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From The Thread Narcissistic Spouse... To Here.... Pls. Guide!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by liberatedpearl, Mar 5, 2020.

  1. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ladies...
    I am back on this forum again after years and not with a positive situation but want to make it positive and apt in all ways - and so I am back here for guidance.

    Pouring my heart and mind with you all as this platform have always given emotional strength in tough times & right guidance - which means A LOT!!! (Bless you all)

    Long Post as I have come back after long.... kindly bear

    I have posted in another thread - so pulling mostly from there with little editing....
    Who Got Narcissistic Spouse.. Their Traits And Dealing Strategy??


    _______________________________________________________________________________


    Moved to Canada in 2018. Everything was settled and I was happy with all the imperfections but right now, my situation is flimsy. I was doing very well in my career when we moved to Canada. Now after spending more than 1 year, I am feeling that I am not a right fit here and hence want to go back. There are many reasons behind and major is un-supportive husband. I wanted a better future for my daughters and hence I landed in Canada but after coming here, my H showed worst of his behavior which I never knew existed. I saw a dirty side of him which came as a surprise to me after 15 years of marriage. I became dependent on him for everything (which we discussed and knew will happen initially for sometime) but he bullied me like hell. Now that I have started working, I am finding it very difficult to give time to my DDs due to all work and home chores where in I have absolutely NO help and H lives in his own world. He is making us dance to his tunes. We are and were never priority for him (which was fine back then as I was independent) whereas all his attention and focus are either on his work or his parents and Sis. We (me and DDs) are struggling day in and out to balance our financial situation but cutting down on almost everything and surviving with bare essentials. He on the other hand is sending money to his parents for their lavish affairs like outings (including foreign & domestic trips), family dinners in fancy restaurants, buying new laptop and mobile (whereas old ones are still working fine) and for daily things as well like paying their internet, phone, TV, electricity, water and grocery bills. In short, he is running 2 house - in unbalanced way - without any need of it right now. My ILs are financially very sound are not dependent on him at all. MIL gets handsome pension (retired from Govt. job) and my FIL is still working and getting decent salary. They are living in their own house. I am NOT against son doing it for parents but our current situation does not allow bearing fancy expenses that too when we are struggling every day and also he never discussed about it before coming here.... I am fine with all this once we are back in comfortable situation, I dont mind him doing all this rather I have always been a contributor - one step ahead of him!! I am not allowed to ask even for basic things and I am always put on spot by asking IS IT NECESSARY? Cant You DO without it? look at others in our situation.... they survived eating same meal for 6 months and other more awkward phrases.... I am not able to buy basic things for my kids (as basic as buying a pack of biscuit or any stationery or anything that he does not feel the need of) I have tried discussing things with him in a healthy way but he yells at everything without realizing that kids are growing up and understands all. Even he yells at my elder daughter as well.

    So cutting many nasty things short, I am thinking of moving back India because of un-supportive, selfish & dominating spouse who does not even care for his own kids and I never knew this would happen. Since beginning, I never looked up to him for any of my or kids needs.... its NOW when I actually needed support and what i got was/is heartbreaking! He is not IN for moving back but I cannot pull it long. If I plan to move back, at least, I have some family support which is missing here. I feel that putting me down, insulting me whether at home or in front of others, shouting at me has become his fav. things to do. He loves to rule at me and treats me as his slave. I came here with hopes which are badly shattered.

    I am told repeatedly that I am taking the worst decision of my life by thinking of moving back - not only by him but by many others.... Somehow I feel, I will be better getting independent again in my home country - and for that I will certainly need little support. I am left with no finance or savings (all given in this process of settling in new country) and I am back to zero but I still have hopes to make it better soon.

    Pls. suggest - Am I thinking wrong ??? What's the best way forward in my situation?

    Few more points in short that in posted in other thread:
    1. What to do when ILs are equally nasty as spouse? Despite of being good to them in every way possible and many a times doing things going out of way for them, ILs are always on H side - no matter what. After all, blood is thicker... !

