Have I spoken something I shouldn't have??

asg ,

i agree 100 % with your previous post on why not girls parents are not given importance ....
when we live with our parents ( before marriage ) we would have thought of so many things , like to help them during their old age ..... which is not always possible
yes , its the Indian culture that dictates all this ...
which is really not good .


but because its no where her parents were involved , i have an opinion like that.

vimmy is sensible enough to solve things and also be careful in future if any thing goes wrong also ., not being compelled any time by the society

 

Economics is closely tied to family life.

In every society you need people to tend for the young and the old (75+). In the US, the government takes elder care off the hands of the younger generation. In India the practice is more social. So the oldest son was entrusted to tend to aging parents. Given that in the pre-industrial era, men used to be entrusted with earning, women were in charge of tending to the young and the old. The idea is that in each family, oldest son and dil will care for parents. I do know families where the girls mother lived with her daughters family if they did not have male progeny.

In US, family life is nationalized. Government picks the tab for social security and medicare and medicaid for older people. At present US is trillions in debt at the national level the average houses have negative savings.

If the government is unable to meet its social security requirements in the coming decades for the increasing number of baby boomers, the elderly parents will have to move in with kids of either gender(if kids take pity on them or feel affection for them). Any time an individual has to share space with someone else parents there will be frictions and adjustments with inlaws and spouse.

Of course the other option would be to admit in an old age home since not much is to be gained from someone elses aging parents (unless there is something substantial to be inherited) and it reduces privacy between spouses. Personally, I find this distasteful and ungrateful.

 

I just recalled one of my childhood friends whose parents stay with her. Her mother is paralyzed and both the dils refused to have them in their place. The dils talked the sons into putting them a in an old age home. The mil is paralyzed so its not like she can speak or nag or anything at the dils. The fil is also an innocuous uncle.

The married daughter discharged her parents from the old age home and now they are living with her and her family. They have a nurse that comes in daily to give bath etc.

 

We all understand that different families have different way of handling things. Just because someone followed one way , may not be applied to all.

Yes agreed Vimmys inlaws are super good and she can consider living with her inlaws down the line...however all we can do is suggest but cant judge or question her way of living life isnt it???

So why not wait for Vimmy to explain her thoughts on why she is not opting to live with inlaws? or is it over time it would be more clearer to make such decision?

 

ASG, I can understand what you are trying to say here. The whole entire mindset of our people needs to change to see what you are saying. I am quite optimistic that it will happen in the future but only if the mindset of people change not otherwise. However independent a woman becomes it doesn't matter if the society views her the same way they saw a woman 100yrs back.

Yeah, you are right. We have lot of double standards and let us admit that.
Because only if we admit, can we change them. Lets hope that day comes when all elders irrespective of whether girl's or boy's parents are respected equally.

 

Girls ( esp people who asked me where I am from), the beautiful place I am from is new delhi, that is where 90% of my circle of friends take care of their parents.

I am born and brought up in new delhi, I am proud of the fact that I respect elders and love them, I too get it from my younger cousins and juniors from my college who treat me with extreme respect, a feeling that makes my life fulfilling. I am not forced to respect anyone, I am straightforward person and I give respect to whoever deserves.


1. Is "taking care of parents" synonymous with "staying with parents"? [I meant taking care which means .. well most of you have really good english]

2. Some of you might have seen and suffered that women’s families are treated as second class citizens (and that’s the reason for so much bitterness in Indian culture , its system of respecting elders), but it doesn’t mean its rampant everywhere.
I really don’t know any of my friends whose ILs/ DH treat their DIL/wives family as second class, respect is given and that’s why they get it too…respecting elders is a big thing, it’s a beautiful and pious gesture, it makes one feel appreciated and it generally comes from heart.
I agree that it is a compulsion for most of the families in india, but things are changing. If you don’t like touching feet of some elders, don’t do it and don’t care if they backstab you/talk bad about you, don’t put so much negativity in heart and don’t generalize the Indian system of respecting elders as fake!

Anyways, Why is everybody talking about vimmy’s parents staying with her when she herself has no problem with it?

And in case thats an issue ( imaginary one so far ) who is asking her NOT to bring them in her home? Why is the feminist stuff taking over the whole thread?

ASG, how can you compare ‘ILs staying with son’s family” with some tom-dick-harry’s desire to stay in a royal palace? Huh….. that’s really off the hook apart from many other things…

And I wanted to say you that whatever you assumed (that girls and boys families are to be treated equally)- that positive thing does exist in our society- it might be that you have had bad luck in having such ILs …..but that doesn’t mean the whole Indian system is fake… You are missing out a big thing by thinking so....

Lets don’t generalize!

 

Actually, I know of quite few girls whose parents visit and stay with them more often and for longer duration than the boys parents.

 

Here is what I have to say to those who have been complaining that there is favouritism going on!

It doesnt matter who diverted the thread/ who said what to whom, it would help everyone if we csn ignore the diverted points and stick to the topic. Now coming to answering each other and picking each others posts, If we do it just because someone did it..where will this end?

If something was way too out of context please report it instead of taking it personal and jumping onto answering each other...with all this the thread would be chaotic and OP would feel lost and confused.

I did wait for each of you to get back to OPs question/ issue .....some of you did get back to the OPs issue and some were merely trying to post just to answer other posters, so I had to take action by removing the posts. There is nothing personal or against to anyone in particular here.

 

Thanks Srividya for posting this message


But I have one thing to say:

If you are posting a moderator comment on one person's profile saying that the person deviated, please do so on every person's profile who did it because if you dont then it is seen clearly as a bias and that definitely
1) brings down the morale of some of the people here and leads to bitterness 2) leads to distrust on such forums on which we rely to express/share/get advices and help each other.

Sometimes, it becomes necessary to comment on a specific persons's shocking comments and I guess that is why people here tend to address then each other... of course, your point is well taken that if that continues then it wud be chaos....

Thanks!

 

Mihisha

There is totally no bias on this forum or else we wouldnt have been here. This has been told several times by several moderators . Its natural to feel offended when our posts are edited/deleted and not someone elses'. So instead of getting onto this one on one game, rather if we control ourselves and stick to OPs issue at hand and ignore all the unnecessary posts, we would keep the thread focussed and also help OP motivated to come back and post her updates.

Coming to answering each other on shocking comments, You can see in the thread that there was a good wait time, before I had taken any action. Yes we all can discuss and brainstorm, but the moment it gets more focussed on answering only one person...other than OP, the result is thread has been diverted. If you think someone is deliberately picking only your posts, you can always report it out rather than answering them back at the expense of OPs thread.

So lets not drag this diversion anymore....and get back to OPs thread.
Thanks again to everyone for their cooperation.

Please do report out anything if you want discuss instead of prolonging this discussion further.Lets not divert OPs thread further

Vimmy- I am closing this thread as the discussion is turning to a new direction which wouldnt help anyone here and also I hope you got good responses for your initial post.