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Feel Dead living with an Unloving Spouse. Please advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by homemaker81, Oct 20, 2011.

  1. munia101

    munia101 Bronze IL'ite

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    And herein lies the problem. You are his wife, not his jailor or probation officer. The fact that these thoughts are passing through your head shows there is a major issue of trust going on. I asked before that has he given you reason to suspect him? Has he had an affair or flirted with some one? You wrote that he does not have inappropriate talk with his female colleagues. Then why do you object to him talking to them?
    I have been married for many many yrs. In all that time I have not once looked at my husband's e-mails, or ever even picked up his cell phone to check on the calls he has made. I had a lot of issues in the early yrs of my married life and a great deal of unhappiness, but even then I did not check up on him. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and you are violating his by questioning him at every turn.

    [/QUOTE]
    Pick up and drop off the kids yourself. Take your second child and get him ready. That way it will give you some activity and get you out of the house and make you interact with others even if it is for a short time.

    You have two children, there should be more than enough to keep you occupied. Go for long walks with your children every day. Limit your media time to 1-1/2 hrs a day (put on a timer if you have to tell you when to stop). Go to the library at least twice a week, join a book group or something. Take up a project and aim to get it completed every week, maybe some book you will read, or some decoration work to complete, anything to occupy your mind. Stop looking at the forums with cheating husbands and projecting bad qualities on to your husband. If you read somewhere that a husband murdered his wife would you think your hubby was trying to kill you? Create an identity for yourself separate from your husband. Right now it seems you are focused on him all the time.
    Finally remember: it is perfectly O.K for a man to talk to other women at work, about movies, news, latest gossip etc. Just because you did not do it does not mean he should not. It is also o.k. to go to lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex and to talk with other women in your presence.
    It is completely abnormal and inappropriate to go through a spouse's e-mails, phone calls, think suspiciously about them all the time. Once trust is lost in a marriage there is almost no hope. You have a very unhealthy idea about male female relationships. You will have to work very very hard to change yourself, and may even need professional help to change your behavior. I have known people who have gone to behavioral therapists to seek change and it does produce very good results. Good luck!
     
    2 people like this.
  2. TimidlyConfidnt

    TimidlyConfidnt Gold IL'ite

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    A simple idle status throws you off so much ... WOW! How is a man suppose to work? You check on everything to keep him close to you....but this very behavior is driving him away. How far will have to be before its too late? My DH has very pretty assistant.... she is tall..beautiful blonde hair... blue eyes and very fair.... but it doesn't matter to me.... but I have this innate trust in him because we have built this relationship. Where is your trust?

    You think you are not saying anything to him and you are dealing with your suspicion? No that's actually sweeping it under the rug.... the problem still persist... because you are still killing yourself over it in your head which eventually boils over every once in a while. How can he want to talk to you when he probably knows that your suspicions are still there? Step out of your bubble...world is full of people and you need to interact..... that's as much needed for mental health as you eat and sleep for physical health.

    And you come here and read all thread on EMA's ... do you read any of the positive threads? Despite all that you have been doing isn't he still with you? Doesn't that say something abt his integrity?

    I will just reiterate what everyone has told you so far in this thread and your previous one... get professional help. This forum is not enough. You problem is far more serious. If your DH belittles your efforts... tell him you are doing it for both of you and you need his support not sarcasm.
     
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  3. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Read forums where a happy couple write about their experiences, of how their marriage works because they TRUST each other!! Maybe that should help a bit!!! And also, dont refrain from taking professional help. And put these advises from IL in practice!
     
  4. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Homemaker

    All friends have given good suggestions/advice.Pls try to change ur thought.

    I will give u few examples...

    Going out for lunch is not a big thing at all.We all go out with our male collegues for lunch.In my previous company,i was in a group of 12 and 2 of us were girls.The another girl's husband was working in the same company in another team.So she used to go for lunch with her DH.I used to go with my team people (all were male) for lunch/snacks.Its a very common thing dear....i really dont know why u r thinking so much regarding this...See u told all the female colleagues of ur DH are married,having kids...so just think...u have a doubt on them too..on their character??they may have an affair with ur DH..right??isn't it wrong??

    Another thing...let me just tell u the nature of different guys...first telling about my husband.He is shy in nature,cant talk much with girls... in office if some girl needs help then he will definitely help her(but he cant offer help from his side)...and cant discuss things like sports,movies etc with them....so its just his nature...

    Another guy who was in my college.He was always ready to help us(only girls)....he was a very talented boy ...but he never showed interest in helping his friends(boys)...so all boys used to tease him..but still he didnt change...he never had a bad attitude... all girls had a good impression on him.

    So what I am trying to tell is different guys have different nature...ur H is helping the ladies in office work..it doesn't mean that he likes them!!so pls don't doubt and take some professional help without which its not possible to stop ur mind thinking about unnecessary things....
     
  5. tweetymee

    tweetymee Junior IL'ite

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    HM,
    Everyone here has given good opinions and changes the want to see in you.
    I pray to Sai that he gives you the courage to change and your husband the ability to see the change in you.
    Hope things work out soon for you.
     