    2. My spouse is too good in arguments and an expert in putting me down in all matters. He has a very clear and ideal image outside but I know his real colors. I have 2 DDs. My elder one who is in teens now also understanding things and hate it to the core what he does to me but at the same time she feels horrified thinking what if I take a decision of divorce or living separate from my spouse (which keeps on running in my head every now and then these days). Though I have never told her what I am thinking but my DD can make out easily that this is one of the possible outcomes of her parents daily fights and dirty arguments (for absolutely NO logical reasons). She is afraid of me taking this harsh step and she has discussed this with me many times pleading no to think on these lines. I have always consoled her stating that she should trust me and help me in being strong - trust me that whatever I'll do would be the best for all of us!

    3. I have tried talking with my H many times with clear head and heart but what I start as healthy discussion ends shortly in nasty fight and my blood boil - reason being he always makes me the culprit and starts shooting blame bullets on me stating everything that has ever happened wrong is because of me, that I am stupid, DUD, good for nothing and brainless with poor vision and no planning. Every time this happens, something in me breaks and then refuses to heal. Now I have stopped taking initiatives.

    4. He is control freak. Starting from what to buy, from where to buy, how much to pay, what to cook - to an extent how to cook and what all ingredients in what what ratio to be added, what I should wear, Whether I should put lip color and coal or not! And despite of doing all as per his choice, he is still a mean critic finding faults in whatever I do. Now I have stopped pleasing him. Even stopped cooking for him. The only thing where he is least bothered is kids studies and other activities where he should be equally involved. He doesn't have time for that. How strange!

    5. He does not hesitate in cracking joke in front of people - at my expense. Making fun of me in front of everyone is his favorite thing to do. I tried making him understand but as usual, he put things on me saying that I am a spoil sport and that I cannot take a joke and I am always up to fight!! Now, I have kind of cut my outings with him. Just for the sake of kids, I go out with all.

    I am educated and self dependent female who believes in family ties, our tradition and culture and am God fearing. I am very high on patience level as well. But now I am feeling broken and empty. I cannot hold it longer. I am not sure how adverse it will impact my girls if I take a decision of moving out and living a separate life (without or with divorce) but I also feel what impact it will leave on my DDs when they will grow seeing their mother getting insulted every day, shattered and crushed, with low self-esteem!!

    My only reason of worry is - If I go taking harsh step of separation (with or without divorce), I may have to cut my ties with my DDs paternal grandparents and relations on that side because my MIL holds very strong control. I dont want my DDs to be deprived of close relations - not sure if I am thinking wrong!



    I am loosing my vision and confidence.... that's how putting it with such a long post here to understand how I can make things better and which way to choose.

    Pls. guide ladies.... this struggle is killing me.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    You need a decision. Or, you think you need a decision.
    You should consult a counselor, to get help in making a decision.
    However, if you do not have the means, or access to one, you can google for information.
    About how to organize your thoughts, to define the problem you (think you) have.

    You have put down your story in a long essay.
    Imagine your husband writing that essay from his point of view.
    Or the elder, teenage child, writing her essay for her point of view.
    Or the younger one...
    Or your mother in law....
    .....your mother....
    Or whoever matters in the lives of each one of the above people....

    People operate on what is in their self interest. Lack of self-interest in the extreme is nihilism. A clever mix of self-interest and altruism happens when you are a parent. People need self-interest. Occasional self absorption is also OK ["he has no improper pride", said Lizzy Bennet to to her daddy when the latter said something unkind about Darcy:rolleyes:].

    You found Narcissism in someone with whom you've had two children ? For this, I would recommend the platitude:"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade". In your husband's essay, you may even find that he'd already been making lemonade. Share a glass, and toast for a good life. Learn to manage a Narcissist with Panchatantra. upload_2020-3-5_10-27-59.png
    You might find your life both eventful and exhilarating. And if you happen to spend a few more years in this effort, there is no downside at all. If you succeed you'd go on to live happily ever after. If you fail, you'd find yourself with children who no longer need child support, and divorce is a much simpler legal procedure of divvying up the treasure of the homestead.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2020
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  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Your situation is very sad and hugs to you.

    Moving to India with kids should not be your option as kids will never see the father (divorce or separation). Both parents being near the kids is the best arrangement for the kids (divorce or separation). Find a job here, or switch fields and try other industries. If you have a job every torture you have mentioned will subside surely.

