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frustrated ( its coming down slowly)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by santhusen8, Mar 27, 2014.

  1. santhusen8

    santhusen8 Junior IL'ite

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    Having lots of trouble with my wife , we had a baby early in our marriage ( 3 months after marriage my wife conceived ) , both were happy for the baby , didn't think of consequences , didn't think about future , didn't think about how to raise the baby , we were in too much love ( we are still in too much of love) to understand reality , but had only one thing in mind our love child
    Baby was born exactly in one year , my In laws visited us to take care of the baby no problems there , occasional fights during the whole time after marriage.
    i usually don't use relationship names ( for eg atha , mama ) so i never used such words with my in laws , but my wife is exactly opp to me , she uses such words .
    she used to force me to call her parents that way which i never did though
    i used to call them ( emandi ( telugu) )

    My wife was supposed to prepare for her exams , but as she got pregnant and than baby she postponed her exam , we had lots of fun time raising our child a very beautiful daughter .
    but as i am very busy with work most of the time , we decided to send the baby to INDIA for few months.
    until the baby was with us , there was not many problems between both of us except for occasional fights here and there which resolved within 24 hrs

    Problem started once the baby went to india

    My wife has a sister who stays in Hyd , and my parents stay in HYD too
    but my wife parents stay 1 hr from HYD in village
    When we sent the baby my condition was when ever baby is in HYD , she has to stay with my family , for which my wife accepted
    My wife never had any problem with my family

    But problem came when my In law started raising my baby in my wife's sister house
    they stay in 2 bedroom house along with their daughter and a servant maid
    and now my in laws started staying in that house along with four other people
    i told them my parents stay just 15 min away from my sil and i informed my wife to send the baby to my house which is very big spacious and is independent , not apts

    and i also felt that baby should stay with either grand mother rather in SILS house

    My parents love me so much as i am only son and they wanted to have the baby raised in my parents house

    Problem came when my MIL didn't want to leave the baby , she was here in US for 6 months so she got attached to the baby ,
    so i told them stay in my home for the next few months until baby gets used to my mom
    and as she was in US she missed many of the parties in INDIA , so as soon she got to INDIA she was in my SIL house for a week and they stayed in my house for 2 days to make sure my mom gets used to the baby
    and than she left the baby for 2 days so that she could attend the parties and get back.

    My mom took care of the baby very well that she got used to the baby and viceversa

    My mom was angry as in my SIL house my daughter was been taken care most of the time by the servant maid ( servant maid was like family member of my In laws)
    and also they have small house and crowded , as well as my mom didn't like the way my in laws bathed my baby.

    They complained to me about all this thing and unfortunately my wife was sitting beside me when my parents complained to me about my In Laws

    so my wife decided to check how my parents are taking care of the baby
    and her mom used to say lot of thing about my parents to her ( i never listen to their conversation, but my wife tell me everything )

    my mil made bad remarks about my parents and told how we are taking care of the baby

    I made it clear to my wife saying that , all the grand parents love their grand kids and would love to have them at their home . and they will complain against each other and told to keep the baby with my In laws only , but there was problem with some astrology why said that baby can't go to In laws home at 7 and 8 th months
    and i was really adamant to keep the baby either in my In laws home or my Home
    rather than in my SILs house

    My wife started having hatred against my parents in this issue
    now she doesn't speak to them nor talk to them ( and the reason she says is i don't speak to her parents ( of course i hardly spoke to them once in 1 and half year ) ) but my wife always speaks to my family members .

    and once the baby was in my home , my MIL came to my home one day and took the baby to my SIL home ,as my father was not at home my mom didn't say anything and let her take the baby and after my father came back they went to get her back .
    MY wife who was angry on me and my parents about not keeping the baby in my SIL house said not to send the baby to my parents house again
    but my parents and i didn't know this and i asked them to get the baby to my house .
    my MIL created a huge problem there , first she said she can't the baby with out permission from my SIL and than , she immediately called my wife its 4 am in the morning and my wife woke me up ( she knows that i have to work ) and had a fight with me , i was so pissed off and told my parents not to take the baby home
    that was the first time in my life to say something against my parents
    so my mother lost her cool and shouted on my MIL ( my MIL complained to my mom saying that my father cant carry the baby properly)

    My parents left that place , but we had a huge fight here , and from there we had fight every day atlast when my MIL priest told them that baby should be with my parents they left the baby at my place .
    but my Mil goes to my place once in a while and she complains to my wife saying that my mom is not feeding the baby properly
    but luckily my daughter has gained good weight and she has become very healthy too as my mother took very very good care of my daughter
    but my wife doesn't believe that and is so much in hatred about my parents
    she doesn't speak to my parents
    my parents complained about this to my In Laws they didn't bother to say anything to my wife , than my father complained to my Wife Uncle who they met during the marriage process ,
    My Wife really got mad at my parents for talking totheir uncle about her
    even i felt it was bad and i informed my parents about it , they said some one has to talk to their parents about this and they thought this relative is close so it is good .
    Now her hatred has reached new heights she just sits beside me when i am on video chat with my parents to see my daughter , she doesn't even come in front of video to see the baby .And she scolds my parents ever day saying that they lie all the time and not taking care of the baby properly