  6. chweetchoyee

    chweetchoyee Gold IL'ite

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    Hello homemaker,

    After reading your entire post replies, i have come to one conclusion..

    You have three problem.
    1. You dont trust your husband and your expecting him to trust you back.
    2. You dont love him like before and you want him to love you back.
    3. You are not honest to him with your feeling, you are not being open to him like you are here complaining bt him.

    I might be harsh bt its true. You have done damage to him emotionally and its hard for anybody to love back once they stop expecting or find anything good in a person. You are becoming selfish which shows in your replies. Why you want to live with him if you have so much of issues? Thats means you dont love him. Expectation is bad thing in a relation which ruins everything.. Why dont you stop thinking bt yourself and think like him.

    What he is expecting you to do is give him his own space, why you want to know bt his work when there is zero contribution? Men have to work in different situation and they may have to meet different genders.. Suspicious is not love its show you dont trust him at all. In anyone's life if there is a problem then you need to sit and sort it out with love not with fight. There is way to talk to your loved ones.. humble.. Be humble and selfless. Your man has responsibility of you and kids but you have much more than him.. You have to take care of you, your kids, your husband and your house but instead you are wasting this sweet life unwanted things. Dont pollute your relation with bad elements of life..

    I took these kind of issue in my previous thread..
    www.indusladies.com/forums/snippets-of-life-non-fiction/149109-a-good-relation-trust-honesty.html

    as my partner said.. A relation is beautiful if you think you can make it. Love, affection, care, humbleness, trusting, honesty and selfless is very difficult to be but when you do life will be so nice.

    You want to distract yourself right.. Spend time in redecorating your house, spend time in learning new recipes to impress him, learn new language. And say 100 time i love you to him. Do something that he start respecting you rather than spying bt him.

    Impress him, love him, love your kids, love yourself. If you love him with no expectation and be soft towards him i dont think no man can be away from his woman. And another thing work on how to bring the lost spark in your life.. Sometime physical intimacy attracts them. Be like the way he want and be the way he expects u to be.

    In a relation one have compromise and sacrifice. Its you who have to decide wthr to compromise and make this relation much some sweeter or sacrifice and separate.

    Try to find happiness than cribbing. If your husband comes to know that you are writing all theses things and asking advice from strangers he will get disappointed to the core.

    Every problem come with solution attached. Talk, impress, love and be kind to him. Make this relation work. Be happy and give him the peace which you too want from him.

    I am not advicing here but requesting you to work on your relation. Its your life you are the master and you are the student to yourself. Learn yourself and if not take his help in something.. Just to impress him.

    Plz change.
     
  7. lifeisajourney

    lifeisajourney Silver IL'ite

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    In india, I used to work and we used to start together to office and come home together. We used to go out to movies every weekend. There was no wireless internet connection and we shared one computer. Whenever he sends some email to his manager, he used to ask me to read it and verify it. But after coming to US, I had 2 kids and I am completely dependant on him. Most of my day goes cooking, cleaning and baby sitting which I didnt do when I were in India. To top it he joined a company where there are majority of woman workers. I think H4 and living in US, having 2 kids in a row has pushed me into such a situation. But in India, we used to have problems from inlaws. But that didn't cause a big gap between us.

    homemaker, life wont be the same as it was like when you were newly married, yes in india your life is way tooo different when compared to now. yes the kids are added to the family so are the new responsibilities and came along came new changes in your life.

    i do agree coming to a new country and settling there is really a big task it takes time to setup the house, grow financially and above all to make friends as well,

    coming to a new country made you think that there would be less in laws friction which would really help you both to have a better and smoother relation but on the other hand the whole scenario took a different turn

    in india you are working and you are pretty busy but then here instead of you getting occupied with your hobbies or other stuff you made your self tooo much clinged to your husband expecting him to talk to you for every minute even when he is at work, Dear its really high time that you need to cut off you apron strings from him, start spending quality time on you and inturn giving him some needed space so that your relation ship grows in a better way

    its never tooooo late to start a good work and more specifically the change needs to come from with in rather than expecting it from the other end.

    sorry to be a bit rude but then i really want to keep this across with no sugar coating-- you are really worried and becoming so anxious about the colleagues at your DHs work place mostly the women because you already invited the green eyed monster JEALOUSY. i think if they are all like you staying at home with 2 kids and some day came across your DH to check about a movie that wouldnt have bothered you much but then they all are working and then asking advices from your Dh and sharing stuff about movies etc, and you not working make you feel inferior to them and started developing a bad approach to wards them which ultimately taking a toll on your relation ship.

    your insecurities made you feel inferior, lose your self confidence, the addition of 2 kids and the visa restrictions made you feel so struck at home,and the whole scenarios put together made you depressed, killed the most important factor in the institute of marriage TRUST, and above all the love which you need to cherish as well.

    Dear LOVE is not a feeling but a choice you make it out of your own will and you exercise on it to make it happen in your own ways. sit back relax and go through your actions towards your DH and judge your self whther they are showing love or something else.

