Feel so used right now...

Soni Sweeetheart really seems like no matter what your husband does/says you are sticking around thinking he would change or one day you would be able to change him...but face the truth and accept the truth this man wouldnt change...yes he WONT. So everytime he throws venom at you, you should already be expecting it and smile and giggle away..make him crazy...you have to be surprised only if he acts lovingly towards you...

By the way even before he asks about therapy or tells someone about you being a psychopath...you should tell him that your doctor suggested you going for counselling as the doctor feels that you are way too stressed and that your living conditions are making you sick..he should be getting the point..also you should tell him that after living with him for so many years, you needed this counselling sessions or therapists so that you DONT become a psychopath like him..smile and leave.

You have two options, beat him with his own whip...or quit and lead a peaceful life.

If your husband tells you to STOP Masters or yells you got a low score, why the hell does it matter??? why do you give so much weightage to his words? no wonder he is all geared up to take you down...If someone tells you...you are not worth..how can you surrender and prove they are right by not being worth of anything:hide:...you should rise back work hard and make what ever you can out of the situation ...See this guy really knows how to take you down...I have been telling you this many times..He knows very well how to play mind games and make you scared and feel worthless so that you would be in the four walls of the house with no self confidence or self esteem and would be a YES BOSS kind of worker at home...Am sure you dont want to be like that...but your actions kept on encouraging him and proving he is right..

You werent there when he did masters...so you dont know how good or bad he was..and every human being IQ level is different..today he might be in a big earning job..tomorrow you might be earning more..He doesnt know these facts as everytime he shouts at you..you say YES you are right and you give up what ever you are doing.

If he had shouted at you saying go cook in kitchen, dont see gift opening etc..you should have took your son and gone into the kitchen. You shouldhave told firmly and strongly WAIT UNTIL I complete my cooking. Your son didnt fall from sky..I gave birth to him..and I want to be there during such happy times with him. Ok you cooked noodles..if he didnt like and shouted at you, AGAIN you should have told him...This is what I could make in the short time you have given me..If you want elaborated food wait for it. and move away from that place.

Really this guy needs lot of attitude adjustment and it wont come in one day as you keep swinging back n forth in making him learn to behave.

If he tells you go study, get a job...you should immediately say thank you soo much for understanding and supporting:crazy and go and study thats all.
If he tells you ...he earns more than you do...you should say YES I am happy about it...as i heard if a woman makes more money there would be problems at home:ideaso I am trying my best not to earn more than you:biglaugh

I know when this guy pounces on you..it becomes tough to answer ..however if he keeps repeating the same words and same insults you should find ways to answer him back tactfully so that you can put your point across and he shutting up:hide:he should think twice before he talks or says anything next time.

Rather you keep saying yes I am worth less yes I am nothing in the house ..so he is just becoming uncontrollable day by day.

Again all I would say is..to separate or not to separate is another discussion which we can have only after you get a job..YES We would surely discuss that..But your first goal and game plan is to get a job. Its very important for you to keep your sanity of mind.

I have to say this..You are also RESPONSIBLE for your own situation...If you always think about saving inspite of your husband talking about looks , how would your husband understand that to look good it costs money...the moment he said see that lady..or see how beautiful that girl is..immediately the next shopping round you should have bought some good stuff for yourself...As i said..Being a mother doesnt mean you have to loose the status or responsibility as a wife...as a woman ..as a human being. you dont have to kill your desires to be a good mother..no NEVER...instead you are making the situation worst by not making yourself happy and beautiful...(can you see that now???)

Also STOP this dieting stuff. Pick up healthy nutritious food have good food, exercise ..dont look around..just look forward..keep your eyes on the goal. Buy some good outfits as you would anyways need it if you start working isnt it? Put on all those good outfits , take picsof your own self..

Remember No one respects us...no one loves us..UNLESS we love and respect our own selves...This should be the first priority and its mandatory..

So start grooming yourself...get a nice hair cut change your outfits and look good (First look good for your own happiness and surely your crazy husband would see that beauty...)

Also slowly make yourself less affected by his nasty comments..If you are sick and not feeling well...tell him upfront you cant cook and if you try to cook , he might also catch that cold/cough/pneumoniaa..:idea..

As far as inlaws issues are concerned...every girl has a problem with inlaws..most of the DILs I should say...so ignore those issues for the time being...You have to pick up the pieces at home to see how things would work out with your husband..forget about those external influences for sometime.