    I went through all these and once I was working full time I felt very relieved. My ex-husband used to send all the money to his parents, criticize me, never helped in anything, no love/care and I was paying for my kid and the house expenses and didnt have much savings. But I had peace of mind for 10 hours a day at my office and weekends I take my kid and go to parks, malls etc and enjoy. Just imagine he is non-existent and keep going.

    Find a job. please.
     
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  4. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Amulet - respect your opinion but still would like to answer on few of your comments.

    I sensed a lot of sarcasm in your reply.... and felt strange as its coming from a senior female member.

    "You need a decision. Or, you think you need a decision"
    - you really think if I would have arrived on any decision, I would have written this long post or ESSAY ? No one knows me and that's the beauty of this forum that one can pour his/her heart without getting conscious. Ofcourse, I want to know if I am thinking right or need to do reality check again.

    Yes, I have put down my story in a long essay (cannot write full story here...lol). This is still short for me. I have gone thru a lot and have always molded myself to sail thru but at times, enough is enough!

    I would love if My husband can express in this way - which i understand he cannot else this situation would not have arrived. He runs one way traffic.....

    My teenage D need not to write any essay as I am always with her to listen her stories, essays and whatever. I have all the listening ears and understanding heart and she finds a good friend in me and hence she talks to me freely on everything. She has acknowledged it many a times.

    I will make sure same should be the equation with my lill one.....

    My mother in law.... she is also happy with me as I have always been a listening and doing DIL for her, never raised my voice or never answered her back - no matter what! She talks whatever she wants to!

    My mother.... She feels she is the blesses one to have me as her daughter and ofcourse, I feel great about it.

    You found Narcissism in someone with whom you've had two children ?
    Really??? Is this something new???

    When life hands you lemons, make lemonade - I know this technique by heart and that's the reason of my survival so far and to your above line!

    But as I said, at times, one feels that enough is enough and is thoroughly exhausted juggling with all the tricks and techniques and I guess I am in that phase now. Really exhausted and tired....
     
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  5. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you Senorita for Empanthy.... at times, you really need to vent out and to cry without being judged!

    I know that I have never done wrong to anyone with purpose or with intention... rather have always taken un-necessary burden on self thinking other person should not feel hurt or bad.

    Sometimes I feel this is what I did wrong. I should always have considered myself as the priority or should have kept myself first than anything else!

    Pls. excuse me for my long Essays and uncontrollable thoughts....

    and yes, you are right, I should find a stable job but here or in my home country.... I feel more at peace in my home country. I have no one here.... all my people are back there.[/QUOTE]
     
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  6. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Do you have a WP or PR ? If so start working and save money.Never have a joint account with H.If your health permits you can take up 2 part time jobs and earn a decent income.Once you are financially strong you can decide what you want to do next.
    Moving between countries may not be a good option when it comes to studies.But still doable.
    Entry level jobs can pay you at least 20/hr .so with your experience you should be able to grab something big.
    Wish you the best to overcome this phase
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, you should ask yourself. What do you want in your life?

    Can you completely stop chasing your dh and giving importance to him. Stop fighting or arguing. Dont engage him in any way. Talk only in positive way if possible. These kind of people are very egoistic. You need to carefully handle them. Dont waste your time to change with him. Stop it and focus on your life, slowly he get the message that he dont have any influence on you. Set him free.

    Going back to India will be bad idea. You came here to have a better life for your kids. They are in teens, within a few years they will be away for their education. What will you do then ? You have already invested these many years. Few more years will pass very fast. So try to focus on your life. Learn not to take your husband's action to your heart. Accept that your dh has some illness, thats it. Stop asking permission for each and everything. Do what you think is right. Staying single here is easier than in India.

    Find a job , like @senorita2019 mentioend it will give you the much needed diversion and confidence. Build you life with your kids and you , as if your dh dont exist. Try to gain independence in all aspects. Its like planing an exit, but if your married life improve, you can continue , if not you will have a solid base to build your own life. This what @Amulet tried to convey to you, I believe. Also consult an attorney and learn about the legal side.

    Kids need both of you. Divorced or separated doesn't mean that both of you are going to give up on your parental duties. Denying them father and going back is not a good idea. So you should think from their side too.

    Why do you need to cut your relation with their grand parents or relatives. The issue is between you and dh. If they are genuine and loving towards your kids , it will be like that even if you separate. If they remove your kids from their mind after separation, do you think that's worth investing. Your kids will be busy with their own life. So dont overthink. Build a good relation with them. Face whatever comes in your way later. Also tell your daughter you both will be there for them.

