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Getting Bad Dil Tag Repeatedly

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Sep 25, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I really miss those days of staying in nuclear setup when I could do what I wanted an had freedom in personal life and domestic matters too..now that inlaws are staying long duration many things are not to my liking apart from loss of privacy..that is, frequent visitors , running errands on weekends, no me time etc..
    Recently I was unable to attend a family function which was in different city.. reason for that is a different story..they all gave me big lecture about how I'm not mixing with family and relatives and not respecting elders etc..my husband didnt talk to me for several days..they attended ..I.dont think it was necessary for me to attend..so many other relatives especially working relatives didnt attend too but no one criticized them..first time I got bad DIL tag was when I missed family functions..
    Off late too many guests have been coming.. many times for lunch or evening time and few elderly relatives came to stay also..for longer durations..
    It's taken a major toll on my well being and my me time...really fed up of preparation of three or four meals a day..or even assisting MIL in kitchen while she prepared and washing vessels that she puts..full heap of vessels.. 3-4 sink worth of vessels per day..cleaning and arranging kitchen multiple times a day after extreme messy and chaotic condition....washing endless milk and curd vessels. Tea mugs, chai bartans etc...listening to maid tantrums everyday as to how much work she has to do for this salary and how many people are there at home, pay extra etc. ..because when in nuclear setup I used to do smart work and put very few vessels for wash..maid was happy as she would finish work fast and go..even if she took leave I would do utensils within 10 mins and sit freely..so tough to grind batter's everyday or once in two days as it was insufficient for these many people.. not able to order from outside even once a while...all this also really took strain on monthly budget as I would have to purchase double the quantity of milk curd etc...double quantity of vegetables , groceries like rice wheat atta pulses etc..unable to take a nap peacefully with all the noise and chatter...guests coming at random times in weekends and outing plan getting cancelled..running behind toddler while managing all this...even when MIL cooked I really used to suffer with cleaning part...
    Its tougher as I'm not working..
    I didnt get chance to spend time with my husband and this really created big rift between us..
    After they left I expressed my displeasure and inability to accommodate elderly guests next time..since then inlaws and DH have all been irritated with me..accusing me of being selfish and not having respect ..MIL didn't talk to me properly for many days..
    I'm so irritated.. my opinion and health and well being dont matter to anyone..why should I get a bad DIL tag? Isn't it better to get a bad DIL tag than suffering silently and being a mother India and feeling permanent resentment...
    Just a vent...anyone else been in this situation where they had to say no to guests ? How did you handle ..
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 Finest Post Winner

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    Next time when you know the guests are coming escape from home or tell tat you need to take your kid to some classes.
    If you can’t escape don’t do anything special, keep everything simple.
    According to them you are anyways a bad DIL, so no matter what you do it doesn’t matter. So why bother?

    Tell them strictly tat maid is getting annoyed with frequent visitors so she may quit anytime soon and it’s difficult to get a good maid these days.

    You need not be mother India every time and for everyone. It’s your right to get some time for yourself.
    Let them be mad, your health and well-being matters more here.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
  3. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Even if everything is done 100 % again bad DIL name only will come ...
    Because the frequency of thoughts and need for that age is different.

    Do what you can do and keep things simple. IF it is your home, its uour duty to welcome and take in-charge of everything but doing it 24/7 is not possible practically.
     
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    This is such a common problem and I have suffered to an extent of being hospitalized (fell sick) for attending to guests/Sisters in law for 3months . That was the first and last OP, I don't entertain anyone at home for long stays. I have argued for days and months regarding the issue with my husband. Rules are simple :
    1) No guests(even immediate siblings) can stay for long periods. 1week-10days is the max I can entertain.
    2) No change in my routine. In laws/husband will change their routine to accommodate all the needs of their guests. Take them out, cook extra, make sweets whatever whatever. When I have time in the weekend I'll go out . I'll cook what I can in the weekdays.
    3) Maid complaints -yes . Put a disclaimer before anyone comes, tell in front of your in laws how the maids complain with so much vessels . No don't keep doing the vessels and let it remain there until someone else initiates and does it. You know what I did : generally these long term guests at my home are sisters in law with their kids . I told them " this is your house, your kitchen -cook whatever you want, do whatever work you want and I told it with a beeeg smiling face"
    4) I told in front of them how this maid is complaining for more vessels, next day I saw that the vessels in the sink were reduced. Now I'm not sure who started doing them. ;);)
    5) Electricity bill shot up to 23k in those months because of ACs running 24/7. :mad:can you imagine that. Well in front of in laws(after the sisters in law left) i did say to my husband : what is this?:yikes: I have never seen this kind of bill in my life. There is something wrong with the electricity meter please check it with the authority . It's impossible we get this bill. They got a hint where I'm getting to.
    6) grocery bill is something I decided to ignore after all it was related to food and I thought I'll not worry about that .
    7) Bad DIL name I did get. Who cares. ?!? All I see now is they do plan their trips such that it's not a looonnnggg stay at our house and instead of putting stay at home we all plan and go for vacations to different places and I'm strict with this rule that one stay at our house will result in next stay at their house. This rule changed the dynamics of everything. They don't come often for long stays because they don't want to entertain me often. :sweatsmile: anyway I don't visit anyone for long duration .
    No our house is not " welcome all, stay as much as you want " kind.
    "welcome all, let's all enjoy the small stay" is the mantra.

