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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 13, 2022.

  1. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP, Its been a longgg time since I logged on to my account here. My last activity here was 2016. Today as I logged in and was going through the relationships threads I came across your post. I know this thread turned quiet a month ago but I felt compelled to share my 2 cents here. The last time I was active here in 2016, I remember you sharing similar frustrations about your DH's joblessness, his emotional baggage in relation to his parents, his not taking up responsibilities etc. Reading this thread today I see not a lot has changed and it gives me the impression you have been dealing with this frustration for a longg time. I can understand why you are struggling physically because emotional burden of this sort when carried for so many years will eventually take a toll on your health and will manifest into physical symptoms. From the limited awareness I have of your life (only based on your posts) I feel you are doing it all for your family with limited or barely any support in this partnership you share with your DH. I think it will be valuable for you to reassess your relationship with your DH and see what value is he bringing to your life. In spite of everything you have been doing all these years, your DH doesn't show his gratefulness then it shows a lack of respect for you. Sure you dont need validation from anyone but you need appreciation from your partner, the person you are sharing the long haul with. A partner who refuses to acknowledge your strengths and belittles your accomplishments says a lot about what they are feeling about you and the relationship. It can also have a negative impact on your mental health when you are already carrying all of the family burden. I read a book recently that talked about how we are all like plants in a way, we need to be nurtured, cared, given a positive environment to be able to thrive or eventually we wither away. In your case, you are providing all of this nurture, care, support to your kids and your DH (sounds like he lives a good life with money to spend when he needs, time for his kids and a good home), maybe it is time to think about who is nurturing you? Who is investing in you? Who is taking care of you? Are you getting the nourishment you need (time with kids, relaxing when needed, taken care of when sick, appreciated often).

    Also, would it be worth talking to a marriage counselor to sort out your respective baggage and put it past you? You seem to carry a whole lot of baggage about your past with his parents and he seems to have his own issues with yours, perhaps these are some fringe issues that are adding a lot of stress to your already strained relationship? I remember you saying about his lack of a good job back in 2016 as well and his lack of financial support for the family, it is worth setting some boundaries for yourself to save some money independently? You are not a bad mom or a bad wife if you dont put all your money into your joint account. It is ok to give yourself some pocket money and put some money aside for yourself - who knows you might need it on a rainy day. Would it be worth giving him an ultimatum in terms of starting to providing financial support to the family? It is worth considering if you are stuck in a rut with your DH in all these issues that have become a norm now? Its like you are in a toxic cycle and the same issue crops up over and over again with no resolution. How do you break out of his rut and set a new lifestyle that is a positive one?

    Most importantly, I remember your posts from 2016 to other threads, I remember you as someone who is strong-minded, honest and independent woman. I remember your responses to a lot of threads where you say it like it is and inspire other woman to see the situation for what it is and do what is needed for betterment without making excuses. I wonder if you ever looked at your situation as a third party. Assess your situation as an outsider and consider what advise you would give yourself? Maybe there is much for you to introspect here as only you are the best judge of what is actually reality in your life.

    Lastly, I apologize if I have hurt you in any way with my words. My advice is only based on what I have read here. You are the best judge of your situation. Good luck.
    chanchitra likes this.

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