    As said dear its never tooo late to come out of the mess you created on your own,

    Stop feeling jealous about the women colleagues they might be going througgh a different set of problems,have a open heart to wards them which inturn makes you interact with them freely, may be in short time you may become more friendly with them and they talk to you more often rather than your DH.

    Start concentrating on the most important person YOU, take one step at atime start dressing up for your self do a facial,the feel good factors help a lot to be confident about oneself.

    take up a hobby of your interest or a project which make you busy and stops you thinking abour DH all the time,
    Go to window shopping to a nearby mall and explore each and every shop till its time to pick you kid from kindy or your DH coming back home, for sure you will have loads to talk about the stuff you saw with yor DH which would ultimately avoid you in not getting into an argument

    Go to the nearby library or take your second kid for a walk or a play group organised by the local community groups, there by you will get time foryourself to relax and also you will meet new people


    and finally no forum is filled with EMA posts alone, there are other post about inlaws , parenting, financial stuff movies and hobbies as well the total numberof EMA posts wouldnt be even a fraction when compared to the other posts. think about the pain people are going through such a mess,its good to be empathetic with them but then you dont need to create one for your self and feel the pain when its not necesaaary and when you are for sure not going through one.

    good luck
     
  8. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello HM. Thanks for liking the post am glad that it made you feel better.

    Can undertsand your reluctance in visiting a professional threpist. But you have to educate people that its not what they think.

    Best thing for you to do in my opinion - would be to get a job for yourself ina company. so you can go out and meet with real people. If status, visa are not an issue thsiis the best. You would have already cosndiered this i know.

    Dont beat yourself up and also dont trouoble husb. Take it easy. When at home - sit calm. take a deep breath. Go back in time and see how you were before. what has happened that made you to eb extra cautious. Think for yourself what needs to be done. You are an intelligent woman HM, you will know what to do. You know whats rgtha nd what not.

    now this is your homework - think and ocme back to us - write what came ot your mind. tell us how your self analysis went. tell us what are the steps that you ahev thought of to firght this back. i know you will do it. take your itme.

    Folks thanks for liking my post (you know who you are). Thanks JAG, Hello Rose. Hi SSC, thanks and am glad you foudn it helpful :) and here i will reduce the font and pretend i did not write anythign to deviate OPs thread ;) :hide:
     
  9. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Dear ILs,

    Thank you so much for all your valuable posts and advices. Last 3 days, I had been following all your suggestions. I felt a great difference in myself. I went to the library and fetched some books to evade jealousy (Emotional wellness by osho and overcoming jealousy and possessiveness (wonderful book)by paul hauck). Both were great reads. I just got time to read few pages but it was great reading it.

    I stopped checking his chat status although some times I feel like seeing it (because i have been doing this for years).

    I closed my system for one whole day (on a friday) and took my kids to park library and hotel, shopping and spent 1 whole day outside. I felt so wonderful that day. My husband called me thrice that day. Maybe he was missing my probings and questions. Wish i could keep my system away and be outside every day. But i have to work for the sake of money and experience.

    I completely stopped asking my husband about his whereabouts and his office details. I meditate on sai and read sai charitra every day asking god for help.

    Still at times i feel a pinch when he watches a love song or sings a love song (movie song) and assume may be he should be loving someone and thinking of that girl.. But again came back and read the IL posts and I gave up the possessive thought. Earlier, the moment i see him watching such love songs, i will switch off the tv or ask him to close the song. But now i give him the freedom to watch the song. Although I didnt tell anything , he could sense the sadness in my eyes. As soon as I came and sat down, he changed the song and played my favorite song. I just kept quiet.

    Today its his diwali lunch and some activities (games) they have until afternoon. Earlier, I used to worry every second about his office lunching and have a long face while he says he has a team lunch at office. This time I just asked him to wear a new dress for the diwali celebration at office. I felt so relieved when I don't suspect. Otherwise, it will be living in thorns. I will call him and he won't pick up and my mind will run a movie thinking he is with someone.. Today i didnt call, i didnt even feel jealous and I am feeling much better.

    But somewhere I feel very lonely and bored in this country. Wearing a new dress and sitting back at home on diwali is something so boring. My husband said he will take us to temple in the evening. I wanted to go to hotel. But he refuses to eat out on diwali day. Anyway whole day I will be in the house sitting with my computer with no one to talk. My kid is going for field trip in school tomorrow. He never likes socializing. If i want to call any of his friends, he will say we will rather spend time watching tv programs. I am scared whether my loneliness will put me back to square one.

    Hats off to everyone who transformed me and made me realize the happy life without jealousy. I feel free and light. I could also see a great difference in my husband. He comes home a little early than before. He opens up a little and talks to me. He told me about office meetings even without me asking about his idle status. He spoke about some movie and was telling me the story of it. I was amazed to see him talk so much after years.

    Naksh, I wish I could go out to work. Visa restrictions. I can't work until next year. There is no luck in job hunt too. thanks for your posting. I will be back with a self analysis.
     
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Thats one long stride HM. Fantastic..Keep doing what u are doing . As a next step ask ur DH to just not log into chat. That way there is no temptation. Let him know u are serious about making that change and I am sure he will slowly open up .
     

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