1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Forced to Stay in Father-in-laws vacant Flat and feeling not at home :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dhruva19, Aug 29, 2013.

  1. dhruva19

    dhruva19 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi All,

    I married my Lovely Wife [arranged marriage] in 2003. Happily married for last 10 years. Never believed in dowry system. But my FIL is always trying to give my wife jewellery, cash etc even without asking by me from time to time whenever he thinks we have some need[i have to agree to it without any choice though, as my wife never says no to her father].

    In 2008 I returned from US with my wife and son and I had to find a rented place. So my FIL forced me to stay in his Bangalore Flat as my wife/kid would be comfortable there. But I had to commute to office almost 50 km either by bus or car because of this arrangement. I agreed as I did not want to offend my FIL for his love to his daughter and I respect him a lot.[But my office life suffered due to hectic travel daily :( ]

    Then in 2011 I moved to Chennai due to my new job and I was HAPPY to find a house to my liking as I felt It is always my duty to pay for my family.

    Now last month fortunately or unfortunately I have been offered another job in Bangalore and immediately my FIL got the existing rented family vacated and got my Wife/kid shifted to the same Flat :( :( :( :( . Ofcourse I was pressured by my wife because my FIL pressured her to move to this flat.

    I personally don't feel so comfortable[may be ego] staying in my FIL's flat but i have no choice[I agreed because i love my Wife very much]. I have put all my earned money till date in buying two vacant lands and I am yet to buy my Flat with my own money.

    Is it right for In Laws to keep showering benefits even when the Son-In-Law is not asking for it. Sometimes I cannot understand why some people hate dowry system and then do the samething in their own terms. Another fact is I am from a poor background and my Wife's family is way well off now.

    Another info which will surprise you all is he got his Son married only after the girls family parted with the full dowry amount he asked. Strange isnt it ?

    Why people think and act this way I am curious ??????

    Cheers !!!!
     
    Loading...

  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,642
    Likes Received:
    23,052
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    If you are not comfortable....Tell him the long commute is effecting your health and performance...or that the company is giving flat or rent for flat. Let your wife do the talking.

    If your FIL wants to gift his daughter....let him.She is his daughter too. If you don't want to accept ...you can tell your wife to make father in law stop. If you are uncomfortable taking any gifts at all ,tell you wife.If he still wants to give,she can ask him to instead put it is some college fund for kids.

    If your wife doesn't mind...there is not much to do...let her enjoy the gifts.

    It's bad that FIL believes in dowry...you can't do much about it...just make sure you don't let your family follow that.
     
  3. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,436
    Likes Received:
    713
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    You need to take the stand and let father in law know that you can take care of your own family and doesnot wish to stay in his house.. There is nothing to feel bad if he gifts expensive things.
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    How he treats his DIL and your differing economic backgrounds are totally irrelevant here. You seem to be doing well. And have his earned your place. So why the chip on your shoulder?

    Two things here, OP. one is father pampering his daughter. That's wonderful. He is being so generous. He is buying her jewels and such with his love. It is between them. There is nothing there for you to have an opinion about except be thankful that your wife is truly blessed with a dad who still cares so much. To ask him to stop will only make you look petty.

    The second thing is about the flat. If you put aside your discomfort that it is her dads flat, you are still put off by your long commute. So, just deal with that. Also figure this out - are there better schools and facilities where the flat is? Without confusing it with the other issue, do some research. About quality of life, schools, medical care, entertainment etc etc. Then discuss it directly with your wife. Start wih the terrible commute and how it exhausts you. Pitch your case about the new area; then pray long an hard that daddy dearest just doesn't end up buying a flat there too!

    Alternately, open an RD and pay what you think the rent will be every month. Then at the end of the period, gift something big to your FIL as a thank you for helping with your accommodation.
     
    5 people like this.
  5. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,380
    Likes Received:
    1,481
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    hi make it very clear to all thth u cannot travel so much daily. suggest tht u take a rented apt near ur office and will visit ur wife and kids weekly.....sure enuf ur wife and kids will offer to shift with u to new home
     
  6. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,036
    Likes Received:
    1,330
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    he is just letting you stay there & its not as if he has registered the flat on her /your name..............if u are uncomfortable talk to your wife or her father...........
     
  7. luckysangeetha

    luckysangeetha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    960
    Likes Received:
    960
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    talking openly to him is the only solution for this. Just call your FIL and meet outside in some place and talk to him openly these points and make him understand.....
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,434
    Likes Received:
    10,565
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dowry is something, Gifting is something else. You demand for dowry, you ask for it, you market it with your marriage. Gift is voluntary, anyone can gift you anything. It is all up to you to use it or not.

    I did not give any dowry to my husband as it is not the custom in my place. But my parents and relatives keep on gifting both of us on every occasions. The value of their gifts (i mean the financial value as all the gifts are invaluable for me) vary from person to person.
    My mom gave me a piece of a land. It was so expensive.
    My brother gave me some jewelries on my birthday
    My uncles used to gift me with dresses, jewels, and other electronic gadgets... The list goes on and on... But how come such gifts amount to a dowry, which is a crime in my country? Do you think the Police can arrest anyone of us for doing this?

    I think, it is the same with your case as well.

    Since you are in Banglore, your FIL is offering this house to you to stay. If that is not causing you any physical problems, then I do not see any reason to avoid it. It is always better to stay in a known home than in a new rented place. But it is also about your comfort level.
    Have a discussion with your wife, and see how comfortable you both are in this matter. Then come to a decision.

    Do not apply your ego and dowry matter when making decisions as such.. They are totally irrelevant.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. Anbhu

    Anbhu Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    142
    Likes Received:
    60
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    "Another fact is I am from a poor background and my Wife's family is way well off now."

    Your inferiority complex is the problem. You think that "they would think you are from poor background, you cannot afford and they are offering an apartment"

    But for your FIL, when he already has an apartment how can he see his daughter living in a rented apartment.

    If you have an apartment in the same city where your daughter is looking to rent wont you offer it to her. afterall we work hard and save some money for our kids (sons as well as daughters) well being right?

    If you are really worried about living in FIL's apartment you shouldn't have shifted to this city without buying an apartment. Instead of investing in a land first you should have bought an apartment.

    Even now sell one of your land and buy an apartment here and move there.



     

Share This Page