Following Rituals and Customs

lovinglife2010 · Jul 22, 2010

Dear All,

This is my first post in this forum and I would like to receive your advise on this situation of mine. I am married for the past 3 years and we have a beautiful baby. I live abroad with my husband and baby. My husband's family is a not so well to do family and it is only my husband who pays for major expenses. My FIL is no more and so, all major decisions are taken by my husband. All my husband's savings have been spent on my SIL's weddings and other things and so, during the first few months after our wedding, we stayed in my parent's house itself, since we didnot have enough money to find a house for ourselves. My MIL lived in the village, with all the relatives living nearby.And my BIL lived and worked in the same city as ours but at about 2 hrs travel from our place.

My husband didnot have a good job, so he resigned from the job and wanted to take some time to find a good job. I was working and had a good salary. So, he searched for a good job for about 4 months. Since my husband couldnot get a good job there, and because he got a good offer abroad, he moved. I was pregnant at that time and so I lived in my parent's place itself and was working. During my delivery I resigned my job, since I planned to relocate and live with my husband after a few months.

We asked my MIL to move to the city where my BIL lived (bachelor) , since we didnot want her to feel lonely at the village house and it was about 2 hrs travel from my parent's place. Then, after my delivery I moved to stay with my husband abroad.

Why I am giving you this background is to explain that I have not lived with my MIL for more than a week at any instance. My In laws are orthodox and follow all customs that are followed in the village. But, my family is completely different. We have a lot of rational thinking. We dont do things just for the sake of it and have only concentrated on education and humanity all these years.

We had a lot of initial hiccups that happen between two families during a marriage but now theres no problem. Because I now live with my husband and we talk to our parents over phone and everything is smooth now.

The actual problem/dilemma is that we are planning to bring my MIL abroad to stay with us for some time. Here in my house, I dont do anything that is followed in my MIL's place, like lighting a lamp, washing the house entrance daily morning and evening (we dont get to do that here abroad) etc.

It is a custom in my MIL's place to light the lamp everyday evening. But I have never dont that in my life. But we do have the lamp and small idols and pictures arranged in a shelf here.

I always think that lighting the lamp doesnot hold good to this present world situation of electricity. During those days people used to light the lamps in the evenings, because it would become dark and there wont be any elctricity. But now it is not the case. Also, I dont beleive in praying to God, since I beleive in God so much and think that I dont have to ask God for anything and he has always blessed me with Good things in Life. God for me is a supreme power who will not be partial to somebody just because they pray or dont pray and that good deeds as a human being is all that is required for God's blessings.
How do I tell my MIL that I am not interested in doing this lighting the lamp as a ritual daily since I dont want to do it for the sake of doing it and that she can light the lamp daily if she is interested in it, without hurting her. Should I first talk to my husband about it?

P.S.: My husband is usually a very supportive person and loves me a lot. And, he has not had any problem with my not lighting the lamp or not praying to God daily - but he respects the customs followed in the village a lot and has sometimes told me that it is a good practise to follow daily since it would give me a routine to follow. In this situation, I am not sure what his thinking would be about this.

Please help.

sujanags · Jul 22, 2010

lovinglife,

Elders really have more beliefs towards lighting the lamp everyday in the morning and evening. They feel that Goddess Lakshmi's presence at home when they do that. There are no such strong reasons from your side on why you don't want to do it.

Anyway the relationship with in-laws is smooth now, so if possible try to light the lamp till she is here. Later you might start doing it everyday.

Still if you did not want to do when she is here, just tell her in a different way that "Ma, you are elder to me and know more about poojas and customs. So, you can light the lamp and do all poojas everyday". So, if she automatically takes control, you don't need to light lamp and she also will not ask you. Try if something like this works.

To me, this is not a very serious problem to be taken to DH's side.

