Help me please / Friend treacherous

suni12tummala · Dec 17, 2009

Dear ILs

Tears coming while writing this thread, seeking ur advice. im not aware whether this the appropriate forum. Moderator’s plz help........

im married since 2 year and blessed with DD, now today when i was chatting to my old friends mom she told me that she is searching a bride for my friend. Immediately i called him to wish him, suddenly he told me that he loves me from the day one . i was shocked. No words. And he is begging me to think about him now. Now he is asking me to give some space in my heart. I told him in many ways he is not in a state to understand any thing. He is just begging...........

Im very happy in my world, I don’t want any disturbances. And want to make him clear but gently, help mee

Or shall I stop talking to him. I can’t share it with my hubby even.
Iam totally upset with his behavior.

Please let me know as soon as possible

Sunitha

lavii · Dec 17, 2009

Re: Help meeeeeeeeee plz / Friend treacherous

sunitha i know that was wierd
dont call him even if he calls you talk if he talks sense else give him a warning and say you have to disclose this to your dh and his parents
and warn him to avoid fuss keep quiet
he could have loved you but no point in telling you this after 2 yrs when you have a kid
shame on him

asuitablegirl · Dec 17, 2009

Re: Help meeeeeeeeee plz / Friend treacherous

Sunitha,

Why are you becoming emotional like this? It's senseless. Please stop crying. By crying you are giving more importance to this issue than it deserves.

First let me say, you should stop that guy in his tracks next time he says he is interested in you. Make it clear that you are very happy in your marriage and that you wish him the best with his search for a spouse. Tell him that once he is married he will realize what true love really is, and that what he is feeling for you now is a passing phase. Then, I would not keep in touch with him after that. Afterall it's not like you guys are best friends if it took an old friend to inspire you to get back in touch with him, that too just to wish him. So, nothing lost by not keeping in touch with him anymore.

Second, don't feel any type of guilt or anxiety for 'breaking his heart'. If he loved you so much, he would have tried striking up a relationship with you before you got involved with your husband. And also... what you feel for your husband is LOVE. The trust, respect, affection, intimacy, shared hopes and dreams and future you have with your husband is LOVE.

The rush of attraction, mixed emotions, and longing for the unattainable that your friend is feeling is LUST/A CRUSH. Probably because he has never been married or in a serious relationship makes it hard for him to realize what love really is. So until he figures it out in his own marriage, do him and yourself a favor and stay away. Once he is married and happy with his wife, this incident will become a distant memory for him. So don't jeopardize your relationship with hubby by continueing to entertain your friend's romantic babbling. This issue will go away on its own as long as you don't involve yourself further.

p.s. If he calls you back, set him straight. If he continues to call after that, tell him you will be informing your dh that he is hassling you... then do it.

scorpiogal · Dec 18, 2009

Stop Calling him .His intentions now are baseless.Don't fall into this mess .stop all connections with him

shobatharun · Dec 18, 2009

next time when he calls tell more about your family..i mean your husband kid...and the kind of family you lead...and tell him that you cant think some one in between this....and stop talking to this guy...you should have a peaceful life because the mistake is not on your part you got married 2 yrs back...so stop worrying spend time with your kid...god bless

suni12tummala · Dec 18, 2009

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Csunithag%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><style>  </style> Thanks a bunch to all the ladies, thanks for u r valuable remarks.

Yes, I thought the same last night as u folks said, why I should cry or guilt; after all I don’t have any wrong intention in my mind or heart. Yeah as I said im afraid of telling all this nonsense to my DH, now I think it is not necessary to tell him, even I can handle this issue. Im strong women, handling my jobs at work place and home perfectly, then why can’t I solve this problem. But I definitely take help form my DH if I can’t handle and sutiation becomes worst.

So I told to my self all this, and made my mind cool (All this I thought last night and made my mind).

Now today morning after coming to office, as usual I was busy with my work I opened my mail box, I have received a mail form same person, he was trying to call me, I switched off my mobile, so he has sent a mail.

Every thing repeats, (In his words)

I love u so much, can’t live without u
And please give some space in your heart

I need your friendship and also some other relation ship

What does it all means??????

Now I m not shocked nor feeling bad not depressed either
So he is not worth my friend ship, I decided not to speak to him, now he doesn’t look like a friend anymore , I feel like a phantom entering in to my sweet abode, disturbing my peaceful life.

I haven’t replied to that mail

- sunitha

SriVidya75 · Dec 18, 2009

Sunitha

One thing you have to think about is not your friend, but your reaction and thoughts about him...Did you have any kind of secret admiration for him?? or are you craving for some attention or some special treatment or words??it may not be from him specifically...but are you craving for some loving words? someone to make you feel special...youknow that your husband is supposed to make you feel special and happy so, is that lacking in your marriage? or do you want more of that special feeling? ASK yourself..

