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Help For A Friend With Marital Issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SinghManisha, Dec 18, 2018.

  1. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Lalitha, thank you for your response. This might be a radical suggestion but something that might help her mentally. I will definitely share this with her. Anything that will provide a justification or explanation for her issues will help her accept it sooner.
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you for apologizing. Your initial response is a reflection of how different men and women perceive a issue like this. Intimacy is not only about physical pleasure but it is also about emotional connection. Suggesting EMA to someone that is grieving the loss/ lack of that emotional connection would be cruel.



     
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  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I am so sorry to see this happening. I don’t know if there is a fix for it other than getting checked medically and get into a treatment plan for his issues. If he is unwilling, until he is ready, she will have to do the whole 9 yards and then some herself. Since she still wants to stay in this relationship, this is something that must be done. Medical treatments cannot be fixed with any verbal solution and the sooner she accepts this, then sooner she can come up with a game plan.

    As for not having kids, there are options if they are up to exploring them (sperm donors/ adoption/ surrogacy etc)
     
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  4. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Manisha...sorry...I apologize again...I didn't mean to suggest EMA to anyone...my mistake.
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    let's break it down. initimacy is big word. do you mean physical intimacy ( then may be he has medical issues ) or she might be fat or not physically attractive ( sorry this is rude to say ) but looks do matter if not all the time but it does help how a person takes care of him or her

    emotional . how has she treated him , she looks like an extrovert and he is an introvert. ladies you cannot jump to conclusion to blame the man. but expecting an introvert to be all hunky dory is not easy. my H is introvert, it look me a lot of effort to make him really bonded to me .

    this process will take time.

    remarriage is not easy, again you have past baggage and you do not know the person you meet has what issues.

    counselling is the best but he needs to understand how serious her feelings are. otherwise it is listening to some 3rd person and pay the COPAY.

    funny i was talking about this to my H some time last week, how important a partner becomes after 10 years. After 10 years you are physically and emotionally becoming old. parents are getting old they cannot emotionally cheer you up. siblings are getting old, they have their own issues. Friends are getting old , they have own issues . only person who you can open your heart is your partner and if that early 10 years has been living like room mates, then that options is gone. now she is feeling very lonely . her H seemed ok because introverts like being alone .
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    No normal married man will stay without sex for 15 years no matter what.
    Fat ,skinny ,introvert,extrovert ....doesn't matter.
     
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  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SinghManisha I was in exactly the same situation as your friend. I stayed for 10 years in that situation. I can understand her pain and fears very well. I dont think she can ever fully accept this situation as it is. , she can turn 50 and she will still yearn to feel desired as a woman and feel special. and I think that is completely justified. We are not human beings if we dont have these feelings to feel loved and wanted. Your friend is feeling hopeless at this moment , so what can you tell her is to write on a paper what she truly wants ( not analyze or worry how that will happen) . Write her innermost desire and ask the universe to help her, give her strength to do whatever it takes to help her achieve that dream. I believe from every fibre of my being , that if you are brave enough to ask what you want , the universe will help you get it. None of us are helpless or alone at any point .
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Manisha,
    This is a tough situation. The best you can do is be there for her as she figures things out on her own and offer her support and validation, imo.

    Thing is, there is no right answer here, only the choice which satisfies her. What I mean is I can see this go either way, her leaving or staying as equally possible. 15 years is a long time and usually in most marriages over time things evolve, people change, children or in laws enter or exit the situation keeping it dynamic. Not so here. This situation is pretty static, the principals are exactly where they were 15 years ago, they have not used this time to grow closer together, or travel, or discover common interests or explore new things or anything like that from what you say. There has been no growth, no increase in common ground so to speak no positives from the union which can be used to cancel out the glaring negatives of no intimacy and no kids . Growth doesn’t have to come from kids alone or intimacy alone but it does help it along, in majority of marriages both are the easy way out. Lack of growth, lack of evolution of common ground here is a real problem, imo. That leaves a strain on the members to continue to maintain the status quo imo. Which now your friend is feeling. I do hope she finds the courage and strength to create a life which satisfies her. She is lucky to have a caring friend like you.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    totally agreed . but you missed reading my quote

    do you mean physical intimacy ( then may be he has medical issues )

    why was this not addressed sooner .

    i know only tip of the iceberg. can only say a generic comment based on my life experience.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    15 years won't be medical issue alone....more likely orientation issue.
     

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