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Forwarded messages which were so impressive

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by rajmiarun, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I get a lot of messages forwarded by my brother, friends and Uncle. I find so many of these so impressive and thought of sharing these with you.

    10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.



    1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
    Stupid Question:-
    Hey, what are you doing here?
    Answer:-
    Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..


    2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
    Stupid Question:-
    Sorry, did that hurt?
    Answer:-
    No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

    3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
    Stupid Question:-
    Why, why him, of all people.
    Answer:-
    Why? Would it rather have been you?

    4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
    Stupid Question:-
    Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
    Answer:-
    No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

    5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
    Stupid Question:-
    Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
    Answer:-
    Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

    6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
    Stupid Question:-
    Is the guy you're marrying good?
    Answer:-
    No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

    7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
    Stupid Question:-
    Sorry. were you sleeping?
    Answer:-
    No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

    8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
    Stupid Question:-
    Hey have you had a haircut?
    Answer:-
    No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

    9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
    Stupid Question:-
    Tell me if it hurts?
    Answer:-
    No it wont. It will just bleed.

    10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
    Stupid Question:-
    Oh, so you smoke.
    Answer:-
    Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
     
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  2. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    This is from a Software Marketing Director

    GANDHISM- Have a great weekend

    Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the
    M.K.Gandhi
    Institute for Non-violence, in his June 9 lecture at the University of
    Puerto Rico, shared the following story:
    I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my
    grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban, South Africa, in the
    middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had no
    neighbors, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to
    town to visit friends or go to the movies.

    One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conference,
    and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my mother gave me a
    list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day in town My father
    asked me to take care of several pending chores, such as getting the car
    serviced.
    When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, "I will meet you here
    at
    5:00 p.m., and we will go home together."

    After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie
    theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I forgot
    the
    time. It was 5:30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and
    got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting for me, it was
    almost
    6:00. He anxiously asked me, "Why were you late?" I was so ashamed of
    telling him I was watching a John Wayne western movie that I said, "The car
    wasn't ready, so I had to wait," not realizing that he had already called
    the garage.

    When he caught me in the lie, he said: "There's something wrong in the way
    I
    brought you up that didn't give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In
    order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I'm going to walk home 18
    miles and think about it."

    So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the dark
    on mostly unpaved, unlit roads.
    I couldn't leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him,
    watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered. I
    decided then and there that I was never going to lie again.

    I often think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me the way
    we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I
    don't think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the
    same thing. But this single non - violent action was so powerful that it is
    still as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence.
     
  3. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    This is from a Software Marketing Director

    The lighter side for a change !



    INFOSYSism <WBR>
    You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking. <WBR>



    WIPROism GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.
    <WBR>
    DELLism <WBR>
    Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.



    IBMism <WBR>
    You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen. <WBR>



    <SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","MICROSOFTism******************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you.* Spend a million\ndollars to feed poorer\ncows.*********
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nINTELism**********************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nMicrosoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your** cows &\nwonder why they don't run\nfast.***************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nSUNism************************<WBR>**********************\n
    \nYou have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate** Microsoft.********************<WBR>**********************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>************\n
    \nORACLEism*********************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help\nmilk\ncows.********************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nSAPism************************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for* cows implemented by\nmilking\nconsultants.*************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nAPPLEism**********************<WBR>******************\n
    \nYou have a cow. You sell\niMilk.***************\n
    \n\n
    \n\n\n\n*
    \n\n
    \n\n\n\nSONYism***********************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the* world's thinnest\nmilk.*************************<WBR>******\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>***\n
    \nCITIBANKism*******************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nWelcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If** you have a bull,\npress 2...stay on line if you'd like* our customer care to milk it for\nyou.****************\n
    ",1]);//--></SCRIPT>MICROSOFTism <WBR>
    You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.
    <WBR> <WBR>
    INTELism <WBR>
    Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows & wonder why they don't run fast.
    <WBR> <WBR>
    SUNism <WBR>
    You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft. <WBR>
    <WBR>
    ORACLEism <WBR>
    You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.
    <WBR> <WBR>
    SAPism <WBR>
    You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.
    <WBR> <WBR>
    APPLEism <WBR>
    You have a cow. You sell iMilk.