    Coming to you do these . I see your problem is frequent short/long time guests.
    1) Tell your hubby no you can't do it. Keep neat pointers and take the discussion with him how it's affecting your me time and weekend time. If you haven't conveyed it yet to him do it right away.
    2)Go and stay with your parents/sister/brother if you anticipate any guests for long time. I have even threatened my husband that I'll go to PG if your guests put stay for months together. That never happened though after the first long stay and after countless discussions with him.
    3) if you work stay longer in office and tell how your work is so hectic that you were unable to come home early or choose this time to out with friends / colleagues .
    4) Pick your toddler and go to nearby park and say your in laws how the kid wants to play in the park. Don't go back until the guests are gone and don't jump into doing the vessels . Let them stay in the sink . When the maid complains put a word to your husband how she's asking a hike every time these guests visit. Or tell him keeping a full time maid with Rs **** salary only will work. Quote some high number so that he realises that that's a huge salary to pay the maid and better is to avoid guests. Or insist on buying a dishwasher and tell him repeated coffee, tea mugs etc can go into the dishwasher.
    5) join part time /full time job. A motivation to take up that job would be to escape from there guests.
    6) Regarding not attending the function, well their taunt would go on until you attend a function next time. :grin:
    7) We are anyways bad DILs OP. Whether we do good or bad. I'm not encouraging you to do bad, but do what is "possible for you ", "what is within your limits ", "what you feel is right " without hurting anyone. Yes they may take offence of our behavior but at the end of the day we should be pleased with ourselves than trying to please others. Its not possible to get the "best DIL" award with our priorities in life. : ) and honestly titles whether good or bad doesn't matter.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
  5. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Am just wondering , if there any way to give 1000 likes in a single click :hearteyes:
     
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Not easy to remove the tag, once you get the tag. Sort of like the famous quote from an English novelist who wrote a lot about family relationships: One of her characters says "My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.", and then the heroine has to do a lot to get it back.

    Anyhow... in any service work, you ask for a rating or feedback, you never get a positive review, when the service has been consistently good and satisfactory; it is dismissed as what is merely the level one would expect. You only get a review when there'd been even a minor boo-boo, and the complaints come in cascades. Never mind all the previous episodes of exemplary service. The one way to rectify this, is what they teach in business colleges:

    Extract the comment/review when you have the customer in front of you, being pleased on a matter of good service.

    Here, let me give you an example scenario:

    DIL serves subji to mummiji. And mummiji wraps a little in her roti, puts in her mouth, masticates it a bit and eats it. Not a hint of frown on her face. That is the cue for the DIL to extract a feedback. She would ask, " is it even half as good as your --whatever-- ?". Frequent practices like this, at least a few times a day, would have that MIL pretty much eating out of your hand.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
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  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks all
    @Anusha2917 wow...you really nailed it!
    Have so much to learn from you!
    Your suggestions would be so useful for next time :)
     
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  8. Ammu2886

    Ammu2886 Gold IL'ite

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    Most of them try to sacrifice their wishes to get a good DIL tag,the classic example is me...

    Those were the initial days of married life! Listened to everything and I could handle everything on my own.Job,work without a maid,not allowed in spending anything..Listened to each and everything whatever the in laws /hubby said.... Financial dependency was not there...Had to ask hubby for permission to use my own salary even to shape eyebrows..
    Gifting in laws always...Never allowed to gift anything for my parents who brought me up
    Finally I did everything to them and finally I was a slave...
    There were only complaints in whatever I do.
    They discussed what I dint do and only insults.
    At a point of time I made my mind..
    Who the hell wants to good DIL title...I don't need it...

    Stopped doing everything..Started living for me and only me... initially hubby had an issue..

    I made a statement..inspite of doing so much you and your family were not happy!
    I was also not happy ,I sacrificed my happiness for you..even then if you are not happy let me work out on what makes me happy!!! that's it...

    Main criteria was to live for myself...Never argued or hurted anyone.
    Stopping sharing financial details with hubby as he never shared his.started buying whatever I need...made myself happy.



    So the conclusion is whatever we do we will be bad Dil's.Let that continue..And be good for us.

    So ignore things or make a direct statement in what you don't like.
     
  9. Ammu2886

    Ammu2886 Gold IL'ite

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    My mil literally spit out the food saying vaaak we dont make this way :-D
     
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  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    That's so hurtful. With my boiling temper I don't know how I would have reacted to that. :neutral:
     
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