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Feeling Kind Of Guilty, Due To My Decision

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Janvi2017, Sep 30, 2020.

  1. Janvi2017

    Janvi2017 New IL'ite

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    Hi , my cousin gave birth to a twins 15 days back , they are in NICU now for 3 weeks, after she was discharged , she was giving her breast milk everyday by pumping , 5 days back her husband was Tested positive for covid , So they took sample of household members 3 days back ,today she and her Bil who was going to hospital to give breast milk tested positive, only her mil test has come negative as of today .
    So they want to safeguard her mil , they requested they send her to my parents home and next week to send her mil to their sisters home , my cousin don’t have parents ,So my parents look After her , but my mom and sis was scared to get her home and even my uncle who is doctor told it may be a risk , as all family members have tested positive, she may have exposed to virus and may develop after 2-3 days .
    I stay in different state ,So I called my cousin and explained her that , it’s not a good idea to send her mil our home or any Of their relative home to safegourd her , instead to keep her home quarantine in hotel or they have a native house where no one stays for 2 weeks , so she won’t be exposed to virus Incase she has not still and no one will be affected if she has exposed already . She got so emotional, cried and told ok and kept phone .
    Later her mil called my parents and told rudely , I will not come anyone home and bcz of me , o don’t want others to get sick, all that drama and hang up .
    My parents are feeling guilt , they didn’t help and am feeling so guilty for ruining relationships between them , my only concern is my parents are old compare to her mil and they have pre health condition , my sis who is staying has asthma , so anyone if they get covid Incase if her mil , it will be major concern .Dont know whether I did wrong or right ‍♀️‍♀️. Please pour your thoughts about this ...
     
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  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Your decision is saving your parents, sis.
    No need for others who can't understand how the virus spreads.
    If your parents or sister get will take them to hospital or care for them? No.
    So don't feel.guilty mil can very well stay at native place.
    With our people pandemic is tough so social distancing, or understanding the limitations.

    It's trying situation for cousin & her family. Talk to her. See if you can like providing food, groceries , babies essentials etc. Pray for her & kids
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You took the correct decision. It was not nice of your cousins family to try to send their MIL to your parents house, especially when they have health risks . If everyone else tested positive she could also have become positive after a few days.
    Your cousin is no doubt feeling emotional with everything that’s going on. Offer to support them in a way that’s safe for everyone.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    It was the right decision. You did what you thought was good for your parents and siblings at this time of emergency.
    Perhaps, you could have offered her some alternative options to keep her MIL. She is a new mother, and a covid19 patient. Plus her H and BIL have been already diagnosed; hence they have no one to help right now.

    What if she was your own sister? What if she was your close friend?

    If I were you (or your family member), I would have volunteered to find a hotel or transportation & arrangements to their native home for her MIL to self quarantine instead of asking them to find it on their own (given they can't move right now)
     
  5. Janvi2017

    Janvi2017 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for reply everyone,
    @Vedavalli , I was thinking of same thing , if they get sick , we can’t again trouble somebody, this pandemic is more about distancing and taking care of oneself then depending on others .
    @MalStrom - I was convincing my parents same , bcz covid tests sometime don’t come positive if it’s early stage and possibility of being contagious is high , so we don’t wanted to go ahead with getting her home .
    @SGBV - I look after her as My own sis , so only I suggested her a advice , which is good for everyone, we can’t find a hotel for them as they feel abandoned if we tell her to go hotel .They don’t stay in this city , they stay in different place which is around an 3 hour from here , she came to my cousin home to just take care of her , later her bil came as they got to know , her husband is covid positive , now he is also positive , there idea was to send her a week to our home and later send her to mil sis home for a week till they are quarantined .I suggested her to send back to her home , where she can be comfortable and stay for 15 days and come back once it’s done . Instead of going anybody home as it’s risky for anyone , our family or her mil sis family .
     
