Finally Moved out.. </3 :(

Dear Desigirl,

Pack your bags again and go to YOUR place. Convince your husband to come to HIS home. You say you still love him, so why do you want to hurt yourself and stay where you don't belong to. I see a red flag that if you don't take steps now, it may be too late later considering the influence of his parents on him. After you both get bak home, slowly sort out the problems you have with your H first and don't talk ill about your In-laws to him unless they have done utterly bad. This will add fuel to the fire only. Work on saving the marriage. Aggressiveness will take you nowhere. Try to stay calm and talk pleasantly. He will understand the love and feelings you have for him gradually. Try to find common ground on all the matters between you both. Make sure you take care of him well.

 

Hugs to you, desigirl.

It is a huge step you have taken. I've read your threads in the past and I reread a couple again now. I can see why you took the decision you did. No wonder you feel miserable. May I suggest counselling to keep yourself strong? It might help you evaluate whether you are in love with the person or whether you just are decieving yourself (and understandably) in order to save your marriage.

Since your husband hasn't tried to get in touch with you in these 4 days, I'm tempted to believe his pride/ ego is super huge that it is going to be a severely one sided relationship should you go back. Have you tried marital counselling? He does seem to unfortunately have some deep seated issues and his parents sound like a piece of work. Unless he willingly agrees to work through them, I'm afraid nothing good can come out of this marriage.

Hang in there, sweetheart. We are here should you choose to vent. I hope and pray for your strength to pull yourself together and decide what is best for YOU.

hugs
G

ps: from your posts I see you have so much to give and have tried really hard to please. Sadly your husband doesn't seem to realize your worth. Which is really a shame. And it's his loss. Please look at it that way...

 

............:exactly:

 

I don't reply to threads very often, but after reading your story DesiGirl i was inclined to. Your story reads similar to mine, but i'm the male in the relationship. My wife had also moved out, after huge fight between her and my parents. I won't get into it, but my parents didn't make the matter easier. They had never really accepted my wife for who she was. And she was not a bad person. My friends made me realise what a good person I had. But I was always listening to my parents.

But whatever you do, please do not go back unless if he comes and gets you. Because if you do, you will fall in the same cycle again. His ego will inflate even more. Let him be a lost cause. You have the whole future ahead of you, you will get over him if need be. Or he will come to his senses and start behaving properly.

If you cave and go back, I guarantee things will not change. He will act the same and force you into a situation that you will really regret. Because then you wont have anyone to turn to. Your own family will not be as supportive as they are now. Take it from my life experience, i learned things the hard way. I'm a lot-lot older than you.

I always browse these forums and I sometimes pity some of you women who are going through such miserable marriages. And I realized my own mistakes that I made, same as some of your husbands.

A sidenote: We always look at marriages in the 'Western Culture' as if they are a joke. However, from my experience i've found, that people in the West divorce more because they KNOW what they want in their life and what they will put up with. If they are in a relationship, they are 100% in that relationship, they do not let anyone before their spouse. Their spouse is #1 for them and they divorce because the 'spouse' breaks that trust but still many try to work it out without involving families. And when they work it out, they are applauded for their efforts by their families and friends. They genuinely believe in 2nd chances and forgiveness.

Whereas in your case, you will be looked at the 'wife who caused a problem'. Because we in the 'East', make matters worse by involving our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters etc to influence our decisions and thus it becomes more of a mess. They will never look or accept you the same way. They will hold their personal grudges with you and keep interfering. Especially them being the boy's family.

You are young, you have a lot going for you. I would suggest you grab a drink of your choice, relax. Treat yourself to a spa, or go on a holiday with your best friend and let 'HIM' be.

Divorce rates in our communities are only low because we stay in miserable marriages for the sake of society...and then what, you live day to day and then you die. Leaving behind countless tears, pain, insults from husbands/in-laws. In the west people have realized 'it doesn't have to be this way'.

You only get one life live the way you want to and not because what they tell you. You have no idea amount of dirt/scandals that are hidden in your parents and relatives past. Don't think that your mother/father or that older respectful aunt/uncle was a saint. Only difference back then was, it was all kept behind closed doors and swept under the rug. The older you get the more you will find out.

At the end we are ALL human, we all go through different stages in life: jealousy, love, hate, anger etc.

Work on yourself and make yourself the #1 priority everything else will fall into place. Seriously, go workout, take a trip, do something you have never tried before. The best revenge in life is to live a happy life. Let your excuse for a husband toil thinking about your past and stay miserable. I guarantee you he is not well, he is miserable. ANd he will carry that misery into his next relationship and next. Until he gets a taste of his own medicine. Dont get sucked into his misery.

 

Come down and and think about it after you cooled down.... I'm sure you can make right decision...

 

I hate to break it to you but this is a recipe for disaster. On Nov 6 you posted you moved out and on Nov 15 you are telling us you have moved back. You certainly did not give it enough time.

As you said they were there with their guns ready. Which means, they now have the upper hand. They will continue to interfere. Where was your husband in all of this? Watching this fiasco from the sidelines? Or was he standing beside you taking ownership of his own actions? I bet not.

By you being silent does not make things better. This means you were quiet for now to quickly get back together. But this silence of yours will cost you, because it will tear your insides and create bitterness towards your in-laws and husband as they continue to berate you and you continue to stay silent. You should have defended yourself against false accusations and set things straight from your perspective, there is nothing wrong with that. Even murderers and rapists have lawyers in court defending them.

As you get back to 'normalcy' those same problems will creep back and they will continue to create resentment and bitterness in your heart. In a few years you might not recognize the person in the mirror that you have become. When you have children you might become that 'b!tchy wife' that guys at work talk about, who does not let their kids see her husband's parents or family.

You see your husband as a nice guy. Which he maybe, there are lots of nice guys, but he has to learn from all of this. If he let his parents berate you in front of him, expect that to happen in the future. And if you try to walk away in the future, they will make your life hell. Right now you claim you have no one to turn to. You actually have your parents but later on, they might not be this helpful.

So please tread with caution. I suggest to speak up and let your true feelings be known and set your boundaries with your husband and your in-laws.

Best of luck to you. I know it takes 2 to tango in life. By you being here on these forums it appears you are owning up to your mistakes in the marriage, which is a good thing, but at the same time, the same has to be done from your husband. Once he realises that his parents are also wrong at times, only then you will find some peace.

I know us indian guys are not really good at it. but we are learning. Sometimes it is way too late. I hope your husband using this 'break' as a learning moment. However, I don't see that happening because he never tried to contact you when you were apart and he watched his parents berate you.

Good Luck to you. But every person has their boiling point. If your husband brings up your past one more time, i suggest you really really consider leaving. Or give him a taste of his medicine by just agreeing to whatever nasty thing he says, say "ya i did that and did this, i have sexual organs too and you weren't in my life then, so deal with it or get the f@ck out"

 

desigirl i'm curious did you like my last post because it feels 'true' or you just liked the words in it?

Stay strong, things can only get better. My advice to a lot of you people on this site in similar situations is to keep yourself as priority #1. How can you take care of someone else if you can't take care of yourself first? So stay strong mentally and physically, keep working on yourself and improving yourself.

 

irrespective of the location people screw up their relationship. Your obsession about western marriage looks naive, IMO.