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Having An Affair And Want To Break The Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KayaCholan, Feb 18, 2019.

  1. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

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    My cousin sister is on the verge of divorce with her husband of 15 years. They have been together for aeons and were considered the perfect couple by many. So our family is shocked that they are getting a divorce and i am very close to my sister so I am particularly affected.
    The issue is she says she has never been happy. My BIL is a great guy, provides for the family, loves her, treats her well but is not the romantic kind of person and never has been. He is also controlling in terms of how they conduct their life and handles all their finances. My BIL is a businessman and is very successful so I believe his assertiveness comes from that. My BIL is also a little traditional compared to my sister and she has always hated this.She says there is no spark in the marriage. They also dont have kids due to 'unexplained infertility'. They have done several tests and been to several doctors over the years and have found no solutions. However this not an issue for them. Her main issue in the marriage is his controlling behaviour, his unromantic self and no spark in the marriage. They tried counselling but nothing has changed.

    She has now started an affair with another guy and wants to move on with him. She says she has found real love and has experienced 'the spark' for the first time. The guy is married and he wants to leave his wife. He doesnt seem reliable to me and I am worried my sister is going down the wrong path. I want the best for my sister but also think she should work on her marriage since my BIL is a great guy but at the same time if she says she has never been happy then that makes me sad for her. She deserves to be happy and excited.

    Have you or anyone you knew left a marriage for an affair ? Did the affair ever become an happily ever after ? If there is no spark in a marriage how does one fix it or get it back ?
     
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  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I have never heard of two people leaving their respective marriage and living happily everafter

    Even if she files divorce, no kids is advantage, i am not sure he will leave his wife for her

    She should get divorce and go look for a single and available guy instead of breaking another marriage

    Your BIL could do something to rectify here and save the marriage. Marriage cannot be saved by one person or surrounding people.
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I had posted this response to another recent thread, where the "cousin" herself posts to say that she wants to leave her good (but boring) husband, and go with someone who makes her laugh; and there were two kids in the marriage as well. You might find useful counsel for your cousin from some of the IL members over there.
    I have lived in a foreign country where pretty much half the marriages end in divorces. And many divorced get remarried again. Even the president of the country had been divorced twice, and has had many affairs as well.

    People in that country seems to know that .....Nobody is sufficiently happy if there is a possibility that one could be happier.

    Your cousin has already overcome the husband-imposed traditional controls in managing to find her spark elsewhere. Only she can know whether it is a temporary spark or a permanent one. Outsiders cannot know that. Good luck to her.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019
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  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    The way I see it, she has nothing to lose.. If she wasn't happy 15 years , thats not going to change now. Whether or not that other guy commits she is better off coming out of this marriage . Life is too precious to spend in a no spark relationship.
     
  5. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi @Amulet, Thanks for referring me to the post it was good to read some of the responses (most of the responses called the post a spam). The question is not about second marriages or how many divorces etc as its all very common these days not just for the affluent. The question is about leave something good for something that is perceived as better. Isnt a 'known devil' better than 'unknown angel' ? Also if her husband is willing to work on it, shouldnt she give it another chance to really get to the root of the problem and try an find a solution instead of jumping ships ? Also that guy is leaving his wife too, isnt that a little too good to be true ? Is she letting go of something good for an illicit non reliable affair ?
     
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  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    she is leaving the marriage for some unreliable guy..what if this guy uses her and dumps her?she will lose her self esteem and self respect..that’s terrible.

    If she wants out of the marriage coz she fell out of love with her husband so be it.If she is leaving the marriage just for this other guy “blindly” coz of some spark..it is tough.

    Everything in life is glittery until we get it.After that,boredom and other priorities..your sister after one or two years will lose spark with the second guy or lose the magic she felt.Then what?

    It is hard to find a good man these days.Her husband as you say seems nice but sexually inactive.

    First they can go for a vacation for some romantic location to create a spark again.Then try counseling..if nothing works..she has to go ahead with what she wants and Figure out if that’s what she actually wanted.

    What happens after that is her responsibility
     
  7. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    She says quite a lot.
    Shouldn't affairs-for-the-spark (different from affairs-of-the-heart) be like that tree falling in the forest ?

    "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
    is a philosophical thought experiment that raises questions regarding observation and perception.

    If the busy, businessman husband (also) knows about her affair, and is OK with it, all is vell, no? If he doesn't know about it, would someone else who knows about, tell him ?

    I was quite puzzled about "nothing to lose", especially when the OP says that "the cousin" in this discussion is financially taken care of by the husband, and totally controlled in every which way.

    The sparking man, if given to understand that he'd be taking over all her liabilities, as well as assets, would he continue to spark ? --- is the typical conundrum that makes all unhappily married, financially dependent, women stay within the marriage, and tough it out for a lifetime.

    Quite often there are children of the marriage (providing the sparks of affection) to drown the woman in chores of the household, and she'd have no time for outside sparklers, even if she hankers after it. In western countries, couples split up and get a divorce after their children leave home -- typically to go to college. In countries where divorce is a time consuming process, procedural complexity on top of mere inertia could make a unhappy couple "wait it out" to be single again.
     
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  8. MarriageCoach

    MarriageCoach New IL'ite

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    Dear KayaCholan,
    Has your sister ever defined what is being happy?
    Happiness is a very relative term. Again, happiness for one may not be exactly the same for other person.
    Both the partners in this marriage will have to introspect why your sister kept feeling 'Unhappy' for whole 15 years. Were there not happy periods at all? (In fact these happy periods can be good guide to gain happiness again) Can she explain what she means by 'Spark'. If she can define these terms, she can take informed decision about the relationship she expects from her new venture of an affair.
    Once she takes a decision, she can take an action.
    There is no such thing as being happy forever. What if she breaks the marriage, starts a new life and still remains unhappy from time to time?
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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  10. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear op

    Most of time the marriage looks rosy to outsiders only the couple knows what exactly is going on between them.

    These days with Facebook fancy updates people think other couple is lucky, very happy and things. Having a happy face outside doesn't mean they are really happy.

    Coming to your cousin matters I am sure she is not teenager falling for infatuation. But yes love can make anyone go blind and make mistakes at any age. You can only explain her and make her see that both her and her lover are in marriage and technically cheating the spouse. If this is what both really wants they should get divorced their respective spouse and marry to start new life.

    Whether new life is good decision, old devil is better than new god , or she is leaving a "good husband" and making mistake only time can tell.

    If you are really concerned just talk to her. If it's beyond that just hope vest for her.
     

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