    I recently met an Indian lady with three daughters. She was in a loveless marriage. After 25 years of marriage she decided to quit. She regret her decision of staying in that marriage for long fearing parents, society etc, because after divorce only she realized what she was missing in her life for long. She is remarried now. My point is, we cannot predict what is in store for us. Only time will reveal. But whatever it may be, face it courage and confidence. Staying or leaving in this marriage needs immense strength.

    Anyway, evaluate all options. Staying here, going back, pluses, minuses etc..
    Hope you will get some clarity soon. If not, try counselling for yourself(EAP program support it if you are employed).

    -------
    Just read this "Now that I have started working, I am finding it very difficult to give time to my DDs due to all work and home chores where in I have absolutely NO help and H lives in his own world"
    Good that you have job, manage your finance yourself, have your own bank account (don't give you money to dh. Why you have financial issue?). There are many women who live like that. In my case too, I do most of household jobs with my busy career. If I can do it you can do it. There are many posts on IL on how to invest time wisely for everything. Consider yourself as single and build your life. With good planing you can mange it.

    Take control of your life into your hands.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    [/QUOTE]


    Dont say you dont know anyone here. There are tons of nice people, you are not going out and making friends.
    Join local meet up groups or join classes or volunteer or go hiking with people. going to India without your husband is not a ride in the park. so much ridicule and sarcastic remarks, very painful to hear it. In my case my own parents were ashamed of my divorce. Stay in Canada and make a life for yourself. Trust me you wont regret.

    Kids also have good education and future because even if this relationship culminates to divorce there is a good support system here for you and kids.
     
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Will your husband even let you take your kids with you if you decide to leave? I would get a consultation with a lawyer who knows immigration issues in cases of separation, so you know your legal options clearly.
     
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  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Op, your story seems very complicated with all the emotional aspects to it. But as I read it, here are some questions and my thoughts.

    1. If you move back, do you think you can live peacefully?
    2. Will you get enough support - family, friends, care takers?
    3. Where do you think you can find a fitting job faster?
    4. Do you want your DH to co parent your kids? I see one of them is older, but still that kid might want to have a bond, no matter what it seems right now?
    5. You say you have used all of your savings for settling in Canada. So can you emotionally and financially go through moving to India?

    Here, as your kids grow up, growing up in a different country where they don't have very many relatives, would make them want to have some relations with extended family. As the kids grow up, I do not think it is fair to deny them of that. But you are their mother, you know what is best for them. Did they live in India with close ties with extended family before you moved to Canada? (Apologize if I didn't notice in one of your posts, I haven't read all of you posts, just this one and previous long one)

    I see you have moved to Canada in 2018, so you gave it 2 years so far. A lot of times life in Canada and US are not what we have envisioned from outside those countries. But do a reality check on your goals when you moved here, and now? Did you meet any of your expectations professionally and/or personally? Initial years are supposed to be struggling, but if they were to be not rewarding, it can be very intimidating to our self worth. As you know now, your DH is not going to support you, reevaluate your goals. Can you achieve them where you are or is India better? Make your self a list on worth staying for and not. Do you have friends whom you can trust these information with for a second opinion?

    If you decide separation is the way to go, talk to DH as soon as you can. There is no point in dragging yourself in misery and putting kids through this. Start working towards that way. You might want to be civil when you part your ways, because kids are involved. As soon as you tell DH let the kids know too. They will have counselors in school for families who go through separation. Get their help if needed, because it is important. We do not talk enough about mental health, with minimal support system in foreign country, get all the help you can. You will be grateful in the future. Before you get separated, see how you manage by yourself with out DH. I would suggest hang on to the job in Canada. That is by starting not involving him in any activities in the household (might be easier since he is not involved already).

    If you are separated, be it in India or in Canada, you will have to deal with the job, house chores and everything yourself. Hired help is cheaper in India, and how many times do you think your parents can support you when you need help? I think you have to be mentally prepared for doing everything yourself in case of separation. Then if you get any extra help that is bonus. If you kids can help you in chores, delegate some of it. Does the kids support the idea of moving back to India?
     
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