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Feeling Left Out

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by paru123, Apr 6, 2024.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    There was a group of 3 besties in my building. They have a thick bond amongst themselves and their families as a whole are also connected, children with children, and their husbands also get along well with each other, though not that great friends. Their friendship has seen many ups and downs, but they have maintained it and stayed bonded over a period of 13 14 years. They also had other friends , but many vacated , relocated to other places. 2years back they included one lady in their group who has a handicapped child. Then another 2 ladies also got added to their group as their children also of same age. 2 months back my newish neighbour also got added into their group. My neighbour behaved decent with me all the 4 years. She was unaware of this group then. We had some programs in our society in Jan , feb and it is during those times that she started knowing these ladies. Now she is also a part of the group. She is now on cloud nine. Now she cant even talk like before to me and my other neighbour. Its like, on finding new friends she has made a 180 degree change in her behaviour towards us. The leader of the 7 ladies group is a very chirpy bubbly character and I do like her as she has an impartial behaviour towards all. But the rest 6 ladies are not like that.
    After the programs got over in Jan feb, they created a whatsapp group with these 7 ladies plus some more ladies who can join in or not in their group activities. Now I have also been added as I did not show any hesitation in contributing n joining to their activities. Though I am not part of their intricate group mentally.

    Now coming to the main point. There was a birthday part last week of one lady's child in her house. The party was from 8 to 10 followed by dinner. After dinner many left including myself. Later these 7 ladies had a dance party of which I had no idea untill I saw the pics. The next day when I saw the pics it made me think why am i even there in the WhatsApp group.

    What would you do in my situation. Exit the group?. I understood that these 7 ladies frequently call each other n chat n number of times in a day. They also do group chatting in the whatsapp group. Bcos of their frequent communication, half of the jokes wouldnt be known to others. I feel left out. These ladies want to show that are quite a type of happening people. I do enjoy their company but at the same time I am hurt when they don't include. Its like I can join them when they feel its ok. Also since my newish neighbour has joined them, its more irritating. What would you do? Exiting the group would appear childish but at the same time being in the whatsapp group n reading their chats is irritating.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I would stay in the whatsapp group and participate up to the level I want to. Their inside jokes and impromptu plans would make me a feel a bit left out sometimes, but that happens to me in most groups. I have learned that it is not them who want to exclude me, it is more my own nature that I cannot handle too much daily, hourly conversations.
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    As long as you are sure they are not intentionally excluding u..just drop your expectations.Also..you are seeing only the fun side to the group and feeling left out but definitely I have always noticed in a big group of friendships.. tensions and frictions and expectations are inevitable.You are having a perfect balance.Having the cake and eating it too..just enjoy it as healthy distance is good.
     
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  4. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    It is better not to be part of intricate group since that involves lot of time commitment from you
    Just be part of WhatsApp group and include yourself in the activities. Don’t think too much . Be happy
     
  5. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your replies. My mind also tells me to think like your suggestion. But, the problem is my neighbour. When she was new, these ladies used to ask me about her, her family etc. And now she has become an indispensable part of their group and shows a cold attitude towards me and my other neighbour. She is like she has found her tribe. If I exit the group, I dont have to witness all their nakras right under my nose. Na rahegi baas na bajegi baasuri (disturbances) in my mind. But then I will also be the topic for them to gossip.
     
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  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well that’s a good reason then to not be a part of the group:)

    Even if u have one friend..it should be an organic and healthy relationship.Whats the point of being in a group which highlights only the best side but a lot of drama
    Inside?

    Do u really like them and want to be a part of the group or is it FOMO? Fear of missing out?

    So ask yourself deeply about how u feel about them and what u really want.Its best to maintain a healthy distance for your peace of mind.

    As for the neighbor who gives the cold shoulder..she is just not worth it.
     
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  7. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I have decided to be in the WhatsApp group but limit my participation in future activities. There were parties planned back to back in the last two days and I was inforned n invited. I joined them and realised that, myself and few other ladies were just there for the icing of their cake. The bonding amongst the 7 is thick and I feel excluded. So, from now on, I will join them only for picnics only and not for birthday or anniversary parties. I find it difficult to say no when these ladies sweetly ask me to join them and then I feel left out when I dont understand their jokes.
     
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  8. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Similar experience. I was added in a group but got to know that I was added by one only to irritate another one(seemed to some minor understanding between members) Once it got resolved, i was like an unwanted guest and numerous plans were made over calls rather in groups. Deliberately left out for trip plannings and gatherings and lot other politics. Included and then excluded. Pattern repeated. There were groups within groups.

    Like Rihanna pointed out, I on the first place couldn't invest so much into the group and also couldn't meet their expectations to be in the group. Satisfying each and everyone and sharing every single detail right away, even personal details and being judged for every move - I couldn't do it. I was seen as different.

    Now I exhibit cordial greetings and extend help/info if requested.
    I really appreciate genuine groups/friendships and its good side(sharing but with boundaries and respect).
    Friendship, love and respect outgrow eventually.
    I wanted to have happy experience and vice versa not like to think/worry about being in it all day until next incident happens. This post makes me realize that this issue seems very common.

    Its good that you now set your own boundary and respect your/their time, as u get to choose what u want to attend and cancel rest politely. if that is not possible and if it eats your mind/peace, then u can move out of the group.
     
  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    It is often said, “tell me about your friends and I shall tell you who you are”
    Your current friends could be a reflection of you, and they are your choice. A friend is someone you chose to vent and spend time and associate with.

    Indeed people you choose to be close to your bosom shape your personality, the way you brood about them, the way you confabulate , and the way you chart their universe.

    Whether we are aware of it or not, the people we choose pay attention and consider our friendship. They could be a barometer of what is normal, what is possible. It was said "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future".

    Do remember we are only as Good as the company we keep.

    It is difficult to learn to play basketball or baseball if you spend your days with a soccer team. Indeed your choice of friends mirror the person you are today, and will in turn affect the person you will turn tomorrow.
     
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  10. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

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    You can become proactive. You can participate whenever they call you otherwise dont take it personally. Just be casual to them. I promise you, keeping you out of their circle means god is keeping you in a better place than them with better peace of mind. If you go in, then you may know the wear and tear.
     
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