it. When I go to my husband's place I feel so lonely. They are all a family and I am here by myself - just waiting to be shot by someone! First 2 visits I was like that. But then I just toughened up. Accepted the reality of my life

    1. Never expect husband's support.
    2. Unless I made a mistake delieberatly with the intention of hurting anyone I don't feel bad - doesn't matter what my husband or anyone says.
    3. Learned to act just like my MIL when I am around her. When you are surrounded by sharks - learn to swim like one. When you play their game they don't have fun anymore.
    4. Now I know my husband and in-laws I have just accepted that reality. I don't pine for a good relationship with them. If it happens - that will be my prayers answered, if not - fine. As the years go by I am only going to get better at this game.

    No one can make you feel better my posting a reply here. As I have learnt when you have been hit - hard emotionally - it will feel bad. Let it feel bad, absorb it - learn from it! A very bitter lesson indeed. Let your heart hurt, and slowly with time your heart will heal and become stronger than it was before ! Believe me! Slowly modify your beliefs to suit reality. Learn to be happy with your husband. Accept that part of him that irritates you and put it behind a big door. Deal with it when you are with in-laws. Otherwise ignore that part of him.

    Easier said than done! Will look forward to hearing from you.

    Be brave girl!

    Love:wave
     
  10. Pritirach

    Pritirach Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks subbi
    Thank you for your kind words.Surely looking forward to meet you in december.
    Priti
     

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