    and when ever my MIL called i am really scared about that day ,
    for the last 15 days , when she realized that my daughter is gaining weight and is looking very healthy she started her prep for exam
    but suddenly my MIL call her today and inform that baby left one spoon of cerelac
    and again fight started
    so i got time to stay in bed room to type this as she is sleeping in the hall
    I understand that every one in the family love the baby , but they have to understand not to complain to her daughter
    i can't tell any one about what i am going through in this matter
    if i try to talk to my In laws about this my wife is very angry and she threatens leaving the house ( i know she is trying to scare me ) but ( she does that once in a while when she gets angry she goes to the near by park and sits there )
    but this is winter and one days she walked in 7 F , i got really scared went searching for her both were in the cold for 1 hr so both of us got sick
    so i didn't want any of such things to happen again .

    Good things
    she loves me soooooo much , cooks for me ( even though i am cooking for the last 15 days as she is studying for the exam )
    we talk a lot to each other , ( that s how suddenly this topics comes and fight starts )
    we don't need third person in our life ( i mean other than family )
    we have so many friends in the apt , but we hardly go there except for parties as we feel we don't have sufficient time for ourselves ( i mean after work )
    i don't know about other people but at the end of the day when we both see each other ( i come from work and she from LIB ) we are so happy to see each other as if we missed each other for some months

    Well now i think when i was typing this good things i feel like i should go to the hall to sleep
    3 people like this.

  2. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    get your baby and start looking after your child yourself.... lot better than fighting every day...
    9 people like this.
  3. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

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    Good, that u r loving ur wife so much and is trying to understand her too.
    The problem is because of too much overflowing of love on the baby from all the sides. But I would recommend soon after her exams, please bring ur child and make her stay with u all. I know ur parents / in laws according to ur wife will take care of ur child better.
    I know u both are confident in ur respective parents. But u are parent now, u need to decide wat ur baby requires. There are many people who manage work and baby. Baby requires mothers and fathers love more than grandparents. So u please bring her and keep her with u both. It will only solve ur problems. Ur wife behavior / mood swings can be basically bcoz she is missing her child…. Only a mother can know this!!!
    1 person likes this.
  4. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    I pity the poor child, who has become a pawn between couple of old fools (sorry for being harsh, but they asked for it).. If you feel that some third person is responsible for your problems in you family life, don't let them enter in your lives in the first place. Get back your child ASAP...
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2014
    7 people like this.
  5. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    bring back your kid and join a day care if possible till your wife completes her studies..it may be costly but fighting everyday on this in initial stages of marriage about will be more costly for both of you in future..
    2 people like this.
  6. hivid

    hivid Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to say but I think you guys should have planned when to have a kid. And if you had really wanted a kid early in marriage you should never have sent the child with your or her parents. Of all people your baby needs you and your wife the most and noone can bring up a child like parents. And since all these fights are because of the upbringing of baby I do not see why you have still left the kid in India. Please bring her back and lead a happy life.
  7. Kera

    Kera Gold IL'ite

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    Bring the baby back to USA & ask one of the grandparents to come with the baby so they can help raise. After few months you can have next grandparents come over and spend time with baby
  8. nalinidiv

    nalinidiv Platinum IL'ite

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    I can agree to the point that u didnt have any plans to start a family at first place.. but wen u decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.. didnt u guys talk abt how to take care of the child??(U say u talk to each other a lot but this very misisng of planning is evident of how u plan things in ur life)...
    In ur whole article.. u dont seem to be missing ur baby or feel guilty for it... its just the fights thats bothering u.. come on OP u still are not a kid.. u have to look after ur baby.. dats ur duty.. ur parents can support the caretaking part but shudnt be having the whole responsibility on der shoulders... y isnt dat hititng u hard... bringing up a baby needs lot of personal sacrifices from both the parents... tomorrow dont be surprised if ur baby calls u n ur wife as uncle or aunt... n ya cooking for 15 days doesnt qualify for a sacrifice nor does leaving the baby n making it toss between two different family n continuing education a sacrifice...
    7 people like this.
  9. Butterflie

    Butterflie Bronze IL'ite

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    Anyone who will listen to your story will just say one thing. What was the need to complicate it so much! A child should never have to go through all this at any point in its life let alone so early.
    When things were getting so out of hand and all the elders were throwing stones at eachother, the first thing you should have done is brought your daughter to US. End of story. When so many elders are involved, egos are bound to clash. Shield ur daughter from all this and enjoy raising your child.
    It is difficult but completing education and raising a child can be done simultaneously. Help eachother out and end all this ruckus.
    1 person likes this.
  10. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Me too felt the same while reading your post OP..

    That atmosphere is also not good for baby too..

    You can clear all the problems with single solution. First make it done with your wife consent.

    Tell to both parents stop complaining each other and its ruining your lives.

    I dont understand one thing, how could you send kid alone millions of kms far??
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2014

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