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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 13, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am tired & very much frustrated.

    I was physically unwell yesterday, yet I could not take a break neither from work nor from the household responsibilities as a mom/wife. It's been a long journey like this, and I am tired now.

    Being a primary bread-winner is not easy. It is not at all easy to be the home-maker while being the bread-winner too. I feel like playing a duel role.

    My young kids do not see what's exactly going on here.

    The other day, my son complained why I wasn't with him when he had to sit for the grade 5 Scholarship (one of the major exams for kids in SL) exam in 2020. Like other mothers, I should have been with him, teaching him, coaching him and giving him moral support to sit for the exam. But I was away, working in a far away place and commuting to home during weekends. It was already hard for me to commute several miles each week, and especially waking up at 2 am on every Monday to take up a 6 hr journey to work. It was physically tiring.
    Above all, I did everything I could during weekends to fill the gap of my mommy role. I cooked special dishes, taught them day & night and what not. Leave alone the emotional turmoil of a working mother who stays miles away from home. Each day was a challenge, and I had been doing that for a decade for my family.

    On a different communication, my DD asked why I chose to stop breast-feeding her at 4 months when I breastfed her brother for 2 yrs. All her cousins were breastfed for 1.5 yrs and the family believes it is very good.
    I wanted to tell her that I had no option, because I had to return to work in a different station. I wanted my family to join me, but my H refused the idea. I could not handle 2 kids (one newborn) all by myself in a new city with a very demanding job. Getting a sabbatical or no-pay leave wasn't an option either, because I was the only bread-winner that time. So, I left my 4 month old with my mom (at bro's place) and went to work. It wasn't easy.
    My H worked, but he either earned a small salary that was barely enough for his survival or shared his entire pay ch with his parents, but never extended any support to the family he created.

    I have been unwell for sometimes, but I am pulling everything together because I am a fighter. My husband told the kids that I don't know how to take care of my health. My poor habits made me sick. He says, I unnecessarily fight and complain as I don't know how to be calm and enjoy what I have.

    Come on.... being away from home in the deep field locations and not being able to take care of my body whenever I needed a break wasn't my fault. I did that because my H didn't take his responsibility.
    Living in stress and spoiling my health because of constant stress isn't my choice. It is the life my H offered me. He and his parents financially & emotionally abused me. Thrown me out of the house as empty handed when I was full term pregnant.
    Because of their abuse, I had to return back to my parents and depend on their support system for my survival.
    Now that my mom is living with me. She is watching me 24/7 like a guardian angel and always trying to protect me from potential harm from my H or his family. But having her around has its own disadvantages too. She is too involved in our personal matters, and that is affecting our marriage life to some extend. I am stressed because of all these, and unhealthy as a result. It is all caused by my H, and none of these mess was my choice.

    I lost it. I never spoke bad about my H to my children. Because I always wanted them to have a happy childhood knowing both the parents' positive sides. But yesterday I told them what had happened in the past, and the difficult journey I was forced to take, leading to my present situation (be it our present wealthy life or the sickness/stress whatever)

    My H is super angry that I spoke about his dark side with the kids. He is upset because kids might think he has been jobless and eating for free. He interrupted the talk and made me look like an evil before the kids. Acted as if he was too innocent and what I complained was unheard of.

    He always pretended to run a business (from nowhere) and told kids that he is earning.
    He never rewarded me for bearing all this, and still carrying the burden for him. He never rewarded me for saving him from the debt trap and all the past issues.
    He never ever told the world that I am the bread-winner, not even to the children.

    Everyone thinks I am passionate about the career, and always chose my career before the family. They think I am greedy for money, and pride. They question my parenting and everything given a simplest issue at home.
    My H on the other hand pretend to be the first hand parent, and responsible with everything by show-casing a fake business to cover up his joblessness.

    He has changed a lot from the past. He is no longer with his FOO, and being with us for good.
    But, him trying to erase the past, and paint a normal picture before the family irritates me.

    Today, he simply denies that he dumped me on the street. He denies that he failed to protect us. He denies that he didn't earn or support the family. This questions my actions, and the answers to my children's questions above.

    I am afraid, 10 years down the line, my H would complete the change the plate and tell the kids that he earned our wealthy life from the business and my career was nothing.

    I am afraid, at the end of the day, I am going to me the bad mother, who wasn't there for the kids 24/7 like their dad, and didn't do much with finances either.
    Because all our wealth are in joint names, though 100% earned & invested by me.