If he or his parents say you are starving your husband, you should say he is like that BAKAASUR in Mahabharath:biglaughno matter wht you make or cook he doesnt like anything but nothing is left...just say it playfully and say you are doing your best to cook and feed him..but lately you lost that MIDAS touch as you are feelign weak as your husband wants you to eat less food which is making you weak and sick..(YES you have to tell his own words infront of him...when he teams up with his parents.. these are not going to be complaints...you have to put them across as if these are the reasons why are you weak and sick all the time not able to cook enough food to feed their son ie your husband)

You have to learn the art and tact of words...If not you cant live with him..(but this is going to be a like daily struggle as you are someone who is sensitive and doesnt feel good to hurt others..and he is the opp. personality...he has to put the other person down so that he can look good...so this is the personality clash here..)

Again apart from your husbands words and taunts, I dont see that you are being used..NO....every woman does what all you are doing..every mom does it..so dont keep thinking on those lines...Also there are woman out there with similar husbands..So dont keep having this attitude of being a victim or helpless being...Dont look at the problem...you already know what is the problem ..ask yoruself whether you can work on the solution..is it worth? how long you can work on it and when do you want to say enough is enough...

As far as how your kid would grow up or what he would think of mom n dad sleeping separate, girl first of all work on yourself..why do you have to bother about future and who thinks what and who says what going forward..this is what is the hindrance for you..You think of everyone except about your own self...

Again, dress nicely, get your son also ready...go out to the park or put some auto settings and take pics of your son and your own self..as many as you want (beleive me one of my friend does thsi with her son..as her husband was like yours in this matter of taking pics..)dont get affected with his behaviour rather find ways to deal with it if you want to live with him..

 

Hi sonika,
I so so much agree with srividya.. I think that is the correct approach you have to take towards your husband..
Look, your husband is bully and he knows your weakness.. So he is using your weaknesses to put you down.. I dont know what is driving him to do that.. But at the moment he is enjoying doing that..
But you know what bullies need feedback to continue bullying.. Stop giving him a feedback.. Stop feeling bad for his words, stop taking him seriously, stop giving him any importance.. I bet he'll come back to normal..
Also, take up a job for yourself, put your child in a daycare.. I mean with a job your have mental stimulation, you are intellectually challenged everyday.. All this would aid in improving your self esteem.. And the best part of job is you'll be rewarded for the work you do.. You get a paycheck at the month end.. This sort of financial independence will boost your confidence levels.. Even if you feel your skills are obsolete, try taking up a refresher course to enhance your skills..
The moment your husband realizes he doesn't mean much to you, i'm sure he'll stop his bullying tactics..
Like srividya said, dont stick around him, trying to change him and show any remorse for his behavior with you.. Dont get involved in name calling and all..

Good luck

 

Hi Sonika,

Nice to hear that you are really following the suggestions given out here..

Wishing you all the best.

May you be soon happy with your family!!

 

It is upto you if you want to patch up.. You can patch to ease the tension at home.. what is important is how you give in to his comments after that.. Dont bother talking much to him, dont give in to his comments.. Just do your job and be by yourself.. Dont give much importance to his existence.. Then he might start to work on getting himself noticed

a little advice on spending his credit card - It might turn into a huge battle.. So dont do that..

 

Soni

One thing I can say, If a kid makes a mistake (with out understanding its repercussions) we teach the kid by disciplining him, but your husband is an adult, he knows even if he beats you, or throws you outof the house, you would go back to him, patch up etc..so he would never understand or realise that his behaviour is hurting you, so he would never feel the need to change himself...did you get my point?

I would suggest this again n again. For sometime stop this focussing/patching up/working out things with your husband. Leave him alone and you try to be emotionally independant for sometime. We are not kids Soni, we are adults, if this behaviour of both of you continues, you would do injustice to your kid, think of how he would grow up seeing his dad acting all wierd and crazy with his mom, and the mom keeps taking it and patches up and gets intimate:hide:I am sorry it does sound really disgusting.

So for sometime stay away from him. All your concentration should be on Job, Job and only getting a Job. If your husband approaches you tell him that you are not feeling well and that your fat a** is tired:crazy and that you dont want to scare him by showing your body and move away from that place.

I still dont understand, how can you just be ready to get intimate with this guy who had ridiculed you so much and has no respect for you at all.
You lack self respect and self confidence..I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN N AGAIN. You are showing him that his act of disrespecting you is OK with you...thats why you are in the place where you are! Enough of all this. Take his thoughts out of the brain for sometime on who has to patch up, what to do etc...Why cant you concentrate on things that are in your hand rather than thinking about this guy??

