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Extra marital relationships

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, May 9, 2007.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Editor's Note: Thank you for sharing this with us. It has been chosen as the Best of Forums. Congratulations! for viewership by a larger audience we have it as an article here.
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    A few years back, the renowned moviemaker of South, K Balachander produced a classic movie titled “Sindhu Bairavi”. It is about a carnatic musician who is the rage of the town. He receives rave reviews from every nook and corner of the country except at home. His wife is a kind of Aurangzeb reborn who has absolutely no ear for music. She earns her hubby’s wrath by running the mixie when he sits and listens to the lilting voice of Lata Mangeshkar singing Meera bhajans. For her, it is more important to finish cooking food for her husband than to waste time on music. Her love for her husband manifests itself in every other form except an appreciation for music. Barring a few skirmishes now and then, they get along well being basically good-hearted people.


    Sindhu is an orphaned girl who has a tremendous sense of music. She chances to meet the singer in one of his crowded concerts.She crosses sword with him on the question of why classical singers should confine themselves to singing of songs in an unintelligible language all the time when they should be reaching the masses through singing in a language known to them. The singer is initially irked by the idea but sees the sense of it in course of time. He is amazed by the depth of the girl’s knowledge of music. When he finds that she is also an ardent admirer of his, he loses his heart to her. The girl being a lonely person all her life accepts his love. Thereafter the story meanders through twists and turns and ends up in the usual cinematic climax.

    The Director’s reluctance to keep the pair tied for life was more out of social compulsions than of reason. When the film ended with the girl setting out once again on her long and lonely journey leaving her child born of her brief affair with the singer to be brought up by the first wife, many were upset by the unfairness of it all.

    A couple of years back, Ananda Vikatan, carried an interview with another famous film personality, Balu Mahendra, in which he has admitted to marrying a second time . His affair with his prime TV actress Mounika was almost twenty years’ old. He says that he lost his heart to her because of her passion for the nuances of good cinema. He could identify a kindred soul in her being himself a veteran Director who breathed cinema. Together they have made some fantastic TV shows. His first wife knew nothing more than serving her hubby well but drew blank on sharing his passion for cinema. He concludes that he tied the wedding knot after living with her for many years because he felt guilty about her being branded as his paramour. After reading that interview, many felt that if only he had shown the same maturity with regard to his relationship with the famous actress Shobha, she would not have committed suicide.

    All this brings us to a grand question. Are these extra marital relationships justified? If a man gets wedded to a woman who is totally incompatible with his dreams and objectives, he has no choice but to stick around gamely for the rest of his life. It can be the other way too if a woman finds herself teamed up with a man who is not at all her idea of a husband. In most cases, they stick around and appear as happily married a couple as possible for several compelling reasons. They can not divorce because divorces are rare in our society. The void in their hearts can grow larger and larger and in many cases, the men and women compromise so much on their inner cravings that they cease to exist in course of time. It is like the famous case of ‘Operation success but the patient died’. They may save the marriage but at what cost?
    There are some who find the inner conflict too much to cope with and when they find a person who turns out to be a panacea for all their torments, they just lose their hearts to that person. There may be nothing physical in the resultant relationship which can at best be incidental. But the world tends to look at such relationships with a suspicious eye because the general thinking is that any relationship between a man and a woman has to be physical. In a society in which thousands of couples go through the motions of a successful marriage despite the most severe incompatabilities, a few rebels are difficult to understand. Are these rebels to be pitied, censured or accepted?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2014
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  2. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Very good article. You are really making people to think about EMA by giving very good examples and justifications.
    I think now a days people are not afraid of society (but there are some exceptions) and they just think about their own happiness.
    Now a days divorce is very common in India, even parents are supportive to divorce. It all depends on the couples whether to sacrifice/compromise with their married life or live their life with full of happiness.
     
    sindmani and g3sudha like this.
  3. Pritirach

    Pritirach Silver IL'ite

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    hello sir
    Even i have thoght on these lines before.Actually this thought stuck me during my college days when one of my friends had two mothers:icon_frown:.They were real sisters.His father has married the elder sister but soon after marriage realised tht his wavelength matches with the younger one.So within one year of marriage with much drama brought the other sister home and married her.But at the same time realised tht his first wife was also his reponsibility(as he said so), so he did not let her go and now both sisters are staying together.Also they have two children(my friend and a sister).They are both children of elder wife , as they decided tht younger one should not have children .

    So now tell me who was he unfair with:bangcomp:.?Elder one, who has children but has to share her husband within one year of marriage or younger who got her love but no respect in society and children !!

    He also felt tht the yonger one suits his interest and temperament.But here my question is if elder wife does not match his interest then reverse is also equally true.I Mean tht he neither suits her interests.then why she should not do the same thing:idontgetit:.

    A human being can share any relationship but not a husband or wife.We share our parents with our siblings but a husband or wife CANNOT BE SHARED.In our society there is always a rule for a Man and other for Woman.

    At the same time (in the above case) wht i felt was if he liked younger sister he should have married her(which he did) but not allowing elder one to go was totally unfair on his part.

    No two individuals share equal interest or temparaments.Same with husabnd and wife and synchronising those interests is what marriage is all about isn't it?

    Maybe I am too young to comment on such delicate issues.But everytime i visited thier home i felt bad for both the ladies .
     
    3 people like this.
  4. cool100

    cool100 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I completely accept with priti because husband and wife are meant to live with but not to share with someone else. Ok even if for a while we forget about the parents what about the kids? Are they not suffering when they come to know all these issues about their parents. When they see other kids enjoying with their parents these kids obviously raise a question why we are unable to enjoy like them? :cry:

    When two persons decide to have kids, they should take an oath of upbringing the child in a healthy and safe environment. Daily the kid sees or listens something or the other about his/her parents and they dont know how to solve this problem and they end up in some other problem just to come out of this.

