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Extra-marital Affairs

Discussion in 'Interesting Shares' started by Sandyr46, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    Sharing an email.

    Maybe this is just of one of the reasons why relationships and heartbreak should be acknowledged as and talked about as a part of growing up – not as something some immoral young people do on Valentine’s Day.

    “This is the worst emotional crisis of my life…
    My question is, why didn’t it hurt him so much? Maybe because he has been in and out of relationships and has more experience dealing with it? By contrast, this was the closest I had ever come to anything close to a relationship.”

    What would you say to the email writer?

    Heartbreak, and if/why men and women deal differently with it.

    Dear,

    I am a regular reader of your fabulous blog. It has shaped my thoughts and feelings like very few things in life have. I also comment here fairly regularly–not so much of late, but certainly until some months back.

    I am a 38-yrs-old mother-of-two who recently took a job after a long break. Lookwise I would describe myself as above average and moderately attractive.

    At work, the person who sat next to me was a 25 year old guy. He was more experienced in the field, while I was a virtual novice, so I often turned to him for help and suggestions.

    I cannot say we hit it off immediately– I initially thought he was a feku who boasted a lot. However, we gradually started talking quite a bit. I realized, much to my surprise, that he had actually not been boasting about anything. He had excellent manners and was very well brought up. Spoke excellent English. He did not bring his lunch to work because he stayed two hours away from office and did not get the time to cook in the morning. I started taking extra chapatis for him initially, then started taking the trouble to prepare special dishes for him in the morning. He himself was a fabulous cook and everyone around would look forward to days when he did bring lunch.

    He was such fun to be around. He had a terrific sense of humour, was very intelligent and capable of talking about everything under the sun very knowledgeably. He was very well-informed about Western music, something to which I had a somewhat limited exposure. He took it upon himself to ‘educate’ me, and made me listen to some really nice songs, introduced me to some awesome bands. We talked endlessly, sometimes even on topics such as pornography and rape, and I suppose it was a measure of the comfort level we shared that neither suspected the other of being lewd or harbouring romantic intentions.Somewhere along I developed a huge crush on him. I quit the job owing to my husband’s transfer but we continued to be in touch. I went out of my way to help him when he was struggling to get an education loan approved from a nationalized bank. I even offered him money when he had financial problems–he thanked me for offering but wisely declined all financial help.About ten days back, I invited him over to my place for lunch. We spent over two hours in my house chatting and joking– all at a respectful distance, we never even shook hands– and had a great time.. Later that evening, though, we got chatting over WhatsApp about extra-marital affairs. He started it by asking whether I thought it was okay for a married woman, who is ungratified, to have affairs that involve only sex. I thought it was one of those intellectual discussions we were always having, and responded by saying that though I was not a fan of casual sex, I would not rush to judge anyone having casual sex, married or not, as long as it was consensual and both parties are fully aware of the casualness. The discussion went on for some time, with him citing several different examples and us discussing them. Finally he told me he admired me greatly, always thought of me as being so bold and confident, and was ‘in great awe of me because of how I could speak my heart without inflicting insult or injury’. He added that he hesitated to come to my house for lunch because he was afraid of doing anything that would ‘bring me shame.’ He said his feelings of desire arose from ‘the respect and awe’ he had for me.It was at this point that I committed the biggest blunder of my life. I cringe in regret and shame every time I think about it. His admission of desire for me brought to the fore something that was there in a corner of my mind so remote, I barely knew of its existence, but at that point, telling him about it felt like the most natural thing to do– I told him I had been wanting him badly myself and was as close to being in love as I had ever been. He ventured to ask me about the state of my marriage– I told him it was largely good, but I wouldn’t mind going astray once because I loved him so much. He seemed very eager but I told him I did not see how we could manage to get together, given that both he and I are going abroad shortly. I asked him to think of a way for us to get together.Over the next few days, he acted distant and aloof. Finally, four days back, he told me that he did not think it could happen, and did not want hope where there was none. He said he was restricting himself to save both of us further heartache.I was stunned and devastated. I felt like I had stripped myself naked and then been rejected. I pleaded with him, he kept quiet. I ultimately decided not to plead anymore –I did love him but couldn’t demean myself more like this.


