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Fight Between Me And Husband For Silly Reason.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rams22, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. rams22

    rams22 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi IL's ,

    Please bear my very long vent.

    I have been married for 4 and half years now and have a 3 year old daughter, mine is a love marriage which both of parents agreed and arranged.

    Now the problem between me and husband is very very silly and not related to both of us.

    Recently my younger BIL got married 2 months back and my younger co sis gradually become very close to me since the match got fixed and shares her everything with me and she co incidentally also happens to be my very very distant relative from my mother's side. So recently she broke down before me about an affair which my BIL has maintained abroad with his foreign colleague before wedding and it is still continuing even after their engagement and wedding. She saw the messages on his phone in which my BIL and his GF are chatting about their sex life and planning how to secretly continue the affair without knowing to my co sis. All this happened just one month into their marriage. I was so upset and didn't believe all this as i trusted my BIL a lot and have a very good rapport with him from many years I feel him as my friend and brother also I tried to pacify her that she might have mistaken him but to prove her allegations she has sent me all the screenshots from his phone and I too was shocked about all that in fact what my co sis said was true.

    I informed my husband about his brother's deeds and asked him to advice me on how to deal with my co sis who is everyday venting before me about my BIL and i am not able to avoid her as she says she didn't tell all this to her parents and her only hope to share is me. I also shared the same issue with my mother who advised me how to deal with this situation and get out of it.

    Then yesterday my mother called up to me and was telling that she got a doubt that my co sis shared everything with her parents because her parents have behaved very differently with my father and mother when they met them yesterday on some occasion and my co sis father slightly hinted my dad about the problem and was blaming as if my parents didn't inform them beforehand about my BIL affair inspite of being relatives before wedding itself and my dad got a little upset about this as they also have thought my husband's family is quite good and my BIL was a good person.

    All the while I was talking to my mom and asking her to take it easy and forget everything my husband sneaked on me and listened everything and started a fight that I am sharing everything with my mother and accused that we are badmouthing their family and his brother never did any wrong and their family is very good and all that stuff..

    I have said why are we fighting about some other outside issues and we need to stop and be happy and don't care about his brother and his wife. He said that I am spreading wrong rumors about his brother and telling everything to my mom and i am not a good person and he have lost all the respect for me and he will never talk to me in his life. I was very angry and said ok dont talk to me its ur wish, i didnt spread any rumors about him its what all i know what he did and i also have screenshots of his brother's chats and again told him this is not a very good reason to fight and lets leave it here and also I was ready to say sorry to him that i shared with my mother and was also ready to agree the mistake is mine.

    In rage I told him that his family was very bad and nobody is good and we also would have checked their background before our wedding I have trusted you and your family so well and now you are accusing me that im badmouthing (As my MIL also is not a very good person and had an affair before wedding and got pregnant with some one else's kid got aborted and married my FIL which I came to know this from my MIL's sister 4 years back and didnt let my husband know till now she also had 2 or 3 affairs even recently after my wedding and dresses provocatively even at the age of 50, all which i have kept for myself and adjusted as my husband is a very good person.)

    I was about to say sorry for what I have said but my husband suddenly called my mom and dad a very very bad word ( prostitute and son of a b***h kind) and i just couldn't bear, tears rolled down my eyes and i lost all my respect towards him I never thought he talks like this I could have told him about his mother's affair and abortion and about her character and not my parents but his mother is such a person but stopped myself very hard and cried silently all night and till now I am not talking to him.

    I don't know whether I did any such wrong that my husband had to use those words to my parents and i find it very very silly thing that we are fighting about. How to deal with this now. I am not able to forgive my husband as he used such bad words. Even knowing about his mother's character I never used those words on her till now and i will never use such words towards elders in my life.
     
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  2. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Its not good from your h's side to abuse your parents.

    May be got really furious about you discussing his family matters to your parents. You could have cut the phone the moment he started the abuse. Before calling itself you could have made him understand what had happened.

    Whatever happened is happened, do you think your husband may say sorry to your parents once he realizes? If you think so , you can ask him to do. I feel that is the right thing to do from his side to make up the abuse.
    If not, stay calm , do not discuss this matter now. Once he calms down, try to explain.

    you better of staying away from co-sister business and ask parents also not to involve. As your H aware of the matter now, let him take care of the matter. If you Co-sis tells you the same, tell that you informed your H now, see how he would look into it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
  3. rams22

    rams22 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi MNR,

    Thanks for your kind reply.

    I have now learnt my lesson and im not interfering in my co sis matters and also i was telling just about the same to my mom on phone to take those matters lite and move on we can't do anything for what had happened and my mom also told me not to have fights because of others, just then my hubby came there. He started abusing after i cut the call so my parents didnt listen to our fight.

    He knows each and everything from the day my co sis started venting to me. that day itself i told him everything and asked him to look after the issue and i dont want to interfere in his family matters.

    I too left the matter there itself and now my parents had to get to know this issue from my co sis parents side as they are relatives and i absolutely told them to keep quiet and not to interfere.

    My husband is talking to me from today morning as if nothing has happened but im not able to forgive him for the foul words which he used on elders. be it my parents or his parents. I have never used them nor slightly hinted about his mother's character to him in any fights. I am feeling upset he is not the person I married he totally changed now. He always has secret talks with his mom whenever she calls and he transfers money to her without even me knowing and i too never ask anything to him about money issues because i think its his money and he can give any amount to his parents he always keeps lots of secrets from me whereas i just blurt out everything to him and never keep any secret from him its annoying me so much nowadays, don't know how much my MIL is playing role in his change.
     
  4. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    You didn't do anything wrong, except speaking to your mother when your H is at home. You should have been careful and shouldn't have discussed about his family matter when he was around. From his side, its fair he feels bad about the discussion between you and your mom. Imagine yourself in his position, if he discusses with his mother about your siblings or parents personal issues, obviously you will feel bad. So he is correct on his part.

    But he shouldn't have used abusing words to your parents, that's not at all acceptable. You say sorry to him either directly or through message for whatever you did. But be on your stand until he apologizes to your for abusing your parents.

    If your co-sis comes to you again, tell her to speak to her H and sort out the issue. If not then your co-sis can involve in laws and her parents. You and your parents keep out of this issue.

    Try to solve the current issue between you & your DH ASAP. Don't let others issues spoil your married life. Don't ever try to talk about your MIL's affairs / past with your DH.

    One thing is 100% true, we should never get involved in any Husband & wife's issues. Being an adults, they should solve the problems between them.
     
  5. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Explain your H when he is normal, if he tries to argue further , stop the matter there. I know it will be burning inside, sometimes these kind incidents happen but you maintain your cool. Behave normal.

    If you are not able to control the anger, go to some near by temple pray for good. Set off the mood.
     
  6. blissofmylife

    blissofmylife Silver IL'ite

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    In the post.. I don see anything silly... All the issues are pretty serious..
     
  7. rams22

    rams22 Gold IL'ite

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    Will my husband keep quiet if I use the same foul words towards his parents? He could have slapped me then and there but I kept quite and cried for myself and not able to talk to him properly from 1 week.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    How is slapping a better option OP?
    You are probably more upset because you have seen the vulgar crass side of your husband.
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If the co-sisters suspicions are correct she will need support now, not for everyone to stick their heads in the sand and leave her high and dry. If your husband won't accept his brother's misbehavior some responsible adults will have to step in. I can't imagine the state of mind of a new bride discovering her husband is carrying on an affair right under her nose.
     

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