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Getting Married - Needing Positive Advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by VandhenaKrish, Oct 27, 2014.

  1. VandhenaKrish

    VandhenaKrish Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies ,


    Very happy to meet you all through Indus Ladies :wave. I am from Chennai , working in IT company . Good pay great life . But I am entering into a very important stage of my life... Marriage!!!


    Yes I am getting married on Dec 10th , 2014 and it is a love cum arranged one . My guy is from Salem and I did study till college and then migrated to Chennai though my birth place is Chennai . All relatives are here in Chennai and my mom as well . Ours is seven years luv story . We both met in college and fell in love on eavh other and till now the journey continues ...


    He was also working on IT and this month only he quit his job and went to his hometown to look after his father's business since his dad passed away last year . They have a very reputed and high yielding business which has good scope and he could not close it and work here for monthy salary since they have good returns on business itself .. About my guy , he is a very cool and caring guy:kiss. Very nice person who takes care of me , my mom till date with whole heart .


    About me , I am running my family since 3 years since my sweet awesome dad had passed away in 2011 . I miss him each and every moment . I have been responsible , independent , bread winner of my family and single earning person in my family which consists of me , mom and grand dad .


    Now the problem within me is coming to the picture


    We really strived a lot when both of our dads passed away and luckily without any big issues , our super cool moms have agreed to our wedding ..Yes , I am very happy about it . But only now I do see many issues which are not at all a problem for anyone even for my mom , my guy & my MIL . I am a brahmin - Iyengar and a pure core vegetarian and he is a non vegetarian , not a brahmin . So MIL has asked my guy to construct a seperate kitchen in the first floor of our house and all vessels will be mine which will be taken by me . She is so adjustiing and give importance to my feel and so is my guy .


    But sometimes few things hurt me so much and I suddenly feel like calling off or something like that


    1. FIrst & Foremost , I cant even think of my kids eating non veg food :roll:
    2. They speak kannada but their tamil is common tamil ( obviously not brahmin tamil ) but sometimes that slang irritates me I often insist him to talk in our slang . I know it's really bad but I feel great if he talks like me . :|
    3. I really dont want my kids to talk in tamil at all . O/w they will be treated in a diff way amidst my amma side people and their kids .
    4.I need to quit my job and have to settle down over there and should leave city life and IT world . My MIL and my guy have given me full freedom to take the business or to start any new business or even to work there but I don know how much I could accustom over there .



    I know how bad my thinkings are but I don't know the way to take these easily. My mom , sister and all are like super cool and they dont even worry about all these . Infact they like my guy so much .


    These many years I never felt like this but as soon as my wedding got fixed , I really started to think abt these differences and all .. Ladies , Please gimme positive advice and help me to change my attitude . I had even discussed about these to him and he is really giving me advice about the practicality console1. I know I am gifted to get him but something strikes me very bad . Help ladies
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
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  2. Pallavi4me

    Pallavi4me Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, you know what you were entering into. Now, thinking about non-veg & slang seems very immature to me. I don't think these have to be major concerns for you given no others issues are there.

    And regarding Kids eating non-veg, even if someone is brought-up in vegetarian background and family, after certain age it all depends on the individual & tastes to be vegetarian / non-vegetarian. I know many people who are brahmins and like non-veg. What I mean is its upto your kids, you cant mould their tastes and worry about it.

    And regarding slang, if I'm in your fiance's place I would be offended very much. Can't you accept him as he is? As you are habituated into one slang till now, he is also having his own background w r t language. That should not be an issue. And in future, if some treats differently your spouse & kids that's their character. When you don't respect his background how can you expect your family treat them same? I'm a half-Tam brahm. I don't know the Brahmin slang fully, no one in my extended family bothers about it. If someone treats me less because of that, I don't care.

    Hope, I'm making sense. Other issues regarding your career you should have thought earlier or even now you should think what suits for you and plan on how to adopt for these changes after marriage.
     
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  3. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    VK - P4 has covered almost all of it.

    You don't want your kids to talk in Tamil at all - that one to me is ridiculous.

    7 years you are in a relationship/love and all your problems are just surfacing now - if you want to call it off - it's your foolishness, given the background that he and his family are nice people.

    You don't want to quit your job, city life it seems - then all these years you were using him to your benefit, simple as that.

    Hey I am harsh I know but not harsher than your wild thoughts. If you didn't like what I said, do ignore as you would ignore him if you chose to.

    Positive advise is what you asked and my negative one will depict the positive to you. All the best.
     
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  4. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Regarding children you always have to keep in mind that you need to respect the childs other parents views and you have to make compromises. If you are veg and your husband non-veg you have to agree what the children will eat and later the children will themselves their own decisions. Regarding language it is important that you speak your native language with your child. It sounded a bit rude to critisize your husband-to-be for his language/accent.

    What are your plans for your career? Staying at home is a good option when having small children but the kids are not yet there/will not be small forever. What kind of opportunities do you have at your husband-to-bes place?
     