    It is a vent...

  2. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV
    You have poured your heart but i feel you are focussing more on the negative side of life..bcoz you are too tired on daily basis and life as a whole.Count your blessings..You will feel better. Yes your husband is trying to paint a different picture in front of kids but think from his side too..not being able to achieve in life and the male ego..Dont act lije two different people in front of your kids ..I dont think kids wont realize your sacrifices and hard work in the long run..So stay assured and dont tell your struggles to your kids in front of your husband . You can tell them about those while teaching life lessons during normal conversations and nog specifically.
    Coming to your struggles , sacrifices and hardwork.. You know you are an achiever and a warrior ..You dont need anyones validation..
    Your husband is staying with you and not with his side of people is a big indication that he knows you are better than them in every aspect..Dont remember the past too much..especially in these hectic times you should try to stay positive..You really have huge responsibility on youf shoulders..But theres a positive side that You are actually able to persue uour career..How many ladies are able to do that with kids..I know being a sole earner puts more pressure and doesnt let you feel likd an achiever..But You are better off than so many females who have to sacrifice their careers bcoz of kids and their husband earning well. God is helping you through your mother..So many females dont have any support to work hard, go out and make it big in their life.
    So cheer up and count your blessings ..God bless
    Madhurima21 likes this.
  3. manjuni

    manjuni Junior IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV

    Prioritize your wellbeing both physical and mental. Please do not do any disservice to yourself while you are busy building life for your family. Beautiful family, secured financial status, career may not seem too important when you are down physically or mentally. You and only you is responsible for your wellbeing (Please understand this in right sense).

    This is the first time i am sharing my advice in this forum. So please pardon me if I said anything inappropriate. And I am well aware that your are a person whose capabilities are par excellence. My only input if please focus inward and treat yourself the priority
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Many thanks for reaching out to me with this first response. Much appreciated.

    Yes, I am focusing more on the negative side now. Sorry about that. This is one of those dark days :(

    It is different from not being able to achieve vs not wanting to do anything in life. He has all the opportunities to get out of his comfort zone and work. He is qualified, well supported, and what not. Just that, he listened to his parents and punished me by resigning from his well-established job, so that I will be forced to continue the difficult job while I was pregnant. It was because all the well-wishers advised me to resign, and take care of my health as the work related commute was too much at that time. But because of his decision, I had to continue the risky route, because both of us were not afford to stay home when a new kid was on the way.
    When questioned he claimed he wanted to pursue higher studies.

    After which, he joined the work force just for the sake of it, and was content with whatever the little salary he received in that flexible job. Again he pushed me harder and harder to pay for the EMI, household expenses etc..etc... and never bothered to share a penny with his family. But secretly took away our savings and jewels to support his FOO, in addition to sharing from what he had.

    I feel he should acknowledge this as the reason behind his failure in life, instead of faking it before others.

    I honestly don't care. But it hurts when he manipulate the kids, which is often against me.
    He is an irresponsible dad, careless of their safety or health matters. He does give them all the junk food, and allow screen time. Never bother to teach them good manners etc.
    I always have to pay extra care on their studies, home work, health matters etc... and i am forced to be the strict parent to put things on place.

    It is OK if he is on my side. But he often take advantage of the rifts I have with the kids, and tell them that I don't care about their happiness as I care more of my work. He tells them that he is a kind of parent whose first priority is family & kids; hence he chose to stay home (do business).
    Kids did not like him before, and I made serious efforts to connect them with his dad. Because I wanted a happy family to go to.
    Now that, he is manipulating them and pushing them away.
    They are pre-teens and you know how they behave.

    Having my mom is a blessing in so many ways, but it is also a curse to have a family member who is so much interfering and constantly criticizing. It is like having a CCTV camera and being careful all the time.
    Going out to work is one thing, forced to work despite of your physical & mental health problems is another thing.

    However, I am at a much settled stage right now. A stable career, working and staying with family, kids are grown up, etc....

    I don't expect my H to work. I give him generous amount of pocket money and never micro manage what he does with his pocket money.
    I only expect some gratitude from the family for what I have done for them in the past, and to understand my health issues in the right way.

    But, my H thinks, I should be thanking him for having him in my life, behind me as a pillar of support and I should be crediting him for all my success. This is what he tells the kids, like he has sacrificed his career for the family, so that his wife can have hers.