    SONYism <WBR>
    You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk. <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    CITIBANKism <WBR>
    Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.
    <SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**********\n
    \nHPism*************************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions\nthrough authorised resellers\nonly.*************************<WBR>*************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nGEism*************************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds\nout, that's his imagination* at\nwork.*************************<WBR>********************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nRELIANCEism*******************<WBR>***********************\n
    \nYou don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because\nDhirubhai wanted everyone* to have\nmilk.*************************<WBR>***************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>*************\n
    \nTATAism***********************<WBR>****************************\n
    \n******************************<WBR>******************************<WBR>**************\n
    \nYou have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow
    .*
    \n\n
    \n\n\n\n*
    \n\n
    \n\n</div>\n\n</div>\n\n\n\n",0]);//--></SCRIPT> <WBR> <WBR>
    HPism <WBR>
    You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only. <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    GEism <WBR>
    You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work. <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    RELIANCEism <WBR>
    You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk. <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    TATAism <WBR>
    <WBR> <WBR>
    You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.
    </DIV>
     
  4. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Question : You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

























    Answer:
    Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ...using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

    another deadly answer. Scroll down a little


    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...




    Another solution:
    You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

    If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...




    Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)

    "TIP TIP barsa Pani.

    Pani ne aag lagayee."

    us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...



    If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down








    Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega"




    Searching for me.....I am also searching for the person who sent it to me!!!


     
  5. Manjureddy

    Manjureddy Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    Good set of Aruvai jokes as they are called in tamil. Be careful, someone might steal them to use in a tamil film for Vadivelu and gang !:p

    Manjula
     
  6. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot

    More to follow. Keep sending your feed back
     
  7. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    This is from a Software HR

    Dhirubhai gave management a whole new 'ism'

    <!-- wml_version_starts -->Dhirubhai Ambani was no ordinary leader. He was a man who gave management a whole new "ism".

    There is a new "ism" that I've been meaning to add to the vast world of words for quite a while now. Because, without exaggeration, it's a word for which no synonym can do full justice: "Dhirubhaism".

    Inspired by the truly phenomenal Dhirubhai H Ambani, it denotes a characteristic, tendency or syndrome as demonstrated by its inspirer. Dhirubhai, on his part, had he been around, would have laughed heartily and declared, "Small men like me don't inspire big words!"

    There you have it - now that is a classic Dhirubhaism, the tendency to disregard one's own invaluable contribution to society as significant.

    I'm sure everyone who knew Dhirubhai well will have his or her own little anecdote that illustrates his unique personality. He was a person whose heart and head both worked at peak efficiency levels, all the time. And that resulted in a truly unique and remarkable work philosophy, which is what I would like to define as Dhirubhaism.

    Let me explain this new "ism" with a few examples from my own experiences of working with him.

    Dhirubhaism No 1: Roll up your sleeves and help. You and your team share the same DNA. Reliance, during Vimal's heady days had organized a fashion show at the Convention Hall, at Ashoka Hotel in New Delhi.

    As usual, every seat in the hall was taken, and there were an equal number of impatient guests outside, waiting to be seated. I was of course completely besieged, trying to handle the ensuing confusion, chaos and protests, when to my amazement and relief, I saw Dhirubhai at the door trying to pacify the guests.

    Dhirubhai at that time was already a name to reckon with and a VIP himself, but that did not stop him from rolling up his sleeves and diving in to rescue a situation that had gone out of control. Most bosses in his place would have driven up in their swank cars at the last moment and given the manager a piece of their minds. Not Dhirubhai.

    When things went wrong, he was the first person to sense that the circumstances would have been beyond his team's control, rather than it being a slip on their part, as he trusted their capabilities implicitly. His first instinct was always to join his men in putting out the fire and not crucifying them for it. Sounds too good a boss to be true, doesn't he? But then, that was Dhirubhai.