    By the next day, I finally reconciled myself to the fact that I had made a huge fool of myself, and that what I had wanted was really pointless and could have repercussions. I kicked myself for telling him anything–I should have just listened to his admission of desire and kept my own mouth shut. I then threw myself into salvaging the remnants of our friendship– sent him emotional messages telling him how precious our friendship was to me, how deeply we used to trust each other, how we could talk about everything without misunderstanding the other, and how he was the one friend I should like to stay in touch with always. He gave monosyllabic responses to a string of messages, acted very distant and aloof. Said I should really forget the whole thing and not think about it so much. That he would always cherish my friendship but that I should really be concentrating on my priorities. By the next day his responses grew fewer and farther between. The next day I tried to call him, and discovered to my horror that he was not answering my calls.

    Is there a greater humiliation than this, to not have your calls answered? I have never felt so insulted, so abjectly humiliated in my entire lifetime. I tried for one more day to revive whatever was left of our friendship by sending him “normal” messages– I knew it was all but over, but what we had was so good, I couldn’t let it all go without at least trying. I finally saw the writing on the wall and quit trying.

    This is the worst emotional crisis of my life. The pointlessness of it takes my breath away. I cannot stop thinking about him for more than a few minutes at a time. Tears come unbidden. I mourn for the totally unnecessary loss of a great friend, the one person I would have like to always be in touch with. I am wracked by feelings of shame, guilt, mortification, and humiliation every time I think about it. The worst thing is, I cannot even talk to anyone about it. People have been commenting that I look unhappy and unwell.

    My question is, why didn’t it hurt him so much? Maybe because he has been in and out of relationships and has more experience dealing with it? By contrast, this was the closest I had ever come to anything close to a relationship. I never had a boyfriend, ever. My husband is the only only man I have ever even kissed or properly hugged. Could this be a reason?

    I have been scouring the web for articles on heartbreak. One said that the older you are at the time of your first heartbreak, the more it hits you like a cannonball and blows you to smithereens. Well, that certainly rings true to me.

    But really, do you think men and women deal with heartbreak differently? I would also be grateful for some advice for myself from your very knowledgeable readers. How to deal with this crushing pain? And is there still a way for us to be platonic friends again, the way we were before that ill-fated conversation, or have we really lost it forever?

    Sincerely,
    Heartbroken
    The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2019
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This doesn't make any sense..

    The guy is a single guy looking for some fun without commitment and a married woman in a fairly okay marriage out for some fun is a good option.
    This was a casual relationship ...almost a no strings hook up.

    She was a fairly happily married woman looking out for fun with a guy she found attractive...looking for some thrill in her normal life.

    This relationship if you can call it had a short life written all over it. So where is the question of heartbreak. What was she expecting?

    Him to stay around being her boy toy in her spare time while she continued to stay in her marriage?

    Short term relationships are short.

    For him it was not worth the effort required .
    Besides a clingy ,desperate, pathetic cheating woman is not a very attractive person .
    Why would he stick around when there were no strings attached?

    I don't think there was much heart involved from his side for him to have a heart break.

    Nothing to do with him having had previous relationships.
    If he was deeply involved in a relationship with a single person,and had expectations of a future with her....then he would be deeply heartbroken if it did not work out.

    Here he was hooking up with a married woman who was looking out for a hook up. His heart was not involved. He was not looking for a relationship in future.

    She saw more in the relationship than there was...which was silly because being married herself,her expectations were silly.
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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  4. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I had to follow the subtitles, and noticed that "relaxation" is used as a signal for hanky panky.
    The girl telling him to go ahead and do some relaxation on his own before he goes home was hilarious.

    Could inter-gender bodily function be deemed just plain old sweat-work, and therefore considered outsource'able ? Perhaps mummyji could be happy to have the stupid slug of a husband be a free-agent rather than bothering her about it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
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  6. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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  7. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    The guy played with her emotions and the lady got too much emotionally invested in this relationship, now she does not know how to move on and she is spoiling her current life.
     
  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I dont understand why they could not get together ? I mean there are literally a million places to meet and have fun on this planet. this guy was probably seeing if this woman had fallen for him and then rejected her to boost his own ego.

    better to stay away from sadistic men like these..
     
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  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I think he developed cold feet. I doubt this is his ego or his morality.
    I am not a prude but why is this guy home alone for lunch with her ?
    Most of my friends are guys , but my lunchtimes alone with them are in the office cafeteria or in a safe space. No opportunities for anyone to “ bring shame. ” I don’t feel the need to discuss pornography or casual sex with them.

    Their relationship was definitely what I would not call a healthy friendship between a man and a woman, specially in a professional space. I think he provided a outlet and excitement for her.

    Extra chapatis for him ??? I would be concerned if husband was taking extra food for the female colleague, or inviting her for lunch at home when I am around. Same rules should apply to women as well.








     
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  10. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Read the post she invited him home for lunch.
     
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