    I don't know. May be I am overacting now. Blame my hormones or what ever. But I feel he is being selfish here.
    But I also don't know what I can expect from a man, whose ego is hurt
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I know, I have learned this the hard way. Now I am taking the necessary measures to prioritize my physical health & that of my family.
    Just that, I feel hurt and explode when my family shows no gratitude for what I have done for them. Of course I can't ask them to wash my feet & shower me with flowers. But isn't it too much to expect some kindness when I am sick?
  6. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    I am not sure but I think the children in USA and Canada are far more empathetic to mothers/parents. Maybe you can send them to a personality development courses so they see the bigger picture. It wont help you if you keep hoping for things . But then children are children right? We have also been there at some point. I accused my mom of not being a good support even at my 40s (not proud). So, dont fret.
    Also, there is no point in accusing people /H of their actions int he past because they WILL decline it anyway. Better to do it in their absence because thats what they are going to do. And stick to overall high level things and not details.
    But first and foremost, please take care of your health. Cant you shift to that place instead of the commute?
    If you find yourself in a rut, then thats a different story and a longer process. But for the physical health, please get some rest. Take leave, stay home, while away a day or two. The worlds not going to end. Spend time with the kids. Maybe go to a movie or somethign with them or a game.
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2022
  7. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV dear, i am going to ask you to take deep calming breaths first. Calm down and relax.

    Yes, i know that tiredness. The constant running, no time to take a break and kids needing constant attention and family and work. It is a never ending loop. A loop created by US. and since we are all human, we are bound to get tired.

    If you feel tired, please stop right there and try and do nothing. Relax on your bed. Read a book or listen to muic or spend your time on IL but just stop working for sometime. Even sole or primary bread winners of a family have the right to take rest when they are down. I would sincerely advise you to take SL to get well soon.

    Yes, unfortunately, in the modern times, women are so used to multi-tasking that anyone not doing anything according to a standard set by someone, we tend to feel guilty. I have learnt to check those standards out and do things my way.

    My way is the most imperfect, not so good way of handling family and work. But it still is the best way for me and hey it works! so no one can say anything about that since they are not in my shoes.

    Here's my take on this and it might probably differ form the general opinion but this is what i do in my house.

    Yes. Kids dont see or cant see. Let me ask you this. Have you ever tried to explain to your kids how stressful your job is? What all you have to do? I remeber my grandmom and mom telling me stories of how they struggled and suffered. But i feel as parents of this generation, we have probably stopped sharing our worries and concerns with kids and they are growing up thinking they have the right to every thing without any conditions or limits.

    I talk to my kids. Since they were in their KG to till now, i tell them whatever i am going through - i am tired, i am exhausted, or i had a wonderful day coz my colleague did this and this. OR what i had to do for them.

    As a bonding time with kids, i started narrating these little snippets from their childhood which they adore a lot. They ask for more and more stories and i tell them those stories as they are and were. I tell them that i felt and still feel sad for leaving you guys at home working and that i had no choice then. That i could not hold them when they were crawling or starting to walk and give them a tight hug now. These small things help develop our relation with the kids.

    My kids know when i am tired. They are jsut 11 and 9 but they help clean the kitchen for me, sweep the house, clean the sofa, fold clothes, dry clothes from the washer after they are washed, get me water, serve me food in a plate, at times, there have been days when i have had severe back pain and leg pain due to 12 hour shifts and htey have massaged my feet and back too.

    I am thankful to god that they are understanding but they didnt reach here overnight. I keep talking to them about my struggles. I let them know that i am their mom and not super-mom.

    Again, when my son asks why i was or wasnt there for something, i tell him exactly why - mummy had to work so my baby could have his PS-4, he could have pizza over the weekend or things like that. They now know that money flows in only coz i am working hard for that.

    Ahh...i know that guilty mom syndrome. I get into those at times and go overboard in over compensating for certain things.

    Pat yourself on the back. No one else would do that for us. We should only appreciate ourselves for doing that.

    Tell that please. Maintain an honest conversation with your kids. Tell them how different your life was and how hard you worked to reach where you are.

    A fighter knows when he should stop and take a break. If you are weak, even 10 steps would seem like 100.

    Take a break. You desperately need one.

    At times, when my husband says something like mommy doesnt know this, mommy doesnt do that even as a joke, my kids rush to my defense.

