Dear ladies... I am back on this forum again after years and not with a positive situation but want to make it positive and apt in all ways - and so I am back here for guidance. Pouring my heart and mind with you all as this platform have always given emotional strength in tough times & right guidance - which means A LOT!!! (Bless you all) Long Post as I have come back after long.... kindly bear I have posted in another thread - so pulling mostly from there with little editing.... Who Got Narcissistic Spouse.. Their Traits And Dealing Strategy?? _______________________________________________________________________________ Moved to Canada in 2018. Everything was settled and I was happy with all the imperfections but right now, my situation is flimsy. I was doing very well in my career when we moved to Canada. Now after spending more than 1 year, I am feeling that I am not a right fit here and hence want to go back. There are many reasons behind and major is un-supportive husband. I wanted a better future for my daughters and hence I landed in Canada but after coming here, my H showed worst of his behavior which I never knew existed. I saw a dirty side of him which came as a surprise to me after 15 years of marriage. I became dependent on him for everything (which we discussed and knew will happen initially for sometime) but he bullied me like hell. Now that I have started working, I am finding it very difficult to give time to my DDs due to all work and home chores where in I have absolutely NO help and H lives in his own world. He is making us dance to his tunes. We are and were never priority for him (which was fine back then as I was independent) whereas all his attention and focus are either on his work or his parents and Sis. We (me and DDs) are struggling day in and out to balance our financial situation but cutting down on almost everything and surviving with bare essentials. He on the other hand is sending money to his parents for their lavish affairs like outings (including foreign & domestic trips), family dinners in fancy restaurants, buying new laptop and mobile (whereas old ones are still working fine) and for daily things as well like paying their internet, phone, TV, electricity, water and grocery bills. In short, he is running 2 house - in unbalanced way - without any need of it right now. My ILs are financially very sound are not dependent on him at all. MIL gets handsome pension (retired from Govt. job) and my FIL is still working and getting decent salary. They are living in their own house. I am NOT against son doing it for parents but our current situation does not allow bearing fancy expenses that too when we are struggling every day and also he never discussed about it before coming here.... I am fine with all this once we are back in comfortable situation, I dont mind him doing all this rather I have always been a contributor - one step ahead of him!! I am not allowed to ask even for basic things and I am always put on spot by asking IS IT NECESSARY? Cant You DO without it? look at others in our situation.... they survived eating same meal for 6 months and other more awkward phrases.... I am not able to buy basic things for my kids (as basic as buying a pack of biscuit or any stationery or anything that he does not feel the need of) I have tried discussing things with him in a healthy way but he yells at everything without realizing that kids are growing up and understands all. Even he yells at my elder daughter as well. So cutting many nasty things short, I am thinking of moving back India because of un-supportive, selfish & dominating spouse who does not even care for his own kids and I never knew this would happen. Since beginning, I never looked up to him for any of my or kids needs.... its NOW when I actually needed support and what i got was/is heartbreaking! He is not IN for moving back but I cannot pull it long. If I plan to move back, at least, I have some family support which is missing here. I feel that putting me down, insulting me whether at home or in front of others, shouting at me has become his fav. things to do. He loves to rule at me and treats me as his slave. I came here with hopes which are badly shattered. I am told repeatedly that I am taking the worst decision of my life by thinking of moving back - not only by him but by many others.... Somehow I feel, I will be better getting independent again in my home country - and for that I will certainly need little support. I am left with no finance or savings (all given in this process of settling in new country) and I am back to zero but I still have hopes to make it better soon. Pls. suggest - Am I thinking wrong ??? What's the best way forward in my situation? Few more points in short that in posted in other thread: 1. What to do when ILs are equally nasty as spouse? Despite of being good to them in every way possible and many a times doing things going out of way for them, ILs are always on H side - no matter what. After all, blood is thicker... ! 2. My spouse is too good in arguments and an expert in putting me down in all matters. He has a very clear and ideal image outside but I know his real colors. I have 2 DDs. My elder one who is in teens now also understanding things and hate it to the core what he does to me but at the same time she feels horrified thinking what if I take a decision of divorce or living separate from my spouse (which keeps on running in my head every now and then these days). Though I have never told her what I am thinking but my DD can make out easily that this is one of the possible outcomes of her parents daily fights and dirty arguments (for absolutely NO logical reasons). She is afraid of me taking this harsh step and she has discussed this with me many times pleading no to think on these lines. I have always consoled her stating that she should trust me and help me in being strong - trust me that whatever I'll do would be the best for all of us! 3. I have tried talking with my H many times with clear head and heart but what I start as healthy discussion ends shortly in nasty fight and my blood boil - reason being he always makes me the culprit and starts shooting blame bullets on me stating everything that has ever happened wrong is because of me, that I am stupid, DUD, good for nothing and brainless with poor vision and no planning. Every time this happens, something in me breaks and then refuses to heal. Now I have stopped taking initiatives. 4. He is control freak. Starting from what to buy, from where to buy, how much to pay, what to cook - to an extent how to cook and what all ingredients in what what ratio to be added, what I should wear, Whether I should put lip color and coal or not! And despite of doing all as per his choice, he is still a mean critic finding faults in whatever I do. Now I have stopped pleasing him. Even stopped cooking for him. The only thing where he is least bothered is kids studies and other activities where he should be equally involved. He doesn't have time for that. How strange! 5. He does not hesitate in cracking joke in front of people - at my expense. Making fun of me in front of everyone is his favorite thing to do. I tried making him understand but as usual, he put things on me saying that I am a spoil sport and that I cannot take a joke and I am always up to fight!! Now, I have kind of cut my outings with him. Just for the sake of kids, I go out with all. I am educated and self dependent female who believes in family ties, our tradition and culture and am God fearing. I am very high on patience level as well. But now I am feeling broken and empty. I cannot hold it longer. I am not sure how adverse it will impact my girls if I take a decision of moving out and living a separate life (without or with divorce) but I also feel what impact it will leave on my DDs when they will grow seeing their mother getting insulted every day, shattered and crushed, with low self-esteem!! My only reason of worry is - If I go taking harsh step of separation (with or without divorce), I may have to cut my ties with my DDs paternal grandparents and relations on that side because my MIL holds very strong control. I dont want my DDs to be deprived of close relations - not sure if I am thinking wrong! I am loosing my vision and confidence.... that's how putting it with such a long post here to understand how I can make things better and which way to choose. Pls. guide ladies.... this struggle is killing me.