Priya_Mommy · Jul 22, 2010

Lovinglife,
What is the problem in lighting the lamp in evening?? Let her stay without any simple issues,once she is back home, you can do whatever you want.
There are lot of ladies who are really going with terrible mental turmoil with their MIL's, so thinking about all those, it doesn't make any sense if you want to make an issue for a simple thing which may cause issues.
So, try to balance and move on!!!Afterall she may not stay that long there.

brahan · Jul 22, 2010

Hi,

I second Priya Mommy...Its such a simple issue and can be solved just by Lighting Lamps..I am sure you are not gonna loose anything my Lighting Lamp..Rather you are gonna gain you MIL affection by doing this...

Cheers,
Brahan

lovinglife2010 · Jul 22, 2010

Thanks to everyone for your reply.
Ofcourse this is a simmple thing. Its just that I didnot want to do something just to please my MIL and want to be honest to myself. But at the same time, I want to actually keep my MIL happy. But just wanted everyone's suggestions and their perspectives. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Peace777 · Jul 23, 2010

Good luck girl! There will be a lot of things you'll have to do just to please your MIL - albeit small things. Its the small things that matter. And usually when MIL visits even DHs change their attitude towards wife. If MIL keeps pointing out that DIL is not doing so and so small things, eventually DH will start telling you why arent you doing.
You are not deceiving anyone by following the culture of your husband's family. These small things seem a big deal, but once you start doing it doesnt seem that big.

lukywife · Jul 31, 2012

Dear lovingwiife,

see..its ur wish and ur house..she needs to adjust ..she will be incorporating her rituals in her village rite?likewise u might or might nt believ in certain things..tats ur independence nd preference..and if u adjust for such simple things,they wil start expectin many craps frm u...we indian people hav de tendency of interfering nd poking our noses in others business....and wat she think abt u is none of ur business and ur mil shld mind her own business...whether ur mom/dad intereferes in ur husbands business?then y shld ur mil do?y shld u care for such things?if u want to be happy,u incorporate urways..if u want her to be happy ,u can follow such things..I might sound so harsh..sorry for being too harsh.Adjusting is the dangerous thing in this world..since if u adjust nw,u will expect ur future generation to adjust urs(psycological thing)..So enjoy ur present wiidout losing ur identity and accept the upcomin generation's thought widout changing or spoiling der identity...

Flyingsparks · Jul 31, 2012

Hi lovinglife..others have given good advice..i second priya mommy...what is there in lighting a lamp..it's really small issue..why do you want to spoil ur sanity for that..i understand you want to be honest..but in marriage you have to be diplomatic also..it's just a matter of few mins...if you do ur mil is happy whichleads to happiness of dh which leads to your happiness...
You don't have to do something irrational which you absolutely don't like..again that is a choice..there are many people like me who do things irrespective of whether we like it or not just to keep dh and mil happy..
It is just for few months..so carrry on with it..i understand reg other rituals like washing the house entrance etc..that u explain her politely..

Keep her happy to be happy..

Foundlove · Jul 31, 2012

Dear lovingwife,

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. However don't let a little thing take your peace of mind. This may snowball into something you may not even dream of. Always pick and choose your battles.

Try these
Led Candles - Rechargeable & Battery Operated Candles with Timer, Window Candle from Mrlight.com
You don't have to light anything and she may like it and ask you to buy her some. Additionally tell her nicely that it's dangerous to keep lamps burning here if you are not present at home fire hazard and all.

Good luck
FL

Rihana · Jul 31, 2012

Lovingwife, your nature and that of in-laws seems to be completely opposite. The little things you do for adjustment will pile up, and you will start to resent it as you will be going against your beliefs and also will not get any brownie points from husband for those adjustments nor any kudos from MIL.

Be yourself. If your MIL or husband want to do something for rituals etc, let them do it. If they need any help from you like ordering stuff online or going to Indian store and buying it, do that - that is the job of a good hostess - to make the guests comfortable. But calmly say that you yourself don't do it, and explain how you believe in God. Keep explanations brief, and do not get defensive, either to MIL or husband. Do not fall into the "just do it while she is here" trap. Such things if done have to be done with sincerity or not at all.

To thine own self be true.