Hello

what bothers me , OP just posts a thread and there will be 2 to 3 page discussion with all ILs who wish well. there will not be response from OP. Again after 4 weeks there is a similar thread.

It is clear OP is ruminating heavily, unfortunately this is a serious depression from abuse. OP is not ready for any legal processing.

i have seen such with a very close relative. and return to positive also. from a obsessive's over thinking person to complete 180 change in confident in 6 months and she took major life decision.

emotional talks will make feel good at that moment. but without professional help and medication, it does not last long

She needs therapy and definitely medication.

 

Exactly the reason why we keep giving her suggestions instead of reality checks. Continued long duration of narcissist abuse conditions the victims in such a way that they can't think of a life without the abuser and they start getting paranoid which is what op is going through.

Op
If you are still undecided about therapy go through videos by Dr Ramani on Npd and how the victims are conditioned into thinking the abuser is right and you are wrong even though deep down you know it is not true. This may inspire you to take that first step towards therapy. Having lost my time on a narcissist and being confused about things I started reading about Npd and did take 2months of therapy from Betterhelp and things feel much clear. Things I feel conflicted about earlier, I could take a decision without feeling guilty. This is the link for Dr Ramani's channel if you are interested
https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani

 

Yes. We already said all those. But she is not doing any.

She must be in something like Stockholm syndrome.

That's why if she calls 911 next time he hits, it will atleast get the ball rolling.
The husband will be out of house, cops may put her in contact with a social worker seeing her condition.

Kids must already been psychologically damaged.

 

I’ve been around online forums enough to know that things are not always as they seem and people have different motives for posting.

 

OP’s problems run deeper than her husband. She keeps posting and posting. But I don’t think she is a poster with any hidden motives. She just doesn’t comprehend what people here are trying to tell her. All her posts suggests her as a flat two dimensional thinker. I really hope she has a real support in life from parents or friends.

 

Thanks for sharing your views. Yes, focusing on our life can lead to better pathways. I understand that we can do that if there is no abuse. I am curious to know how will you deal with physical violence or cheating or addictions? If that occur, will you still stay in the marriage?

OP is facing physical violence according to her posts. May be her h can still claim its her imagination and confuse her by creating doubts in her own mind. Hope she seek help of family, friends and professionals. She is a working woman, not sure why cant she understand her situation, even after ILites continue to give suggestions for a long time.

 

Thank you for your question dear!

We must focus on life regardless of what life throws at us. In fact, focusing on self, health, self dependence and support system as advocated above is more crucial when you are living in an abusive marriage.
If I am dealing with physical violence or cheating or addiction, the first thing I would be concentrating is to establish myself to be self sufficient to no longer depend on this abuser for anything.... anything, including financial support, emotional support, companionship, visa, status, home, etc..etc... By all means, I would find alternative ways to secure myself to avoid dependence.

OP's dependence is hindering her from escaping violence. She is working, but she shares almost all her salary to her spouse. She is financially dependent on him for self and for the kids.
She has parents & an extended family, but not sure her relationship with them. So, she still consider her spouse as her family.
She has health issues, which is affecting her big time. Looks like, she is mentally not prepared to move out of the house when she is physically, financially and socially dependent on a man, no matter how bad he may be.

So, being self dependent and securing a social support system should be the first step, according to me.
Without that, divorce may lead to further damage than what she is actually going through. And I am afraid, OP may be mentally not prepared/strong enough to handle the consequences of divorce if she is not self dependent.

Since I am working on cases, I have a great understanding of family/communal issues and how they are presented.
I have seen women who were beaten to death, disrespected and abused by their spouse, yet they believe it is their destiny and never complain. They lead normal life with their spouse, love them to the moon & back, and respect them as Gods.
There are some women, who provoke their spouses to a point of hitting or throwing stuff at them and complain as physical abuse to the point of divorce. But within them, they knew what happened and never take actions.

So, I consider "physical abuse" in a marriage is a vast subject. For me, any kind of abuse, be it physical or emotional or financial shouldn't be tolerated in a marriage. While asking spouse to change, it is important to change ourselves so that our spouses do not dare to take advantage of our vulnerabilities.

In this case, the OP is not self dependent, she doesn't have a solid support system, and she is physically unfit to even foresee challenging things beyond this marriage. Her posts are more of vents to manage her emotions within the scope of her marriage.

 

OP is undergoing trauma bonding. unhealthy empathy and sympathy towards the abuser.

this is what i have been telling in multiple threads from OP she needs medication like light Serotonin for some weeks. It will heal her mental state, and will give her confidence. ( i have seen this with my close cousin). who was in a narc relationship always blaming herself even if abused , beaten. no amount of emotional support helps , i have done that. She took steps only when her stress caused her extreme IBS with extreme pain and then doctor told to take this medicine. With 2 months, she was a new person. did not tolerate anything.

 

I am not sure if I got an answer in black and white. Op is just venting here for sure.

But "shouldn't be tolerated in a marriage" - what does that mean if the abuser stop doing so. Stay with the abuser or leave?

I blame only the physical abuser even if other person triggered it. I can understand anger frustration, but beating other person? Will they do that to a stronger person or boss, for whatever reasons.

I have seen many educated financially independent women tolerate abuse just because they want to be in a marriage and fear heing alone or not courageous enough to face the unknown. It is also possible to leave parellel lives like roommates if no violence ,but not an easy thing to do till they are completely detached. Its just their personal choice. But personal safety and the right live should be the top priority in case of abuse.

Yes. I understand. We all suggested her to seek protessional help, but that suggestion is not yet well received by her. If she cant help herself, no one else can. Also, its possible she dont have a healthy mind set or courage to do so due to all these abuses for a long time.

 

Physical or emotional or financial abuse in a marriage should not be tolerated.

A person chose to tolerate abusive partner just to stay in the marriage, thinking marriage is the only option to stay protected in life, be it socially or financially.

If they have a strong support system outside of their marriage, like steady finances and family/social support, nothing will force them to continue an abusive marriage.

That's why it is important to work on self and social support system prior to challenge the spouse or walk out of a marriage.

Advising a person to walk out of an abusive marriage is easy. But what next?
What about the emotional turmoil immediately after filing for divorce? Where to go? Who will take care of kids? Before the legal custody battle, there comes the ego battle where fathers sometimes risk the life of their children, while mothers witness all this helplessly.
What about society? Parents? X,Y and Z?
If you are not self dependent, you have no choice but to listen to all these critics and give defensive explanations to convince you are not at fault.
You can chose to stay silent, but then it is not guaranteed you have help from your near/dear ones.
And many more.....

Fearing this, most women dread divorce.

While contemplating divorce, i would advice OP to work on self & be self dependent. Find a support system that will always stand with her.
This way, she can weigh her tolerance level & decide what exactly she wants in life.