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Forgiving In Laws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ruby2019, Dec 26, 2020.

  1. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi everyone, I am really hoping to seek some good insights and advise from you ladies. I have read a lot of threads here about issues with in laws and how it has affected you all. I wanted to seek advice on how you guys move on from it.

    My marriage is on the rocks and I would say 60% due to husband and 40% due to what they have done to me. Since I started having issues with my husband, I’ve been begging them for help to talk to their son. My husband has had a lot of Low moments due to his condition and no one was there for him.

    Long story short, my issue is that I am mentally very very affected by the in laws. They have always cursed me, talked **** about me and MIL will even hang up when I’m talking on the phone. If I talk F2F, she will turn her face to the ceiling. They have called me all kinds of names and thrown so much of accusations to me.

    I think now cause I’m very down, these words keep ringing in my head all day ans night. I can’t sleep at night cause of this - will be awake till 4am just thinking about what they said. From the min I wake up, I’ll catch myself mentally having conversations with them about how evil they have been to me. And I will just sit and cry non stop. Once I go prayer room, my tears will roll down. MIL is a scheming witch and SIL thinking their innocent mum is being bullied. We are here with issues and they have celebrations and outings every weekend - lot of common friends/relatives post pics. I’ve blocked them all off on social media but sometimes here and there it appears.

    Bottom line is that I feel Unjust. They know that my dad is not around and it’s only my mother around. Since no one to speak up for me, they treat me this way. I’ve had my MIL hang up and walk away from me when I was crying so badly saying she need to go and eat. All these incidents are hurting me from deep inside and I can’t let go.

    I have started to book an appointment with a therapist cause I know I am going mad. The devil in my head is dancing and reminding me of everything. I keep myself occupied but so so so many times I’ll catch myself having their thoughts coming back in my head, it’s very subconscious.

    Please, anyone here has any advice on how you moved on or got over the hurt from your in laws when they cursed and threw accusations at you? Any advice for my mental health will be very appreciated. Honestly, I don’t need to forgive them. I just need to be able to let go.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must feel like a vicious cycle only interrupted by the oblivion of sleep when the fatigued mind finally stops thinking for a while.

    The bright side in this is that you are very aware of what you are experiencing. You are also quite clear about what you need or want: "Honestly, I don’t need to forgive them. I just need to be able to let go." It takes people years or decades to come to the realization that forgiveness, at least for them, is highly overrated.

    It's all in the mind and in our thoughts. If we can start to manage our thoughts, we start to experience peace a tiny morsel at a time. It becomes like a magnet attracting iron filings. The more morsels of peace we are able to attach to us, the more peace arrives. OK.. that sounds weird, but you get the gist.

    Try meditation or more specifically mindfulness practice. Check out a few ways of guided meditation or mindfulness, and stick which whichever works best. Give it time. Mindfulness does not bring instant relief like a painkiller. Don't be discouraged by any past attempts or when the initial few weeks hardly feel like "mindfulness" is not helping in any way or that your thoughts are all over the place no matter how hard you try.

    Other than that, try to rephrase or reframe a few things. If they are enjoying life and having outings, that is good. If they were suffering, you would want to or have to help them. If they are not willing to listen to your requests to talk with your husband, try to think that this is better than them interfering and causing more damage instead of help.

    Blocking doesn't help much on social media. Unless you step off social media completely except for 1-1 contact with a few. And take that therapist appointment as soon as you can. Don't keep delaying it for reasons like need to find the best therapist.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Only you can help you and heal yourself. No one is going to live your life.
    Based your old post I wonder, why are you still in this marriage? I think you are currently on the right path. It will be better if you can find a therapist of Indian origin ( if you are in USA) who can understand Indian marriages/MIL plus issues with dh. Are they(PILs/SIL) living with you?
    Hugs to you OP, please seek help.

    Any problem can be solved only if we understand the situation very well. Look like you know very well who these people are. Accept it. You can not change them. Completely remove any expectations you have. They are treating you that way because, for whatever reason, you are available to be treated badly. The best medicine to these people are indifference. Limit interactions, talk only about topics like weather dont take any of their comments to heart. Look at them like watching mentally sick people. That will give you a different angle of looking at this problem. You can always maintain your high standard and culture by being empathetic to them if needed. Try to detach emotionally from them but treat them like you treat any stranger. Take a decision that you won't allow these people to take away your happiness. Its within you. You have to find it.

