Extra marital relationships

Dear Chithra,
Coming to talk of platonic relationships, why do they arise in the first place? most of these type of relationships arise between ppl of opposite sex. And the reason-for married ppl-incompatability and for unmarried ones- harmonal changes. Other than this reason, I wonder if platonic relationships can ever exist. May be I am wrong, but in majority cases it is true. Aplatonic relationship has always the risk of crossing limits and turning into a physical relationship.
I feel when one marries, specially the new generation, he/she should be fully prepared to respect each others differences. Each one should have the freedom to pursue his/her own interests, at the same time searching for commonalities so that life can be shared between them too. In this way life won't be suffocating . Do people who seek physical pleasure from professionals find compatibility with them. Physical pleasures and emotional compatability are two different things. The former will wane with time.
I would like to borrow your words-"One is answerable to one's own conscience, which always comes out with the "right" answers and not "convenient" answers ! You are answerable to your own self; only next comes the society.
It is always fear and guilt conscience that makes us come out with a "holier than thou" attitude."
any way Cheeniya sir had started with a " Highly combustible thread"!

 

Dear Malathy,
I am giving you a reply, since you have addressed the post to me & not to Cheeniya.
Very often, in life, things crop up from unexpected angles, call it, quarters!
Platonic life is a term which has been in existence, dating back to old times, perhaps. But with the internet connectivity literally in our finger tips, it has become more relevant today. What starts as a pleasant 'hi, bye" takes a different hue, in fact, different hues over a period of time. I think, in spite of compatibility with the spouse, this can shape up as a casual, interesting, enjoyable friendship. Each is on her or his best behaviour & words, because the companionship is more virtual than real. I strongly feel the "getting drawn to the other", unknowingly (?) creeps in as a very high probability. For the same reason, one "dares to bare" one's inner self as well. Unless one's moral values are very high & "holy", I think, physical pleasures which we (flippantly?) call "fleeting" are very likely to play a part when they meet - ofcourse, I am not generalising, Malathy. I am not totally condemning platonic friendship. I only feel, it is like walking on a razor's edge. One has necessarily to be on guard all the time!

We can talk theoritically so much. But it is very probable that emotions can always overrule us and we fall an inevitable prey to the rulings of the heart.
Unless we are very strong in our minds, in the present day context of life, the opportunities are very many to "lead one into temptation".
It is at such times, we tend to follow the "convenient answers" from our conscience, to twist it to our wishes !
You write that physical pleasures will wane away in time. It is not likely to be so in all cases, though may be, in a majority of cases.The "fire" in one's heart is likely to be present till the last day, may be in a dormant form atleast. If it is fanned by opportunities, its existence is bound to be revealed. Hence my statement that one should follow the right answers from one's conscience. Only the person concerned can decide what is the right answer ??!!
Love,
Chithra.

 

Dear Cheeniya,

Just a random thought from the back on my head (flooded with Sun TV serials where every man standing has an EMA). Whenever an EMA is mentioned, two movies tinkle in my mind. One is Mudhal Mariyadhai by Bharatiraja. The other is Bridges of Madison County with Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood. Let us all take an honest moment and tell ourselves- with whom did our sympathies lie in either movie? Did we pray for tradition and propriety to hold sway and allow the marriage to continue as always? Or did we shed a tear with the actors and vote otherwise?

How simple, convenient and refreshing it would be if the goal of all EMAs were physical contact and affairs? In my opinion, the very essence of today's EMAs is the negation or avoidance of physical contact. What most 'friends' seek is someone to talk to, someone to confide their feelings. Someone, non-affected, a third party to share their troubles and problems.

Such an EMA is all about escapism, a voluntary suspension of reality and belief. Escapism because in the ten minutes of chat, the agents escape into a mayajal world where there is no on else except the two of them. Escapism because in this relationship they will never be expected to balance the household budget together, they do not have to deal with the MiL, they do not have to turn away frustrated in bed, they do not have to plan a retirement together.