  6. Janvi2017

    Janvi2017 New IL'ite

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    As far as help , they have got offended so badly , nobody is lifting phone , nor my cousin or her mil . My mom tried from morning to ask her , what arrangement they did for her mil , can she send some food to her in disposable for everyone, her husband pick call and told my dad just about cooking he will do it , no problem. After so many times my parents calling , my cousin just left msg , don’t call am very upset .
    There is a one more problem, as her kids are in nicu, she was pumping and taking her milk everyday to hospital, I feel during these visit her husband and her had catch covid , later her bil came to take her and now he is also positive. We don’t know how far it’s safe to give kids breast milk now when she is contiguous, her Gyno told its fine , but ppl who carry that everyday from her home will be in risk , my sis told to suggest her to avoid breast milk a week until she is contiguous , to give kids formula , don’t want to take risk of getting into it
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Honestly, you did what you all could do for a cousin. You would have done it differently if she is your sister. Blood is thicker than water; hence she is upset. Fair enough.
    Because she has no family and lived under your care; thus she must have felt you were her family.

    Her BIL came over, despite of the fact that his OWN brother is Covid19 positive. He caught the virus because he helped them despite of knowing the contagious part. Her MIL came over to help them because she knew her OWN son and DIL are in danger and need of help.

    If I were you - the cousin, I would have assisted the family with all the helps, such as food, self quarantine (be it hotel or room or etc), hospital visit (sending a driver, cab, or a person with protective gears) and other follow ups as and when needed.

    If I were her OWN sister, despite the covid19 issue, I would have gone to help her with required self protection. Because a new mom, in this condition needs HELP. Period
     
  8. Janvi2017

    Janvi2017 New IL'ite

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  9. Janvi2017

    Janvi2017 New IL'ite

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    @SGBV , blood is thicker than water Wow never thought in this perspective ,as far as ,if it was my own sister or me in her situation , we will not put our parents life into risk at any cost including I need to take tough decisions agains my in-laws .
    Her mil volunteer herself to look after my cousin during her last week of pregnancy , before covid started . My parents have taken care of her all through her pregnancy . Once her delivery was done , a week after her husband Catched covid and was Self quarantined . So my cousin and mil was the primary contact of him , As her husband was quarantined , her bil came to take care of his mom and to take my cousin to hospitals .Thinking he will be safe as both are negative , he ended up with covid bcz of this.
    As we saw this pattern , this was the reason me to tell her , when they all got diagnosed with covid and her mil is primary contact of these covid patients , it’s better for her to be self quarantined in her home(going back to her place , we were ready to arrange a cab with driver ) instead going to anybody home and putting them in risk .
    I agree the fact her bil came here and helped knowing they may be contiguous , they are very young people and can recover in couple of weeks and I couldn’t take that risk as I know , it Will be more risky to older people my parents who are in late 60 and early 70’s.
    As far as help , as I mentioned in last post , we have tried to contact them to provide food in disposable , a person to carry her milk to hospital , they are not responding, my mom had already made arrangements to get her babies from hospitals and take care of them Incase she become positive , no call no message ...
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Come on... You don't have to explain all these to us.
    I didn't say that you must risk your elderly parents by hosting a suspected covid19 patient. Though she is negative, she may carry the virus and transmit the illness. It is risky specially for the elderly.
    You were right.

    But i said, if i were you, I would have offered her an alternative option to quarantine her MIL at this time (when that elderly women's both sons have covid19, and DIL is a helpless new mom).
    And made sure the cousin is comfortable.
    That means, arrangements for food, safety, mobility, specially the trips to hospital NICU to give BM.
    If i am away from home, I would arrange some help through others, paid helps, etc.. And continued to follow up.

    This way, I would be guilt free. And the cousin would feel relieved/not upset with me.

    But then, its just me... I wouldn't ask or expect others to do the same. To each their own & you know what is best with your people.
    I just responded this thread based on how i would have handled this situation.

    You too offered to do all this at a later point, but after bluntly denying her request at first. So possibly she feels dejected & angry right now. She may not accept any helps at this point; hence the reaction
     

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