    Let them do whatever they want. Who cares? But learn to say NO in an assertive way.. Drive all your energy to your self. You need to love yourself. You have to be healthy in spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical aspects. You have to get out of this trauma. Live your life to the fullest. So whenever those thoughts come to your mind, tell yourself that you can't reverse the past. Its done. Assure yourself that you won't allow those past events to spoil your present or future. Focus on what you do (read about mindfulness). Divert your mind. Take a decision that you will not waste even a second thinking about all those nasty people in your life. Force your mind to positive aspects. Maintain a distance from all those negative people. You may find helpful videos in youtube on how to heal yourself.

    You dont have to forgive them if you don't want to, but you have to forgive yourself for wasting time thinking about them. Your decision to forgive or not, is not going to affect them in anyway. But it will add negativity to you. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that we accept what they did or forget it, its our decision to look forward and move on.

    Find a therapist soon. Help yourself. Be strong and positive.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2020
    Ruby2019, Vaikuntha, SCA and 5 others like this.
  4. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through, I can say only one thing you don't have control on external world , but you have control of your inner world , you have to heal yourself internally then automatically you will move on from this issues.

    This is possible only through yoga,breathing exercises meditation.

    With these things will not change but the perspective you look at them will surely change
     
    Ruby2019 and drdiva like this.
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Ruby - sorry about the difficulties you are facing. I’m not sure why you are crying. I hope you find it within you to work on whatever it is that is making you cry so much. If you cannot mend it, if it is outside your control then know that MIL is the wrong person to be crying to.
    Is she your mom? No.
    Did you treat her like your mom and still receive this treatment? Don’t be hurt. Many of us have. When it’s your turn to require emotional support is when you will know who is truly there for you and who is the package. I always tell myself that it was God’s way of showing me who are actually my people and who are there only for the good times.
    Package - the package that DH came in. Everything else is really nice except for the package. Can’t change it, unfortunately. I still get angry at times. It’s easier to think in terms of - not my mom. Not my support system. She’s your MIL, not your mom. Don’t expect her to empathize like your mom.

    I’ve told myself a million times that if I truly love my DH it shouldn’t be too hard to let go. It still hurts. Still makes me angry. Still makes me mad. It’s not easy to let go. I just am so busy that the monetary anger is forgotten after a few weeks of mulling over it in my head. I also have a very supportive family. That helps.

    Hang in there. I hope you find help for whatever it is that’s bothering you. A counselor is a very good starting point. Especially if there are other issues in your marriage. I did see a non Indian one for a while. She did have a lot of tips about dealing with the MIL. I also had other things that I needed help with and that was the primary reason for seeing her. The MIL problem came up enough number of times for her to help me with it. I felt it helped a lot.
     
  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    @Ruby2019, hugs to you for whatever you are going through.

    You need to take some really hard decisions in order to preserve your residual energy and sanity.

    1. You must learn to sort out issues with your H yourself. Stop seeking help of parents or in-laws. After a point, one has to take up their own cross and move forward. Nobody will (can) carry our load for long. None!

    Is your marriage beyond repair? Then wise thing is to end it and move on. If you can repair it, then figure out how you can. Thanks to God’s marvellous creation, we all are equipped enough to deal with life’s uncertainties, its just that we believe and take courage to do whatever life demands us to do at a given point in time.

    2. Do not talk to your MIL. What is the point in trying to talk to someone who is just not willing to listen what you say?? Just not MIL.. you shouldn’t waste a second of your life on anybody who is not interested In you. Respect yourself. Life is too precious to waste on pointless relationships.

    3. Let them party. You can’t control it and remember the hard fact, people won’t stop operating just because we are down. Not even our our near and dear will do that. We can’t expect it to happen either. They have their lives and have a right to carry on as they wish.