I assume most modern EMAs are like this. There are many to whom an EMA spells out as a physical relationship, I am sure they have their reasons and justifications for what they do. But for the rest of the world, EMAs are platonic, covert. I do not recommend either, there is no substitute to dealing with ground reality practically. But at the end of the day, all said and done and reasoned, who wants another complicated partner for sex, when you have to trade a good friend in the bargain?

Have to run now.

cheers
Vidya

 

Dear Sri,

Seeing the combustible nature of the thread I took herculean efforts to keep away from such a juicy discussion. Many of my stories and articles have affairs as their central theme. I have never seen even a single case where the persons involved in the affair are happy. That made me write stories like The Leader (Alive - 2002), An Affair and Its Aftermath (in IL in the marital relationships forum) where I have given words to what I saw in real life.

I have known men having relationship with call girls. They are of a different type and they are happy and without problems. A client of mine, very rich and very handsome used to be of this type. He used to talk about his experiences with all the VIP call girls. He was a happy-go-lucky person until he met a woman who fell in love with him. This man is married with three children.

The lady who fell in love with him is also from a rich family. She is also married. Before going into the morality of that issue, let me just tell its effects. The hero became grief-stricken. The eternal smile which used to adorn his handsome features had gone for ever.

I did not have the heart to advise him on his personal matter. But when I chanced to meet his nephew who knew every thing, I told him, "Your uncle is now carrying enormous emotional baggage. When he was just visiting call girls he was free and happy. This complicated love affair has given him a baggage which he can never put down. Take it from me, this affair is going to leave emotionally deep scars in your uncle's psyche."

But having said that I would like to just add a raider to what Chithra has said regarding modern girls. I can boast that I am most competent to make a statement in this regard, because I have many women friends, a typical cross section of them. A high-profile HR Manager, a couple of writers, a house wife, a few chartered accountants et al. I chat with many of them, exchange mails, talk over phone and have also met them in person and talked for long.

I could sustain these relationships because there was no hidden agenda involved. Other than friendship I did not require anything from them. Nor did they want anything from me. If any of them has a mood swing, she would call me and chat generally for a few minutes. And if I want some shoulders to cry on in the middle of the day, I will call them up, not to discuss my problem; but talk generally about super star, the climate and the US economy.

I have been like this for the past 15 years and never once I have crossed the limits. The maximum limit to which we go is shaking hands. That too is not carried out as a formality. When we meet after a long time, or when we part, knowing well, that we may not meet for years, we shake hands.

It is pretty naive to think that fear or other external factors can safeguard our chastity. Only a deep realisation about the risks can guard us. Because fear, at times, can be thrashed down, if the body-chemistry is right.


It is even more naive to think that with all the modern means of communications women (or men) tend to go astray. A small percentage do get caught up in affairs. But a majority are aware of their limitations and are able to sustain healthy relationships with the members of the opposite sex for life. If you ask me, honestly, the proportion of women (or men)falling into affairs has remained almost the same over the last hundred years. Only thing is we have better news coverage now.

Let me also tell you a hometruth known to the Tamil culture for 2000 years. If a woman decides to cheat, nothing can stop her. The fear factor, chastity belts, regimented home, nothing can come in her way. Thiruvalluvar was one person who was aware of this when he said:

சிறை காக்கும் காப்பு எவன் செய்யும் மகளிர் தம்
நிறை காக்கும் காப்பே தலை

Of what use is a cage in guarding woman's chastity? She is the best guard.

Regards,
sridhar

 

Varalotti,

:2thumbsup: :clap

regards
Vidya

 

Dear Sri,

if your grandson were to ask that 'Nayagan' question in my presence, I will intrude even befor you open your mouth to say, that "Your thaatha is a good man."

Goodness, to me, is not being confined to some pre-determined moral code. Goodness is accepting one's faults and when seeing some other person committing the same set of excesses, to disregard that with a compassionate smile.

Again goodness or badness cannot be based on past deeds or omissions. It is actively based on what we think at this given moment.

I do not have the seniority or maturity to proclaim along with you, "I am not going to be ashamed of my bad deeds or elated about the good ones"
But I know this much. Being elated about our good deeds makes them less good and being ashamed of our bad deeds makes them less bad.

Thanks, Sri, for giving an opportunity to go deep into my thoughts and feelings.

sri