    I maintain that level of confidence with them and they maintain it too. Their faith in me in unshakable and they now dont really care what others say. They know me and i know them. That is more than enough for me.

    Build that rapport with them please.

    We dont have much options or choice when it comes to work but home is where we can fall back on. So it doesnt matter how much stress you had to take at work, make your home a safe haven for you.

    Yes, i am sorry you had to do all that and undergo all that. But you are past that now. So dont look back. Move forward. Yes, it was stressful then and you had ot take certain decisions based on that but you are way past that stage.

    My mom lives with me too. But she knows where i draw the line. Incase, since your mom is actively involved, i am not sure how you would be able to tell your mom not to invade your space.

    The best you can do is to stop taking her words seriously beyond a certain point. I do that too. Stop listening when she starts talking about my marriage which is unwanted and unnecessary.

    IMHO...i wouldnt do that. It would set a bad precedent for a lot of things. Remember your H is more creative and has a lot more time on his hands than you to give a more colourful picture about you.

    We can never get a positive image about something or someone by talking negative. So i would suggest you to not talk bad or anything that happened in your past. Explain to your kids how you wished to give them the best lifestyle by sacrificing all that you had which included your time with them.

    Dear, he is bound to be. From all that you have shared so far, he is already feeling inferior, ignore and useless. When you shatter that illusion that he has created, he is bound to be angry. and anger makes even a sane man say rash or bad things.

    Dont delve into this. Leave it as it is. And start a better conversation.

    Thats ok, its a lie he created, let him carry it around. Dont be a part of it. It is not yours to shoulder that baggage as well.

    Kids are smart. When they grow up, at some point in their life, they would realise how things started working and what/ who made them work. But create a positive environment for them for that and build a rapport that strong.

    Sweetheart, gratitude is not easily seen these days. Stop these expectations. it would keep us saner.

    Do you want the world ot know you are the primary bread-winner? Do you want the children to know about that? If yes, then again in a positive manner break it down to them without casting anyone in a bad light!

    Dont expect anyone else to hold a torch out for us. Only we can light our path.

    Do 'they' matter? Should 'they' matter?

    So what if you are career driven, passionate woman who chose career? Is it a crime? I dont see any guy being labelled or dragged through mud for being too driven in his career. Why should you feel sad.

    If it bothers you, then change what you are.

    To me though, i feel you are the best role model for your daughter. Guide your daughter and your son. You have an international work experience. Share those instances with them and create a beautiful world for them.

    Its ok, let him. ITs on him, not you!

    Let the past go dear. You are out of it. Let it go and free yourself from it. If you cant, then take it up with your husband and not the kids.

    Do you think your kids are not smart enough to understand things?

    No you are not. Stop over thinking and brooding about it. You are one of the best role models for a lot of women here still being anonymous. I am sure you are doing everything you can.

    Good, then in future your kids will know that their mom is one of the most selfless person ever.

    Though if it is me, i would suggest you make some changes to those if you are insecure about your H. But slowly.
    sm123 and prettywoman2 like this.
  8. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    I don't know. May be I am overacting now. Blame my hormones or what ever. But I feel he is being selfish here.
    But I also don't know what I can expect from a man, whose ego is hurt[/QUOTE]
    No you are not overreacting..you are just reacting as you are also tired of working hard and not being appreciated ....but for your own peace of mind you should start seing the positives in your life. You have had a lot and nobody can deny that but dont b upset over others not appreciating your sacrifices and hard work..Just focus on your blessings as it is very taxing to b both physically and mentally tired..take care
  9. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear @SGBV, yes this is one of those days and this shall pass too..Hang in there.

    I totally agree with what @beautifullife30 said here.

    I am not sure your kids age.But I have a teenager and a 9 year old girl. I tell them every day how my day went,after talking to them on their day part.

    To be honest,after dealing with stress at work/chores/cooking and my son stuff,most of the time I wont have time to sit with my daugher to play.She sometimes complains that Mamma is very busy..But as I keep talking to them about my struggles at work/stress that brings in/chores at home,along with my harmones business since I crossed 40 now. My son understand most of it. I infact tell him about my cycle too(infact i started telling him since they taught all these in the school)..So to some extent,he understands what I go through and helps me with stuff wherever he can.

