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Feeling Helpless bcz of brother wedding - Suggestions

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nomad24, Jan 8, 2015.

Page 4 of 5
  1. Jan 10, 2015 #31
    Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    :rotfl:rotfl

    Sometimes I honestly think it would really help with all the angst in the world if people had easy access to good and guilt-free nooky-time! :biggrin2:
     
    Gauri03, Jan 10, 2015
    Gauri03, Jan 10, 2015
    #31
    7 people like this.
  2. Jan 10, 2015 #32
    Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh shoot. have I said that out loud?
     
    Rakhii, Jan 10, 2015
    Rakhii, Jan 10, 2015
    #32
    2 people like this.
  3. Jan 10, 2015 #33
    Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    1. If I recall right the intensity of hormones playing tabla on the mind and body in that age, the laying is a fait accompli'shed.

    2. Nothing indecent about putting that horse before the knotty-cart.

    Just building on Rakhii's detective work.
     
    Rihana, Jan 10, 2015
    Rihana, Jan 10, 2015
    #33
  4. Jan 11, 2015 #34
    nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    That is what forums are meant for - anonymity. As for being vehement, I may be and the intensity comes from the deep seated concern for my brother.

     
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    #34
    Lakshmi6197 likes this.
  5. Jan 11, 2015 #35
    nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    To everyone who is feeling bad for the girl. Yes, it's a bad situation for any girl to get married into a family that does not like her. I'm sure she is aware of the battle that lies ahead of her. About treating her right - I am pretty sure she will be treated just the way any other DIL would be. Even if he goes ahead to marry to this girl, its not like we are gonna disown him or commit atrocities. Along with the marriage will come several other relationships which will take time to develop.
    Love Marriage or Arranged marriage - I believe every girl tries (at least initially) to win over her in laws and be likeable. Relationships take time and effort to develop.

    The whole situation has caused me and my family stress and negativity has already crept in which was inevitable. NShould my brother hold his ground, the girl has an uphill task which she should take on. I would if I was in her place. MIL-DIL, DIL-SIL relationships are rarely low maintenance.

    I'm quite aware I have no control over who my brother chooses to marry. My only concern was and is that maybe he hasn't thought it through, has unrealistic notions of love where he is making this decision out of being overly swayed by the emotion. There could be some kind of pressure internally in his head (he's 30) or externally influenced (eg peer pressure) because of which he is caving in.

    Ultimately, if its his decision to take the plunge, he will be the most affected by the decision in whichever way. I, as an elder sister cannot detach from the situation and worrying about him and that's the crux. Like I said earlier - Life is not black or white. I do sincerely wish - everyone comes out of this situation happier.

    Thanks everyone for your posts/comments/suggestions!
    Hope you're having a great weekend!:party
     
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    #35
    Lakshmi6197 and sokanasanah like this.
  6. Jan 11, 2015 #36
    Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That sounds ominous!

    Why should the onus of developing and maintaining relationships lie with her? Hasn't this situation caused her any stress and negativity? Even before she becomes part of your family, you have prejudiced yourself against her. She is not obligated to maintain any MIL-DIL, DIL-SIL relationships. These relationships are privileges, not rights. You will earn them through your conduct towards her. If she doesn't like the lot of you, she is under no obligation to try to get to know you, let alone having to pander to the egos of high maintenance MILs and SILs!
     
    Gauri03, Jan 11, 2015
    Gauri03, Jan 11, 2015
    #36
    sindmani, sdiva20, guesshoo and 6 others like this.
  7. Jan 11, 2015 #37
    Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Getting married into a family that does not like her after getting to know her would be bearable.

    Nomad, even the wedding date is not fixed, and you are calling what is coming up a 'battle'? Have a heart. You were her age once. So sad to read this. Once a girl is married into a family, the family puts aside the "do not like her" and give her a fair chance, or at least be neutral as she and husband start their married life's journey.

    Does sound ominous. :)

    The option to maintain and develop these 'other' relationships rests with you, your family, and that girl and your brother.

    What does "win over" mean? What does "be likeable" mean? The man she married has chosen to marry her. This "win over" and all are from the movies where parents tell girl at bidaai that from now on her in-laws are her parents, and to "win over" the hearts of in-laws with her care and seva and sanskar. Please!

    The stress and negativity caused to you and your family are not her fault. If she has any sense, she will stay away from this drama, and let your brother handle it.

    "Hold his ground"? Really? This does not sound like a 'concerned elder sister'. It sounds like a 'bent upon my brother will marry any girl but this one' attitude.

    With a SIL like you, yes.
     
    Rihana, Jan 11, 2015
    Rihana, Jan 11, 2015
    #37
    sindmani, sdiva20, pocahontas and 3 others like this.
  8. Jan 11, 2015 #38
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    This is certainly the crux of the matter and very true. I hope everything works out for the good!
    As for the rest of it, I know what you are tying to say, but as the others have pointed out, the phrasing does betray overtones of a 'Freudian' slip or two.

    When you say:
    I understand, this could mean 'high maintenance' from both ends. No problem.

    But when you say:
    That certainly seems to place the entire burden on her. As far as being a member of your family is concerned (in the Indian 'sasuraal' sense), she is the one newcomer, alone among the many of you. So a greater burden lies with you.

    I was saddened to see that while you are willing to say:
    You cannot bring yourself to say "I will do my best to make her feel welcome ...".

    I am not picking on you. Please don't get the wrong idea. I do understand how you feel. It's just that, in the end, should your brother go ahead with it, I would like a happy ending for all of you. If she becomes your brother's wife, then her well-being is necessary for his. If you start with some vision of the 'standards' our young receptionist has to meet to ingratiate herself into your good graces, then she can expect to do no right, her failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
     
    sokanasanah, Jan 11, 2015
    sokanasanah, Jan 11, 2015
    #38
    vaidehi71, nb25, Rakhii and 2 others like this.
  9. Jan 11, 2015 #39
    sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Please ask this young lady to join IL, so that we can give her the necessary tips for dealing with difficult inlaws when the time comes. We have seasoned MIL and SIL specialists out here, not to mention the all-rounders :cheers
     
    sweetypi, Jan 11, 2015
    sweetypi, Jan 11, 2015
    #39
    sindmani, sdiva20 and pocahontas like this.
  10. Jan 11, 2015 #40
    nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    lol yes. the in laws forum in quite active as well! :2thumbsup:
     
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    nomad24, Jan 11, 2015
    #40
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