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help me clear my mind

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by priyanka12345, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    my mind is wandering


    I was in relationship while in school. it was 6 year relation .however later there my boyfriend revelaed that he was just doing timepass and he later on liked me while we were in relation.that changed my entire attitude towards him and i broke off with him .I was that time 18-19 years old when i took that decision.


    at that sametime my husband came in my life in my engg college. may be his friendship made my life easy to leave my boyfriend that time. now after so many years last month i saw my boyfriend and i wanted to talk with him.however we did not as my mom w as with me.


    last 2 days . i am chatting with him as it was his birthday. we have talked a lot on our past and i explained that his some talks changed my decision and i repent that.I did not reveal what talks ( abt he doing timepass etc) was the reaaaason behind my decision.


    I really still love him deep somewhere in my heart .he also still has soft corner for me and he admitted that.


    he had gone ahead and had a love marriage. he has a son who is 4 years old and I have a 3 year old son. we both know that we still love each other and want to be together if nothing else prevails. but we cant. i am not happy with my marriage and was on verge of divorce due to inlaws and my husbands biased behaviour towards my parents.. he says he is happy with his marriage.


    we are chatting since 3 days and talked all abt our past and present. majorly i revealed many of things from past and how i was wrong in leaving him etc.


    i could not sleep properly bcos of all this and am feeling if i could go back in time and change that decision. I know its absurd but I really am feeling if it can be possible.
    however when I start thinking of his wife and his child and my son.. i just shut my thoughts.
    but I am afraid for how long will this happen.the only good part is he is mumbai and me in pune so we cannot come across now but i long to meet him once and have some good talks face to face. WE have still not called eachother to talk because I feel I will cry while talking to him.


    I have started thinking what if we can come together now etc.
    I really dont know where this is leading . I tried not talking on chat or on whatsapp but its not working out. I am getting attracted to talk with him more and more .


    what to do?
     
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  2. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the core and main issue. Your frustration in your own marriage. That is what is making you think that your former boyfriend would have been the ideal partner for you.

    There is nothing like, "Ideal Partner" or "Made for Each Other" in real life. Every marriage has its own problems.

    If you had been living with your former boyfriend, that marriage would definitely be having their own set of problems.

    Every marriage needs hard work and perseverance to keep peace in.

    You are being tricked by your unhappy marriage !
     
    12 people like this.
  3. seekingbless

    seekingbless Platinum IL'ite

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    the grass is always greener on the other side, dear.
    U are thinking u would be happily settled down if u have married him. but its actually not, how can u be sure that that guy and his parents are treating his wife well?
    just something to be ponder upon....
     
  4. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah I feel so.
    1) The things are marriage is not working as i wanted.
    2) My parents are unhappy with my husband as he has asked them not to come to my place.
    3)I cannot talk with my husband abt anything as whatever i talk leads to fights and misunderstandings.
    4) Its not the case that I did not think of my former boyfriend anytime. But from last month when I saw him , Its not going from my head . And from my marriage itself i have alswasy felt that I will never have happylife since I betrayed him.
    5) I have started believeing my life would have been better if I was with him and I am surprised now that I shared this feeling with my boyfriend
    6) However I know this all is not right for both of us and our spouses and children
    7) I have started daydreaming abt my life with him . I need to stop all this soon but how?
    How do I achieve
     
  5. seekingbless

    seekingbless Platinum IL'ite

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    first thing first. stop contacting him.
    second, work out on ur marriage. try to go for vacation or short holiday. its always work. all the best.
     
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  6. varadhan8

    varadhan8 Bronze IL'ite

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    Change ur number. Better switch off n keep it in locker ur cell phone. Think abt his wife's position now. If she came to know that her husband is still in contact with his ex girl friend it wil cause unnecessary rift between them too. Just like seeking glass suggested try to work on ur meg instead of day dreaming abt unreal life. Just my two cents.
     