Get a Job and prove it to him. I dont think market is that bad anymore. Everyone is getting a job lately. Join some partime/fulltime/consulting work Get your mental sanity. think clearly.

As far as shopping is concerned, maxing out his credit cards is not the thought I had. However do buy some good outfits its not necessary to go overboard and buy a trouser / blouse which is worth 200$ however you can buy some good branded clothes which fits you well. browse through some magazines or over net to see what kidn of clothes suit women of your height and weight . Also do get a hair cut immediately. Not the old fashion one..get some bangs in the front and sides and change your hair style.

Work on yourself and your own self. STOP WONDERING and WORRYING what to do with him. Whatever has to happen will happen. Let him wonder how come you are able to keep quiet without apologizing this time and he too will start thinking is it time for him to come around. He has to come around but not for SEX , but to ask what happened to you...If he asks tell him that you are fine , nothing much to say..(Keep your dignity. Dont complain right away. Let him ask couple of times. Keep your thoughts to yourself for sometime and STOP talking and blabbering and patching up. for few weeks) Yes be prepeared for few weeks.)

Remember! No one has every got into any trouble by keeping their mouth shut! So you would always be doing a favour on yourself and your husband by keeping quiet...lot of things will be resolved on their own, if you STOP this patching stuff for the sake of being good. your goodness is not helping your marriage. Remember that!

 

Sonika, I feel for you girl. I think you have allowed him to trample you, and have all but lost your self-respect. PLEASE work on getting this back RIGHT NOW. I know you have this ingrained trait of wanting to be 'good', and 'needing a hug', and what not, but PLEASE just read your own post again and you will see that you have renounced even the basic dignity no person must ever lose.

For starters, please work on thinking about YOU, and only about what pleases YOU, makes YOU feel confident, makes YOU feel important, beautiful, smart, everything you ARE and want to be in YOUR eyes. Just chuck even a single thought in the direction of husband, being with him, sharing a weekend, and god forbid sharing a bed with him. Are you even asking us if you should refuse intimacy?! You know the answer already I hope!

Girl, why are you thinking about even spending the weekend with him. Are you really hoping still for some miracle or something. God girl, please stop this before you go out of your mind! The way I see it you can go out with DS and enjoy an outing with him - take him to the park, the zoo, a movie or just go to the mall. SANS husband. Period.

I don't see this helping you much. Unless you want to show hubby you are STILL dependent on him, and want to salvage your relationship even if he won't show the teeniest bit of remorse. Of course buying yourself some smart business attire will be a good idea, but just binging on stuff you don't need will be like a call for attention to husband - he may take that as a sign you want to fall into his arms again. Is that what you really want?

The point is Sonika only YOU can help yourself. If you are again going to think of handling the situation based on HIS actions, HIS attitude, HIS moods and wants, then you are STILL letting him have the reign of control. Let go of that attitude. You need a job now, that's what your focus should be. Not husband, do you hear me?!! JOB. Repeat this mantra everyday, energise your spirits to make the most of your day at home, finish your degree with a drive. This will help you, not figuring how to deal with husband's tantrums and insane behaviour.

There is a wonderful quote that says "If you want something different to happen, do something different". Make yourself a mysterious woman who handles things way different from the old you. THIS will be your new avatar, it can be physical in terms of looks and what you wear or it can be the attitude you carry.

So BE THE CHANGE!!!

 

As usual, I endorse what Srividya says....sonika just follow a couple of her tips and I bet your life would change for the better! :thumbsup

 

Dear Sonika,

I feel sorry for what you are having to put up with. Your husband seems to be a rather nasty piece of work. He doesn't hate you. He just seems incapable of love. Which is his inherent disability. It is not your fault at all. From your posts it is clear that his self esteem is so damn low that he has to put you down and walk all over you in order to feel better with himself. He is just a bully.

I agree with everything Srividya has to say. At this point, your self-esteem seems to be at a low. Please try to work on it. Counseling really helps. Please do check whether you have counselors in your area.

I understand it when you say that you are by nature a person who wants to be good. However, at this point, the need of the hour is that you be a GOOD MOTHER. This definitely does translate to leaving your husband. If the child is brought up in this hostile environment, the child will not be able to understand what a happy family is all about. We don't want this having such implications on your child; right?

It is wonderful on your part to be looking for a job in order to be independent. Even better is the fact that you have a job now! Great start. Good luck, dear!!:cheers

My thoughts and prayers go out for you and your child to have a happy life. Please do share your updates. We are here for you.