    4. Name calling, accusations, bad mouthing, cursing and all the rest ... its the story of every other DIL of our society. Some are enduring and some are taking some real courageous steps and improving their lives. Your life your decision. You are your own architect.

    5. In your inlaws house, you can never get the same treatment you got at your parents house. Being pampered and all will end. It just never happens. Expecting itself is a wrong step. After marriage every women go through this ‘wake up to the reality’ phase. Please wakeup and accept some hard realities. Your are not your MILs daughter. According to MILs DILs are fit for nothing, home breaking, having it all together gratitude-less people and her child snatchers. Do you think you can expect anything from her?? Do you still want to live in denial after all you have seen of her?

    6. You want a happy marriage and caring inlaws. Everyone does. But life has given something what you never dreamt of and totally unprepared what do you do now? Keep wanting it anyway and expecting everything will be alright?? Help yourself and you need to stop pushing yourself hard towards this happy marriage / relationships thing. It takes two to keep the relationship. You did your part and if the other person didn’t then you need to help yourself and create the life you want. Cut the losses.

    7. Regarding all the past baggage that is troubling you... healing takes time. Give yourself some time. If you make use of time appropriately, you will heal.

    Keeping yourself busy is the best way ... study something, achieve something, create some goals in life and achieve those ... invest in yourself.

    If you invest in yourself and build yourself bit by bit, one day you will turn back to see your progressed self and laugh at whatever your MIL and H did to push you to whatever you have “become” that time in the future.
     
    Ruby2019, Vaikuntha, dhara18 and 2 others like this.
  7. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    You can not keep replaying the same movie in your head again and again. nothing good will come. You thinking more about them than they are about you. forgive means forgive and forget.

    for a second keep them aside. I have not read any of your old messages, but if you in a abusive, loveless, emotionally disconnected marriage. fix that , if you cannot, move out. it is better to be alone than die every day.

    therapist will listen and max they can give can medicines. it will fix like bandaid. but never solve anything.

    think apart and about the big issue. you relationship with your spouse needs more attention than in laws. if he is an idiot who cannot stand for himself and also cannot stop them from entering your house. nothing good will ever come.
     
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand your pain...
    One way to overcome this is to keep yourself very busy in your career and hobbies, keep yourself as first priority, I.e make yourself financially independent, self groomed, healthy and happy and do not give importance to others...
    That alone can help you to be physically and mentally healthy...
    Do not force yourself to forgive anyone, you are just human...
    Instead try to be detached so any more wrong doings by them can be dealt by you...
    Good you’re seeing a therapist, hopefully you should be able to sort this out.
     
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  9. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello ladies. Thank you so so so much for your inputs and love.

    The healing has been really tough and I’ve done a lot of what has been suggested. I started meditating last year, do journaling, stopped talking to them and going to their place, took up new sports and new hobbies and tried to focus on my career. I’ve really been doing everything to keep my mind occupied but each fleeting moment I keep catching my mind going back to them. Even if it’s just a few spare mins, it just goes to them and I have imaginary conversations. It’s really really tough. Mainly it’s the unjust that I feel and not getting closure. From what you all have shared, it’s going to a tough road but a battle that only I can control with my mind. I’ll continue doing that.

    Thank you so much once again.
     
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  10. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    I want to add one thing to all the wonderful replies you have got here. These questions ... why me? why the unjust ? How can I get closure ? How can they be different with me vs their own kids(son or daughter) are really big road blocks to your healing. I do not completely understand the way Karma works but trust me Karma philosophy may help to silent the mind from questioning the past and channeling all the strength and energy to healing.

    "Whatever others have done to you or the hurt you have created because of outside people and situations is due to your past Karma. PERIOD.

    It could be the past karma from this life or previous life or many many lives before. That past karma has become your destiny and you are destined to meet these people and go through these situations today/in this life.

    BUT the response or the karma you create today when handling these difficult situations or difficult people will become your tomorrow/future destiny.

    Essentially we surrender to the destiny created in past gracefully and create our own destiny again."

    This could be a very naïve understanding of karma but it helps me to silent the mind and focus on productive and peaceful thoughts. If you want to break the pattern and create good karma then you need to deal with difficulties with positive and powerful mindset.
     
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