  7. bulesha

    bulesha Silver IL'ite

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    To start with, I find lot of un-happiness in IL, some may begenuine and some are inviting un-happiness. This is one of the examples.
    She is un-happy that things arenot going the way she wants? What if her DH feels the same way? Marriage doeswork like a company where things move as per boss wishes. Marriage is all aboutunderstanding each other. Problem arises when one want to run it as per her/hiswish. The other day I asked my DH, how come in 16teen years of our marriage wedidn’t had a major issue & he said you didn’t try to change me and so wasI. Introspection is needed why you arenot happy do it & write down. Than take one by one, make an analysis tofind solutions. Caveat is not to find faults of your DH. As far as your BF is concern, don’tenter into dangerous path. He is happy with his world; try to make your worldhappy. Engage yourself in some hobby, spent time with your son in the park,read some good books. The point is throwaway your thought for your Ex BF. Assome body said grass is always greener other side. All the best.
     
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  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    First cut off all contacts with your ex again. You aren't in a place to handle being in touch with him right now. It would really help if you stop referring to him as your boyfriend. He is an ex and is so for reasons that seemed best to you at that time. Ok you still have a crush on him. It is you who needs to do the right thing in this situation. No one else can do it for you.

    you must also remember that it is gross injustice and an insult to his wife (and your husband) be getting emotionally attached to him now.

    It is not wrong to be friends with an ex as long as you both remember where the line is drawn. However in your case the problems with your marriage are dulling your judgement. You must start looking into yourself and work on your self esteem. Pick up books and read articles online. Tell yourself that you are a good human being who deserves to be treats with consideration and respect.

    Also learn about how to resolve marital conflicts, how to communicate with your partner and how to strengthen the bond between you and your husband. Discuss it openly with him. Tell him that you want to have a more harmonious home, as it is especially important for your little one. Tell him you are working on it and you need his encouragement and support. Get him interested in your quest.

    The second you realise you are dreaming, tell yourself (look in the mirror) sternly that the past is in the past and you need to look ahead.

    The effort will be worth it.
     
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  9. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    You can have 'healthy' thoughts and aspirations like, say, if you(with your husband) or he(with his wife) gets a girl child, you both can think about marrying within the two families..

    This will stand as a testimony to pure love..
     
  10. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am not trying to change my husband. HE wants to change me and my bahviour as per his wish. He wants to dominate toe the extent how should i talk in low or high pitch. when should I call my parents ... I should not invite them to my home to stay for a day. My dad came for 2 hrs and he left at 9.30 PM to my uncle's home to sleep just because my DH did not want. he still created fight why my dad came. He wants that I cut contacts with all my relatives.he wants that I should talk to my ILs and have my son call them daily.
    I am fed up of all the expectations he has when he knows how my ILs behaved with me .He feels i am at fault and he has come to pune for me and i should always be submissive because of that.
    he wants that I get involved with my SIL/MIL who wanted me to be out of my own house .he wants me to wish his side relatives when none bothered to wish me .

    all these things he wants. Its not that am inviting problem. the problem exists . I dont talk anything else with himapart from my son. he is working day and night and doing timepass at office as well. He is spending hrs chatting with his female collegue after office hours. they both are calling each other late in night like 12 or 1 AM. they sometimes come from office late at 12 etc.when he is leaving offcie at 7.30 or 8 PM , they spend time 1-1.5 hr chatting abt work and what not near our house.
    There were constant sms sent between them late night etc.now he is deleting them. I confronted him as why he is calling or taking calls at night and talking slowly . He says its just friendship and starts topics abt my parents.
    anything on this earth is later related to my parents and that he does not like them.

    I too dont like ILs after all the things they have done to me.But they stil lcoem every month and stay for 3-4 days .I should adjust to this and he cannot.

    all this is what he wants and you are telling me that I am making him change.no dear its otherway and I am resisting that change as I cant stop talking to my parents and hear bad words for them.

    After all this when i talked to my ex boyfriend I felt he is having good life with his wife and how lucky she is. I cannot take her position for sure and will never do that even if I am alone. they have their life and i am happy for him.
    The only problem is now that i know he is treating his wife and her parents nicely, it affected me that why I left him.I started dreaming what my life would be with him . I know its not possible and do not want to spoil their married life.
    he started talkng to me in morning on whatsapp and i too then.
    I want to have proper friendship with him forgetting all the past .Not sure If I am doing right.

    but this is what is happening now.




     

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