Feeling miserable for my actions. Please help!

Dear Katsb first of all let go of ur guilt. Nothing can be achieved with guilt. What happened was very unfortunate and very 'in the moment'. Depending on who you are the other persons behaviour might seem disproportionate to the situation. Just take time off from this event. Each couple's dynamics are different. Say a little prayer - if u re still up - and go to bed. U'll feel better tomorrow and will find ur own way to work things out.
Hope this helps.
Hugs coming ur way.
Tc.
J

 

You apologized,he accepted...leave it for now.
You can make up for it by making him something nice or plan an outing.
From his reaction ...it doesn't look like he is the kind you needs feminism lessons...so try to tone it down.Keep it for the people who need it. You can forgive him next time he makes a big blunder.


As for finding it difficult to apologize....try saying it with cards.I used to buy 'I am sorry' cards and keep them.It can be used to make the first move towards an apology.

For small issues....hugging and whispering sorry in the ear is easier than looking in the eye and apologizing.This works only in small issues otherwise you risk being pushed away is.

Now cheer up girl.

 

Good that you stopped and thought it over. It means that next time when a similar situation arises you are able to step back and move out of the situation. You have apologized so let it be for now.

Try more to think that your spouse is your ally, not the enemy you have to indulge in debates with .

 

Dear Op,

A punch in the shoulder does constitute physical abuse technically. Remember the adage "You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar ", looks like your husband is asking for healthier boundaries. When you walked into the office and gave him the phone, this is overstepping a boundary. Also if you want surprise someone with a live phone call especially with in laws, you have to be prepared for non-predictable reactions (dependent on your husbands mood). You can't control him to that degree of having only positive reactions to surprise actions.

This can easily be fixed, don't hand him the phone with your side of the family unless agreed upon before the call. Also don't walk into his office unless its your needs or his side of the family needs which can't wait. You can do whatever when he is in the happy mood, but when he is cornered or upset don't do anything physically.

Its a simple thing but as long a you respect your husband boundaries, everything will be smooth sailing. Just like you want your husband to respect your boundaries...same...same

 

I enjoyed your post, somewhat at your expense I might add abashedly.:hide:
All that emotion and passion squandered in quarrels and worry - better put to use elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

Now coming to the matter at hand:

I have a suspicion that the nature of this ‘feminism’, the ‘straightforwardness’ and ‘bluntness’ or at least his perception of it may lie at the bottom of your husband’s contest with you. Have you justified any criticism of him or any ‘demands’ on explicitly ‘feminist’ grounds? Does that threaten him?

Any ‘ism’ is a way of organizing reality and experience. It is a generalization, an abstraction. It is a scaffold that helps us situate ourselves in the larger scheme of things and allows us to navigate the unfamiliar. Any relationship between two people, on the other hand, is specific and particular.

More often than not, it is a bad idea to bring up ‘isms’ into heated interpersonal, relationship discussions, even though the abstractions are useful guides to thought, may be relevant to the situation and may be good approximations of reality. This is not about right or wrong – it is merely about communicating effectively, in a way that takes the hot-buttons of the other person into account. In a close relationship, it is almost always better to frame requests, criticism, desires and dissatisfaction concretely, within the context of the relationship alone and not refer to external abstractions, unless absolutely necessary. This I think is what your husband is inarticulately asking of you.

Reality always remains irreducible. All ‘isms’ are models. I suspect that either because of his insecurity or because of your straightforward, unapologetic bluntness, your husband sees you as a feminist first and friend /companion/jeevan-saathi second. That's the subtext of all that business about 'you don't respect me' etc.

This is best done by being self-aware and slowing down. Practice saying “hmmmmm … let me see …” or “oh…?” or “can you say that again? I missed that …” before rushing in to get your opinion in. A slow response with appropriate silences can reduce people to jelly if you so choose. Combined with a raised eyebrow and a couple of taps of steepled fingers it can be positively lethal. This is how the psychopaths rule the world.

If you husband insists on being such a wuss, I’d punch him again.

 

Dude, I'm joking. I am inclined to think the OP's punch was a friendly 'getouttahere' shoulder thing that her husband's buddies probably do to him all the time. Now, don't go all serious on me R!*

This reminds me of the 'poda-podi' discussion that was all the rage some time ago.

And now, let me add fuel to the fire ...

Absent complex family politics, manipulative MILs and all that wonderful stuff we read so much about about here, this business of saying a few words is simple courtesy. With two guys, it need involve no more than "What ho! Sunny day, fluffy clouds and birds chirping eh what? Good, good, yes, I agree that was a great game although I wouldn't have declared the innings quite so early ... let's see what happens, oh, guess what, big meeting tomorrow, gotta run, ta, ta cheerio."

It's sort of like the Queen of England having to say something to all those random folks she has to meet. Small talk is simply good manners, a lubricant to closer relationships.

*PS: OP, as the 2nd law states, F= ma. Rihana Akka wants to know how many piconewtons of force your punch exerted.

 

You need to decide if this marriage is going to be about your 'feminism' or about you. How many instances of your proclaimed feminism or feminist decisions explicitly affecting him have there been in this marriage so far? It would be good to do a little introspection to pinpoint the various incidents where your explicitly feminist stance has caused him grief. Make a list. Or is this feminism merely a label you like to throw around and that he likes to throw back against you? I get the feeling your h is using this 'feminism' label to control you and to great effect it seems -- you are walking around on eggshells, apologizing at the drop of a hat, have changed yourself in many ways. And has the marital situation improved as a result of the changes? Or still the same with your h still sitting in judgement that you are a feminist? At some point you are going to have to decide 'thus far and no farther'. At some point you have to stop reacting to his comments and to start to shrug it off, 'oh yeah? okay' and be unmoved. And restrain the urge to change this or that about yourself. The most damning thing you have said is that you feel you cannot be yourself in your marriage with your husband. That's pretty bad. That does not augur well for you. You should tell him that sometime. You should address your own reservations about him aloud, just like what he is doing and see how he reacts to those, instead of suppressing them and hoping they will go away.