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giving your laziness a good name “Depression”

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by creeper, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. creeper

    creeper Senior IL'ite

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    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CHAFSAS%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="country-region"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:ApplyBreakingRules/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:UseFELayout/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:SimSun; panose-1:2 1 6 0 3 1 1 1 1 1; mso-font-alt:宋体; mso-font-charset:134; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 680460288 22 0 262145 0;} @font-face {font-family:"\@SimSun"; panose-1:2 1 6 0 3 1 1 1 1 1; mso-font-charset:134; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 680460288 22 0 262145 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:SimSun;} @page Section1 {size:595.3pt 841.9pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:35.4pt; mso-footer-margin:35.4pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> Hello all,

    Its been a long time posting here as i am busy in new country. We have been here for 4 months. Straight to the point.
    Me and my DH used to work in IT (I stopped working after marriage, i.e. 2 years). One year back my DH went to US on H1 and due to recession he couldn't find long term projects, so he returned back to <st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region> and after that we planned to move to <st1:country-region><st1:place>Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region> for the first time. After coming here we found that IT market is as tight as in <st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region> and US. My DH simply changed his field from IT to normal admin related work which is a nice decent cool job (A bit low salaried than the IT Field but no tensions and late night works). And he wants me to try in to IT field. I too tried to get into IT but I dunno y I couldn't. May be I am out of touch with subject and I am a bit tensed to face the interviews. I tried a lot to come over the fear of interview but I failed. Before also I tried for IT jobs and I couldn't succeed and after that due to this recession the job postings were nearly nil.
    Now the situation is, my DH is blaming that I couldn't get in to IT job when market was good and I wasted time with fear of facing interview. He is blaming that due to one salary our lifestyle is being affected. In between he used to be very moody, when I tried to comfort him, he blames me for not getting in to job and says it made him tensed(at that time he is also jobless) and says that everything is connected with money and being a girl I am not able to understand that. If I say I understand that point, flash comes his words “ then get a job and prove that”.

    If i say i too want to shift my career in to another field. he says soo many excuses.

    Due to these conflicts our relation was on rocks. He relates everything in our life with my job – the happiness, the conflicts with my MIL, my health, his health, what not ….
    Due to all this I was really frustrated, but then I never raised my voice. Whenever he is frustrated with his situation my DH used to pour it out on me. But even once if I raise my voice or say anything logical he gets more frustrated. Thinking of all these I am getting serious headaches and was feeling very lonely and feel like crying and all.
    One day on tele I saw an ad regarding Depression and its symptoms . I directly went to their site and there they gave a questionnaire , which I answered and the result came that I am in depression and says I need to consult a GP. That evening I am just saying it to my DH the same. He simply said “U do nothing and u say that u r depressed, what will u be facing if u do something useful. What makes you soo depressed ???sitting at home all day doing nothing???U are giving your laziness a good name “Depression””
    I was just shocked to hear his reaction. Yah I know I failed to get a job. Due to this our financial position is a bit tightened, but does he need to be soo rude to me??
    If I want to sit at home y would I feel bad for not getting a job ?
    He always says that all the household chores I do daily - it is my duty(wife’s duties).
    What if I say that earning is a man’s duty and he can’t blame his wife for financial crisis??? God … He is saying that He married me over her mother choice of girls (ours is inter religion love marriage)because I am educated and he believed that I would support him financially. What about all the love he showered at that time ??
    He used to say I am veryu innocent and now he says that is not innocence , it is my dumbness.

    I can’t talk these issues to anyone. And if I don’t open myself to anyone I would burst oneday…
    I know the only way out of this situation and saving my relation is to get a job. I am trying very hard to find one.
    Sorry for a long post. I just want to vent out my inner feeling here.
    Thank you all for listening. Thank you soo much. I feel better.
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Creeper listening to all this .. any sane person will get into depression.
    When we get a job is matter of time & being in right place at right time & being interviewed with the right person.