    Even the mentality of a women is such like that she prefers to stay with the husband and the second woman rather than going out for a divorce and lead a single life (and this is more difficult if she have kids).... Even her parents are not ready to support her then what else she can do? What I feel to some extent is lack of education makes a woman to think like that. And every girl child must be taken care she grows into a very strong individual with financial stability .

    Lastly I would say that our law should be made sound so that no man would even think of having an affair.............

    These are the things which I felt and am looking forward to see others opinions
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sri,

    What you have written in your post this time is a
    Delicate issue,
    Harsh truth,
    but
    Stark reality

    I am not generalizing, but what I write is purely what I observe in everybody's life.
    After marriage , over the years, children, responsibility etc take the front seat, pushing sex, romance & love to the back seat. Companionship continues definitely, one having got used to the other after a period of time, but definitey lacks luster or thrill. Is that not an essential ingredient in life?
    If at this juncture, a fresh breeze blows in the form of friendship from a member of the opposite sex, the inevitable chemistry takes place !
    To be desired is an ego booster for both man and woman. Many may cross the line just once or twice and then are clean throughout their lives. But sex, especially, on stealth, can also be quite addictive and habit forming. Please forgive me for being so explicit.
    One avoids it for fear and nothing else. How does that fear come into our mind? It's because of 5000 years of Indian culture and our upbringing, the values shared by our elders and role models. Most of the modern women now lack this fear. They go ahead and yield to temptation. They do have the pleasure. Very few, about 1% I should say live a wayward life and do it happily. But 99% are emotionaly burdened, torned by conflict, and weighed down by guilt. I am sure, the same should be true for a man, as well.
    Is the pleasure worth all the trauma, one undergoes, with children to be taken care of, family to be looked after ? I think the answer is a big NO.

    Love,
    Chithra.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear puni
    I must first of all clarify my position in this matter. I have merely raised a socially relevant issue that is looming large in the modern society. The question of compatability was an unknown issue until a few decades back. The reason could be that marriages took place at a very tender age when the boy and the girl could hardly have any aspirations except some childish fantasies. It was easy for them to grow together and understand each other. Further women were hardly educated or exposed to the society. Their lives were spent entirely in kitchen! Even in such times, men were allowed to have parallel relationships and the women suffered it silently. To suit his amorous forays, he coined the highly illogical saying that man is polygamist by nature!

    With greater exposure and excellent education, women are becoming increasingly aware of their rights and have the guts to fight for them.
    In talking of extra marital relationship, I am merely taking for consideration the ones that arise out of emotional and intellectual incompatabities and not the physical side. The last mentioned is just a manifestation of a sick mind.
    As regards the emotional and intellectual imcompatabilities, I can not understand why it should lead to either an extra marital relationship or a divorce. Is it not possible for both to start understanding each other and take such remedial action as will minimise the incompatabilities?

    I want the younger generation to start thinking in terms of how to save a marriage rather than break it.
    Sri
     
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  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pritirach
    I too kinow of a similar story here in which all the people involved are highly placed Doctors! I fully agree with you that a matrimonial relationship is highly sacrosanct. It is a commitment for life. No effort can be too much to keep it on a solid foundation pariticularly keeping in mind the welfare of the children. I have seen the trauma faced by the kids when the parents are at loggerheads and it wrenches my heart.
    I have seen some men telling me that their affairs outside are very discreet and their wives will swear by them as the modern avatar of Sri Rama! They say so with a lot of pride too! Hearing them, I feel that it is the most cruel form of hypocrisy!
    Sri
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Cool
    If the husband is not a 'habitual offender' as they say in criminal parlance, wont it be more prudent to sit and talk things over rather than allowing it to end up in a divorce? But I often find that whenever a rift surfaces between a man and his wife, ego takes the front seat and becomes the driving force.
    The irony here is that the parents of the girl counsel patience while the offending man is encouraged by his parents invariably, their argument being that a woman can not question her husband! I'm glad that even the parents are getting more enlightened now
    Sri
     
  9. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    The finality with which you have said NO can be understood and appreciated in the light of your age, your social status and the impeccable image you have earned yourself.
    If fear is the key for the chastity belt, long live FEAR!
    Sri
     
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  10. chitrajan

    chitrajan Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sr Sri,

    EMAs are a result when people cross the limits of morality in marriage which are prevalent in any society. Who or what defines morality is the underlying issue. But in general the limits have been set to differentiate humans from animal behaviour.

    Coveting another person's spouse is something which has come down generations in all classes of society from our epics to monarchy to the lowest cadre. But still it is an act committed knowingly and wilfully resulting in forging a new relationship on the broken fragments of old ones.

    In our society where marriages are still arranged , relationships have to be nurtured and developed. Who knows there may be a surprise in it!! Two people from entirely different paths of life get together and can hit it off well. Getting influenced by cinemas and soaps on the idiot box leads to dreams and generalizing non compatibility as an excuse to indulge in EMA is totally to be looked down on. Like you have mentioned, if people are still carrying on with the relationship, it is because they still have hope to salvage their relationship or are striving to set an example to others on how not to succumb to EMA. Their act of living is a penance in itself.

    One can always have a friend, group to share passions in life -- it is not necessary to have EMA. Companionship does not have to be physical always -- though it may enhance the relationship in more ways than one.

    Society in general looks down on such relationships with suspicion that it may be physical because once it becomes a standard norm, then the future generation will get the impression that physical relationships in search of compatiability will be accepted.

    Like Chithra has mentioned == To be desired by others is a big ego booster == but when it results in broken homes and hardened hearts along the way, EMA are DEFINITELY NOT TO BE ENCOURAGED OR ACCEPTED.
     

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