    Dhirubhaism No 2: Be a safety net for your team. There used to be a time when our agency Mudra was the target of some extremely vicious propaganda by our peers, when on an almost daily basis my business ethics were put on trial. I, on my part, putting on a brave front, never raised this subject during any of my meetings with Dhirubhai.

    But one day, during a particularly nasty spell, he gently asked me if I needed any help in combating it. That did it. That was all the help that I needed. Overwhelmed by his concern and compassion, I told him I could cope, but the knowledge that he knew and cared for what I was going through, and that he was there for me if I ever needed him, worked wonders for my confidence.

    I went back a much taller man fully armed to face whatever came my way. By letting us know that he was always aware of the trials we underwent and that he was by our side through it all, he gave us the courage we never knew we had.

    Dhirubhaism No 3: The silent benefactor. This was another of his remarkable traits. When he helped someone, he never ever breathed a word about it to anyone else. There have been none among us who haven't known his kindness, yet he never went around broadcasting it.

    He never used charity as a platform to gain publicity. Sometimes, he would even go to the extent of not letting the recipient know who the donor was. Such was the extent of his generosity. "Expect the unexpected" just might have been coined for him.

    Dhirubhaism No 4: Dream big but dream with your eyes open. His phenomenal achievement showed India that limitations were only in the mind. And that nothing was truly unattainable for those who dreamed big.

    Whenever I tried to point out to him that a task seemed too big to be accomplished, he would reply: " No is no answer!" Not only did he dream big, he taught all of us to do so too. His one-line brief to me when we began Mudra was: "Make Vimal's advertising the benchmark for fashion advertising in the country."

    At that time, we were just a tiny, fledgling agency, tucked away in Ahmedabad, struggling to put a team in place. When we presented the seemingly insurmountable to him, his favourite response was always: "It's difficult but not impossible!" And he was right. We did go on to achieve the impossible.

    Both in its size and scope Vimal's fashion shows were unprecedented in the country. Grand showroom openings, stunning experiments in print and poster work all combined to give the brand a truly benchmark image. But way back in 1980, no one would have believed it could have ever been possible. Except Dhirubhai.

    But though he dreamed big, he was able to clearly distinguish between perception and reality and his favourite phrase "dream with your eyes open" underlined this.

    He never let preset norms govern his vision, yet he worked night and day familiarizing himself with every little nitty-gritty that constituted his dreams constantly sifting the wheat from the chaff. This is how, as he put it, even though he dreamed, none of his dreams turned into nightmares. And this is what gave him the courage to move from one orbit to the next despite tremendous odds.

    Dhirubhai was indeed a man of many parts, as is evident. I am sure there are many people who display some of the traits mentioned above, in their working styles as well, but Dhirubhai was one of those rare people who demonstrated all of them, all the time.

    And that's what made him such a phenomenal team builder and achiever. Yes, we all need "Dhirubhaisms" in our lives to remind us that if it was possible for one person to be all this and more, we too can. And like him, go on to achieve the impossible too.
     
  8. sathya

    sathya Gold IL'ite

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    haha..mmmm..

    hello

    sirithu sirithu siragadithen
    sinthanai seithu perumaikonden
    ketka koodatha kelvidanai kettu
    sirikka koodatha(?) idathinil sirithu
    sindanai mattum seyyavendiya idathil
    seyya vaithai

    haha
    sathya
     
  9. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks

    Dear Manju and Satya,
    Thanks a lot. Will post more as and when I get.
     
  10. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    English that we should learn

    A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new school in Mumbai. He had reported for his duty two days later after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing .......

    Dear Sir,
    If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker. This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reajon, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I tolded I has headache problem due to migration. Still the cleark rejected to give ticket to I and my sun. I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk.
    At first she also rejectd. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun. Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life. I hope you will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
    May God blast you! Yours awfully, Jaggu Bhai
     

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