    Tell him polietly that you need a moral boost to get out of this negative phase & only he can assist in you finding a job by remaining positive & trusting your skills.
    Also that if living standard is the only issue then he shud let you start with any job that comes your way & not necessarily IT. That you shall keep looking for an IT job. Don't mention abu career switch.

    Now with recessionary phase getting over you have chances of getting a nice job.. .however you need to be in good spirit b4 you attend any interview. What I feel is that he's resenting not being in IT & he wants you to try your luck to get into IT & then find a place for him too.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    creeper
    did your dh discuss about you working after marriage before you got marrired?
    in todays world i belive if one in a family earns big money will be good else both should be working to get a better life and give better life ti kids in future
    BUT when you tried and failed i guess your dh should support you and understand your situation
    even he was jobless for a while..so he should undertsand your situation
    i guess may be he has some serious financial stress that he is taking out on you
    tell him you are trying and show you are giving your best
    take a couple of months time and brush basics
    if you are okay in working from home look for some gud oppurtunities
    dont loose hope dear
    have patience and be brave
    ignore all his nasty comments
    you prove yourself soon and his mouth will be shut
     
  4. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Creeper,
    It looks like your husband is frustrated more than you that you have not got a job. What he said is rude indeed. He should be more caring towards you. Not many people who deserve a job get one nowadays. You are not at fault. The job market will certainly improve. One day, sooner or later, you will land a job. Do not worry. Until then, keep yourself occupied. If possible, register for some (online) course, do some certification, or something like that, which will better your chances of landing a job.

    It is very shocking and sad when your loved husband speaks such stinging words to you. The honeymoon phase of your marriage is over; he starts finding faults in you more often than praising you or cajoling you. You are not alone, Creeper. I guess it happens in many marriages. We have to learn to accept that, not brood over what they say. Try to get over what he says. May be he had a bad day and is just venting it on you... If he keeps saying things like that, just give a curt reply. Do not remain silent every time. He must know that he is hurting you. :spin
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  5. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel instead of defending yourself and arguing about the difference between depression and laziness, why dont you study PG / some course or get a job (whether IT or non IT) and prove him that you are not lazy.

    Action always speaks better than words.
     
  6. creeper

    creeper Senior IL'ite

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    thank you shilpamaa,lavii,sandu and rosegirl for your replies..

    Hi shilpama,… I tooo say I need some moral boosting, He says that he is supporting me a lot and no one else can do mare than that. You are right “ When we get a job is matter of time & being in right place at right time & being interviewed with the right person.” I am trying my best to be in good mood always, even if I get aggressive or mad at what he says, I am trying to cool myself with in secs and not to make the situations worst ….
    I dunno his ideas.. but definitely I can say he is resenting for not being in IT.

    Hi lavii,
    Yes, DH did discuss about my working after marriage.We thought if both of us could find nice jobs life will be more easy. Yah he is also job less for somedays. Even then he says “ if you got a job at that time i would be tension free and I would have found a new job with ease and peace”
    My DH dream is to send big amounts of money to his parents(my FIL gets pension and he got shares , but my FIL got soo many responsibiltities which my DH want to take in to his account and all are related to loads and loads of bucks) which he is not able to do right now. That might be the reason for his frustration.
    Sitting at home I am brushing my skills..and preparing myself for good oopurtunities.

    Hi sandu, u r correct. My DH is more frustrated than me. What elders say is that when we are in odd times only we should keep control on ownself. What if I too loose control on myself? For this they say a woman should have more patience. Goddamn this statement. I too believe that one day this IT market gets better. And I am preparing myself for that. But doing something which involves money is not possible for me i.e. doing any course.
    It is really shocking for me to hear such words from my DH. So to get over this situation I am keeping occupied my doing house hold works and going out for walks and doing yoga. Even he knows he is hurting me, now a days he is not in a mood to say sorry or comfort me. So no meaning to tell him that I am hurt.


    Hi rosegirl.. doing PG or some other course will also cost me something which I don’t have any. So doing a course is out of focus. He strongly says that only IT job will prove my worth.

    once again thats for all..
     
  7. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    read your post, I feel very sorry for you since you have to undergo this for no fault of yours.

