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Feel Dead living with an Unloving Spouse. Please advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by homemaker81, Oct 20, 2011.

  1. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am married with 2 small kids. Living in US for the last 4 years. Whenever I fall sick, my husband doesn't even care to ask how I am feeling. This hurts me a lot. Yesterday I had some root canal done, I was dying in pain. My husband didn't even ask a word about my teeth procedure or pain. With no friends here, I felt so bad.

    I just told him that I am very upset that he is not even asking me a word whenever I am sick or dying with pain. But I always take care of him so much. He said " I wantedly didn't ask about your health. Because I don't feel like asking such things to you." I have seen him enquiring his parents or friends or colleagues when they are sick. His answer was like a slap on my face. But I was all in tears the moment he said this. But he continues to talk to me normally after this. But I still feel sad about his words. His reason for this statement "my possessiveness on him". I never like him interacting with women or going out with women for lunch. So we have had a lots of fights earlier because I always assume he is with someone. But now I don't ask anything and I have changed a lot. But he still has so much hatred towards me.

    Should I continue talking to him as he does or let him sense how painful was his words. This is not only with tooth pain. This happens every time even when I am in unbelievable pain. He doesn't even care about me. I am feeling very lonely and all in tears, with no one to console.
     
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  2. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess your husband feels the same as well?I remember you...you were the one who was extremely possessive and wouldnt allow your hubby to watch songs or skimpily clad women,check his mails often. Although it has been a while since then and you had promised to change yourself.Not sure how much you have changed..but if you did,your husband should give you a chance. Looks like he has become stonehearted when it comes to you.I dont know what to say...maybe you should ask your husband to reevaluate your nature and see if he can forgive you and get back to normal.After all,a marriage is a lifetime commitment and both of you cannot stay this way forever.

    P.S:How are you now?A rootcanal should have relieved you of your pain instead of adding to the existing one.Are you on antibiotics and painkillers?
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Hi Rose,

    thanks for the reply. Yes I have changed a lot. But sometimes I couldn't stop asking him when I feel something suspicious. I get irritated the moment he closes the mail box when i am around. I couldn't take the torture and sit next to him just to watch what he is doing in the system. When he says some hotel food is good and somone said so, I feel he has gone with somebody but just not discloses it to me. But somehow I don't throw my questions and remain quiet in order to prevent a dispute. Fighting every day is reduced to fighting once in 4 months. Because he recently joined a company where there are more women and few men, I always feel this way. He always likes helping other women at work. because he is the most experienced person, people take his help and finally he gets friendly with them. But he never talks or calls anyone from home. But has the habit of checking his office mails every now and then. He tries to stay awake some days until 12 to help them do their work (over phone) (after a fight, he stopped taking/working calls from home). But one of this woman speaks our native language and kind of speaks about movies and stuff to him. When we went for a get together, she was discussing about a movie. I was standing right there and she just said a hi to me and continued talking to my husband. She is also married and with her husband. This pisses me off. Why should a person help some other woman at work and carry her work on weekends when she doesn't know to do. I used to mind my business when I used to work. I have never did such things for any of my colleagues. But I keep everything inside and see to that I don't create a fight out of it.
    Yes. I am taking the pain medications. Because he is less affectionate and doesn't show any sign of love, doesn't buy anything or doesn't even say I look good, I feel very upset and this is what is causing me so much trouble.
     
  4. argee

    argee Senior IL'ite

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    Hello homemaker 81,
    I hope you're feeling better now.
    Coming to your problem, the reason why your husband is behaving the way he currently does is "may be" because of your past behaviour. Give him some more time to let him know that you've changed. Sit down and talk to him about how you feel and how you're trying to change. Let him know that the change is not possible without his love and support. I'm not sure how much time you get to spend with him alone with 2 kids. So try going out on date nights, movie nights or whatever it is that you like to do. Dont take your kids with you. Believe me,half of your problems will be solved once you've had a heart to heart discussion.
     
  5. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its time that your husband realises that he needs to work on the marriage as well. Else there's no point living a lie whole your life.Ask him what he wants and until when he decides to remain aloof.You are a human being and have feelings too.Good luck.
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Homemaker..I remember you ..How are u doing dear? Are u both taking any professional help?
    I am glad u are working on ur possessiveness . Have u made any friends dear? I am really sorry about ur DHs lack of responsiveness. Can u try positive reinforcement ?Lets say ...instead of asking him .".why are u NOT enquiring about my pain.".can u say .".I would feel a bit better when u
    ask about my health like u used to do" . Try to remind him of the early days of ur marriagebefore u became unreasonably possessive.
    Years of hurt take time to heal.Hang in there. Try not to doubt his each move.For most of us in the software world with offshore teams checking mails in the night or chatting with colleagues to resolve issues
    is very normal. Have faith .
     
  7. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Thank you very much for your posts. I believe in Sai. Hope god will change my life some day. I don't think my husband will shower love or affection on me. He always says life is going to be like this for you forever (without love). Sometimes, I feel like going back to India and stay with my mom. Atleast I will have people around to speak and take care of me when I fall sick. But with 2 kids, my life will not be easy there. I cry to myself and keep quiet. I always think things have changed after staying in US for 4 years on a dependant visa and having kids. In india, I used to work and we used to start together to office and come home together. We used to go out to movies every weekend. There was no wireless internet connection and we shared one computer. Whenever he sends some email to his manager, he used to ask me to read it and verify it. But after coming to US, I had 2 kids and I am completely dependant on him. Most of my day goes cooking, cleaning and baby sitting which I didnt do when I were in India. To top it he joined a company where there are majority of woman workers. I think H4 and living in US, having 2 kids in a row has pushed me into such a situation. But in India, we used to have problems from inlaws. But that didn't cause a big gap between us.

