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Feels Like Revenge

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dollysonpari, Oct 4, 2020.

  1. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

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    HI frnds,

    To say little about my marraige background, Im married for 10 yrs with 2 kids. Financially depending on my husband . No previous job experience as i was married as soon as completing my education.

    My husband was forced to marry me which i came to know only after marrige. He had affair before marriage and till now he continues his relationship , he chats and talks right under my nose with his parents permission. so no help from in laws for this matter.

    I had a big fight regarding the issue and since then for past five yrs my husband is behaving very wired like cutting mine and my kids clothes. Be it everyday use or party wear. I have spoken to him not to cut clothes but he is ignoring and says he did not do it and raises his voice. he always stays alone in other room or sleeps other than office hrs. Tired calling him to councelling but its not helping. he only wants divorce from me and wants to marry the other women. but he is not willing to give any financial support for me or my kids after divorce.

    dont know what to do. Just came here to share my feeling as i have no emotional support from any one . Im all alone.
     
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  2. drdiva

    drdiva Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Op
    Dont feel that you are all alone..
    You can get a lot of guidance and support here .
    I think you should secure a job first and financially b independent ..if u dont have experience ..start as a fresher..
    It will give you confidence and financial security..and after that you will not have to complain about clothes or any other thing ..
    And regarding divorce let your husband file a case..and lets se what reason he cites u dont have to worry about that..just b independent first. And b strong ..at least you have kids withu..u dont have to worry about kids custody or husband claiming kids custody..
    I really feel sorry for ur husband .(sarcasm).actually he is alone and on a totally wrong path with his parents support..
    Be strong OP..
     
    sarvantaryamini and geeta79 like this.
  3. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, I feel very sorry for you being in such a bad marriage. Do you think continuing to live with such betrayer will do good for your mental health and kids There was no love in the marriage from the beginning and he has not developed any love for you after your marriage. It is hard to digest, understand that he is not going to love you at any cost in the future as well. Then why waste your time begging him to stay in this marriage. Take the divorce by demanding a big financial compensation. Work out how much you need to take care of yourself and two kids. Take one time settlement. Meanwhile, do some course and find a job, if possible if you are in US. I have no other advice for you, stay strong for the sake of your kids. My only advice is makeup your mind to live without him, involve relatives and friends, and get the compensation.
     
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  4. geeta79

    geeta79 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dollysonpari, sorry to hear about ur situation. Gud that u r pouring ur heart out here where u can get all the support.
    Its very sad to see how poeple can manipulate and take advantage of others without feeling any guilt or remorse.
    I was just wondering if ur parents know about ur situation and are supporting u? Didnt they say anything to ur inlaws or ur husband that how could they destroy ur life like this?
    Anyways the point is, u cannot make someone fall in love with u or stay with u. By cutting up ur clothes, ur husband clearly indicates he doesnt want u in his life. So be it.
    Now at this point my suggestion would be to talk to ur husband calmly. Tell him that ok, u will divorce him if he doesnt want u in his life, but tell him to give u some time. Utilise this time to enroll in some course, so that u can find a job to support u n ur kids. Take help of ur parents in this matter.
    Remind him that the kids belong to both of u and its his responsibility also to take care of them and provide for them. Convince him to give financial support to raise the kids.
    Once ur husband is aware that u r ready to divorce him, he will not show his agression. Ask him for some time so that u can prepare urself to handle urself and ur kids independently.
    All the best.
     
  5. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your reply. Im really in very bad condition. He pretends in front of society as if he is living and giving a very happy life for me so that he wont be blamed. He wants me to go for divorce first. He didnt want to take his step first as he knows that he will have to give financial support. and He want me to take dicvorce step first as im financially nil so that i cannot withstrad case and gradually i will be forced to agree his one time settelement which is just returing my wedding jewels and torn clothes and no money.that's his plan.

    he wants to pretend in fornt of society that he is very innocent and so that no one will blame him for his next marriage. Also his ex girl friend is still waiting for him knowing that he is having two kids. her parents also is supporting her for her affair. she is now 41 and still mainting her affair with my husband .now her parents thinks that she could get marraied and settle atleast now in life as she was not ready to marry any one else and very stubborn for my husband.

    He is not even letting me to even find a job. he and his parents are killing me emotionally for past 10 yrs. My parents support didnt help .My husband and his parents pretend as if he did not do any mistake. Even my mil will cut all my clothes when she comes here to visit. my husband is very criminal and he is very very smart at hiding all the evidence of his affair. he is very very protective for that other women.

    My husband and other women are very stubborn for each other. its my mil idea to marry me for the sake of society in same caste and after marriage their plan was to divorce me within 3 months and remarry the other girl for my husband as she is from other caste. In fornt of society they want to pretend as if i was not ready to live with my husband .
    they just arranged this marriage for the sake of social status as the affair girl was from other caste. which i came to know all this only after marraige.

    Plz pray for me frnds. Only God can help me.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    A few questions..
    Did you inform your family about his affair and plan.
    What about kids. Is he going to take their full custody or expect you take care of them
    How old are your kids?
    I think he wants a problem free life with his lover. So what about giving kids to him. Let him take care of him .... take that stand for the time being...till you are ready to take next step.
    Are you in India or USA.
    Is there any physical abuse?
    If you divorce, how you will take care of your kids, without any financial help? What's his thought.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2020
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Hugs to you OP,
    Whats he thinking?. Spolied your married life and expecting an easy exit. Dont give that.

