Harmless Flirting Vs Harassment..

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Jan 24, 2023.

  1. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    do not feel ashamed or anything. if this happened to me even with so much work experience. my heart will be raising and beating like anything.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika. It is not normal , especially in USA or acceptable.That guy is testing waters. If is he sending texts, block his number. If he touch, say NO. Say NO to selfies. Be very professional and firm. Show displeasure in whatever way you can. He is a pervert even though he is projecting good image. He dont know how to respect others. You have every right to demand respect. Obviously, you have an uncomfortable situation. Maintain distance.
    You have only three options , report it, leave that job or face it and set boundary.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2023
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm true..I have few options like mentioned above to deal with this..

    Just that..it is so frustrating that someone cant work in peace.

    On a lighter note..I just had a big tub of icecream.Screwed up my diet but its okay it is okay i guess.I needed some comfort food.:neutral: cant think anymore.I am just going to sleep and put off things until morning.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If you do decide to quit, do it in style. : ) Have some fun before that. Have your husband drop by your office a few times. He can get you flowers couple of times. Maybe one time after a lunch out, he can walk you to your cubicle or work area, and "look" around at your colleagues. Maybe he can extend a hearty man to man handshake to the clueless ones.

    At an office with no HR to speak of it should be fairly easy to sign in a guest and bring them to your work area briefly.
     
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  5. Marun

    Marun Platinum IL'ite

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    I just read the whole thread and sad to know all these are happening around you.

    I look it in 2 perceptions and this is what I feel like. Firstly, that guy is a pervert. when other women say he is such a nice guy, Its all ********. As a guy, I personally know how one would behave from person to person. She could be his best friend for a long time. That does not mean that he can take selfie with you putting his hands on your shoulder in workplace. Not anywhere in world its considered as so friendly. You could be new to the workplace so he is kind of trying to play it nice. Some women are indeed okay with Harmless flirt as far as I know but not inside the workplace and on top of that they know where their limits are.

    May be you should set your line of limit in here. I would suggest you to re-iterate your good times you have or had or about to have with your husband/BF whenever they approach you to appreciate or when they come over to take a selfie or no matter what. you keep talking about your partner. For ex: my partner would not love selfies and we both have many such common interests. if you keep doing such talks pressing on your partner in an assertive way, those insane guys will understand that you have some serious thing with someone and no more interested in talking to them other than work. They will move away eventually. my 2 cents.
     
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  6. godsgp

    godsgp Silver IL'ite

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    OP
    Everyone here has offered sound advice about what is and is not acceptable at work.
    Sometimes our submissive nature /body language encourages people who by nature are predatory.
    It's alright to start looking for new jobs ,but it's also imperative to start developing a new attitude.
    If this job suits you on all other measures why change the job,try to change the situation by drawing boundaries and a change in attitude.
    A bit of cold shoulder helps deal with many such people.

    Don't beat yourself about this.
    We all evolve.
    This experience will help you become a stronger and more practical person.
     
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  7. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    If you are not comfortable with anything just say NO.if you are soft spoken or your body language is way too soft feminine type some perverts think they can take advantage. If somebody is pulling a chair towards you push your chair back and say you feel claustrophobic if people are too close to you.if they take selfies tell them you hate selfies .say no everytime .
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    .
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2023
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987 - Sexual harassment happens when the perpetrator knows he has the victim cornered. Most victims are selected based on the fact that they cannot retaliate. Most are not the only ones in the organization but picked because the aggressor knows they’ve got something over them. Most are those who cannot leave because it’s important for their careers or livelihood or something else. Most perpetrators are in a position of power and know it. Unfortunately, you are probably the only woman there who is getting back after a break, who has the need for the experience and this man knows it.

    Perpetrators don’t start big. They start with little things to make the victim uncomfortable. They slowly increase their abuse over time. It starts with what seems harmless to others but this perp knows that it isn’t harmless to this particular victim. He does it anyway. Slowly he escalates things.

    It’s not ok even if your friend, the Caucasian woman or someone else is completely fine with it. As long as you are not ok it is sexual harassment. Call it what it is first. It is serious. Don’t second guess yourself and wonder if you are sensitive while others are not. That is the point of the abuser. He ensures that others don’t seem to be bothered by it to make it your problem. He’s victimizing the victim here and he knows exactly what he is doing.

    He also knows he will get away with this. He knows the lack of HR or policy is in his favor. He’s probably done this before. This is definitely not his first time.

    Know that this is him not you. It’s his fault not yours. You are the victim here. This isn’t because you aren’t more assertive or drawing firm boundaries or timid. This is completely him. And no you are not imagining it all up.

    Get out while you still can. You are in over your head here. I think the time has passed for any sort of fixes in this job.

    It is infuriating to think that a returning woman has to deal with this nonsense. I feel for you.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks laks..

    I didn’t have a good sleep yesterday.I was so unaware of what sexual harassment “actually “ is and was in a confused state.

    I did not like it when he touched me one bit.It was casual in the elbow to come close for a selfie.

    I know these days hugs and touching between men and woman are casual but I did not like it even casually when this guy did it to me.


    I hate it when other men and women in the office also diss it off as something normal.The previous women in this office were totally okay with this and he showed me pics of them hugging him etc.They were Indian women and I again got confused that it is me who is conservative if these women allowed it.


    However the comments like hot didn’t seem right..calling someone they look good once in a while casually is okay but the word “hot”.. I don’t know if am Overreacting..


    Until I was unaware I was okay but now I feel disturbed..

    I am so angry at myself for allowing this..I am so bloody angry.This is exactly why people take advantage..just like those toxic Relatives.

    I wish I had some courage and not be so soft spoken.Iam unfit to live in this world this way..
     

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