    Yes this is the reccession period and this phase is be faced throught the world, and he hurrying for job is baseless.

    Since he is earning, you can take your own time in hunting for job, but that doesnt mean you are dump and good for nothing. I know how it hurts when your own DH calls you worthless.

    Is only money everything in life???? Hope you DH realizes that people with low income also lead a very happy life.
     
  8. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Creeper,

    Read through your story. you ppl had been facing tough times and tough tides.Its all a result of a frustration about financial cruch and a tension that arises out of the fear of unable to manage it.

    Depression is a state of mind. Dont think of it as a disease that needs to treatment. Because this very thinking would aggravate depression.Keep yourself engaged that is the best medicine for that.

    Be it whatever that you myt have discussed with ur DH before marriage. Now there is a necessity for money and i gues ther is no harm in u helping the famaily ( i mean u two - its ur life). .

    Regarding giving money to ur inlaws, u can clearly talk this out with ur husband. Ask him to commit in to a house /flat. It is the best ways to save money than letting it get spent without notice.Have u stopped working to stop ur DH financially helping ur InLaws? If so then you are wrong my dear

    Ur husband is talking out of tensions and mental fears. Come on dear being better half we need to understand and support them.I dont mean to say that he is doing the right thing. But, do not retort back.

    For this they say a woman should have more patience. Goddamn this statement.

    May be its all bull****. But at such situations when we ladies - the indirect ad moral support of our families lose hope and interest and patience.. then everything would go shambles dear.

    Men are mostly driven by hormones. Its their nature. Please dont mistake me. Its scientific. I am not trying to support any age old theory here.

    Women are more mentally strong and can keep calm amidst a variety of bothering issues.

    Keep ur cool and try to get into some job be it IT/ non-IT and. you would also feel better and the home condition will also improve

    Once everything is alright ur DH would be back to normal . You can talk to him then explaining everything and how it would hurt / affect you when his behaviour changes in tough tides like this.

    Dont come up with " why should i only bear with him?" kind of questions of feelings. WEdlock is a beautiful relationship where in we join hands with our partners to support and share and giude each other throughout the journey of life.

    Trust me when u do this now, Your husband would take responsibility when his turn comes. Dont Take all his words as serious. Its true that we shoot up some words without thinking about the effects it would have on the opponent.But husband and wife are two sides of a coin and not to be seen as rivals.

    Every thing would b alright. Take Care.
     
  9. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Creeper,
    You just cannot go into depression if you do not desire that. So, it is all in your hands now. Chin up and face the world. For now, forget what your husband says. As long as you keep thinking of that, you will feel miserable. Imagine that he is saying that to some one else! Just dont pay attention! Focus on household work. If enrolling in a course is a problem, try some other ways to increase your knowledge, for eg., by following free webinars or reading free course material. You may volunteer to do some website work or something like that for a local association. Make more friends and try not to be alone and idle at home at any cost.

    Good luck! This time will surely pass.
    Sandhya
     
  10. Independentgirl

    Independentgirl New IL'ite

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    Creeper,

    You are not alone as i am also sailing in the same boat as you are, difference is that mine is arrange marriage.

    Right now we r ttcing and now the finances have taking a mojor toll on our life and my husband says if i were working then it could have been very easier to pay for ttc treatment in UK.

    But i cant conentrate on anything and im getting very much worried about the job and ttc.

    But now i have made out my mind and trying to concentrate on finding a job and applying but again inbetwween i have to go back to india for treatment and after 1 or 2 months again i have to come back here and again i'll be distracted.

    Like as your husabnd even my husband doesn't allow me to look for non-IT jobs but i dont understand y these guys behave like this.


    Dont know what i can advise but i can say please dont be sad or depresses as you have a previous It exp and brush up your skills and u'll get online study materials and go out and look for any voluntary IT work or any other field if ur interested.

    Make up your mind and try to keep yourself busy and ignore the comments.


    Be happy and keep smiling...:)

    Thanks,

    Independent Girl.
     

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