    Howmuch ever other people talks to them,at the end of the day,they always have that soft corner for mom(like the way husbands has for their parents)..Its just that we as mom,should know how to use it constructively.

    You are doing a great job dear. Keep involving the kids..you can infact say that Daddy's income is not enough for the famaily to run or for your college expenses or our vacations etc.So,Mommy needs to work..But mommy job is little stressful than daddy's..So,at the end of the day,if we all dont help each other,who else will. Kids will understand better than the DH for sure.

    Infact,I tell the kids,if anything that comes to me that i cant manage,then my youngest is my first line of support and then my son and then finally my husband. Kids thinks that they need to protect me from everything.Well,some things I cant share with them too,thats when I come to IL :).

    Feel better soon and bounce back with more energy and sooner the later,i am going to be down when my MIL comes..lol :)..So,I need all your suggestions..lol
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @beautifullife30

    I feel much better today. Thanks for your detailed analysis and those helpful words.
    In real life, no one understand the hardship we go through and the battles we face on our daily life. But I am so thankful that I am part of this wonderful site where I have people who know me so well, and are there to give me emotional support the right time.

    I felt instantly relieved after reading your reassuring post. It did point out my mistakes, and worries.
    Now I feel, I shouldn't have touched my husband's joblessness to kids in front of him. I know that I spoke about the past, and not criticizing his presence (not commenting on his imaginary business job of now). But obviously he was upset.
    After reading your post, I realized my mistake and apologized right away.

    I took him out for a long walk, and we had a long chat about the bottle neck to happiness. Because we thought settling in life will bring happiness, we thought staying away from PILs will bring happiness, we thought kids growing up will give us happiness. But nothing seem to have changed the core problems we had in life.

    As far as I understand the core problem is that my H's is unable to see life beyond his parents' eyes.

    His cunning parents were after our money. Their biggest threat was my strong support system (my mom & siblings). They always wanted to distance me from my FOO, so that they could easily eye on my wealth.

    Initially they brainwashed my H against my FOO, in return he started unnecessarily fighting with me. He gave me "D' threats and forced me to distance from my FOO.
    During that window, PILs have financially abused us. Bankrupted us by cunningly taking over all our savings, investments etc....

    In 2011, I returned back to my FOO with an infant after loosing everything in life. I had no job and no prospect for the future that time.
    My FOO remained as my biggest support system & safety mechanism.

    I bounced back in life, and started everything from the scratch.
    In laws could not do anything this time, because there were so many eyes watching over me. In law's cunning plans got caught red handed a multiple times, and that lead to a complete breakup with them in 2018.

    We have progressed so well in our career, and personal life since 2018 after cutting all the ties with PILs.

    I still don't know whether my H has emotionally distanced from them or not. He has chosen us over them, but he isn't quite happy about the fact that he is away from them.
    He still have some soft corner for them, and thinks it is my FOO who were behind all the drama.

    I still don't understand the fact, why he is thinking so.

    They spoiled him, played with his career and made his marriage life a hell. They financially abused him, forced him into debt and what not. Eventually, they even tried to kill him.

    My FOO on the other hand saved him. Accepted him with all his flaws, respected him as part of family, and continue to forgive him for what he has done in the past. Now that he is living with us, despite the fact that he is our complete dependent.

    But, he still thinks, if my FOO weren't in the picture, his parents wouldn't have been caught red handed, and shamed before the society for what they did to us. He is angry with my FOO for catching them, but not angry with his FOO for doing nasty things to him & his family. Strange.

    This is irritating. He says our life would be better if your mom is not living with us.
    it is better if you stop talking to your sister every day etc.... and mentions these are the reasons behind our problems.

    I clearly told him that I can't send my mom anywhere, because it is her home now. It was him, who throw me out of his home and made me join my mother with an infant. Since then my mom is my pillar of support, and behind all my success today.
    My sister & I are like best friends and we talk daily and that's our stress buster. We never talk about husbands and stuff. And my siblings have never commented on my H, apart from being there for me.
    The level of emotional support and strength they give me helps to stand up against my H's and in laws' evil plans. That's my strength and I can't lose it.

    I have asked him to grow a thick skin if he is bothered about my closeness with the family.
    Also, I have asked him to utilize all the possible means to secure a job, so that his mind will not play evil.

    Just because we have disconnected with his FOO (owing to their evil actions) doesn't mean I should be disconnected with my loving FOO. There is no logic.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2022

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