    You need to be practical at this point. Dont get emotional. Completely remove any expectations from him.

    First accept that your marriage is over. Be calm, dont get perturbed by his tantrums ,focus on you and kids. Inform your family about it. Dont hide it from them or relatives.

    Is there anyway to collect evidence . You said he talks in front of you to her. What about recording their chats/ use audio recorder. But be calm and act like nothing happened while you do that.

    Think about how you live without financial independence.

    Talk smart and sweet. Dont go for arguments or fights. It should sound like you want both of you a good life ,but you are helpless and not confident to exit. Talk as if you are empathetic. But be assertive.

    If he talk about divorce again, tell him, you also want to give him divorce, but can't.
    BUY TIME....
    You need a house of your own, as you dont want to live with his or your parents. He has to buy a house for you and kids
    You need a job, he has to help you . You can't take care of kids without money.
    You need a partner, you have to find husband for you he has to help.( it may sound weird, but just to give him an idea you deserve better and you have a life to live too)
    You can't file divorce as you dont have money. If he wants he has to file divorce. But you will give divorce only when your conditions are met.

    If he can't, he has to take his kids ( you didn't bring kids there) and raise them. You want to be free ( I know it will be tough for any mother ,but take that stand till he agrees with other conditions, be very firm.. he will never expect it, even if he say yes. Its ok, you can change your stand in a court)
    Consult a lawyer.

    If he wants you and kids out, he needs to give a big settlement, to buy a house and money to raise kids.. you can not go to street and beg.
    Be very firm on it. After 10 years of marriage you are eligible for more than 50 % of all marital property plus alimony.

    If I were in your position, I will lock all clothes and stuff safety. Even after repeated warnings, If he/mil cut any clothes I will do same and stay calm and pretend like you dont know anything. But its not a good method to give taste of same medicine, only you know those people.

    In the mean time, plan an exit. Dont give him easy exit. If you decide to go mutual, inform all elders in both sides of family about everything. Else,everyone will blame you only. He is asking you to file divorce, to make you look bad in front of everyone and act innocent. If you makes the first move, he and his family can play the pitiful act like...' what to do, my wife was the one who filed for divorce and left me". Be ready to face that too.

    Plan an exit if you dont see any future in this relationship( its up to you. I think you deserve better). I remember a post by a IL member ,I can't remember her name, with three kids. She found out cheating by her husband after the birth of her third kid. She didn't know what to do as she was not financially independent. Also she didn't want to hurt her parents. So she stayed with her husband, she started a business in her home, slowly she gained financial independence. Once she was ready, she filed for divorce after 8 years. By that time, her kids were grown up,so that she can manage easily also succeeded in convincing her parents. Now she is enjoying her life with kids. Her husband did not want a divorce, as he liked to preserve his image. So it was like a sweet revenge for her.

    So take your own time. Take a stand that you will not ,till you have a house of your own and financially independent. You dont want to depend on anyone. Also kids are small. They need both parents. If not hand over kids to him and go.

    Completely cut any relationship with him,and go on to a roommate mode..ignore him. Also he can file divorce you won't. If he wants to live with her, he can go, but you won't live the house with kids till your conditions are met. Ask him to talk about divorce to your parents and relatives. It was not a love marriage. Its an arranged marriage. So divorce also should be done that way. Be practical, think well, plan exit, be independent. Once you are ready, inform everyone and then exit.

    Now if you go for divorce, it will be like jumping from fire to frying pan. Why should you make it easy for him? Dont share your plans with him. Be smart. So take your own time. Also be safe. Dont trust or believe him. Dont sign anything. Consult your family before doing anything. As he is very cunning I am worried about your safety . Thats why I am asking you to inform everyone in your family.

    "You never know how "STRONG" you are until being strong is the only choice you have"
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2020
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you have elders or parents who can help? I would take their help and talk to a couple of lawyers to see what your options are. You will need to remain calm and unemotional for this, so it helps to have some support.
    You can tell him that you will agree to divorce once he provides reasonable alimony, child support, healthcare expenses for your children and college plans for them.
    He doesn’t get to skip off scot-free into the sunset with his mistress after ruining your life.
     
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  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Not sure if you are a GC holder/US citizen.
    If you don’t have any visa issues you can start some home based cooking or baking business.
    As others have already mentioned do not accept divorce until and unless he gives you a huge alimony which is needed for yourself and kids.

    Start locking your wardrobe and other things.
    If you are close to any of his cousins or relatives try exposing your DH and his parents. Try recording everything whatever he does.
    At any cost don’t ever accept divorce without your conditions being met.
     
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  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    This is such an important factor.
    Family law jurisdiction is so important in decisions; this is true even within the USA where state laws applies to divorces. There are states that do not allow alimony.

    The mention in #5 of "He pretends in front of society as if he is living and giving a very happy life for me so that he wont be blamed." makes me suspect that the family is in INDIA.

    What is the meaning of the title of this thread ? The thought happened to me, because I had posted in another recent thread that "revenge is a life well lived".... or something close. The OP should not take the scissors to his clothes. An eye for an eye kind of revenge would make both people blind.

    So long as there is no physical violence, and lives are not in immediate danger, it is best to go along with the show of a happy life, until such time when she is able to leave and does not feel:
     
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