    A month ago I started searching for work desparately. Finally, I have occupied myself in online work. But very less pay according to US standarrds. Whenever I see some couple holding hands and walking together, I always feel sad for my situation.

    argee,

    Thanks. Yes. Maybe his ego is what is keeping him from asking me about my health. Even if i hold his hands when we are out, he will just push it off. When I ask, the answer would be "i don't like you or you change"
    Yes. Sometimes I put the kids to sleep early and we watch a movie together. But I am the one who will be taking such intiatives. Otherwise, he will go to sleep even before the kids sleep. No we both are very attached to kids. Even if we leave them somewhere, we will be worried all the time about them. My 3 year old can stay well in the preschool. But the preschool is closed on weekends. But my 2 year old has separation anxiety and he will cry if i am not around. So i feel its too early for me to drop them somewhere and go for a movie night. My husband will definitely not like going out leaving the kids somewhere. So i think it should take time.
    Weekends, we go out to temple, hotel or somewhere. But we hardly have anything to talk. Because he has all women at work, he is scared to say things that he talks in office. Because I may catch up a fight. So he always stays quiet. I work from home. So don't get a chance to go out and meet people.
    Rose82
    I already asked him this question "what he wants" . He says I have to change and he had experienced so much torture that he doesn't have love for me. He says he lives with me only for the sake of kids. In the last 6 months, I somehow found an online work and working from home. So its just to keep myself occupied and overcome my financial hurdles. He is also manipulative and we have many financial problems as well. Even the small money and the work I do is what that keeps me happy.
    Just another girl,
    Nice of you to remember me. I am ok. No professional help. I took a counselling once and confessed it to my husband. I think why I confessed it to him. This is why he calls me mental everytime. I am feeling very bad. No I didn't find any single friend. All I have is one of my college friends, who lives closeby. Since I have started to work from home, I hardly get time to meet people. My husband hates to bring people home. Even If i plan to arrange a birthday party for my kid at home, he immediately calls it a waste of money. He suggests we go out to some place and enjoy as a family.
    If i am sick and tell him i need help. He will come home early, do all the house-hold work, baby sit my kids and allow me to take rest. But this happens only if i tell him I need help. But there is no single enquiry about my health. He will just say take medicines if i constantly tell him I am in pain.
    He is very nice to the kids. He will help my kid with home work, play with them, drop her and pick her from school. He is very spiritual and does pooja every day. He comes for walks with me. He helps with feeding the kids and laundry. He loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen when I am sick or tired. He makes coffee if i ask him to do. But he hardly talks. If i ask, he will say i don't feel comfortable talking to you.
     
  8. munia101

    munia101 Bronze IL'ite

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    Is there is reason why he says that? It is a very strong statement to make.

    How does it matter if there are women in the office? From your posts it sounds as if you somehow find that objectionable. For a working man a majority of his time is spent at work. Why does he feel he cannot discuss that freely with you? If he is always having to check himself before talking to you for fear of your attitude, then it is normal that he will not discuss his office life with you. Has he ever given you cause to believe that he does not show appropriate behaviour in the office with other women?

    Wow! That is a big statement from him. Do you think what he is saying is correct? What does he think you did to cause him so much torture? If he clearly says he does not love you nor even have respect for you and is staying only for the sake of the kids then I don't understand how the situation can be saved. Staying together only for the kids is torture both for the two of you and the kids. It is a poor example to set for children when parents have no respect or affection for each other.
    You need to have a big talk with him and ask him how he "wants you to change"? Ask him to tell you specific things he wants from you and then try to change yourself. But he also has to participate. If you make all the effort and he does not respond and things still remain the same then maybe you and your husband should see a marriage counselor.
     
  9. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Homemaker,
    I remember reading your previous threads. Just stay strong. I feel its just years of hurt that your H has gone through, and it will take some time for him to come around. Last time when I read your posts, I understood that your possessiveness was taking a toll on him. You have changed, but here is another piece of advise after reading your post:

    You have just decided that you'll not fight about the fact that he talks to women/works with a lot of women. As long as its within you, its going to come out some day. So try to take out that thought, talking/interacting with women, is not going to harm your marriage or your H's thoughts. Atleast thats how it works for me. Until I accept it wholeheartedly, I will just pile up frustrations and it will come out in a fight. Also, try to make friends for your kid's sake,like your child's friends' mothers. Will be a good thing to take your mind away too. Good luck and I hope things turn around for you !!

    And wish you feel better soon after your root canal :)
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    HomeMaker,

    You are not understanding how much pain you are causing to your husband and only thinking about you.

    Just right now,I got some food from house and I gave to my women collegue and as well as men collegue.As a collegue,they both are same to me.It doesn't matter it's a women or men.

    I never ever check my husband computers.As long as you don't take out this possesiveness,your husband love never come back to you.You need to remember that.No matter how much you complain on your husband,no one here can solve your issue.You only can help yourself.

    Ok tell me onething.You can go and live with your mother.That time don't you worry about your husband and what he is doing around?If he can ignore him then why don't ignore all his emails and collegues while living in the same house.

    Whatever checking you do,if the person wanted to do something wrong he can do .No matter what.In that case why all this hassle for you.

    Initial days,he might be very loving,not knowing your nature or he would hope you will change.But after years,he understand what you are.If I have that kind of spouse,even I don't want to love him not care for him.
     

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