Getting Married - Needing Positive Advice

OP, you know what you were entering into. Now, thinking about non-veg & slang seems very immature to me. I don't think these have to be major concerns for you given no others issues are there.

And regarding Kids eating non-veg, even if someone is brought-up in vegetarian background and family, after certain age it all depends on the individual & tastes to be vegetarian / non-vegetarian. I know many people who are brahmins and like non-veg. What I mean is its upto your kids, you cant mould their tastes and worry about it.

And regarding slang, if I'm in your fiance's place I would be offended very much. Can't you accept him as he is? As you are habituated into one slang till now, he is also having his own background w r t language. That should not be an issue. And in future, if some treats differently your spouse & kids that's their character. When you don't respect his background how can you expect your family treat them same? I'm a half-Tam brahm. I don't know the Brahmin slang fully, no one in my extended family bothers about it. If someone treats me less because of that, I don't care.

Hope, I'm making sense. Other issues regarding your career you should have thought earlier or even now you should think what suits for you and plan on how to adopt for these changes after marriage.

 

VK - P4 has covered almost all of it.

You don't want your kids to talk in Tamil at all - that one to me is ridiculous.

7 years you are in a relationship/love and all your problems are just surfacing now - if you want to call it off - it's your foolishness, given the background that he and his family are nice people.

You don't want to quit your job, city life it seems - then all these years you were using him to your benefit, simple as that.

Hey I am harsh I know but not harsher than your wild thoughts. If you didn't like what I said, do ignore as you would ignore him if you chose to.

Positive advise is what you asked and my negative one will depict the positive to you. All the best.

 

Regarding children you always have to keep in mind that you need to respect the childs other parents views and you have to make compromises. If you are veg and your husband non-veg you have to agree what the children will eat and later the children will themselves their own decisions. Regarding language it is important that you speak your native language with your child. It sounded a bit rude to critisize your husband-to-be for his language/accent.

What are your plans for your career? Staying at home is a good option when having small children but the kids are not yet there/will not be small forever. What kind of opportunities do you have at your husband-to-bes place?

 

Op you have got so many cool people ( cool dads, mil's) and you are being totally uncool. Your parents and your tooB's parents are ok with you falling in love and getting married so some one who is not familiar with customs and language. But you want to put so much pressure on your children ( who are not even here at the moment) about what they eat and how they talk. Amazing, you want all the freedom to do what you want and they can't even eat what they want. hypocritical much ?

 

Learn to respect people who are different from you.
Learn to respect people from other castes.
Learn to respect people with different eating habits.
Learn to respect people who speak different languages from yours.
Learn to accept that you alone can neither make children ....nor bring them up.You need another person and the other person also has a mind .
Learn to accept the the children have a right to chose eating habits and what language they express them selves in.

Finally sit down and think about the people in your life.You will realize that you are not all that special .Your being a Brahmin or vegetarian or kannada hasn't prevented you from being the only small minded petty person in the group.Your mil and mother who are from a generation before you,are far more broad minded and cultured than you.Get over yourself dear.....seriously.

 

as YM stated...

you need to get down your HIGH horse attitude that eating non veg, or not talking in tamil in ur slang makes them inferior...

wat happens if he comes and treats u the same way... wat happens if every one around u starts complaining about ur language or slang or opinion...

learn to respect him, his language, his food habits and everything else.. bcos the moment he realizes u dont respect him or his family, he might loose the love he has for u... so be prepared for that....


and there are 7 billion people on this planet... many of them consume non veg and eating non veg doesnt make all of them criminals or bad people... if he is eating non veg, he might want to have his kids eat also eat that... they are HIS kids also.. not ONLY "ur kids"./...

if u cannot accept that i would recommend u break the relation ship.. if u cannot respect or tolerate others u don't deserve to be part of their family and enjoy their love..

AND one more thing.. if u feel that all his behavior is inferior and he eats non veg.. y did fall in LOVE with him? is it convenience as long as it is a NEED for u.. or is it true love?

his family and him are a gem ... so dont spoil it with ur ego..

and if u love him so much as u say, u need to cook non veg and serve them,.... u shud try it... it will push u to ur limits and then u will realize how insensitive u r at complaining about his habits...

 

Dear Op,
I think you are very fortunate to have this life. And your thinking is showing that you are very selfish. Be a sport and accept this life kindheartedly. I have seen brahmins eating non veg. All these are just your mindset.

Wish you a happy married life. All the best!

 

hi VK,
Very good points by each one before me.
But then again, gals, please give VK some leeway..

She is voicing her doubts and at the same time wants some sincere advise, also knows her attitude needs changing.
You all have surely hit the nail on the head.

I am in agreement with all of them, VK. Only felt it to be a bit too much of bashing on you.

So -
Just suppose you look at this from a "further down the road" perspective. (maybe then you will realize ** and appreciate ** the current situation better).

Suppose you take the extreme step and call off the marriage due to your fears.
Apart from all the repercussions to all those directly affected, tomorrow if you find a person and family who may not be so broad-minded, so 'cool' and loving, so ready to adjust for your sake (usually it is the girl who has to do most of the adjusting, believe you me!), then what?!

How would that make you feel then about this relationship that you might've given a miss?

Would you regret it then or ...?

Give it a deep thought just for your own sake so you can proceed comfortably with this relationship and take it to the next level with a sure and certain mind.
You owe it to yourself, your husband-to-be, your and his parents, family.

best,
Hasita

 

Sounds to me like typical pre-wedding jitters. you've got a lot of excellent advice here. As you know stopping your wedding or being offensive towards your fiancé's customs and language isn't the solution.

My husband's and my families are vegetarian. However we decided to let our little one choose as we didn't want her having any hang ups. She chose to be a vegetarian for about 6 months when she was around two. Then she reverted to demanding chicken and fish when we went out. I still can't stomach cutting up meat or chicken for her. My husband does the job while I sit further away. Regardless of what she eats, she is my child. And as long as she is eating healthy food, I'm happy - I'd rather have her eating grilled chicken than French fries...

I do not like my husband's dialect and he doesn't like mine either. Let me tell you I tried speaking in my husband's dialect initially - It and other similar little things left me feeling so insulted and resentful that within a few months of marriage I was ready to bid good bye. Until we learnt to accept each other as we were, we didn't get anywhere. I sincerely suggest that you stop forcing him to change as though there is something "wrong" which needs "correcting"

I really did think about not teaching our children our mother tongue too. However when our DD was born, we settled upon teaching her a neutral dialect. Turns out she speaks in a mix of both our dialects. Also believe me when I say this - both sets of parents used to not like each other's dialects. when it came to their grand daughter though, they love her no mater what. Same goes with all the relatives on either side. They shower their love and affection upon her however she speaks. It is really a nonissue

Your last problem is something which only you and your fiancé can figure out. It is a big change, yes. However it isn't a deal breaker from where I see it. Discuss about what other options you folks have...