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  5. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Op you have got so many cool people ( cool dads, mil's) and you are being totally uncool. Your parents and your tooB's parents are ok with you falling in love and getting married so some one who is not familiar with customs and language. But you want to put so much pressure on your children ( who are not even here at the moment) about what they eat and how they talk. Amazing, you want all the freedom to do what you want and they can't even eat what they want. hypocritical much ?
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Learn to respect people who are different from you.
    Learn to respect people from other castes.
    Learn to respect people with different eating habits.
    Learn to respect people who speak different languages from yours.
    Learn to accept that you alone can neither make children ....nor bring them up.You need another person and the other person also has a mind .
    Learn to accept the the children have a right to chose eating habits and what language they express them selves in.

    Finally sit down and think about the people in your life.You will realize that you are not all that special .Your being a Brahmin or vegetarian or kannada hasn't prevented you from being the only small minded petty person in the group.Your mil and mother who are from a generation before you,are far more broad minded and cultured than you.Get over yourself dear.....seriously.
     
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  7. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    as YM stated...

    you need to get down your HIGH horse attitude that eating non veg, or not talking in tamil in ur slang makes them inferior...

    wat happens if he comes and treats u the same way... wat happens if every one around u starts complaining about ur language or slang or opinion...

    learn to respect him, his language, his food habits and everything else.. bcos the moment he realizes u dont respect him or his family, he might loose the love he has for u... so be prepared for that....


    and there are 7 billion people on this planet... many of them consume non veg and eating non veg doesnt make all of them criminals or bad people... if he is eating non veg, he might want to have his kids eat also eat that... they are HIS kids also.. not ONLY "ur kids"./...

    if u cannot accept that i would recommend u break the relation ship.. if u cannot respect or tolerate others u don't deserve to be part of their family and enjoy their love..

    AND one more thing.. if u feel that all his behavior is inferior and he eats non veg.. y did fall in LOVE with him? is it convenience as long as it is a NEED for u.. or is it true love?

    his family and him are a gem ... so dont spoil it with ur ego..

    and if u love him so much as u say, u need to cook non veg and serve them,.... u shud try it... it will push u to ur limits and then u will realize how insensitive u r at complaining about his habits...
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
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  8. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    I think you are very fortunate to have this life. And your thinking is showing that you are very selfish. Be a sport and accept this life kindheartedly. I have seen brahmins eating non veg. All these are just your mindset.

    Wish you a happy married life. All the best!
     
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  9. hasita

    hasita Bronze IL'ite

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    hi VK,
    Very good points by each one before me.
    But then again, gals, please give VK some leeway..

    She is voicing her doubts and at the same time wants some sincere advise, also knows her attitude needs changing.
    You all have surely hit the nail on the head.

    I am in agreement with all of them, VK. Only felt it to be a bit too much of bashing on you.

    So -
    Just suppose you look at this from a "further down the road" perspective. (maybe then you will realize ** and appreciate ** the current situation better).

    Suppose you take the extreme step and call off the marriage due to your fears.
    Apart from all the repercussions to all those directly affected, tomorrow if you find a person and family who may not be so broad-minded, so 'cool' and loving, so ready to adjust for your sake (usually it is the girl who has to do most of the adjusting, believe you me!), then what?!

    How would that make you feel then about this relationship that you might've given a miss?

    Would you regret it then or ...?

    Give it a deep thought just for your own sake so you can proceed comfortably with this relationship and take it to the next level with a sure and certain mind.
    You owe it to yourself, your husband-to-be, your and his parents, family.

    best,
    Hasita
     
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  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Sounds to me like typical pre-wedding jitters. you've got a lot of excellent advice here. As you know stopping your wedding or being offensive towards your fiancé's customs and language isn't the solution.

    My husband's and my families are vegetarian. However we decided to let our little one choose as we didn't want her having any hang ups. She chose to be a vegetarian for about 6 months when she was around two. Then she reverted to demanding chicken and fish when we went out. I still can't stomach cutting up meat or chicken for her. My husband does the job while I sit further away. Regardless of what she eats, she is my child. And as long as she is eating healthy food, I'm happy - I'd rather have her eating grilled chicken than French fries...

    I do not like my husband's dialect and he doesn't like mine either. Let me tell you I tried speaking in my husband's dialect initially - It and other similar little things left me feeling so insulted and resentful that within a few months of marriage I was ready to bid good bye. Until we learnt to accept each other as we were, we didn't get anywhere. I sincerely suggest that you stop forcing him to change as though there is something "wrong" which needs "correcting"

    I really did think about not teaching our children our mother tongue too. However when our DD was born, we settled upon teaching her a neutral dialect. Turns out she speaks in a mix of both our dialects. Also believe me when I say this - both sets of parents used to not like each other's dialects. when it came to their grand daughter though, they love her no mater what. Same goes with all the relatives on either side. They shower their love and affection upon her however she speaks. It is really a nonissue

    Your last problem is something which only you and your fiancé can figure out. It is a big change, yes. However it isn't a deal breaker from where I see it. Discuss about what other options you folks have...
     
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