Any wife, who is happy with her family, the moment when she hears such words from a long term friend, the FIRST reaction should be SORRY now that I know what are your feelings and hidden thoughts about me, I am not going to continue this friendship with you or talks with you anymore..reason..you never thought of me as a friend...you had a secret feeling about me which you have expressed to a married lady who is a mother too...which is so morally wrong!! (Personally that would be my answer to such guys and I would forever cut off my conversation with such people...because they are hypocrites..today after so many yrs he is saying he loves u and he need something??..so what would he say or do after few more yrs??? are such guys even safe enough to think about or talk to???

Might be you really have to give it a thought about yourself and your friendship with him. Dont even spend a micro/milli second time on such nasty people...who doesnt know the different b/w friendship and love, married woman and a spinster

sarajara · Dec 18, 2009

Hi Suni,

Any Genuine guy who had been a true friend or a genuine lover would not ask a girl to share some space in her heart apart from her family.It makes things clear that he doesnt have any good intentions. :rant

Snap his contacts immediately with a warning of sacing dire consequences if he ever tries to disturb you. Why so in tears? because ur married and still he dares to propose you? In that case u need to project ur personality to be more stronger in public than now.

Believe me Suni, I was like this[ a genuine and innocent friend to everyone around me:bonk] and also sometimes become like this, being very friendly and caring to my friends that one of them dared to propose me inspite of knowing that i am in love with a guy and am engaged to him!

Thanks to my husband who made me understand the pshycology of men. It is here :To any guy a friend or any girl who is kind and considerate would mean somehting similar to a relationship. Ever since I understood that practically I stopped exhibiting my concern for my friends ( esp males), giving them the idea that we might be mentally involved or ready to involve with them. A guy knows and can take care of his own life and doesn't need any one to suggest or support him or even care for him. If the care comes - especialluy from a girl then they start dreaming that the girl is interested in them. I know this would be shocking and unaccepable for many of us girls as genuine friends but unfortunately people who accept a straight friensdhip and appreciate it is very rare.

In your case, If he had dared to propose you , be it his craze.. accepted. But why should he suggest you to think about him apart from your family?:rant Dont switch off the mobile.. why would u give any ideas to ppl who are trying to reach you finding ur mobile being switched off most of the time? first ppl to know being ur DH, inlaws and ur parents.. will that be a good news for them?.He would ave courage to trouble u more if he comes to know thaat ur scared of his calls n switching of the mobile.

Pick his call and warn him strongly and tell him that his next call would be answered by ur husband. I hope ur husband would understand you and would be in a better position to take care if this continues.

Life is very nice to give importance to unworthy ppl like this. Dont let all such silly people upset you. Dont panic.. and Take Care:thumbsup

suni12tummala · Dec 18, 2009

Dear Vidya,
I know this person since 8 yrs, all this while I have treated him as a good friend, that’s it.
I have to say Im reserved type. I don’t even share many things even with close friends expect my family. So, family takes first priority in my life. Now i can strongly say I have never given any chance to others. I never had a secret admiration about this person nor did I ever pamper him. Even I have to mention that after marriage I have never spoke to him till yesterday, I was totally full with my job and house hold chores. And these days busy with my 4 months DD. I called him yesterday because his mother called me, so I thought I will speak to my old friend as well. So after long time I heard this sentence form him which annoyed me lot.

Im very happy with my married life, no regrets at all. <link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Csunithag%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C04%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><style>  </style>He is very supportive. He trusts me a lot. And I too have respect, affection, intimacy towards him and above all i love him a lot. I was never ignored by my DH. <link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Csunithag%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C05%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><style>  </style>Our compatibility levels are high and we both understand each other well.

As asuitablegirl said he is not bound in any serious relationship, like me. I agree to her.

ShilpaMa · Dec 18, 2009

Suni... reply to his mail as follows:

Of all the relations in my life I'm left with only one space... of a friend & brother which is lacking & I shall value the most... do let me know if ur fine with this corner of my heart.
My brother also cant live without me!!!

Firndship + brother.. is the combined relationship I can offer you... and if yes pls be ready with the biggest dairy milk fruits n nuts for the next rakhi. If no then pls forget that I even existed to take ur call or read ur message.

Thanks & Regards,
XYZ

Dont at all worry if this guys ends up telling ppl how u used his sentiments cos many ppl get involved wven without any commitment (1 sided affections) he'll soon get over with this after his marriage... many ppl get scared to get hooked up with an unknown gal or a guy & they end up rushing to their acquaintances.